The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- About That 16-Year-Old Swimming Wonder....
- The Time Shannen Doherty's Lottery Dreams Were Crushed By Her Pranking Co-Workers
- Can't She Just Get 150 OctoLoans?
- Adrienne Maloof And Paul Nassif Are Over
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 27th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Kristen Stewart And Rupert Sanders Were Doing It For Months, So Says His Wife's Brother
- Zack Morris Got Married And Not To Kelly Kapowski
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| About That 16-Year-Old Swimming Wonder.... | Top |
Because I love a good dope controversy, I'm temporarily interrupting my highly important coverage of OctoMom's financial situation to bring you this story you've probably already heard about since every Olympic-loving ho is talking about it. Monocles up, because there's possible shadiness ahead. 16-year-old Ye Shiwen of China had gossiping whores whispering over the weekend after she not only won the gold in the 400-meter individual medley and beat the world record with a time of 4:28:43, but also out-swam Ryan Lochte in the final 50-meters. Ryan won the gold in that same event and did the final 50 meters in 29.10 seconds while Ye Shiwen did it in 28.93 seconds. Because of this and because Ye Shiwen came out of nowhere to beat the U.S. 400-meter champion Elizabeth Beisel, some are screaming: SOMETHING IN THE CHLORINE WATER IS DOOOOOOOOPED! John Leonard, the executive director of the World Swimming Coaches Association, tells The Guardian that at the World Championship last year, Ye Shiwen swam the 400m 7 seconds slower than she did at the Olympics. John Leonard said with a whole of training, this is possible, but Ye Shiwen speed swimming in the last 100 meters like one of Lil' Wayne jizz fishes on meth IS completely impossible.
Ye Shiwen has never won a medal in the 400m in a major international competition before and many say she was the last swimmer they were expecting to win the gold in London. Many athletes have been pre-tested before the games, but some hos think that maybe China came up with a new performance-enhancing drug that goes undetected during testing. Okay, if China did brew up that drug, can they please give that drug to Lindsay Lohan? Because all the drugs she takes turn her into a loser and it'd be nice for her to win at something for a change. Damn. Maybe Ye Shiwen did dope her way to that win or maybe she just has it like that naturally. Nobody knows yet, but what we do know is that Ye Shiwen beating Ryan Lochte in the final 50 meters temporarily dimmed the douche sparkle on his ugly ass rhinestone American flag grill. That's the only thing that matters right now. | |
| The Time Shannen Doherty's Lottery Dreams Were Crushed By Her Pranking Co-Workers | Top |
Some whores (aka me) say that Shannen Doherty has already won the lottery a million times over by getting cast in Heathers, getting cast in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, getting cast in Charmed, getting cast in Little House on the Prairie and getting paid to spit her signature Brenda Walsh bitchiness at that bland tramp harlot whore Kelly Taylor (short version: Shannen Doherty won the lottery by being born as Shannen Doherty), but Shannen Doherty doesn't think this. On Friday's The Talk (via Contact Music), Shannen said that during her Charmed days the crew and her would buy a bunch of lottery tickets together every time the jackpot reached a fever pitch. This one time, the jackpot was at around $50 million and the crew fucked with her emotions by giving her a fake newspaper with the fake lottery numbers on 'em. I'll Shannen tell you the rest, and warning, reading the following paragraph of words might make you want to start a GoFundMe page to benefit Brenda Walsh's broke ass:
BROKE?! What about that Brenda Walsh money? Or that Jenny Wilder money? Or the full Cabbage Patch bank I sent her as a kid to thank her for making my life complete by being Brenda Walsh (I didn't do that, but I should've)? I mean, BROKE? Did the producers of Charmed make her put a dollar in the slap jar every time she put five fingers on Alyssa Milano's face, because that's the only reason I could come up with for why Shannen Doherty would ever be BROKE. But whatever, you know that saying? When one door closes repeatedly on a crew member's head for pranking the wrong bitch, another door opens in an Education Connection online classroom. | |
| Can't She Just Get 150 OctoLoans? | Top |
OctoMom got off welfare the old-fashioned way (aka shriveling retinas by sucking off a huge baby bottle during her strip show debut) and now she's trying to get money the other old-fashioned way: by begging for it. TMZ says that Octo will be kicked out of her house of baby screeches and overstuffed Pampers any day now and she needs money for a down payment on another house to raise her child army in. So Octo's holding up her empty change cup by posting a donation page on GoFundMe.com (more like GoBlowMe.com) and asking her "fans" for $150,000. As of this morning, Octo is so close to meeting her goal and by that I mean she's 1% there after two days! I know, don't everybody throw your dollars at Octo's donation page at the same time or the Internet might break from the sheer weight of money in her PayPal account. Karen the Bus Monitor, who? In all seriousness, why aren't whores dumping all of their lube fund money into Octo's online begging purse for making Tumblr a sexier place thanks to GIF after GIF of her twisting her eyes while twisting her octoclit. (Warning: Do not search for those GIFs unless you want to make your keyboard a barfier place). TMZ also says that Octo is still going to do her side jobs in case she doesn't get that $150k for free and that brings up another question. Octo has at least 150 kids and each one of those 150 kids probably has good credit and their own social security number, so why hasn't she taken a loan in all of their names? What is the point of having ten million children if you don't commit identity theft against them by taking out loans in their names?! | |
| Adrienne Maloof And Paul Nassif Are Over | Top |
Blind item solved! The almost 10-year-old marriage between The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Adrienne Maloof and her plastic surgeon husband Dr. Paul Nassif has died just like your morning appetite after seeing this picture of him shoot cream into her mouth with his skin gun. Those of you who actually watch The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills aren't exactly choking on shock over Paul filing for legal separation, because: a) Who gives a shit? b) Reality shit shows kill marriages faster than Kristen Stewart's home wrecking slow whore mouth; and c) Adrienne treats Paul like he's a piece of shit hanging at the end of her Botox needle. Although, in Adrienne's defense, if my plastic surgeon husband helped to make me look like a half-melting Ron Perlman as The Beast action figure, I too would treat him like shit. Adrienne tells Radar that she's really sad about this news she's splitting with Paul for the sake of her children, "I'm so sorry that this is happening but my children are my life and sometimes we need to do what's best for them. It's an unfortunate situation but, I have to have my kids best interest at heart." "My kids best interest at heart"? This Mufasa-faced bitch can't be serious. She needs to stop injecting her face with RestyCollaBotoxwhatever and shoot her face up with a CLUE instead. Because if she really cared about her kids' best interest, she wouldn't embarrass them by sticking tinsel extensions in her hair all the time. No grown woman should have hair like a My Little Pony's ass. Bitch thinks she's Spectra. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 27th! | Top |
Beth Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. And Ditto. - sara112x Runners-up: Ever since PETA bought controlling shares in Budweiser, those Christmas Clydesdale commercials just aren't what they used to be. - BabyDaddy The contents of Rosie O'Donnell's belly button. - Sweetas (Thanks, Canthia) | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
| People have been choking the peacock (and not in a sexy way) over NBC airing Olympic events 45 hours after that shit happened and then spoiling the results of each event before airing that event (True fact: Spoiled news is extra spoiled when delivered by Bob Costas and the newly dyed wooly mammoth pube bush on his head). But NBC gets points last night for keeping a camera on the parents of U.S. gymnast Aly Raisman as she did her uneven bar routine during the prelim competition. If you ever wanted to see what it would look like if two people with Tourette's rode on an invisible roller coaster while holding grenades between their butt cheeks, click play on the pricelessness above. Lynn and Nick Raisman are going through it like a 10-year-old circa 1992 playing Super Mario Kart. They are in it and I bet they were so clenched that their b-holes almost suffocated and fell off during that 50-something seconds. Shit is intense. I love Aly's mom for screaming "STICKIT!!!!" with feeling, I love Aly's dad's "power bottom trying to have ass sex while holding in the wettest fart" facial expressions, I love them both for getting subtle shank eyes from the people around them (the lady in the pink is my shank eye-throwing favorite) and I love Aly's mom again for ending it with a silent f-bomb. And Kristen Wiig quit SNL a season too early, because Lynn Raisman is all her. via Yahoo Sports | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Arnold Schwarzenegger (65) | |
| Kristen Stewart And Rupert Sanders Were Doing It For Months, So Says His Wife's Brother | Top |
| Above is a video of Kristen Stewart, Rupert Sanders, Charlize Theron and some other people from Ho White and The Husband having dinner together at a restaurant in Berlin a couple of months ago. KStew giving off the sexuality of a wet Styrofoam peanut and the allure of a snoring, drooling sloth was just too much for Rupert to handle and so he had to give himself a quick yank right there at the table. And whatever utensils Rupert touched after that, KStew probably licked them real quick to be closer to him. That's how hot they had it for each other. At least that's what Rupert's wife's brother is saying. In KStew's bizarre open apology, she said that her box munching date with Rupert was only a one time thing. But Liberty Ross' younger brother, Leopold Ross tells The People (via Radar) that those two have been biting each other's lips long before Rupert got caught with a mouthful of KStew snatch. Leopold feels for his sister, because she gave up her career to take care of the kids and Rupert has slapped her in the face with KStew's labia:
Yes, their family is really close and obviously mine is just as close. Because if my sister had a husband and that husband cheated on her by sucking off Kristen Stewart's tongue in a parked Mini Cooper, I would totally sell my story to a British newspaper. I didn't lace that last line with any sarcasm, so you've been warned, future brother-in-law. I don't know if I believe Leopold Ross. There was a whole lot of making out (and not much more) in those pictures. If they were wet humping on each other for months, I'd think that they'd just want to get down to business and do sex on each other real quick before rinsing the cheating skank smells off of their fuck parts with a stranger's front yard garden hose. Who makes out in a parked car besides 11th graders? Grow up, KStew and Ruprick! Below are pictures of moving trucks outside of KStew and RPattz's former love shack of sparkly love. The paps say those trucks are moving out RPattz's stuff. If this is a stunt (it probably is), then I'm disappointed at how anti-climactic this is. Moving trucks? That's it? They should've went ALL the way. RPattz should've thrown all of KStew's clothes into her Mini Cooper, torched that shit and used the scorned flames to light his cigarette. RPattz should've done it Bernadine-style. (Just picture Angela Bassett as RPattz and I know that's not hard to do since they're so much alike.) That's how it should've went down with RPattz screaming "Get yer shit!" and everything. | |
| Zack Morris Got Married And Not To Kelly Kapowski | Top |
Seven months after his ex-wife married Jeff Probst, the side ho she cheated with, Mark-Paul Gosselaar got hitched to his fiancee of one year Catriona McGinn at some winery in California. That's nice and everything, but what I really want to know is if Zack Morris' head got bigger or does his new bride have an abnormally skinny head? Or did drinking too many chocolate blueberry martinis (blergh, I know) last night give me a case of fun house hangover eyes? People says that Zack and Catriona's (Side note: I approve of any name that sounds like that of a lost She-Ra villain) pre-divorce ceremony took place at the Sunstone winery in Santa Ynez, Calif. The reception was held at The Max where Zack Attack performed Friends Forever before Jesse Spano ruined everything by smashing into the cake during a caffeine pill freakout. Zack and Catriona and are going to honeymoon in Italy and he said this about their trip: "Trust me, we are going to eat our asses off!" I take back what I said about that pre-divorce ceremony shit, because a couple that rims together, stays together forever. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Because my sense of everything didn't mature past the age of 12, I said yesterday that South Korean archer Im Dong-Hyun (that's "Im Dong" for short or "I'm Don Juan" for long) should win the gold medal for best name at the Olympics. I take that back. Im Dong-Hyun has dropped down to silver and gold goes to American Olympic volleyball player: DESTINEE HOOKER! If Quentin Tarantino directed a Bond movie, the main Bond girl's name would be Destinee Hooker. Some people have been saying that Destinee Hooker's parents did her wrong by naming her Destinee Hooker. But I'm saying the opposite. Why wouldn't you give your daughter a gold medal-winning name like Destinee Hooker? If my last name was Hooker, I'd have kids JUST so I could name them Destinee Hooker, TJ Hooker, Dai Shif Hooker, Happy Hooker, Tudolla Hooker and on and on and on... ("Oh, so this is the reason why we secretly spike all of Michael's booze with sterilization shit* and have permanently put him on the DO NOT LET THIS BITCH ADOPT ANYTHING EVEN A TAMAGOTCHI list." - the government) * exact scientific term (For Hilary) | |
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