The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Everybody's Titty Pictures Are Leaking!
- Gabriel Aubry's House Isn't Fancy Enough For Nahla
- "Live From New York, It's...It's....Can You Hold That Cue Card Up Higher? I Can't See My Next Line!"
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- QOTD: Dr. Drew Thinks Angie Jolie Is Malnourished
- This Bitch Is Talking Again: The Mike Seaver Edition
- The Time Amber Tamblyn Pranked Tyrese's Ass
- True Elegance Coming Through...
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| Everybody's Titty Pictures Are Leaking! | Top |
And by "everybody" I mean Christina Hendricks (who is EVERYTHING) and that Olivia Munn person. You might have been wondering why every chichis-lover with internet connection in your life locked themselves in their bedrooms today and stuffed a towel at the bottom of the door so their musky fap fumes don't get out. Now you know why. Cell phones pictures allegedly of Christina Hendricks and Olivia Munn with their titty balls out somehow made their way onto internet this holy day and I fully expect both of them to pull a Blake Lively by saying, in their best Shaggy voices, that it isn't them. For real, though, some of those pictures might not be them. The picture of Christina's magnificent chichis in their nipplelicious glory could almost be anyone. It could also be a rare picture of the fluffy clouds in heaven since I'm pretty sure that's what the landscape in heaven looks like. You can judge for yourself by grabbing your Detective La Toya kit before clicking on this NSFW link (via ONTD). And those captions to Chris Pine on Olivia's pictures are all kinds of hilarious. I need her to write my Craigslist ads! If Olivia wrote that shit, she should really quit everything she's doing and write comic book porn full time. And about that "big, long dick" thing, we all need to see that receipt, in high-res and laminated form preferably. | |
| Gabriel Aubry's House Isn't Fancy Enough For Nahla | Top |
Gabriel Aubry has made a lot of coins from flashing his nipples and beauty in ad campaigns for Charisma, Louis Vuitton and True Religion, but he still doesn't have enough money to give his daughter Nahla the fancy life she's accustomed to. Nahla's childhood will be scarred unless there's the roof of a mansion over her head and she's got a Blue Ivy-approved wardrobe in her solid gold dresser. Gabriel can't pay for that fancy shit himself, so he's asking a judge to force Halle Berry to fill his gold digger jar with enough money to rent a fancy house, buy Nahla fancy clothes and take her to visit his family in Canada on a fancy plane. Basically, Nahla is THAT fancy. Gabriel wants a chunk load of money including $15,000 to $20,000 a month to rent a house. The judge was supposed to rule on this mess next week, but it's been pushed into April. Gabriel is in danger of losing his custody rights of Nahla, because of the whole "nanny accusing him of raging on her" thing, so the family law judge is waiting for a decision from the dependency judge before ruling on the money thing. These crazy ass bitches have to get crazy over the tiniest things. You know, I barely visited my dad after my parents got divorced, but when I did I had to sleep on a pull-out polyester couch (again, a polyfuckingester couch) in the living room. That shit was busted and I think the springs in the janky mattress took my butt virginity way too soon. Did my dad ever drag my mom to court to get her to give him enough money so he could give me the life I was accustomed to by renting a glamorous 3 bedroom tract house complete with a bedroom set from Levitz? No, but he should've, because I had to go through his bedroom to get to the bathroom and one time I caught him getting down with my one-legged stepmother. I haven't been the same since. So I say, get that money, Gabriel! | |
| "Live From New York, It's...It's....Can You Hold That Cue Card Up Higher? I Can't See My Next Line!" | Top |
| And just like that, a thousand "Since when does this bitch have trouble doing lines?" jokes were born. After a full week of whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview, Lindsay Lohan finally hosted SNL last night and showed us all that she probably should've spent less time whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview and more time rehearsing her In In the other sketches, LiLo seemed extra shifty and had the energy of a soft dick in a tub of ice water. The writers barely used her ass and when they throw her some lines, she read them the same way a nervous and hungover 9-year-old with severe constipation reads in front of his class. Bitch was not ready for this shit. Overall, it wasn't the comedy comeback LiLo was hoping for, but it also wasn't January Jones levels of suck. That said, the producers should've cut the entire show and just showed us 90 minutes of standby host Jon Hamm giggling at the camera. If you want to watch the whole thing and your computer has American citizenship, click here. And here's a few pictures of LiLo, the gorgeous White Oprah (and her shar pei chins) and Jill Zarin at the after-party. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Roxy Hardy (as played by Leilani Sarelle), Catherine Tramell's crazy, murdering lesbian lovah in Basic Instinct. When the cinematic masterpiece from the gods Basic Instinct first came out, my young ass wasn't allowed to watch it since my mother felt that ice pick murder, pussy shadows and Michael Douglas' bare ass was not something a 13-year-old should see. I know, I wish I would've told my mother that I was going to grow up to be a big immoral slut anyway, so she shouldn't have wasted her energies on trying to stop the inevitable. Anyway, when I finally watched Basic Instinct, I learned that, yes, all the hype for Sharon Stone's coochie was called for, but where was the love for the extremely hot Roxy? Roxy's face was always set to BITCH and she taught us that breaking out 80s aerobic moves on the dance floor during the 90s is okay. Roxy also taught us how to spy on your piece on the dance floor while busting out extra sweet moves. Watch and learn (at the 2:00 mark): Taking the focus off of a topless dude in a black vest by doing the side-to-side bob is just one of many of Roxy's gifts. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Ivy Queen (40) | |
| QOTD: Dr. Drew Thinks Angie Jolie Is Malnourished | Top |
On The View yesterday morning (click here to see that mess, try to ignore Pimp Mama Kris), Dr. Drew, who holds a PhD in fame whoring, finally broke his silence on the state of Angie Jolie's nutrition and said that he can no longer keep his mouth shut about the health of a skinny trick he has never treated. Dr. Drew is so good that he can diagnose a bitch through pictures and by reading reports in the highly credible medical journal we all know as UsWeekly. Dr. Drew is obviously the only doctor anybody listens to, so he's letting it be known that he thinks Angie is dangerously close to shriveling away until the only thing that's left of her is that attention whore right leg (because it's going to haunt us forever). "It's another condition where, I saw that, and I spoke up about it on my HLN program, because I felt I had to. I am tired of keeping quiet about this stuff. When I was quiet about the prescription drug use and everybody started dying, and now I feel an obligation to speak up. She's malnourished. She has the stigmata of malnutrition. There are reports, Us Weekly reported she was doing it to make a statement about the kids in Africa that she was working with that didn't have a chance to eat. Who knows what the reason is. I just see malnutrition there and we shouldn't look at that as an ideal of beauty is what I'm saying. She's a beautiful woman, but she needs to be better nourished." "I'm tired of keeping quiet!" - Dr. Drew "We're tired of you NOT keeping quiet!" - The World Dr. Drew is supposed to be the greatest doctor since Dr. Quinn and the best shit he can come up with is that Angie Jolie is malnourished? Anybody who isn't a member of a thinspo journal can see that Angie's got pencil dick arms and needs to take an eatin' tour or twenty with Jessica Simpson. Dr. Drew is Dr. DUH. But you know, maybe the wise words of the all-knowing Dr. Fame Whore had an effect on Angie (no, they didn't), because here she is at McDonald's with Brad Pitt today. Dr. Drew is so going to take credit for Angie sniffing two McDonald's fries instead of one. | |
| This Bitch Is Talking Again: The Mike Seaver Edition | Top |
| As part of Has-Been Week on Piers Morgan's CNN show last night, he talked to Dr. Seaver's son turned evangelical crazy Kirk Cameron about all sorts of shit including gay marriage and homosexuality in general. If you're thinking that putting your ear up to a dog's asshole right before it farts would fill you with more interesting shit than what came out of Kirk's mouth, you're right! But if you still want know what came out of Kirk's pie hole and don't have the stomach to watch him in motion, here you go: Kirk on same sex marriage: "Marriage was defined by God a long time ago. Marriage is almost as old as dirt and it was defined in the garden between Adam and Eve. One man, one woman for life till death do you part. So I would never attempt to try to redefine marriage and I don't think anyone else should either. So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don't." Kirk thinking that marriage is only meant for a man and a beautiful lady he carved out of his own rib bone is his opinion. Kirk also thinking that me sucking on man taint is ruining society just like his mouth has ruined whatever is left of his joke of acting career is his opinion. Those are his opinions and he's entitled to them. Just like I'm entitled to my opinion that without gays and lesbians, the world would be a sad, bland place without glitter, flannel, sprinkles, Home Depot and RuPaul's Drag Race. It's also my opinion that the shit that spews out of Kirk's mouth hole is the reason why nobody wants to come to his foot-long party!
When are we going to get to the part when some Craigslist hustler is on the cover of The National Enquirer talking about how he gave Kirk Cameron a real growing pain. That moment is inevitable and I, for one, can't wait. | |
| The Time Amber Tamblyn Pranked Tyrese's Ass | Top |
Amber Tamblyn's got a lot of spare time on her hands and thank EVERYTHING for that, because if she didn't then she never would've fucked with Tyrese in the kind of prank that self-proclaimed prank master George Clooney only dreams of busting on a trick. Amber writes on her Facebook page (via Street Carnage) that it all started when Tyrese saw her name cc'ed on an email that one of their mutual friends sent out. This shit was destined to be, because Amber Tamblyn's middle name is Rose and her email address is registered under Amber Rose. Tyrese thought Amber Rose was really hip hop concubine Amber Rose and emailed her hoping they can "work" on a music project together. David Cross must be rubbing off on Amber Tamblyn in more ways than one, because she went all the way with that shit. Amber Tamblyn not only pretended to be Amber Rose, but she even sent Tyrese some priceless demos that "Amber Rose" is working on. Their entire conversation complete with the demos is after the jump. If you're hungover, it will soothe you right. If you're not hungover, it will still soothe you right. JUMP! | |
| True Elegance Coming Through... | Top |
Adrienne Bailon and her amateur pook-a-poon theatrics can step aside, because here's a real divine goddess who knows how to serve HO SHIT with a heaping serving of class and elegance. No, this isn't Carmen Carrera with an Eva Longoria face mask on. This is a mysterious and delicate flower named Micaela Schaefer. I'm only calling her mysterious, because I don't know who the fuck she is! Apparently, Micaela was on Germany's Next Top Model for a quick second, but was kicked off since Heidi Klum was jealous of her beauty. Obviously. Micaela now pays her pussy waxing bill with DJ gigs and appearances at such family friendly events like the Holiday on Ice Show in Berlin. Micaela sashayed into the Holiday on Ice Show and gave the children some Holy Bible glamour by coming as the gorgeous slut version of the Garden of Eden complete with her not-so-forbidden fruits on display. I'm so glad that someone is teaching the children of Germany that you aren't officially a style icon until you've chafed your pussy lips on a piece of fake snakeskin. I am just like that lady in the background. I can close my eyes forever now that I've seen it all. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Charly Boy aka His Royal Punkness, Nigerian singer, the glittery jewel of West Africa, a judge on Nigerian Idol, the owner of two stunning antelope antler brows and the lone beauty who is keeping Urban Decay alive and well in Africa. Thanks to Dlisted reader Dave who introduced me to this blossom who bloomed in Africa when the Gods decided that what this world really needs is the love child of King Koopa and Sly Stone who has the sexual essence of Tanya from Basketball Wives L.A. and the style of a junior high school raver circa 2001. I'll let Dave explain the glory of Charly Boy to you: I would like to nominate Charly Boy for Hot Slut of the Day... What a miraculous mess! And you know his farts probably smell like Charlie perfume. | |
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