The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 3rd!
- The Father Daughter Dance To End All Father Daughter Dances
- Open Post: Hosted By Pot Ledom
- Three Reasons For Why Courtney Stodden's Mom Should Win Mother Of The Year
- Kim Kardashian Is Too Sad To "Work"
- As The Beliebers Lose Their Half-Developed Minds.....
- Hugh Hefner Is Not Impressed With Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Spread
- A Morning Cup Of Joe Jonas
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 2nd!
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
The Twilight Trio get dirty at Grauman's Chinese Theater and I'll let you make the fisting jokes this time - Just Jared The Situation is as broke as his face - The Situation Jub Jub would make an excellent designated cocktail holder at parties - Towleroad Hayden Pantyairs' troll-on-girl pool action is boring - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Score another one for the gold diggers - Celebitchy Megan Fox's almost Mormon wife bun really adds to her overall ensemble - Hollywood Tuna Vintage Kate Middleton in case you haven't seen half of these - The Berry BREAKING: Kids will murder you with their eyes if you fuck with their candy - The Daily What Amber Heard looks hot - Popsugar The time Bruce Willis sent Die Hard on Ashton Kutcher and had him crying to his mommy - ICYDK Ashley Greene is either sleeping with her eyes open or she's concentrating on trying to push out a burp - Popoholic Ricky Gervais is back - OMG Blog That awkward moment when you mistake Maxwell for Dwight from Real Housewives of Atlanta - Crunk + Disorderly Should I make that tattoo laser removal appointment for Mena Suvari or does she want to do that on her own? - Cityrag This definitely needs A LOT more Dustin Nguyen - I'm Not Obsessed Crispy Ronaldo and your mom have something in common - Celebslam Leave it to Maria Menounos to make fake cobblestones look interesting by comparison - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 3rd! | Top |
Source: Poorly Dressed via WOW Report | |
| The Father Daughter Dance To End All Father Daughter Dances | Top |
| The groom finally has the answer as to why his bride came home late almost every night with sore legs and all out of breath and shit. She wasn't stepping out on him, she was rehearsing a 4 minute-long father daughter dance spectacular for her wedding. They do more dancing in 4 minutes than Brit Brit does in her entire show. They're sweeping the floor with moves like the caterer is waiting for a check and they've spent their last coins on that white chocolate fountain. Having a wedding is not in my near future, so I'm asking you to please recreate the move at the 1:30 mark at my funeral. Just prop me up and make me do it, bitch. via The Hairpin | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Pot Ledom | Top |
| I am still trying to process last night's episode of America's Next Pot Ledom and I'm convinced that somewhere there's a closet full of tied up executives from The CW, because who is signing off on this acid-flavored ridiculousness? The show isn't even shy about not taking its meds anymore and it will kick the tray of any mental hospital nurse who tries to get them to do so. It has gone full Lisa Rowe. Whatever weak lid was holding down Tyra's crazy has popped off and it is not coming back. I mean, on last night's episode, the all-stars had to write a song, star in their own video and they were forced to use "pot ledum" (top model backwards) in that shit. The result was a forty car pile-up of crazy. Pot ledum seriously sounds like something Tyra smokes way too much of. Pass me some, Tyra, because I want to see the crazy how you see the crazy. I've posted two of my favorites (Alexandria up top and the love child of Sarah Brightman and a tarsier monkey below) and you can see the rest here. It's the kind of insanity that no straitjacket can contain. | |
| Three Reasons For Why Courtney Stodden's Mom Should Win Mother Of The Year | Top |
Krista Keller, the woman who birthed the gorgeous skank-glazed lizard tongue with plastic lips that is Courtney Stodden, talked to The Daily Beast about the daughter she sold to Horace from Lost and everything she says is completely logical and not at all wrapped around a tiny piece of a bull's shit. When the PedoBear Awards roll around again this year, I really hope the mistress of ceremonies, Selena Gomez, rips the Mother of the Year trophy out of White Oprah's cold, sedated hands and gives it to Krista Keller. Krista has earned it for saying these three things: 1. Krista kept her teen daughter from the dangers of dying in an underage drunken car crash by giving her to a 51-year-old creep who looks like a bottom of the barrel Billy Bob Thornton impersonator with factory defective hair plugs. Krista feels calm knowing that her daughter is licking lude residue off of the bathroom tiles instead of drinking wine coolers behind the bleachers. "These people that say, 'You could have waited,' I really don't understand this way of thinking. Why do parents think that kids need to have those teen years spent going out with different boys, going out in different cars, going out on the beach together alone? There's a lot of bad stuff that happens in those teen years. They end up being killed in car crashes due to driving with people that have been drinking. Oh, but they're gonna have their teen years. My daughter is safe. I know where my daughter is." 2. Krista always knew that her daughter was just too much woman and condensed sex for just any man. That is why a 51-year-old man who is obviously gayer than a pink flaming sliding down a rainbow is perfect for her. That was served with absolutely zero sarcasm. I'm sure Doug is the one who knew that accentuating Courtney's natural beauty with clear bra strips and frosted pink lipstick was the way to go. Doug knows what's best!
3. Krista thinks her daughter is a lesbian assistant and an overdose away from becoming gay icon Anna Nicole Smith. "The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they've been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she'd fit in better in Hollywood." Courtney is like John Waters' answer to Shauna Sand, so Krista gets no objections about the gay icon thing from me. And if you need more evidence, go to Radar to see pictures of a SANS FARDS Courtney looking like she just woke up from being passed out on the train tracks all night. Her chest wearing every bra in her dresser.... Her morning fresh face that looks like she just had dental work while getting beat with a bag of meth.... The poop rainbows over her chichis.... BEAUTY finally has a name. via Jezebel | |
| Kim Kardashian Is Too Sad To "Work" | Top |
Kim Kardashian is canceling the rest of her Australian press tour ("YAY!" - Australia) and coming back to the US ("BOO!" - The US), because the black hole in her chest is filling up with sadness and she can no longer go on doing whatever it is she does for money. Yes, it must be hard cracking the strings of Botox in your face by projecting a sad when on the inside you're creaming about how much attention your stupid ass is getting. Bitch, sad harder. Kim looked more genuinely sad about almost losing her $75,000 diamond earring than she does about her marriage ending. Both UsWeekly and TMZ report that Swisse vitamins marquee paid Kim $150,000 to represent them at the Melbourne Cup Carnival this Saturday, but she let them know that she and Khloe aren't going to be there. Some source says that Kim told them, "I need to take care of me now, and I can't work for awhile." We have finally found Kim's other talent besides scam artistry. Kim is a master at making laughs! She needs to "take care of me now" and can't "work" for awhile? The day that Kim takes care of anybody other than Kim is the day that I actually make a morning piss without hitting the bathroom tiles (I'm re-enlisting in potty training classes, don't worry). The day that Kim does something that actually counts as real work is the day that I don't watch European gay porn while eating white cheddar Cheez-Its (It's like scratch-and-taste porn). Oh, Kim, pretending to be sad has turned you into a regular fucking laugh machine. And speaking of laughs, click here to see a scene straight out of Khloezilla Takes Australia . A camera falls on her head! That look of sheer revenge in Khloe's eyes. Why do I have a feeling that later that night, the pap was overheard screaming in his backyard, "A Khloe ate my baby!" Here's some pictures of Kim and Khloe promoting their dumb purse line at a mall today. If your child cries while meeting a Kardashian and it isn't because they're afraid one of those skanks' fat asses is going to swallow them whole, CPS should take them away from you. | |
| As The Beliebers Lose Their Half-Developed Minds..... | Top |
The Beliebers are sharpening their rattles into shanks, asking their parents to get them a PlaySkool gat for Christmas and turning grade school poems into adorable death threats, because one of their own has gone rogue by claiming that Justin Bieber knocked her up during 30-second not-so-sexy times in a backstage bathroom at one of his concerts. Buzzfeed put together the best death threat Tweets made by a bunch of Beliebers who really need a chancleta-wielding abuelita in their lives. Reading those Tweets is the best birth control, because who wants their child to join these baby-worshiping crazies as the future of humanity? My parts don't even make ovaries and I'm about to shove an old school Depo Provera syringe up my asshole just in case. Moving on.... I guess Mariah Yeater's 3-month-old son doesn't have a Hasbro tag sticking out of his big toe and a preliminary DNA test could not confirm or deny that he's half teddy bear, because her lawyers still want Justin Bieber to submit a sample. Lawyers for the 20-year-old crazy ho (seen in a bathroom and bedroom photo shoot below) tell Radar that they have every reason to believe that The Lesbeaver is the father of her child and the only way to prove this is with DNA. Justin's lawyers deny that he ever even met her and he's filing his own lawsuit against her for defamation. But Mariah's pepaw, Eddie Markhouse, tells The NYDN that his granddaughter only does underage yodeling fetuses and she does not do lie-telling. "I don't know the whole story. But, from what I understood, she met him at a concert and he sent two security guards down off of the stage to bring her backstage to meet him. She said they partied, had some drinks and they indulged in sex … She's basically an honest good person. She's got a big heart. She's a good kid and she loves this baby." Oh, I believe that Mariah feels nothing but love for her baby. If I had a child that I loved, I'd want to tell him that he was made when a drunk superstar toddler humped on me for half a minute in the dirty stall of some bathroom. Then I'd tell my baby that I didn't sue his father for the money. I did it for the legal right to use his last name on the birth certificate. I mean, if Justin is the father, then Mariah's baby's last name will be: Yeater-Bieber. YEATER FUCKING BIEBER! Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner for the best hyphenated last name ever. Think about it. Grab your tongue and say Yeater-Bieber really fast. EAT. HER. BEAVER. You are definitely not a loving and caring mother if you keep your child from having a last name like that. | |
| Hugh Hefner Is Not Impressed With Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Spread | Top |
Judge Stephanie gave Lindsay Lohan a full week to turn herself in for a jail sentence that will last as long as the dramatic pause the ATM machine makes in front of Michael Lohan before spitting out an "insufficient funds" note, and that's because she has to once again pull out her medicine ball in a tube sock titties and freckled crab shack for Playboy's photographer. LiLo already put her nipples on display for Playboy in a 4 day-long shoot that wrapped last week, but E! News is reporting that when Hef looked at the pictures, the groan that Linda Blair makes in The Exorcist after she barfs up pea smegma played in his head and he ordered a RE-DO! Then he ordered his day nurse to RE-MASH his prune porridge since his leased blond trick of the moment keeps complaining about bits getting into her chocha when she has to sit on his face while changing his colostomy bag (two birds, one stone, etc....). A source says that Hef has brought in a new photographer and is changing the entire concept of LiLo's shoot. The shoot is supposed to happen today and LiLo's cooze has gotten the day off, because she's not going to get fully naked this time. Let's try to do the math without a calculator! Hef's foggy eyes tell him that even industrial-strength Photoshop can't save LiLo's first pictures and now they've excused her vagina from the set? Those two things equals Ryan Murphy offering LiLo's vagina a cameo on American Horror Story as one of the things in the jars down in the basement. Meanwhile, White Oprah is ejaculating with pride over her daughter's Playboy spread to The Insider and says it will be really fucking classy, "It will be tastefully done. She's been working in front of the camera with Ford Models since she was a little girl so she kinda knows how to work that." Leave it to White Oprah to reach new levels of GROSS by using the words "since she was a little girl" while talking about her daughter getting ass lips naked in Playboy. The Toddlers & Tiaras moms thank White Oprah for being skeezier than them. | |
| A Morning Cup Of Joe Jonas | Top |
Before I shove my face into a huge bowl of shit stew with generous chunks of Kuntrashian, Bieber and Lohan, allow my eyeballs to get hypnotized by the hand traveling down to Joe Jonas' purity place at Brit Brit's show in London the other night. I love how Joe is serving up a "Guuurrrrrl, where do you think your paw is going? Fish, be gone!" darting side-eye at the lady dancer but doesn't have anything to say about the booty tooching (I hate you for putting that word into my head, TyTy) boy dancer doing the handjob shimmy down to his Magic Kingdom. This GIF is already a star in the sparkling gay universe, but would it become the Big Dipper of gay constellations (SPOILER ALERT: the answer is yes) if I told you I have that same shirt Joe is wearing? It's the same shirt that some tramp at Duane Reade asked me if I got at Mandee's. Bitch, it's not from Mandee's! It's from Forever 21's men section, thankyouverymuch. via WOW Report (Thanks Kenny!) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 2nd! | Top |
Beyonce (left) visits with her surrogate and his daughter. - OurMissC Runners-up: KFed's infamous sperm are so fucking voracious he knocked up a Real Doll. Twice. - madam s. You know Dina and Michael's parenting is bad when this is the court-appointed guardian for the youngest Lohan children. - annika Meet every viewer of Toddlers and Tiaras. - Ikcor via Picture Is Unrelated (Warning: There's another picture at the link that I'm still trying to scrub from my retinas.) | |
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