The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- After 21 Trimesters of Pregnancy, Baby Maxi Pad Is Finally Here
- A Bankrupt Octomom Will Do Fap Porn
- In Case You Missed It, The Dark Knight Rises Trailer
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 30th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Vision Of Labia
- Evening Crumbs
- This Is Everything: Grannies Watching Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape
- Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210
| After 21 Trimesters of Pregnancy, Baby Maxi Pad Is Finally Here | Top |
Yes, most hos in Los Angeles had to take a row boat to work this morning after Jessica Simpson flooded the streets with the tsunami of amniotic fluid that poured out of her while giving birth, but at least she can now walk the streets without having to worry about Ooma Loompas trying to roll her into the juicing room. Jessica announced on her site that 9 lbs. 13 oz. of baby came out of her body at a hospital in L.A. this morning. As the Pop Tarts industry weeps over Jessica inevitably going on Weight Watchers to get her "body back," read the statement that I'm sure their baby wrote herself since she had nothing else to do up in there but listen to Rosetta Stone MP3s. "Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!" Maxwell Drew sounds like the name of Nancy Drew's know-it-all boy cousin who has dreams of becoming an R&B star. Now that that's over, brace yourselves for all the magazine pictures of Baby Maxi holding her ears because she really doesn't want to her mother oversharing at the mouth about how great post-birth sex is. And can somebody please tell Papa Joe to take off that human breastfeeding pump costume already? Jessica isn't going to fall for it again! | |
| A Bankrupt Octomom Will Do Fap Porn | Top |
OctoMom has 15 mouths to feed, doesn't have a steady job, gets at least $4,000 a month in public assistance, is losing her house and owes her creditors $1 million. So in order to dig herself out of the mountain of bills that is bigger than the mountain of dirty diapers in her kitchen, she can either try to sell some of her kids to Brangelina ("This one looks really good wearing all black, Angie!") or she can declare bankruptcy and tap her octopussy on camera for a check. Octo is going with the second option. I'll wait here while you update your "Things I Don't Want To Put My Eyeballs On But Will Put My Eyeballs On Because I Like To Feel Dead Inside While Watching Porn" list. Octo tells E! News that she's hoping to start over financially by taking a Magic Eraser to her outstanding invoices from Verizon Wireless, Orkin Pest Control (note: that joke is too easy), the DMV, a Christian school, Sparkletts, Indy Mac Mortgage and a few utility companies. Octo filed for Chapter 7 on Friday and in the documents she says that she has $50,000 in assets and $1 million worth of liabilities. Octo went on to tell E!: "I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year and Filing Chapter 7 was one of them. But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start." Because Octo's financial state is as broke as her sanity, she's signed up to do solo porn for an unnamed adult entertainment company. A source tells TMZ that Octo is getting more than the $10,000 she got from Closer for posing sort of topless, but who knows if she's getting close to the $1 million Vivid offered her ass a while ago. Octo has vowed a million times over that she will never go against her morals by doing porn, but she doesn't see this as porn since she's keeping her hands to herself. My stomach just filed for Chapter 7 just thinking about Octo rubbing on her coochie tentacles. Didn't Octo say that she's celibate and hasn't hugged her clit with her fingers in years?! Not only is this video going to fuck with our faith in porn, but it's also going to be depressing, boring and uncomfortable as all hell. That mess should be marketed as an educational video on how NOT to do yourself. Watching Octo try to rub out an orgasm is probably like watching John Travolta try to figure out how cunnilingus works. The crazy who said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, was talking about this right here. | |
| In Case You Missed It, The Dark Knight Rises Trailer | Top |
| The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read "Dark Knight released"). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he's done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I'm also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she's putting on makes her sound like she's got a hairball stuck in her froat and she's about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode. And you know, more people should say, "There's a storm coming" at the beginning of trailers, because that's not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I'd go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it's going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we're all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 30th! | Top |
In another hard hitting journalism story, Anderson found out what was hiding beneath Mariah Carey's pants. - Kismet145 Runners-up: Why yes, Mr. Cooper, my fur rug DOES match your drapes. - MrsL via Best Week Ever | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
3 Golden Sisters, the three Italian memaws from the Bronx who became my vote for the official voice of the people when their video of them watching Kim Kardashian's sex tape made the rounds yesterday. I'm waiting for the 3 Golden Sisters to get their own network (MTV: Memaw Television) where they bestow us with their wisdom on everything 24 hours a day and I'm sure that will happen (probably not), but in the meantime they have their own website. On their Internet home, the 3 Golden Sisters drop a little advice, show off their talent for posing with inanimate objects (watch out, Chicken Cutlets!) and post more YouTube gems. The Golden Girls can never be replaced, but until we all go to heaven to watch Bea, Rue and Estelle perform with a Betty White hologram, we have the 3 Golden Sisters. Mary, holding the 4 aces, is the eldest sister of 6 and has been a hairdresser for decades. Mary was married to her husband for 61 years and has two sons, four grandchirruns and two great grand children. At 81 years old, Mary still beautifies hair at her salon 3 days a week. Teresa, holding the Shia headshot, is a veteran hairdresser who switched things up years ago when she bought a talent agency. 72-year-old Teresa discovered Shia when he was 11 years old (Yes, Nana Teresa's to blame!) and she still talks to him today. (I'm hoping Teresa sends him a bar of Hazmat soap every now and again as a reminder that he needs to scrub the bedbugs out of his beard.) Teresa is a mother to two kids, a memaw to 9 grandchildren and a great memaw to one grandkid. Josie, holding the blowdryer, is Teresa's twin sister and is also a hairdresser. Josie opened her own salon in California 38 years ago and she's still putting the glamour on women today. Josie has been married for 50 years and has four kids and a few grandchildren. Nowe we know the basics about the newest Metamucil-flavored jewels in the Internet treasure box. And here's a quick clip of the 3 Golden Sisters celebrating 4/20 by trying to figure out how to work a bong. Did that clip get me high or am I really looking at Celine Dion's head on Mary's chichi? | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Joanna Lumley (66) | |
| Vision Of Labia | Top |
While most singers try to sing from their diaphragm, Mimi goes way deep and sings from her coochie. Now, that is how it's done! During the closing concert at the Ischgl ski resort in Austria yesterday, Mimi prepared to let out a 32 octave butterfly yodel by breathing in so hard that her Spandex ski pants practically polished her damn cervix. Mimi's poon will be spitting out Spandex for days! I refuse to call it a camel toe, because Mimi doesn't do camels, darlings. It's more like a lamb toe. Hell, it's the whole damn lamb's foot! It also looks like a unicorn putting its hooves together to pray, and two butterfly cocoons hanging next to each other, and Homer Simpson with red lipstick on, and a fortune cookie molded from Play-Doh. Basically, Mimi's cooze flaps look like everything. Who knew that Mimi has the Rorschach test of pussy lips? Even though Mimi's got an entire stampede up in her pants and her coochie could be a star in the world of competitive pants-eating, CoCo is still the Queen of Camel Toes. I mean, who would you put money on in a camel toe wrestling match? Exactly. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
What in the Batman meets Hefty bag hooker Hell is that on Adrienne Bailon's body? - Hollywood Tuna Sandra Bullock's maybe piece looks like a younger Simon Cowell. Maybe that's why Baby Louis can't stop side-eyeing - Lainey Gossip Either Mad Mel finally got a blowjob or his veterinarians sedated him with the same shit they sedate rabid bears with, because he was TOO calm on Leno - The Superficial January Jones' baby does have Matthew Vaughn's hairline... - Celebitchy RuPaul is not about to let lying bitches fuck up the Drag Race finale - Towleroad Why is Kate Upton allowing her nipple to get that close to Troyzan from Survivor? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Where have the Glittery Gays of YouTube been, because I need them to recreate RiRi's new video next to the BBQ in their mom's backyard - The Berry The skinny ass chipmunk that is Miley Cyrus walking to her car, take 5,298 - Popoholic A true American hero - The Daily What Patrick Dempsey is like the new Ryan Gosling - IDLYITW Lady CaCa needs to be in prison for committing My Little Pony genocide - Just Jared More privileged white girl problems coming your way! - Popsugar Do you think Eddie Cibrian mumbled through the "for poorer" part or did he just skip it altogether? - ICYDK Too easy: Queef Latifah will perform at Long Beach's Gay Pride Parade - Crunk + Disorderly Behold, Jessica Simpson's first after-labor meal - Hollywood Rag Exorcist baby (not a Snooki post) - Cityrag No. - OMG Blog Lionel Richie says "Goodbye" to Duets - SOW I hope they call it Diaries of a Beard - I'm Not Obsessed (Picture via Pacific Coast News) | |
| This Is Everything: Grannies Watching Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape | Top |
| Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: "She's just laying there!" I became these three memaws' fan at "His tongue is as long as his dick!" and I became their biggest fan at "His nose is in her cligh-toris!" Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther's Original Theater 2012. via Gawker | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210 | Top |
No, this isn't a picture of Dr. 90210, one of the original E! whores, holding up the tampon that fell out of his man pussy. This is a picture of Dr. Robert Rey posing with a peen implant during a meet and greet with his "fans" at the Seminole Casino in Hollywood, FL on Saturday. It's nice to see that after all these years Dr. 90210 is still a frosted, latex-covered MESS! Bitch looks like he just woke up from a coma after overdosing on the wrong kind of K during Black Party Weekend in 2001. Dr. 90210's calico cat hair makes me think of my terrifying adventures with Sun-In and that outfit makes me think of how I used my first credit card to actually buy something from the International Male catalog. Dr. 90210 is like a human time capsule of everything that was wrong about the early 2000s. Dude looks like a Euro gay porn star from 2002 who just can't let go of his glory days. I bet he smells like poppers, Drakkar, L.A. Looks gel and anti-chaffing cream. That being said, I'd still hit it even though he's so damn greasy that fucking on him would be like humping a Slip 'N Slide covered in baby oil. But Dr. 90210 would have to bring his "friend" who sort of looks like a beary Haley Joel Osment on growth hormones. | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment