The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Bobby B Did Not Get Whitney Hooked On The Bad Shit, Says Bobby B
- Levi Johnston Already Hates His Unborn Baby
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 1st!
- Hot (And Stupid As Hell) Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Brian McKnight's Full Musical Instruction Manual For Your Coochie Has Arrived
- SamRo Is Trying To Be A Singer Now
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Li Li
- Charlie Sheen Wants To Sue Over This
| Bobby B Did Not Get Whitney Hooked On The Bad Shit, Says Bobby B | Top |
| Bobby Brown is shaking head "no" to the gossip that he's the one who introduced Whitney Houston's nostrils to the bad shit. Bobby B told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that bitches shouldn't put the blame on him for getting Whit hooked on drugs, because she was already in deep before he came into her world. Before Bobby met Whitney, the hardest stuff he put in his body was weed smoke and beer. Whitney's the one who brought narcotics into his life, not the other way around. My eyes are rolling so hard that I can't focus on pulling the showmethereceipts.gif out of my archives, so can you do it for me? Yes, but I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's something I learned during cunty bloggers class at The Learning Annex. Bobby told Matt that Whitney's issue with addiction started before him. Bobby says, "I didn't get high before I met Whitney. I smoked weed, um, I dranked beer, but I wasn't the one that got Whitney on drugs.... I worried about it when we first got together until I tried it. And when I tried it, for some reason I have an addictive personality. It's unexplainable. But no, I wasn't the one who got her addicted to drug. I'm not the reason she's gone." Bobby also said that he had "14 beautiful years" with Whitney, but their reality show Being Bobby Brown opened up both of their eyes to how messed up they looked to everybody else. That convinced Bobby to get clean. I'm not one of those bitches who blames Bobby for Whitney's death or thinks he was the cause of all her addictions. Whitney and Bobby's relationship was toxic for the both of them. Their relationship was like felching someone who just ate a whole bag of prunes. It wasn't going to end well. That being said, Bobby is not sitting there, on a talk show, acting like he was the innocent one. Of course Bobby says this after the fact. Bitch, stop. May an unpoppable doody bubble haunt Bobby's ass for the rest of his days. | |
| Levi Johnston Already Hates His Unborn Baby | Top |
Levi Johnston's brain is made of dried moose shit and his decision making skills are as broke as the condom he wore during his first time with Bristol, but you'd think he'd try to be considerate when it comes to giving his unborn daughter a name she has to live with until she's old enough to crawl to the courthouse to change it. But nope! Levi is still trashier and dumber than ever. Levi and the trick he knocked up, Sunny Oglesby, tell Inside Edition (via HuffPo) that they have decided to give their daughter the name of a morning shift cocktail waitress at a strip club/gun shop (or the name of the villain's mistress in a low-budget Bond parody starring Tom Selleck). The name they are writing on her birth certificate is: BREEZE BERETTA JOHNSTON!!!!! A name that makes you think of Chris Breezy and Robert Blake at the same time is not a name you should give to an innocent child you're supposed to have love for. Breeze isn't that bad. Yes, it sounds like the name of a Glade scent you'd use to mask your poop fumes, but it also sounds like the name of a member of a 1970s hippie cult commune that bases its teachings on the album Free to be...You and Me. I can deal with that. But BERETTA!? Beretta isn't a family name either. Sunny and Levi say that they are naming her after the gun. A mess. Why didn't they just go all the way with this foolery? Why didn't they name her God Fart Glock or Queefah Rifle? And Sunny also told Inside Edition the romantic tale of how Breeze Beretta was conceived: "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control." I guess Breeze Beretta's fucked up name is the least of her problems.... | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 1st! | Top |
The Three Sirens of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and NutriSystem come to take the afterbirth away following Maxwell's delivery. - Migraine Sally Runners-up: Difficult Brown capitalizes on its 15 minutes of fame by agreeing to pose for Playboy. - perky Upon hearing the news that Octomom was getting ready to unleash a self-fapping porn video upon the world, George Lucas digs up the corpse of Jabba The Hutt in order to cash in on what will be TLC's new reality show: HORRIFYING THINGS I MASTURBATED TO. - Kristoff The Devil (Thanks, Ben) | |
| Hot (And Stupid As Hell) Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Disclaimer: Dlisted is not giving this orange-glazed roasted beauty the Hot Slut title for the felony crimes she allegedly committed against her 5-year-old daughter. Dlisted does not condone putting your 5-year-old daughter in a stand-up tanning bed. IN THIS ECONOMY, you should not waste a tanning salon session on a 5-year-old. Their skin will burn, you'll end up in jail and all the money you spend on your bail could've been spent on like 200 skin baking sessions for yourself. If you want your 5-year-old's skin to be the same color (shade: melanoma leather) as you, just spray them down with orange house paint from Home Depot or slather them with those magical tan towels from HSN, which I almost bought last night. HSN + guzzling down 4 snack cups of 60 calorie chocolate pudding = the loss of all self control. 44-year-old Patricia Krentcil, who hails from the Florida of the Northeast New Jersey, found her chicken fried wrists in handcuffs for allegedly committing second-degree child abuse by putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Her daughter's kindergarten teacher overhead the girl bragging to her friends that her mommy took her tanning. When the kindergarten teacher inspected the girl's skin, she found a few sunburns. The police were called and Patricia was charged with felony child endangerment since it's against the law to put a kid under the age of 14 in a tanning booth. Patricia was released on $25,000 bail and will face a judge sometime today. But Patricia told NBC New York that it's all a misunderstanding. Patricia did take her daughter to the tanning salon, but the little girl was never exposed to the UV lights. Patricia says that her daughter got a little sunburnt while playing in the yard over the weekend. If you've ever wanted to know what it would look like if Magda's clit was able to speak words, watch Patricia defend herself in the interview below. WARNING: Watching this will fill you with the desire to eat pork rinds on a plate made of water-damaged leather. It might also expose your skin to UV rays, so I'd slather SPF 3000 on your monitor just in case.
My skin shriveled in fear and it's now three shades darker thanks to watching George Hamilton's skin idol in motion. When I licked my finger and put it on my monitor, I heard a sizzle sound. I bet even Patricia's piss is brown. You could use it as self-tanner! I do not agree with Patricia's parenting skills, but I do agree with her choice to shop for lip liner in the black marker section of Rite-Aid. Sharpie lip liner is always the look. Wait. Or maybe that's not lip liner. Maybe Patricia's jerkyfied herself in a tanning booth so much that the edges of her lips burnt. Well, I have always said that the best part of an overbaked lasagna is its crispy, burnt edges. And it goes without saying, but this is the future of Snooki's unborn baby. (Thanks, Marnie!) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
The Rock (40) | |
| Brian McKnight's Full Musical Instruction Manual For Your Coochie Has Arrived | Top |
Professor Brian McKnight, who has a PhD in pussy education, is serious about teaching you the ABCs of poon and so he's released the full version of his how-to-make-your-coochie-cream ballad. Never mind that most pussies will force themselves into sleep mode if Professor McKnight tried to teach it anything, I'll still be humming it while rolling around my Ikea sheepskin rug tonight. And now I'll leave you and this mess alone, because I know you need to practice the moves you're going to do while slow dancing to this song at your wedding. It's definitely some first dance shit. You know, this fuckery could also double as an anthem for cats in the workforce. via Kid Fury | |
| SamRo Is Trying To Be A Singer Now | Top |
| Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy is taking a break from making hundreds of thousands of dollars for pressing playing on iTunes at parties and is trying to the whole singing thing. I have no doubt that SamRo can press the fuck out of a play button on an iPod, but daaaamn her singing voice makes me wish she came with a mute button. SamRo's album "Chasing the Reds (An Ode To Period Sex)" is out now and she warbled out one of the songs on LIVE! With Kelly this morning. If you've ever told a lame dog that its soul-killing painful yelp is the worst thing that has ever touched your ears, then you need to send that lame dog an apology card. Because this shit is worst. SamRo getting a record tells me that every drunk frat boy who sounds like hell while singing a Bruno Mars song during karaoke night at the sports bar (you know who you are) should also get a record deal. I was going to throw hate at Kelly Ripa for saying that SamRo's piece of shit song is going to be all the rage in bars, but then I realized that she's probably telling the truth. Whenever a bar is slow, they're going to put on this SamRo song and BOOM! Every ho in there will buy a shot of EVERYTHING and drink until the booze overflows up into their head and drowns out their sense of hearing. via Radar | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Vanity Fair puts Marilyn Monroe on their cover again, but it could've been worse. They could've put (insert the name of a celebwhore that powers your eye rolls here) as Marilyn on their cover instead. - Celebitchy The make-up department of The Railway Man figured it's easier just to throw some brown bangs over Nicole Kidman's marble slab forehead than to try to paint lifelike wrinkles on it - Lainey Gossip Willam somehow found a way to stuff my favorite phrase "dick cheese" into a Selena Gomez song - Towleroad Pretty sure Lindsay Lohan came out of the womb with a Red in her mouth so the source (read: White Oprah) needs to stop with the "hardly smokes" shit - The Superficial Kate Upton dances like a chimp having a seizure - Hollywood Tuna Sofia Vergara's nipples sort of come out for GQ Mexico - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Michael Assbender is covered in way too much clothing in Esquire UK - ICYDK The "meditation" should be an oil wrestling bikini match, because Tameka's gladiator ass would have that shit wrapped up three seconds after the bell rang - Crunk + Disorderly That tiny wolf dog is way too adorable to be seen with the likes of Miley's ass - Popoholic This is mostly what it looks like when my childhood farts - The Berry How many Kardashians were shaved to make that vest Chupa's wearing? - Popsugar The Gay Super Bowl nominees are out! - Just Jared Malin Akerman delivers - Cityrag The fuck is Carrie Underwears wearing? - I'm Not Obsessed Not-So-Fun Fact: The mall that was used for the Back to the Future mall is the mall where my junior high school friend told me to stand guard outside of the bathroom in Sears so she could get finger banged by her boyfriend inside. I still hate her today. - Hollywood Rag | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Li Li | Top |
| You don't need a bike lock when you've got Li Li who can guard your shit from thieves and look adorable while doing so. Meanwhile, my dog just completed his 45th nap of the day and he's still looking at me like, "Bitch, stop typing so loud. Some of us are trying to sleep." via Buzzfeed | |
| Charlie Sheen Wants To Sue Over This | Top |
In "Bitch, you know you need to stop" news, Charlie Sheen is threatening to throw a lawsuit at Cheetahs strip club in Manhattan for naming the VIP room after him. The president of Cheetahs says that Charlie isn't mad because the club is using his name to make money, he's mad because men can pay to eat sushi off of semi-naked strippers in the VIP room and he feels this damages his reputation. Charlie does have a point. Charlie has a tarnished, bruised, wart-ridden reputation as the warlock king of sucioness to uphold and eating raw fish off of a bare titty is an act that's way to classy for him. If a dude could pay to snort dried tiger blood out of a hooker's ass crack as a goat slapped its lipstick on his back, Charlie wouldn't be bitching. Here's what the president of Cheetahs told Page Six about Charlie's threats:
Charlie's lawyer says it has nothing to do with his reputation and everything to do with Cheetahs making money off of his name. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place? If I'm going to nibble on coochie fumes-infused raw salmon, I don't want to do it while staring at a Charlie Sheen picture staring at me. That combination sounds like a quick way to get a case of the barfs and a case of the retina herps. I'll never know why Cheetahs didn't name their VIP room "The Piven Cave" in the first place. | |
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