Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

O Whory Night Top

I know, this is the saddest holiday-themed Tijuana donkey show (without the donkey) any of us have ever seen.

Charles Dickens ("Did sumbody say dick?" - Katie Price) had a good run as the author of the most classic holiday novel of our time, but there's a new literary genius on the stroll with a new classic holiday novel of our time! Katie Price hauled out the holly and burned up the mistletoe in London today when she came out to promote her new book "Santa Baby" and when asked by reporters what it's about, she looked at the reindeer since he had about as much to do with writing the book as she did.

If the Tivo captions of every soft-core Cinemax porn are at the top of your must-read list, then Katie's book is just for you. I've read two of them and it was like reading the transcript of Courtney Stodden's edition of Hooked on Phonics. Katie likes her novels the same way she likes her men: shallow, hallow and filled with only 12 words from the English vocabulary. So, basically, she's like my literary hero.

And that poor, sad reindeer does know that God gave him antlers so he can poke a bitch, right? Nudge..nudge...

 
Lindsay Lohan Will Barely Have Time To Fart In Her Cell Top

Kim Kardashian's marriage and the conceiving of Justin Beiber's first baby in the bathroom are just two things that will last longer than Lindsay Lohan's latest time in jail. Reading that headline took more time than what it will take LiLo to prance into her cell, queef on her sheets so they have to change them and sashay out of the jail house before the scent clears. Judge Stephanie sentenced LiLo to 30 days in jail today (Note: Judge Stephanie telling LiLo "I order you to 30 days in jail" took more time than LiLo's time in jail will take.) but TMZ says she'll serve closer to 30 seconds than 30 days.

The Sheriff said that depending when LiLo checks in, she could spend the night there, but most people who get a misdemeanor sentence of 90 days or less are out within minutes. The Sheriff blamed it all on overcrowding and then made sure he said that LiLo was not getting special treatment at all.

You know, just when I think I've exhausted every last keystroke about this hilarious and disastrous shit, our prophet steps up to the altar and lets out more words of wisdom that make me raise my hands up and shout out: YAAASSSSSSS!

As always, the truth is what Khia speaks. One of LiLo's face freckles might as well morph into a teardrop, because that ho is a gangsta prison bitch and she hasn't even been in prison!

via ONTD

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Anne Hathaway: "Why is the Princess of Monaco tapping me on the back several times?" Us: "She's tapping out SOS in Morse Code, you shiny ass fool!" - Popsugar

Blake Lively's titty and legs game is back - Lainey Gossip

Pete Wentz upgraded and I can say blindly that his new piece definitely downgraded - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

It's safe to say that The New Yorker article Taylor Lautner and Gus van Sant's new movie is based on is about wet cardboard - Towleroad

Selena Gomez adds her first upskirt to her scrapbook of memories - The Superficial

Demi Moore's supposed side piece just made my gaydar stop and throw spit out a "Do I even need to?" note - Celebitchy

Carmen Electra looks like she just got a wet body hug from Valentine's Day - Hollywood Tuna

32 lumps of adorable for you - The Berry

Jennifer Love Hewitt and the four clueless faces who are trying to figure out who the hell she is - Popoholic

Throw that rotten fish back into the tar! - Just Jared

Jessica Biel was almost in The Notebook - ICYDK

Clifford Starks' dick plays a game of peen-a-boo - OMG Blog

This is art - The Daily What

But can you stick your parts in one of their mouths? I'm asking for a friend, of course. - Videogum

It's fitting that Pimp Mama Kris wore a French maid outfit, because she was there to clean shit up, but she only ended up dirtying it more - Jezebel

Thunderstruck - Cityrag

Michelle Williams' Twiggy haircut is for Heath Ledger - I'm Not Obsessed

I think Jason Trainwreck just saw the back of Brit Brit's weave growl again - Hollywood Rag

What happens when that icy cold cunt Patricia Heaton farts on set - SOW

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 2nd! Top

via Picture Is Unrelated (Warning: There's another picture at the link that I'm still trying to scrub from my retinas.)

 
And Lindsay Lohan Will Somehow Eff Up Again In 3..2... Top

The last time Lindsay Lohan was in court, her face looked like the shit-stained ass cheeks of a 99-year-old zombie and today she actually cleaned up and gave us a little "Madonna in Shanghai Surprise" glamour. The effect must've sprinkled some sugar on top of Judge Stephanie, because the judge who usually makes all of the Lohan roaches scatter by bringing down her gavel hard on their main cokewinner went soft today. Judge Stephanie ordered LiLo to just 30 days in jail for violating her probation, but she'll probably just serve 6 due to that overcrowding shit we keep hearing about. LiLo's tattered roast beef curtains and Cisco Adler titties have to pose for Playboy's camera again this week, so Judge Stephanie gave her a full 7 days to turn herself in.

The Downtown Women's Center made it clear that they don't want LiLo back, so the judge is making her complete all of her community service at the morgue. I'm guessing LiLo does well around a bunch of rotting corpses, because the morgue wants her to stay but they asked the judge to tell her to stop Tweeting about them (HA!). When LiLo sashays out of jail after sitting in a cell for a quick minute, she has to complete 12 days of community service and 4 hours of therapy by December 14th. Then she'll have to do another 12 days of community service by January 17th, etc... etc... If Lilo finishes all of her community service by March 29th, her probation is done. If she doesn't, the judge is supposed to throw her in the chokey for a full 270 days but we all know how that works.

Why can't the court just put everyone out of their misery and give LiLo a free pass since that's basically what they're doing. Just let that crazy bitch go snortin' crazy without punishment or throw her on top of a jail cell mattress for the next million years. All this pretend "You're going to go jail next time, I mean it!" shit is just a waste of time. At this point, the court is telling the public that if they want to get away with fucking up over and over again, they just have to glue plastic slugs over their mouth and change their last name to Lohan.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

Which "Bravo Housewife" is known for letting her precious little pooch poop inside swanky Neiman Marcus department stores? The annoyed staff have been given strict orders to bite their tongues because the classy lady drops a pretty penny on designer duds! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

95% of the Housewives get their prepaid Capital One cards rejected at Filene's, so that leaves us with Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! Giggy always stumbles around like my drunk uncle with arthritic knees, so I'm surprised he can actually build up the strength to push out a butt nugget. I was under the impression that every so often he gets the heaves, and Lisa has to flick him on the back forcing a ball of piss, shit and vom out of his mouth. That's he disposes of thee waste. Guess I was wrong. But Giggy is a jewel in a sea of trash so he can go caca wherever he wants. And by "wherever" I specifically mean that nasty witch Kyle Richards' hair.

This diva had a little too much to drink at a recent Halloween party. She was fine until someone brought up the name of another female artist. Our diva began mocking her rival. When someone made the mistake of coming to the rival's defense, our diva went ballistic, and started screaming at them: "That bitch destroyed my career! Don't you ever, EVER mention her name in front of me again!" The defender backed off, and everyone else gave the diva a wide berth for the rest of the evening. (Blind Gossip)

And then Xtina slurred out, "Yoooo knows what your problem is? Wait. Is that a baked potato bar over there?"

This one was a shocker to even my jaded self. Two co-stars. Network show. Both married. Both B+ listers with very long careers. Lots of bad luck with shows in the past although each has struck gold at one point. I cannot even fathom the two of them together, but they are. Like all over each other on a daily basis. When the crew started noticing what was going on, I think they were all just as crushed as I am. To great families being torn apart by a couple of people who wanted some sex with each other. (CDAN)

Please let it be Patricia Heaton and whoever the hell she's doing The Middle with.

After losing a lot of weight and working hard to get herself healthy, this star is in a really good place right now. Unfortunately, her partner is not and is becoming clingy and jealous. He told her he liked her a lot better when she was fat and refuses to be supportive of her new lifestyle. (BuzzFoto)

JHud?

 
Open Post: Hosted By A Dude Showing The Lohans How It's Done Top


Lindsay Lohan is about to sashay into court today to receive her punishment for violating her probation for the 486,123,098th time and I felt that this video of a record holder stuffing his gaping nostril holes with a bunch of quarters would be very educational for her. TMZ seems to think that Blohan will get anywhere from two weeks (what the delusions in her head tell her she should get) to a few months in jail, but she'll only serve a sliver of that due to overcrowding. Even if she sits in a cell for 2 seconds, she'll still be without her essentials! If there's anything years of snorting Lohan powder has given her, it's two humongous cave nostrils the size of the hole in White Oprah's brain. While a team of search dogs will be sent into her chocha to check for cuntraband, those mutts will never check her nostrils. A tube of fake tan shit, an open bar, a dime bag of sea jasper, a syringe full of whatever she injects into her lips and even a member of the paparazzi can all fit up her nose. Use what the bad shit gave you.

And I really hope Judge Stephanie is in her chambers right now, rehearsing priceless one liner after priceless one liner. Slay that crackie, Judge Stephanie, slay her!

Click here for the live feed.

 
This Can Be All Yours, Ladies Top

If your type of man is a leaning tower of crazy who would come in second place in a karate match against the air and who can grow a furry light brown piece of dog turn from his chin like no other, then put your hand under your butt and fart out that four leaf clover, because it's your lucky day. Weston Cage, the 20-year-old son of Nicolas Cage, filed for divorce from the woman he allegedly got violent on during a drunken fight last July. E! News says that Weston and Nikki Williams Cage were married for 6 months. That's pretty much FOREVER in Kardashian time.

The World of Warcraft Britney isn't wasting MAC liquid eyeliner by crying it out onto his face cheeks. Weston is doing what his insanesei Nicolas Cage taught him to do. He's putting on some pussy-catching eyeliner, slapping a new layer of polish on his nails and karate kicking his way to the ladies. Weston put himself back on the market with this note on Facebook:

WELL ITS OFFICAL . THE DIVORCE IS SETTLED! ..................LADIES, DADDY IS BACK ahahahhahahaahh oh god! its on

"Ahahahhahahaahh oh god!" is the same thing Weston's new piece is going to say to herself when he makes her call him daddy right before the babysitter his father hired knocks on the door to make sure they're both on top of the covers.

 
Philip Treacy Is Just Messing With A Ho Now Top

It's pretty obvious that Philip Treacy is a hat-making sadomasochist (hatomasochist?) who cackles himself into a jizz bust from seeing rich ass celebrities wearing a swirl of WHAT THE SHIT? designed by him on top of their heads. Philip could sew his label into a KKK cone covered in bedazzled possum shit and fancy bitches would still trip over each other to get their hands on it. I mean, look at Sarah Jessica Parker at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon in Melbourne. Bitch has a giant black sperm on top of her head! Now, my ass says a Dionne Warwick prayer every day for black sperm to fall on top of my head, but I don't know if SJP does. If you step back and let your imagination roll around in the gutter, that bitch's hat almost looks like a Dune slug 69ing a shiny black sperm. I think I love Philip Treacy for this.

You know who I don't love? The audience at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon. When SJP is sitting there with a serpent-like thing over her head, it is your duty to scream at her, "THERE'S A NO-EYED SNAKE ON YOUR HEAD!" Philip Treacy will blow you an air kiss as the room fills with echoing neighs and dust from fast-moving hooves.

 
The Hell Is Kelly Osbourne Saying? Top

Kelly Osbourne's break-up from Luke Worrall, the Children of the Damned refugee who fell into an episode of SKINS, was about as pleasant as chewing on an aluminum foil dick (exhibit: A), and it seems like the crusty, juicy scabs on her hurt feelings are far from being healed. (Side whisper: Am I the only sick bitch who kept a scab meat collection in a Snapple bottle as a child? Don't answer that.)

Kelly bit off the head of her engagement and spit it into the trash when she found out that Luke was passing his peen to model Elle Schneider, who is in the process of turning her peen into a poon. Kelly tells the UK's Glamour Magazine (via The Sun) that Luke cheating on her with a fugster from the fug garden would've been easier to deal with than Luke cheating on her with a transsexual. That bronzer bruise on Kelly's face that Amanda Lepore just made by throwing her a high-powered icy glare isn't going to rub off. Kelly should just give it a name and learn to love it, because it's there to stay. Don't fuck with Mandy.

This is the mess that came out of Kelly's mouth:

"Having to tell my parents my ex-fiancé Luke had cheated on me with a tranny was so humiliating. Everyone kept telling me that Luke was cheating on me, but I never believed them. It's hard enough to get your head around someone cheating on you... but when when someone is a chick with a dick? I'd always thought the worst way to get cheated on would be with an ugly girl."

Bitch needs to wrap that "chick with a dick" shit in puff pastry and feed it to Xtina. Then Kelly needs to get mouth-reassignment surgery. No, but seriously, coming from someone whose ex-boyfriends have cheated on him with all kinds of trick, it hurts all the same, pretty much. If a bitch cheats on you with a bald walking fupa whose got moles on its teeth and eyebrows over its upper lip, it hurts. If a bitch cheats on you with a supermodel goddess whose got an asshole that tastes like candy apple and a 9-inch deep belly button that doubles as an extra fuck hole, it hurts. It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.

The truth is, the only time I didn't feel so bad about a ho cheating on me was when the piece he was down low dicking on the side was a woman. It didn't feel better because she had a vagine. It felt better and I understood because her name was Crystal. My name is Michael. Her name is Crystal. What name would you rather call out while riding on a melodic orgasm? Exactly.

 

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