The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- This Can Be All Yours, Ladies
- Philip Treacy Is Just Messing With A Ho Now
- The Hell Is Kelly Osbourne Saying?
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 1st!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Please Respect Kim Kartrashian's Courage To Be A Shameless Whore
- Eeyore Saw This Coming
- Maury Just Dropped His Cards And Left The Stage For Good
- Hugh Grant's "Fleeting Affair" Produced A Surprise Baby
| This Can Be All Yours, Ladies | Top |
If your type of man is a leaning tower of crazy who would come in second place in a karate match against the air and who can grow a furry light brown piece of dog turn from his chin like no other, then put your hand under your butt and fart out that four leaf clover, because it's your lucky day. Weston Cage, the 20-year-old son of Nicolas Cage, filed for divorce from the woman he allegedly got violent on during a drunken fight last July. E! News says that Weston and Nikki Williams Cage were married for 6 months. That's pretty much FOREVER in Kardashian time. The World of Warcraft Britney isn't wasting MAC liquid eyeliner by crying it out onto his face cheeks. Weston is doing what his insanesei Nicolas Cage taught him to do. He's putting on some pussy-catching eyeliner, slapping a new layer of polish on his nails and karate kicking his way to the ladies. Weston put himself back on the market with this note on Facebook: WELL ITS OFFICAL . THE DIVORCE IS SETTLED! ..................LADIES, DADDY IS BACK ahahahhahahaahh oh god! its on "Ahahahhahahaahh oh god!" is the same thing Weston's new piece is going to say to herself when he makes her call him daddy right before the babysitter his father hired knocks on the door to make sure they're both on top of the covers. | |
| Philip Treacy Is Just Messing With A Ho Now | Top |
It's pretty obvious that Philip Treacy is a hat-making sadomasochist (hatomasochist?) who cackles himself into a jizz bust from seeing rich ass celebrities wearing a swirl of WHAT THE SHIT? designed by him on top of their heads. Philip could sew his label into a KKK cone covered in bedazzled possum shit and fancy bitches would still trip over each other to get their hands on it. I mean, look at Sarah Jessica Parker at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon in Melbourne. Bitch has a giant black sperm on top of her head! Now, my ass says a Dionne Warwick prayer every day for black sperm to fall on top of my head, but I don't know if SJP does. If you step back and let your imagination roll around in the gutter, that bitch's hat almost looks like a Dune slug 69ing a shiny black sperm. I think I love Philip Treacy for this. You know who I don't love? The audience at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon. When SJP is sitting there with a serpent-like thing over her head, it is your duty to scream at her, "THERE'S A NO-EYED SNAKE ON YOUR HEAD!" Philip Treacy will blow you an air kiss as the room fills with echoing neighs and dust from fast-moving hooves. | |
| The Hell Is Kelly Osbourne Saying? | Top |
Kelly Osbourne's break-up from Luke Worrall, the Children of the Damned refugee who fell into an episode of SKINS, was about as pleasant as chewing on an aluminum foil dick (exhibit: A), and it seems like the crusty, juicy scabs on her hurt feelings are far from being healed. (Side whisper: Am I the only sick bitch who kept a scab meat collection in a Snapple bottle as a child? Don't answer that.) Kelly bit off the head of her engagement and spit it into the trash when she found out that Luke was passing his peen to model Elle Schneider, who is in the process of turning her peen into a poon. Kelly tells the UK's Glamour Magazine (via The Sun) that Luke cheating on her with a fugster from the fug garden would've been easier to deal with than Luke cheating on her with a transsexual. That bronzer bruise on Kelly's face that Amanda Lepore just made by throwing her a high-powered icy glare isn't going to rub off. Kelly should just give it a name and learn to love it, because it's there to stay. Don't fuck with Mandy. This is the mess that came out of Kelly's mouth: "Having to tell my parents my ex-fiancé Luke had cheated on me with a tranny was so humiliating. Everyone kept telling me that Luke was cheating on me, but I never believed them. It's hard enough to get your head around someone cheating on you... but when when someone is a chick with a dick? I'd always thought the worst way to get cheated on would be with an ugly girl." Bitch needs to wrap that "chick with a dick" shit in puff pastry and feed it to Xtina. Then Kelly needs to get mouth-reassignment surgery. No, but seriously, coming from someone whose ex-boyfriends have cheated on him with all kinds of trick, it hurts all the same, pretty much. If a bitch cheats on you with a bald walking fupa whose got moles on its teeth and eyebrows over its upper lip, it hurts. If a bitch cheats on you with a supermodel goddess whose got an asshole that tastes like candy apple and a 9-inch deep belly button that doubles as an extra fuck hole, it hurts. It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you. The truth is, the only time I didn't feel so bad about a ho cheating on me was when the piece he was down low dicking on the side was a woman. It didn't feel better because she had a vagine. It felt better and I understood because her name was Crystal. My name is Michael. Her name is Crystal. What name would you rather call out while riding on a melodic orgasm? Exactly. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 1st! | Top |
From the producers of "Ice Road Truckers"& "Pawn Stars", the History Channel brings us another reality show "Prawn Stars", watch weekly as she sells seashells by the seashore. - Sluttsville Runners-up: Um...this is not what I was looking for, plentyoffish.com. - Gigaboob Utterly unable to achieve stardom in the human world, Bai Ling grows a tail and sets off to relaunch her career under the sea. - Eggbeater Tired of being accused of not being sympathetic toward world disaster victims, Bobby Trendy finally brought some much-needed pizzazz to the hardest hit parts of Japan. - MeowMeow via FunPic | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The Prima Prairie Dog Ballerina! There's really nothing to say when there's a twirling prairie dog ballerina around and it's wearing a crocheted tutu that I know the early 90s beauty in you wants to wear as a scrunchie bracelet. Unlike a certain Oscar winner (NATALIE PORTMAN), this ballerina does all of its own dancing, thankyouverymuch. via SAY OMG | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
k.d. lang (50) | |
| Please Respect Kim Kartrashian's Courage To Be A Shameless Whore | Top |
Kim Kardashian released a letter to her fans about the end of her STUNT QUEEN marriage and it totally wasn't written by her publicist and doesn't smell like bull queef's at all. If you don't have the wet shits from Kardashian poisoning yet, read this mess at your own risk: This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time. That probably sounded like nothing but ass lips slapping together to you, so allow me to translate: "This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write, like literally. I mean, you try talking out the words for your assistant to type while sipping on a Midori beverage (sold wherever fine malt liquor is sold) during a first class flight to Australia. It's hard! Sydney, be-yotches! I am totally reading all the different media reports, even the negatives ones, because I love reading about myself! DUH! First and foremost, I married for love of money and fame. Like a whole lot of money and fame! I can't believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was an easy decision to make especially when they started throwing money at me. I love money! It's who I am! A money-grubbing fame whore! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, that big one getting married, break ups, makeups, our best moments and our worst moments. But I don't even know what real moments are anymore. That's what makes us who we are. We suck, we fuck, we take and we open our legs to anybody who shows us that camera! I love fame! Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a heartless fame whore! I don't have a heart and I farted out my soul a long time ago. I want a family and babies so badly, but only because my mom tells me People Magazine pays like a whole ton of money for stuff like that and the pictures will be everywhere. I believed the money and the fame would force me to stay married to some asshole I don't love, but I just couldn't do it. He's gross! I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to because I'm a brainless dumb fuck and I didn't want E! to cancel that check they wrote me for the sham wedding. I'm never honest and I don't even know what the word "respect" means, but my publicist said I should use it at least once so there you go. But I do know that I have to follow the cameras and they're not following whatshisname anymore. I never had the intention of doing anything other than making money and getting you stupid bloggers to write post after post about me. I accept zero responsibility for my actions and decisions. There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true. I made TENS of millions of dollars off of the wedding. I'm so grateful to all you suckers who took the time to come to my fake wedding and I'll be donating the money for all of the gifts to the Dram Foundation, because let's face it, I need the tax write-off. My dad always told me to follow my heart, but since I sold mine to a weird-looking man with horns on his head a long time ago, I am following the next best thing: dollar signs! And those dollar signs are telling me to tell you that during this difficult time, please show your support by wiping away your tears with Kardashian Kleenex sold exclusively at Kardashian Khaos in Las Vegas!" | |
| Eeyore Saw This Coming | Top |
After 2 years of marriage, Zooey Deschanel and Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard have decided that being married to each other is just not for them. I'm supposed to write that the hipsters are weeping in the streets over this, but I'm sure they already used up all their tears on weeping over Kim Kardashian's divorce to be ironic. Zooey's rep tells People that their split is so and a source type said this statement of words that's meant to be read in a quirky twang followed by an adorable smile and a twirl, which is probably exactly what Zooey did when she told Ben she was dumping his ass. Zooey is like a freshly bloomed daisy, even when she looks sad, she looks perky and happy. It's the epitome of annoying. Anyway, the source said this:
Obviously this shit didn't work because Zooey could no longer fuck an adult man who has the exact same haircut as Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. She tried. | |
| Maury Just Dropped His Cards And Left The Stage For Good | Top |
This is exactly why the Belieber ward of the county mental hospital should not show any episode of Maury in its TV room. Star Magazine (via Radar) reports that a 20-year-old grown woman named Mariah Yeater has sued 17-year-old Justin Bieber and is claiming what biological scientists have already found to be impossible. Mariah wants the Barbie-crotched Canadian Jesus to take a paternity test, because she claims he put a baby in her womb after a concert one night. You know, unlike Justin, most of us know how babies are made. And most of us also know that there's a greater chance of me conceiving a baby by inseminating my dead prostate with a drop of this cotton candy ice cream than there is Justin making a baby with a grown ass woman. But a crazy bitch gotta sue, who a crazy bitch gotta sue. Mariah writes in a hand-written sworn affidavit that one of Justin's bodyguards came up to her during his show in L.A. on October 25th of last year and asked her if she wanted to go backstage. I guess reenacting the bedroom sex scene of Boys Don't Cry with her in the Chloe Sevigny role and Justin as Brandon Teena has always been on Mariah's cum bucket list, because she went backstage. Mariah then goes on to write some shit that sounds like Justin Bieber fanfiction written by Stephenie Meyer. Warning: You might want to turn off the part of your brain that creates images before your eyes go any further. "After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time. 30 seconds... Okay, maybe she is truth telling after all. Nine months later, pushed out a boy who is now 3 months old. Maybe she just wants that DNA sample to clone his ass, because she doesn't need to swab the most famous fetus in the world to find out if he's the father of her child. Just show the baby a picture of Usher and if he looks at it before saying, "Memaw!," then that's the final sign of the apocalypse. We can all finally lay down in the dirt and wait for the tears of a million Beliebers to drown us all. | |
| Hugh Grant's "Fleeting Affair" Produced A Surprise Baby | Top |
Hugh Grant learned the Benicio Del Toro & Kimbo Stewart way that when you drop a jizz load into your piece and there's no rubber parachute there to catch it, there's a chance that in 9 months you'll have baby piss in your face and a child support invoice in your mailbox. The dude who perfected the British stutter in practically every damn romantic comedy from the 90s is somebody's father and his rep makes it clear to People that the lady he thought was a two-week fuck has now turned into someone whose face he'll see every other weekend when he picks up his kid. Hugh's rep put it like this: "I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms." That totally is the white gloves and top hat way of saying, "That bareback bitch raw dog dicked a ho in the back of a rented mid-level sedan again. You know how he does it." Hugh's rep wouldn't say who the mother is, but the NYDN took a Detective La Toya monocle to the situation and they believe the mother is Chinese actress Tinglan Hong. Hugh fucked around with her for a minute last January and she was looking a little full of fetus-ish back in April. I really hope she is the mother and I really hope Hugh did the right thing by naming his baby friend, son or daughter, Divine. I mean, Divine Hong-Grant does have a beautiful ring to it. | |
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