Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn't Like Pippa Middleton's Face Top

Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

"Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK".

 
Night Crumbs Top

Snoop Dogg thinks he's the reincarnation of Bob Marley, has quit hip hop and is recording a reggae album as Snoop Lion. In other words, Snoop got beyond blazed while watching The Lion King with The Wailers blasting in the background - The Hollywood Reporter

Somebody tell Taylor Swift to Google "Kennedy curse" - Lainey Gossip

Brad Pitt needs to paste that bushy stache over his eyes if he wants to nail his JR Ewing impersonation - Popsugar

For the 50 millionth year in a row, Vanity Fair has done a wrong by not naming Shauna Sand as their best dressed of the year - Celebitchy

Please tell me that a second after this picture was taken, Miley Cyrus' dog lifted his leg on her skirt - Drunken Stepfather

Today's lesson from Christina Milian: When the paparazzi won't return your calls, just tweet your own swimsuit pictures - Hollywood Tuna 

This is best viewed with the mute button on - Towleroad

"At least I'm not doing men in the bathroom all night long, slut pig!" - Kim Richards - The Superficial 

That motorcycle is staring at Olivia Munn's ass - Popoholic

Jared Padalecki with child - ICYDK

BREAKING: Tommy Girl makes Suri Cruise walk on her own. "Happiest place on Earth" my ass - Just Jared

SamRo feels Katy Perry's pain - IDLYITW

Cuba Gooding Jr. is wanted, which is not something you hear often - Celebslam

Julianne Hough + Josh Duhamel + Nicholas Sparks = unflavored cheese - The Berry 

Hermione Granger is not going to get tied up and slapped around - Videogum

Falcor Rimes' endodontist did us all wrong by not sewing her much shut when they had the chance - Hollywood Rag

1975: Where nightmares go for inspiration - Cityrag

Why the children of Austria were running from the town center while screaming about how The Grinch has arrived really early to steal Christmas - I'm Not Obsessed

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 31st! Top

via Evil Milk

 
B. Coop As The Elephant Man Top

I went to Williamstown, MA a couple of weekends ago, because every now and again I like to trade in my nightly routine of getting drunk in my underwear on my couch for getting drunk in my swim panties on a patch of grass in the country somewhere. And I also went, because my gay gene compelled me to see a Sharon Tate-ized Leslie Bibb as a bimbo in a Neil Simon play. While I was there, some goat-footed, wheezy old theater queens (aka me in five years) in the lobby kept slobbering on and on about how Bradley Cooper has been a revelation during rehearsals for The Elephant Man. Then they said something about how B. Coop is only wearing old-timey chonies for a small chunk of the play. That was all I needed to hear to run to the box office and say, "One ticket for next week's opening night of The Elephant Mens, please." A bunch of whores had the same idea as me, because I was denied a ticket and told the entire run sold out in a quick second. Boo.

Well, now I'm really booing at not getting a ticket, because here's some pictures of B. Coop pushing out some serious raw emotions in The Elephant Man and I need to see all this WTF-ness live and in motion. The dude who plays Joseph Merrick in The Elephant Man never wears prosthetics, because the playwright Bernard Pomerance wanted everything to be communicated through physical acting stuff. But I think Bernard Pomerance was a future see-er and just really wanted the world to see B. Coop making an "Andy Cohen rocking out to Journey" face, among many others. Just give B. Coop all the Tonys already.

Bonus: Here's a picture of Bowie in a loin cloth as Merrick.

 
Open Post: Co-Hosted By Michael Douglas & Matt Damon Top

These are some of the first pictures of Michael Douglas as Liberace and Matt Damon as his young lover Scott Thorson on the set of Steven Soderbergh's Behind the Candelabra, which will air on HBO next year. Seeing Liberace makes most people cough out gold flakes from their b-holes and I'm not getting that feeling from these pictures, but Michael Douglas still has time to really spread the gold glitter. However, the one that's really dropping some feathered gorgeousness on my eye balls is Matt Damon. I didn't think I'd ever type this without Ben Affleck forcing me to do so by holding one of his moobs to my head, but Matt Damon looks hot.  That golden wig does wonders for his face. When he finishes shooting this shit, he should keep that feathered wig on his head to play Kristy McNichol in a biopic.

 
Lindsay Lohan Is Acting All Demure Again Top

Not a day goes by when Lindsay Lohan's saggy tit bags aren't playing patty cake with her knees during a topless photo shoot, but while shooting a scene for that low-budget, direct-to-Xtube movie The Canyons, she played the "ohmygawd I can't possibly show the chichis everyone on this planet has seen at least a dozen times" card.

TMZ says that before filming a scene where HoHan had to pull her freckled floor dusters out, she got a sudden case of the shies and told the crew that she'd only get topless if they stripped down to their boxers. Usually when HoHan makes a bunch of dudes take their pants off, the scene ends with her distracting them by giving them lazy handjobs while White Oprah sneakily crawls into the room to snatch all of their wallets from their pant pockets. Yeah, so if you're one of those crew members, now you know where your missing wallet went.

This obviously just a planted story to make LiLo looks like the epitome of modest and the crack industry's answer to Mother Teresa. Or maybe.... this story is made of truth and she only made those dudes get down to their chonies, because she's so used to making her johns strip as soon as they walk through the motel door to make sure they're not cops. Occupational hazard!

 
But, But Who Will Get Custody Of Bear Pattinson-Stewart? Top

Forget the Battle For Suri and Losing Nahla '12, the real custody war we should all be focusing on is the one between RPattz and Kristen Stewart over their fur child Bear Pattinson-Stewart. Finally, a hobo hipster version of Kramer vs. Kramer with 100% more lip-biting, fleas (not from Bear) and vamp sparkles. Cue up the Vivaldi!

Bear was saved from flying up to heaven when RPattz and KStew adopted him from a high-kill shelter in New Orleans sometime last year. Before KStew wrecked her happy home by letting a married director wreck her bland coochie with his tongue (Why did I type that?), she and RPattz were planning to adopt another fur kid from a high-kill shelter in L.A. But Radar says those plans are off and now KStew will try to attempt the impossible by changing her one emotion from "duuuuuuuuurr" to "raaaaaaaaaaaaage" while fighting RPattz for Bear. You probably already heard what Radar's source had to say about this when CNN covered this HIGHLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY last night, but read it again. It's that important.

"After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear. She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby. But Rob was so hurt by Kristen's actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man's best friend and Bear is such a good companion. However, Kristen won't give up Bear in a hurry. She helped Rob save Bear from Parvo disease, which nearly took its life when it was a puppy. She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy."

Let's break this down for Bear Pattinson-Stewart.

Kristen Stewart getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart. I can stop there, because that is a huge con, but I'll keep going. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a mom who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pros - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart,  which means his 500 daily naps will be extra deep since he'll always be bored from looking at her boring face. And Bear will always feel clean and pristine next to KStew's dirty ass.

RPattz getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear runs the risk of Twihard saliva falling on his head when one of RPattz's crazed fans slobbers all over his owner during one of their walks. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a dad who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pro - Bear won't have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart.

Based on all of that, I say give sole custody to RPattz and let KStew have supervised visits every other week. If KStew can't make her scheduled visit (because she's too busy rubbing her box on married man tongue, obviously), then just let Bear spend some quality time with a piece of bleached chicken leather. He won't know the difference.

 
This Is The Look: Javier Bardem As An Evil Blonde Top

If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, "Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado," this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem's hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.

Below is the new trailer for The Queen's homeboy's new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier's peroxide glamour:

Daniel and Javier's scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, "Just look at you, chasing spies," I expected Bond to snap back with, "Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of." Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!

Here's Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night's NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn't have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.

 
Henry Hopper Might Be The New Roman Polanski Top

Henry Hopper, the 21-year-old son of the late Dennis Hopper, has been slapped with a lawsuit from the mother of a 16-year-old girl who claims that he drugged and repeatedly raped her daughter at his house in Venice, CA.

According to TMZ, the legal papers filed in L.A. claim that Henry met the unidentified girl, known as "Jan Doe" in the lawsuit, (Jan Doe sounds like the name of the awkward middle sister of the Doe sisters) through a mutual friend in February of last year. They regularly talked to each other on Facebook and after a few months, he started figuratively leaving a trail of booze and the bad shit from her front door to the front door of his house in Venice. Henry promised to give Jan Doe all the drugs and sweet nectar she wanted if she came over. When a then 15-year-old Jan Doe went to his house, he gave her drugs and booze, and waited until she was all kinds of messed up before he "engaged in sexually offensive conduct with her." Jan Doe alleges that Henry forced her to engage in sexual intercourse and "oral copulation and sodomy."

The lawsuit goes on to say that because Henry repeatedly preyed on Jan Doe's naive "vulnerability," she has suffered mentally and emotionally and has been treated by several mental health care professionals. Jan Doe's mom is suing for unspecified damages.

EEEEEEEEEEK! Welp, here's a story that should come with a fluffy kitten hugging a vodka bottle. So many questions and I don't even know what to say except that Henry Hopper kind of has rapey hair (whatever that means). You might be wondering if Jan Doe's mom ever went to the police to file charges against Henry Hopper for allegedly teen raping her daughter. TMZ doesn't know this yet. You might also be wondering why I haven't posted an adorable palate cleanser yet? Good question. Let me fix that:

Shit, that made things worse, right?

 
Here's Those Half-Nekkid iPhone Pics Of Danell Leyva You've Been Waiting For Top

If you've still got the sads from the U.S. men's gymnastics team fucking up and coming in fifth at the Olympic finals last night, then wipe your tears off with your hand and use those tears as lube, because here's some pictures of pocket hottie Danell Leyva in his chonies! SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!

A lady gave these stubbly pictures of 20-year-old U.S. gymnast Danell Leyva to Deadspin (via Queerty) yesterday afternoon, because she says he sorta played her wrong. The scorned lady and Danell actually never met in person (I think), but she says he screwed her over during a sexy pic exchange session and he's done it to other girls too. You know, they got into one of those "I'll text you my left nipple, if you text me your left nipple. I'll text you my smiling peen, if you text me your smiling snatch" things. Although, I don't know how he screwed her over, because the girl tells Deadspin that Danell gave up the goods by texting her a couple of nude pics. She's still holding on to them, but she's thinking of releasing them to Deadspin.

The lesson to be learned here is that don't mess with a lady who just sexted you a picture of her close-up bits and didn't get what she wanted in return, because she might share your crotch platano with the entire Internet. The other lesson to be learned here is that if you're going to take a picture of your baby cucumber hibernating in your chonies, make sure there's no visible piss drips on your underwear. Unless, you're sexting that picture to Kim Kartrashian, because that's definitely a selling point for her.

And duh, I'd hit it even though he sort of looks like a Cuban Wheelchair Jimmy.

 

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