The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Lily Allen Had A Mini Cooper!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Twilight Causes Seizures
- Happy Black And Blue Friday!
- In Case You Missed It, Scotty McCreery Proves He's A Graduate Of Ashlee Simpson's School Of Lip-Synching
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Happy Thanksgiving!
- A Very Special STUNT QUEEN Thanksgiving Starring Kim Kuntrashian
| Lily Allen Had A Mini Cooper! | Top |
Lily Allen's rep has turned their mouth to the SILENT position and are not saying shit, but who needs a confirmation from a rep when you've got friends with Twatter pages? Two of Lily's friends, Sam Chew and Charlie Condou, handed out pink blunts on Twitter last night and announced that she and her husband of 6 months, Sam Cooper, have been blessed by the saliva bombs and newborn diarrhea fumes coming from their brand new baby girl. We don't have a name yet, but Sam Chew did gift us with the image of a pink Mini Cooper driving out of Lily's coochie tunnel when he Tweeted this: sending out love to lily, sam and mini cooper...... YES. This news might be like a shot of happiness to veins of your soul since Lily has been through sad after sad after sad after sad to get here. Lily miscarried her first pregnancy almost 4 years ago and had a still birth last November. Congratulations to Lily, Sam and their new baby friend. I'll throw them another congratulations with more feeling if they really named their daughter Mini Cooper. Or at least WINNIE Cooper! via People | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| When Lao Pan, an unmarried Chinese man with basically zero friends and family, took the one-way People Mover up to the afterword, his one true companion in this world sat next to the mound of dirt he was buried under and has refused to leave. The people of Pan's small village tried to get his loyal dog friend to leave the grave, but the bitch ain't moving. So the villagers are bringing food and water to the dog, and are even planning on building a little house next to Pan's grave for him to live in. Yes, file this under "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" shit and then cross-file it under "Material that will help to lubricate my dehydrated and practically dead tear sacks." This makes me want to hug my dog even more than the time he snapped at my sucio neighbor (the one who leaves her trash outside of her door ALL NIGHT) when she tried to pet him without asking. Only this time when I hug him, I'm going to find a way to communicate to him that when the Grim Reaper finally pulls me down into the great big flaming CROC underground and my family throws a pile of dirt and two bricks over my dead body, he should make himself useful by digging an underground grave for me. It's the least he can do for all those years that I've cut his butt dingles out with tiny scissors. via HuffPo (For Andy) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Kristin Bauer (38) | |
| Twilight Causes Seizures | Top |
And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie. Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light." So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show. And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:
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| Happy Black And Blue Friday! | Top |
| Above is a video taken at one of Hell's franchises on earth (aka Walmart) of Rollback-hungry sluts going crazy over a discounted Xbox 360. You'd think this Xbox has a Fleshlight attachment that vibrates whenever you shoot a bitch up in Call of Duty 3 (let's call it the XXXbox Special), but nope. This is just America and we'd eat a baby's face off to get 10% off of an Xbox. But some crazed Black Friday soldier already had a plan ready when she stepped into the Walmart in Porter Ranch, CA early this morning to fight over that Xbox. The L.A. Times says that the crazy bitch, who had her two kids with her, started pepper spraying at all the other shoppers so they'd scatter for breathable air while she went for the Xbox. Around 20 people including chirruns got sprayed and one of them had to go to the hospital. The LAPD says the pepper-spraying crazy is currently on the loose and they're looking at surveillance video to try to find her. Okay, I just have to laugh at this mess, because the image of some insane Black Friday terrorist attacking her rivals with pepper spray should replace all George Washington as the new face of the $1 bill. That's America! And I'm sure she just won a new job as the head of security at UC Davis. Meanwhile, at another Walmart, a tornado of lunacy erupted over $2 waffle makers that most of those crazies will use twice. You know, I was about to say this clip is about as disgustingly gross as watching a bunch of maggots slithering on a piece of shit in fast motion, but then my eyes were blessed by the butt crack beauty in the blue t-shirt. Now, THAT should be the new face of the $1 bill. All in all, it's been a pretty tame Black Eye Friday so far. As far as I know, nobody's death certificate reads "Death by Black Friday Walmart Tramping" yet, but the day is still young. I'm sure the Black Friday-ers are recharging their crazy at Cinnabon and will be ready to go for round two soon. USA! USA! via Buzzfeed | |
| In Case You Missed It, Scotty McCreery Proves He's A Graduate Of Ashlee Simpson's School Of Lip-Synching | Top |
| Pretty much every single performer at the Macy's Skanksgiving Day Parade moves their mouths to a pre-recordered track, because of sound issues or some shit like that. So it's sort of like an unofficial competition to see who can successfully LIP SYNCH FOR THEIR LIFE!!! and who lip-synchs as good as a walrus' asshole. Scotty McCreery, the Howdy Doody fetus with a Stetson Man voice who won American Idol last season, threw himself into the latter category yesterday when his moving lips lagged 3 seconds behind his singing voice. (Yes, THIS is news.) You know, I watched some of Brit Brit's Femme Fatale Tour on HBO yesterday (blame the 6,000 calorie meal that put me into a body coma and made it impossible for me to even raise my hand to change the channel) and Scotty makes her look like the grand champion of Puttin' On The Hits. That's saying a lot. So at least his ass accomplished that. via HuffPo | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Giant Lawn Peen of Sweden! The Scandinavian site TheLocal.se (via Joe.ie) researched the grass peen, which is etched into the lawn of Söderberg's property right next to a Star of David, and their experts say it was not doctored and is the real thing. Everyone thinks pranksters cut a cut dick complete with a peen slit into Söderberg's lawn, because he says he didn't do it himself. Well, I'm etching a giant "UH UH" covered with sarcasm seeds into this story, because it's obvious that Söderberg is lying. It's also obvious that Söderberg is a Scientologist. I mean, a daddy dick with two baby dicks next to it is the official symbol all Scientologists etch into their lawns so that when Xenu comes back to earth he knows where to find his people. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Christina Applegate (40) | |
| Happy Thanksgiving! | Top |
As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could've been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn't have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I'm talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I'm thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time. It's true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that's when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It's like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We're practically family! | |
| A Very Special STUNT QUEEN Thanksgiving Starring Kim Kuntrashian | Top |
Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO! Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told. And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner. | |
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