Thursday, March 8, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Yahoo! Alerts
My Alerts

The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This? Top

Well, here's one way to get your picture in The Daily Mail. Marc Jacobs left Louis Vuitton - Marc Jacobs: The Exhibition in Paris last night with leather daddy Peter Marino and bitch looked like if Sweet Valley High crashed into a drag queen's Thanksgiving party. This is what it would look like if there was a J.Crew, a Liberace boutique and a Plymouth (Crack) Rock shop on the Mayflower and I don't like it. Sometimes you just have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I look like a second grade girl circa 1981 who totally half-assed it for the Thanksgiving pageant?" If the answer is yes, have a seat on one of the orange plastic chairs until your legal guardian shows up to take your busted ass home.

That being said, if Suri Cruise wore this mess, I'd probably declare it the greatest outfit of our time.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

This young megastar has a secret kinky obsession with his actress girlfriend's lingerie! The clean-cut teen, who likes to wear his sweetheart's frilly panties under his low-riding hip-hop jeans, was recently caught going through his honey's G-string collection. Who is he? (National Enquirer via Gawker)

Justin Bieber, stop going through Usher's panty drawer! Don't you have your own Frederick's of Hollywood charge card?

This former A list tweener has had two abortions in the past year. Hopefully it does not add to her personal demons. (CDAN)

Justin Bieber, stop getting abortions! Didn't Usher give you a bottle of chewable Flinstones morning-after pills? Or this could be, Domo Arigato Demi Lovato?

Which B list always movie actress was introduced to coke by her sisters who are also famous. Their favorite game was watching their not even teen sister get high on coke. That turned into an addiction which turned into a nose job. A not very good one, but her acting career has not suffered. (CDAN)

Elizabeth Olsen and those evil ass Trollsens?

Which Hollywood couple of nearly 10 years are headed for Splitsville? Hint: He arrived at the Oscars alone, while she stayed home with their two kids. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher? If this is them, then Ryan Gaycrest is totally going to try to hire Isla Fisher as his next beard to get back at Sacha for ruining his little boy tux from Sears.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

PUT A BIRD ON IT: Johnny Depp as a Native American Crow Tonto in The Lone Ranger, and before you spit shit about how he's not Native American, I'll have your ass know that his memaw was sort of kind Native American, or something - Towleroad

Taylor Kitsch puts on his best James Dean drag for GQ and survey says: needs more nipples - Lainey Gossip

Josh Hartnett still exists and he's spending his time licking on the minge on Amanda Seyfried's foot - The Superficial

Note to George Clooney: check for condom holes - Celebitchy

RiRi is topless AGAIN, but it's totally different this time because she's carrying some kind of weave wand - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Dakota Fanning looks like the queen of the HERP DERP prom - Hollywood Tuna

Gabriel Aubry is off the hook - ICYDK

I think I had that same ugly backpack during my tragic raver days - Popoholic

The Queen and her various degrees of "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" face - Popsugar

Hasselcrack on Kirk Camoron - OMG Blog

Eduardo Cruz finally woke up one morning and realized he was dating Eva Fucking Longoria - I'm Not Obsessed

Spock with child - Just Jared

Lindsay Lohan's coke snorter is going to fall off any second now, so she's obviously perfect for Janice - Videogum

But where is the pregnant fart? - The Frisky

Tow that white shell of gas away! (I'm talking about Miley, not the car) - Hollywood Rag

And yet the banana suit still scored higher on its SATs - SOW

Jim Carrey's crazy face probably looks a lot like his "pushing out a hard shit" face - The Berry

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For March 8th! Top

(Thanks, Mark)

 
Open Post: Hosted By The Queen Bitch Of Survivor Top

Before Survivor: One World (as many a Dlisted commenter calls it, "THIS SHIT IS STILL ON?!!!?") even started airing, Jeff Probst said that the main villain of this season would be the gay Republican from Alabama and he was not telling a lie. Colton started out in the game as the odd ho out. The lady tribe embraced him at first, but quickly shooed him away because they were sick of him buzzing around. Colton didn't want to bother with the dude tribe, because he felt they had nothing in common. Bitch's days were numbered. But all that changed when the lady tribe gave him an immunity idol which unlocked an eye-rolling, lip-smacking, hand-waving cunt beast in him. Colton formed an alliance with the average joes (aka all the dude who don't have a six-pack) of the men's tribe and has taken over the game.

On last night's episode, the women's tribe lost the challenge and were all ready to vote off one of their own at tribal council. But in slithered Colton, who decided that he couldn't stand one more day of being around one of his enemies, Bill, and came up with a plan to get him out. Now, Bill hasn't really done anything to Cunton. Colton just doesn't like Bill, because he's "trash," is poor, loud, tells stupid jokes and doesn't have a real job. In the clip above (at the 1:45 mark), Bill tries to cool the air with Colton, but he threw a spoiled brat hissy fit that only Suri Cruise could love. After that, Colton convinced his followers to give their immunity to the women, so that they could go to tribal council and vote Bill out. I've watched all ten million episodes of Survivor, and that had to be the dumbest move I've ever seen. Cunton has most of the men sucking on his ass lips for why, I don't know. Are they afraid his eye rolls are going to turn them to stone? Are they afraid his non-stop whining is going to turn them to dust?

When they finally got to tribal council (clip below), Cunton opened his mouth and out came shit-soaked pieces of bigoted trash. Even though it has nothing to do with the game, he went on and on about how Bill needs to get a real job and stop being poor. When Jeff asked Colton if he had any black friends, he said there's black people in his life, like his housekeeper. This motherfucker is like the lost son of Hilly from The Help and The Bad Seed.

What really got me, though, is that the other men didn't say anything. One of them even defended Colton. I kept waiting for a hand to fly across the screen to slap the smugness out of Colton, but it never happened. Are they that malnourished that they can't tell a bitch to fuck off when he's acting like a total vile asshole? I would've chewed the bark off of my torch for some protein to grab that trick by the hair and kick him into the ocean. Colton is a disgusting, trashy, self-entitled, prissy ass bigot and he'll probably make it to the end, because the producers know he makes for truly WTF television.

 
Ashley Olsen Is Retiring From Acting FOREVER!!!!! Top

The Hollywood sign still has dried tears on it from when Amanda Bynes quit acting for five seconds that one time, and now it has to suffer through the pain of knowing that one of the goth trolls who used to nibble on the bones of squirrels under it has retired from the acting world for the rest of eternity. Ashley Olsen is really busy selling $39,000 backpacks to total fucking morons and she no longer has a passion for memorizing lines and saying them in a dead monotone voice in front of a camera. While Mary-Kate Olsen is acting in a bunch of crap, Ashley tells Elle UK that she's through with it:

"We worked non-stop until we were 18. Then we decided to take a break and go to school – and that was when we decided to question whether we would carry on in entertainment. It was time to step behind the process. I wanted to work on other things.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested in Hollywood, I like the way it operates and the people who are involved and the sense of possibility. But if I ever do get back in, it's not going to be as an actress. It just felt right to move away."

But...but... If a movie needs two pieces of driftwood covered in yellow seaweed, who's going to play the other one? If Hollywood does a reimagining of The Shining with The Chronicles of Narnia characters in the lead roles, who's going to play the other Gollum Twin? Oh well, I guess if Hollywood really needs another Olsen Troll, they'll get the Illuminati to make them another one using a garden gnome and the blood of a sacrificed chipmunk. At least we'll always have Holiday in the Sun.

 
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Lenny Kravitz In Interview Magazine Top

I really can't read a book (you can stop right there and that statement will till be 95% correct) unless its cover is splattered in leopard print and the words "Jackie" and "Collins" are somewhere on it, but my eyes ate up that Hunger Games shit like I was John Travolta and it was a Dominican man ass. There's not even any sex in that crap! If the first five pages of a book don't talk about "drops of sweat trickling down his plump nipples," I usually throw it in the recycling bin, but I got through the Hunger Games in record time.

Anyway, Lenny Kravitz plays Cinna in the movie and I never pictured him as that character. I pictured a cross between Mondo from Project Runway and the Filipino Power Ranger with a touch of Wilson Cruz. I watched some clip of Lenny in action last night and I still wasn't convinced. But if there's one thing that can convince me, it's Lenny flashing his shaved nipples over a skillet of scrambled eggs in Interview Magazine. You can't ever accuse me of not being easy.

 
Austin Has Lost One Of Its Sparkling Stars Top

Hollywood has Angelyne, Beverly Hills has Quween on the Scene, London has Layla Flaherty, New York has too many to name and Austin had Leslie, a Texas icon who made the job of the local Parks and Recreation Department easier by bringing his twinkling charisma and priceless style to the streets. Austin is a little less weirder today, because Leslie passed away at the age of 60 in a hospice this morning.

KXAN (Thanks to Rachel & Anna for sending this in) reports that Albert Leslie Cochran was hospitalized last month before he was transferred to a hospice. Leslie's health was never the same after he underwent brain surgery in 2009 for an injury he suffered when he fell in front of a taxi late one night. That wasn't Leslie's first head injury. Before Leslie moved to Austin over 20 years ago, he busted his head something serious in a motorcycle accident in Colorado.

Leslie, who was married for a quick second, worked as a truck driver and a disc jockey before he entertained the masses in Austin by sashaying around in a nalgas-bearing thong. Leslie also ran for a mayor a few times and advocated for the rights of the city's homeless. One of Leslie's friends Christine Ann, a shop owner, had this to say about Austin's special rose:

"Leslie lived outside the box. He exemplified that, but also spoke ... passionately that we not take ourselves too seriously. And Leslie, of course, never did. He will be remembered as the icon of weird, the ambassador of weirdness, if you will. As an Austin icon."

Dlisted readers might know Leslie as the star of a few CAPTION THIS Contests. I thank Leslie for that. I couldn't find a place to send donations (if donations are needed) for Leslie's funeral services, so send one over if you come across one. I mean, Leslie has to have a tombstone shaped like a thong. I was about to tell you to put on a thong in Leslie's honor today, but I'm sure your ass is already wearing one. (UPDATE: If you're in the Austin area, you can drop off a donation at BookPeople.)

Rest in peace, Leslie. You are turning the angels on with a hip sway and making heaven a lot more weirder today.

 
Lindsay Lohan Is Finally Looking Good Top

I know, how can I do Goldie Hawn like that especially after I wrote the paps a ticket for mistaking bright shining beauty Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan injects her lips with the liquefied remains of her career in hopes that one day she'll be as beautiful as Goldie Hawn. Drop the syringe, LiLo, because you can't touch this. Goldie launched her children's charity, The Hawn Foundation, in London last night and since she's given so much to society, she decided to do something good for herself by donating several bottles of champs to her froat!

Goldie's hair usually looks like a pack of chihuahuas tried to burrow themselves into it, but it was a category 5 mess last night. Bitch's hair was even drunk. I bet if you snipped off a lock of Goldie's hair and dipped it in a glass of Canada Dry, you'd have an instant 100 proof gin and tonic. Even though Goldie forgot how to get into a car and gave a Mad Men extra a free granny poon show, she still looked like a drunk tumbleweed of glamour. Which is more than I can say for Kate Hudson, who looked like a stoned overgrown dwarf.

 
Hulk Hogan Has No Idea Who His Sex Tape Partner Is Top

Good morning, if you'd like a little of your own barf in your coffee this morning, then read on and keep a vampire handy to glamour these sucio thoughts from your head afterward.

Sick whores who have always wanted to watch a vagina snap into a Slim Jim creamed from every pore yesterday when TMZ broke the news that a dark-sided, vomit-inducing, life-ruining, genital-shriveling fuck tape starring human turkey jerky Hulk Hogan is being shopped around to the highest bidder. The only place a Hulk Hogan sex tape belongs is in a reissue of Faces of Death, but several porn companies are trying to snatch it up. Hulk Hogan tells TMZ that he's never going to sign off on that shit and he didn't even know he had a sex tape out there. We're all backstroking in the gutter together, so let me kill that question in your brain by saying that the tape isn't of Hulk Hogan humping and grunting on a homemade Brooke Hogan Real Doll. TMZ says that Hulk stick his short, stale chicharon in an "unidentified brunette."

Hulk says that screwing on hundreds of pieces has given him a serious case of whorenesia and he has no idea who the brunette in the sex tape is. Right after he divorced Linda Hogan and before he picked up his current wife, he went on a 4-month-long booze and bagina binge. Hulk proved that he's a feminist with a hairy wishbone goatee by saying this: "During that time, I don't even remember people's names, much less girls."

There really is an easy way to find out who the trick in the tape is. Just check the records for every suicide prevention line, because as soon as the ho came down from being high on Hulk's peroxide fumes, the realization of sucking on his fortune cookie titty hit her and she definitely reached for the noose. I mean, who the hell would fuck that bitch? ("You probably would, you dirty slut." - You "You have a point." - Me) You know the dick is so small that when he sticks it in, the screen above your coochie reads "unable to read" like at an ATM. Letting Hulk sex on you is probably a lot like letting a sunburnt hippo with gas lay on your naked body while huffing and farting. And at least the sunburnt hippo won't scream out, "Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania cums on you." Tip me over and pour me out into some brain bleach.

 

CREATE MORE ALERTS:

Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted

Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope

Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more

News - Only the news you want, delivered!

Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more

Weather - Get today's weather conditions




You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)