The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- When Twihards Go Too Far
- Michelle Williams And Jason Segel Are In Love, Or Something
- A Silver Fox Baby Might Be Upon Us
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Lindsay Lohan And Glee Kissed And Made Up
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By James Franco As A KFed Look-Alike
- Lindsay Lohan Is Not The New Carrie
| When Twihards Go Too Far | Top |
I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind..... Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did. Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight. The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more. | |
| Michelle Williams And Jason Segel Are In Love, Or Something | Top |
UsWeekly has a picture of humanized Pixie stick Michelle Williams holding hands with Jason Segel in his coat pocket while strolling through Brooklyn four days ago. Either Michelle is super meta and is playing Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe as Lindsay Lohan and is pickpocketing Jason right under his eyes, or these two are in looooooove. UsWeekly says it's the latter and a source tells them that Jason has been spending time in Brooklyn with Michelle and her kid. Michelle and Jason met through their friend Busy Phillips a long ass time ago, but they only recently started farting hearts out of their eyes for each other. One source says, "She hasn't been this happy in a long time." This is probably why Jason temporarily tore his heart off of his sleeve and placed it into the hands of his Twitter followers a few weeks ago (Jason has since deleted that shit): Honestly a totally hypothetical question but I'm curious. If I fell in love would you guys be happy? It's come to this. This is why you should not operate Twitter while under the influence of the drug known as LOVE. Did Jason really get on one knee and ask his followers for permission to hump a piece full-time? I just...no. You might see this as cute, but I see this as some shit that is going to put me in a neck brace from shaking my head so much. I've only seen one picture of Jason with Michelle and I can already tell that they're THAT couple. You know, that couple who is like kryptonite to us bitter old bitches. Like I was at some grocery store in California a couple of weeks ago, and a couple like THAT was in front of me in the checkout line. The girl kissed on her man's neck and said, "Tell me you love me." And he goes, "I love you, baby." And she goes, "Tell me again." And he goes, "I love love love you." And she goes, "One more time." And he goes, "I love you infinity." And I wanted to go, "Tell me to punch both of you gross bitches in the face, because I really want to," but I was too busy trying to stop the barf from splashing against my teeth. | |
| A Silver Fox Baby Might Be Upon Us | Top |
Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus! Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine: "They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first." In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 27th! | Top |
When your dick grows arms and a tail, you know it's time to take the catheter out. - Orangina Runners-up: View of Snookie's unborn child being nourished by her amniotic fluid. - Lenalena It is nice to see Keith Richards using straws in a more positive way these days. - RealiTEE via Break | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| This bitch slapping goose! - One of the most important rules of life is that you don't mess with a memaw, because they ain't the one today, tomorrow or in the next life. The other important rule of life is that you don't mess with a goose, because they are demon bitches from hell covered in feathers. Geese don't only use their wings to fly north for the winter to terrorize a fresh new group of victims. They also use their wings as giant, flying slapping hands. If you come across a goose, don't look it in the eye and don't step to it, because it will feather slap you so hard that your mama will feel it. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Duchess of Alba (86) | |
| Lindsay Lohan And Glee Kissed And Made Up | Top |
FOX and Ryan Murphy both felt the lukewarm, whiskey-scented, Parliament-infused wrath of White Oprah after GOOP's character called her precious child "crazy" on an episode of Glee. White Oprah stumbled up to the front gate of FOX and nearly dropped the bottle of the Thunderbird in her hand as she vowed to destroy those hateful bitches for telling the truth about her meal ticket! Then White Oprah passed out on the steps and by the time one of FOX's gardeners woke her up by leaf blowing her in the face, she forgot all about it! Or at least I thought she forgot all about it, because there was no lawsuit. But look at what we have here. TVLine says that Lindsay Lohan is "in talks" to play Lindsay Lohan in one of the last episodes of the season. I'm going to guess that the only reason this is happening is because this is part of LiLo's settlement deal with FOX, as well as White Oprah getting 7 minutes in heaven (for her, 7 minutes in the 9th circle for him) with Matthew Morrison's nipple. A source tells TVLine that LiLo will be a "celebrity" judge at Nationals. This shit hasn't been confirmed, but FOX did confirm that Whoopi Goldberg is playing a drama school professor in several episodes. The good news is that LiLo is playing a judge, which means she'll sit at a table, which means she can read her lines off of a prop note card sitting on the table, which means she won't have to strain her crack smoke-damaged retinas by reading a teleprompter. NO, I'm sure LiLo has really grown as an actress since her cue card-reading SNL days. LiLo will totally write her lines in dot lettering with an orange Sharpie on the palm of her hand so it looks like freckles. That's how serious actresses do it! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
A Bernadette Peters side-eye is just what I needed today and it should win all the Tonys - Lainey Gossip So who's going to come out and say that Amber Heard is like 2012's Sharon Stone - Hollywood Tuna Meanwhile, Peter Cook also weeped after his laptop crashed while downloading porn for 8 straight hours - Celebitchy So does this mean that MDNA doesn't come with a "Molly" tab, because that was the only reason to buy that shit - Towleroad Does Megan Fox realize how hard it is to scrub black paint out of white wax? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather This is obviously a huge misunderstanding. Gerard Butler was drunkenly hitting on a dirty mop in a yellow bucket full of stank water and someone mistook it for Lindsay Lohan. It happens all the time. - The Superficial John Ritter's (enter your finding here after you study the Ritter family tree) gets down to her chonies for MeInMyPlace - Popoholic The What The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This Hall Of Fame - The Berry Add Chloe Sevigny to the above link - Moe Jackson The hobo hipster convention is in town - Popsugar Matt Bomer as "Cooper Anderson." No Comment. - OMG Blog NeNe Leakes lands a pilot while a foreclosure notice lands on Sheree's empty plot of dirt - Crunk + Disorderly Candice Swanepoel in UK GQ - Hollywood Rag And you thought pretending to have explosive diarrhea was a hardcore way of avoiding a job. You ain't got this on this one-footed crazy - The Daily What HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Hollywood Rag Things that make me hate life: Finding out that a puppy is more flexible than me - Cityrag | |
| Open Post: Hosted By James Franco As A KFed Look-Alike | Top |
No, this is not a picture of James Franco in Socks with Sandals: The Kevin Federline Story. This is James Franco as a trashy Feder-wannabe drug dealer on the set of Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers with Justin Bieber's diaper changer, an unidentified ginger, some girl from Pretty Little Liars, Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel Korine. When this mess eventually goes straight to motel pay-per-view, none of us need to see it since we've seen every inch of this movie thanks to the ten million paparazzi pictures from the set. If Instagram existed in 1989 and a 17-year-old party slut from Florida had one, this movie would be based on that Instagram. And yes, it goes without typing, but I'd hit JFed until he poked out my PopoZao. (I don't know what that means either.) Source: Selena Gomez's Instagram via Vulture | |
| Lindsay Lohan Is Not The New Carrie | Top |
Stephen King said last year that he thinks Lindsay Lohan is perfect for the title role in the movie version of one of his books and he wasn't talking about Cujo or Dolores Claiborne. Stephen was talking about the ten hundredth remake of Carrie. I'm assuming that Stephen King only said that shit because White Oprah threatened to douse him in a bucket of pig's blood (aka squat and queef over him) if he didn't. Thankfully, White Oprah didn't get to the movie's director Kimberly Pierce, because Kimberly has cast 15-year-old Chloe Moretz as Carrie instead of 55-year-old-in-the-face Lindsay Lohan. Deadline says that MGM put out an offer to Chloe after Kimberly met with the likes of Dakota Fanning for the role. Kimberly met with Chloe last weekend and a quick minute later, a contract was dropped into her lap and she accepted that shit. Kimberly will now start searching for someone to play the Piper Laurie role. Rumor is that both Jodie Foster and Julianne Moore are being considered for Carrie's fun-hating crazy mom. I've always had a special place in my dead heart for crazy ass Carrie. Brats made fun of Carrie for getting her period and brats made fun of me by saying it only a matter of time before I got my period. Brats threw maxi-pads at Carrie and brats threw tampons at me in the gym. (Yes, my sister regularly got free tampons, but the plastic on those things hurt!) Carrie burned those brats to the ground on prom night and I secretly wished those brats would get burned to the ground on prom night. I know Carrie and this Chloe girl is no Carrie. Homegirl is not busted enough to play Carrie. I wonder what kind of Hollywood wizardry they're going to do to her to "fugly" her up. Give her a pair of glasses, put her hair in a bun and then use my junior high school yearbook picture as inspiration for the rest of her look?! Actually, that will probably work. | |
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