The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Introducing The Up-Eye Brought To You By Zahara
- Mad Mel's Sperm Must Be Stopped
- Shocking News: Ashton Kutcher Tweets Before He thinks
- Some Community Man Nipples In The Morning
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 9th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Dakota Fanning's Marc Jacobs Ad Banned In The UK
- Christopher Meloni Even Makes Empire State Building Statues Cum
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Introducing The Up-Eye Brought To You By Zahara | Top |
Camera lenses and the souls of a dozen paparazzos were among the casualties from the first-degree upper cut shank eye Zahara threw as she stomped through the airport in Tokyo today with her army. You can almost hear the sound of cracked glass and smell the scent of singed eyelashes from here. When Zahara looks up, you better drop your weapon and get down on the floor. As the late great Bernie Mac would say: "She look at me like I'm short!" | |
| Mad Mel's Sperm Must Be Stopped | Top |
Mariah Yeater isn't the only trick who's slowly pushing Maury toward an early retirement so he can finally escape the paternity test fuckery. Star Magazine (via Radar) is reporting that some nobody from a short-lived reality shit show called Secrets of Aspen is telling her friends that she's pregnant with a blank check signed with Mel Gibson's old man jizz. Mel Gibson's dick: truly the gift that keeps on giving gold diggers the debit card baby of their dreams. A source close to Laura Bellizzi claims that the fetus growing in her uterus is nearly 4-months old and she's trying to keep the identity of its father a secret from the media. Laura took a few unprotected rides on Mad Mel's wrinkled Swastadick over the summer after mutual friends introduced them. One of Laura's friends, Bridgette Willis, tells Rumor Fix that Mel is the father and the only way he'd be happier about this is if his newest spawn was born with a Hitler stache and sugar cube nipples. Bridgette put it like this: "In fact, it was not long at all after she and Mel met that she became pregnant with his child. I don't know if the baby was planned but I know Laura has told me that she and her parents are just so happy! Laura's lawyer denies that Mel is the co-maker of her unborn child and Mel's rep says this is a pack of lies. But I'm not sure.... The last time Mad Mel didn't destroy his anti-Semitic sperm fish by wrapping a rubber yarmulke over his peen head before sticking it in, he was exposed as an abuser of ladies, babies, Jacuzzis, telephones, voicemail boxes, ottomans, ear drums, nerves, etc... etc... So is Mel stupid enough to do that shit again? Yeah, totally. Mel is no match against an ambitious gold digger with smarts and drawing skills! Mad Mel made a vow to only cum during a blowjob before Jacuzzi, but Laura wasn't going to let that stop her. Laura painted a beautiful Aryan lady face over her labia lips, threw a wiglet over the face and then did an elbow stand. Then as Mad Mel approached her, she used the ancient art of cuntriloquism to flap her coochie lips as she said, "Oh, my Catholic Prince, allow me to blowjob you before Jacuzzi." BOOM. Pregnant. Bitch is the Einstein of gold diggers. | |
| Shocking News: Ashton Kutcher Tweets Before He thinks | Top |
AssStain Kutcher delivered yet another "Dude, Where's My Fucking Brain?" moment last night when he prematurely ejacutweeted his outrage over Penn State's head football coach Joe Paterno getting the BYE BITCH treatment for shutting his eyes, plugging his ears and singing "lalalaimnotseeingthislalalal" to his assistant coach butt raping a boy in the locker room. Ashton saw the headline "Jo Pa Fired" somewhere and the cold pile of mashed DURR in his head didn't think to use his fingers to Google for the full story before raising his fist in disgust. This was a surprising move on Ashton's part since he's known for having a dozen degrees, PhDs and awards of excellence in decision making (see: growing that beard and not wearing a condom before fucking his one-night fuck piece). This is Ashton's first Tweet, which was quickly swallowed up by the fail whale. How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste Three seconds after Ashton shat out this dingle of dumb, some of his 8 million followers beat some realness into him with a hashtag. Ashton quickly erased the Tweet and then apologized before announcing that he's taking a Tweetbatical Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn't have full story. #admitwhenyoumakemistakes "Find a way to properly manage this feed." Way to backtrack from a pile of shit by rolling into another pile of shit. This dumb fuck douchebag needs to find a way to properly manage his brain before he tackles his feed. One obstacle at a time, Ashton. via People | |
| Some Community Man Nipples In The Morning | Top |
| Most of this morning's news is all about Rick Perry scraping his own shit from the bottom of his hot cowboy boot and some Penn State students flipping vans over their football coach getting fired for putting on his Pope Goggles, so I'm going to temporarily blow away those dark clouds of insane terror and bring out a bright shining sun in the form of a topless Joel McHale! Joel is trying to make GROUNDBREAKING HISTORY by being the first white man to be named as People's Sexiest Man Alive and so he twerked his camouflage nipples (somebody please send him some black licorice nipple dye) for an audition video. People asked him to put together a video of him making an everyday activity look orgasm-worthy and this is what he came up with. Strangely enough, this is exactly what coffee hour at Ryan Gaycrest's office looks like. This is also what Corbin Fisher's class of 2011 15th reunion is going to look like. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 9th! | Top |
Despite everyone's best efforts, Lilo's Playboy pictorial was more Marilyn Manson than Marilyn Monroe. - Tyroan Runners-up: According to representatives at Cat Fancy, the Mr. Bigglesworth nude centerfold is a classic tribute inspired by the original Tom Kelly nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. - snarla Rachel Zoe is pregnant again? - Deb The moment Donatella Versace was told that Vodka & Cigs were not allowed on set. - BritsBaldHead via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Sperm Bank Bike of Seattle! First things first, how in the name of cum-on-the-run did I miss the sperm bank bike?! The sperm bike started swimming through the streets of Copenhagen last year and Seattle got one a couple of months ago, and my eyeballs barely touched it this morning at Metro UK. I should've spit up a clue when several readers in Seattle told me they saw dudes in Scientology jogging suits running through the streets with both of their mouths wide open. But just like a weak jizz load that falls on your fingers after you've sprained your wrist bones from giving your piece a 10-hour long marathon handjob, this post is better late than never. The sperm bike, which is almost an exact replica of the one Jim Bob Duggar rides up into Michelle's lady parts, is a custom-designed motorized two wheeler with a vacuum container in the front that stores the man leche samples. The Seattle Sperm Banks started using one, because they say it's greener, faster and who doesn't want to get a quick jolt to the ovaries from seeing a giant speeding sperm that looks like it should have the words "Came By KFed" stamped on the side of it? The sperm bike is such a hit that The Arkansas Sperm Bank is building a Jizz Jalopy, The Miami Sperm Bank is building a Spooge Segway (Spoogeway?) and The Brooklyn Sperm Bank is just going to transport their samples in the beards of hipsters. Here's the sperm bike in action: If there's ever an accident and they need somebody to clean up, they know where to find Paris Hilton. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Neil Gaiman (51) | |
| Dakota Fanning's Marc Jacobs Ad Banned In The UK | Top |
When I look at this ad for Marc Jacobs' "Oh, Lola!" perfume, I see a 17-year-old Dakota Fanning giving a Leela from Futurama eye to the camera while squeezing a gigantic bottle full of enough stank to last several lifetime. But when the British Advertising Standards Authority look at this ad, they see a blonde prostitot throwing sexy eyes at the camera while holding a blooming vagine between her legs and they don't like this sucio shit. They have pulled our their pristine white gloves and shooed this ad all the way back to Baby Whoretown. The ad, which came out here in the land of Toddlers & Tiaras back in June, was banned forever and the ASA released this statement about it: "We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative. We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence." Well, damn. Since they put it like that. But I applaud Britain for banning this ad and only because it's a piece of shit picture that looks like it was taken on a first generation iPhone and printed out on a printer that was nearly out of ink. Throw that shit to the trash pile. And since Marc Jacobs will obviously need a replacement, might I suggest an of age bitch named Lola who really knows how to work a camera. I present, Lola of Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls fame.
That is how you do provocative! And full disclosure: I have no idea if that pug's name is Lola, but look at that room. Somebody that lives in that house is named Lola and I have a feeling we're looking at the ho. | |
| Christopher Meloni Even Makes Empire State Building Statues Cum | Top |
And he so knows the power his hands hold. Look at him softly caress that statue's undercarriage too. The Empire State Building's no smoking policy is temporarily void today, because it's going need a few cigarettes after this. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will pay for this dearly since they very well know that Maddox has permanent custody of the color black - Lainey Gossip Tyler Perry should fire Kim Kardashian and only because I hear she's supposed to play a woman with an actual job. That is some "no experiences to draw from" shit right there - The Superficial Why am I picturing Tommy Girl on a balcony proclaiming "I love to dance!" ala Nicole Kidman in that Chanel commercial? - Celebitchy Chuy, come wrangle up Chelsea Handler's camel toe - Hollywood Tuna Marcus Bachmann prays the penguin gay away - Towleroad Kelsey Grammer is sucking the youth right out of his new wife - ICYDK If jeans can catch the clap, then Shakira's jeans definitely caught that shit from rolling around on Hollywood Blvd. - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Amber Heard's back > Johnny Depp's back - Popoholic 31 pictures of George Clooney thinking about farts - The Berry And all I see are Mimi's Hello Titties - Just Jared Joe Jonas trying to out-pretty all those basic hos - Popsugar Rest in peace, Bil Keane - The Daily What Lauren Conrad is bearding til she makes it - I'm Not Obsessed Ninja dodgeball - Cityrag Hilary Duff still has a case of the babies, in case you were wondering - Hollywood Rag Daniel Tosh is looking to replace Daniel Tosh - SOW WHOA! is the new BOO! - Videogum | |
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