Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Lindsay Lohan Is Acting All Demure Again Top

Not a day goes by when Lindsay Lohan's saggy tit bags aren't playing patty cake with her knees during a topless photo shoot, but while shooting a scene for that low-budget, direct-to-Xtube movie The Canyons, she played the "ohmygawd I can't possibly show the chichis everyone on this planet has seen at least a dozen times" card.

TMZ says that before filming a scene where HoHan had to pull her freckled floor dusters out, she got a sudden case of the shies and told the crew that she'd only get topless if they stripped down to their boxers. Usually when HoHan makes a bunch of dudes take their pants off, the scene ends with her distracting them by giving them lazy handjobs while White Oprah sneakily crawls into the room to snatch all of their wallets from their pant pockets. Yeah, so if you're one of those crew members, now you know where your missing wallet went.

This obviously just a planted story to make LiLo looks like the epitome of modest and the crack industry's answer to Mother Teresa. Or maybe.... this story is made of truth and she only made those dudes get down to their chonies, because she's so used to making her johns strip as soon as they walk through the motel door to make sure they're not cops. Occupational hazard!

 
But, But Who Will Get Custody Of Bear Pattinson-Stewart? Top

Forget the Battle For Suri and Losing Nahla '12, the real custody war we should all be focusing on is the one between RPattz and Kristen Stewart over their fur child Bear Pattinson-Stewart. Finally, a hobo hipster version of Kramer vs. Kramer with 100% more lip-biting, fleas (not from Bear) and vamp sparkles. Cue up the Vivaldi!

Bear was saved from flying up to heaven when RPattz and KStew adopted him from a high-kill shelter in New Orleans sometime last year. Before KStew wrecked her happy home by letting a married director wreck her bland coochie with his tongue (Why did I type that?), she and RPattz were planning to adopt another fur kid from a high-kill shelter in L.A. But Radar says those plans are off and now KStew will try to attempt the impossible by changing her one emotion from "duuuuuuuuurr" to "raaaaaaaaaaaaage" while fighting RPattz for Bear. You probably already heard what Radar's source had to say about this when CNN covered this HIGHLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY last night, but read it again. It's that important.

"After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear. She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby. But Rob was so hurt by Kristen's actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man's best friend and Bear is such a good companion. However, Kristen won't give up Bear in a hurry. She helped Rob save Bear from Parvo disease, which nearly took its life when it was a puppy. She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy."

Let's break this down for Bear Pattinson-Stewart.

Kristen Stewart getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart. I can stop there, because that is a huge con, but I'll keep going. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a mom who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pros - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart,  which means his 500 daily naps will be extra deep since he'll always be bored from looking at her boring face. And Bear will always feel clean and pristine next to KStew's dirty ass.

RPattz getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear runs the risk of Twihard saliva falling on his head when one of RPattz's crazed fans slobbers all over his owner during one of their walks. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a dad who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pro - Bear won't have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart.

Based on all of that, I say give sole custody to RPattz and let KStew have supervised visits every other week. If KStew can't make her scheduled visit (because she's too busy rubbing her box on married man tongue, obviously), then just let Bear spend some quality time with a piece of bleached chicken leather. He won't know the difference.

 
This Is The Look: Javier Bardem As An Evil Blonde Top

If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, "Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado," this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem's hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.

Below is the new trailer for The Queen's homeboy's new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier's peroxide glamour:

Daniel and Javier's scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, "Just look at you, chasing spies," I expected Bond to snap back with, "Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of." Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!

Here's Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night's NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn't have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.

 
Henry Hopper Might Be The New Roman Polanski Top

Henry Hopper, the 21-year-old son of the late Dennis Hopper, has been slapped with a lawsuit from the mother of a 16-year-old girl who claims that he drugged and repeatedly raped her daughter at his house in Venice, CA.

According to TMZ, the legal papers filed in L.A. claim that Henry met the unidentified girl, known as "Jan Doe" in the lawsuit, (Jan Doe sounds like the name of the awkward middle sister of the Doe sisters) through a mutual friend in February of last year. They regularly talked to each other on Facebook and after a few months, he started figuratively leaving a trail of booze and the bad shit from her front door to the front door of his house in Venice. Henry promised to give Jan Doe all the drugs and sweet nectar she wanted if she came over. When a then 15-year-old Jan Doe went to his house, he gave her drugs and booze, and waited until she was all kinds of messed up before he "engaged in sexually offensive conduct with her." Jan Doe alleges that Henry forced her to engage in sexual intercourse and "oral copulation and sodomy."

The lawsuit goes on to say that because Henry repeatedly preyed on Jan Doe's naive "vulnerability," she has suffered mentally and emotionally and has been treated by several mental health care professionals. Jan Doe's mom is suing for unspecified damages.

EEEEEEEEEEK! Welp, here's a story that should come with a fluffy kitten hugging a vodka bottle. So many questions and I don't even know what to say except that Henry Hopper kind of has rapey hair (whatever that means). You might be wondering if Jan Doe's mom ever went to the police to file charges against Henry Hopper for allegedly teen raping her daughter. TMZ doesn't know this yet. You might also be wondering why I haven't posted an adorable palate cleanser yet? Good question. Let me fix that:

Shit, that made things worse, right?

 
Here's Those Half-Nekkid iPhone Pics Of Danell Leyva You've Been Waiting For Top

If you've still got the sads from the U.S. men's gymnastics team fucking up and coming in fifth at the Olympic finals last night, then wipe your tears off with your hand and use those tears as lube, because here's some pictures of pocket hottie Danell Leyva in his chonies! SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!

A lady gave these stubbly pictures of 20-year-old U.S. gymnast Danell Leyva to Deadspin (via Queerty) yesterday afternoon, because she says he sorta played her wrong. The scorned lady and Danell actually never met in person (I think), but she says he screwed her over during a sexy pic exchange session and he's done it to other girls too. You know, they got into one of those "I'll text you my left nipple, if you text me your left nipple. I'll text you my smiling peen, if you text me your smiling snatch" things. Although, I don't know how he screwed her over, because the girl tells Deadspin that Danell gave up the goods by texting her a couple of nude pics. She's still holding on to them, but she's thinking of releasing them to Deadspin.

The lesson to be learned here is that don't mess with a lady who just sexted you a picture of her close-up bits and didn't get what she wanted in return, because she might share your crotch platano with the entire Internet. The other lesson to be learned here is that if you're going to take a picture of your baby cucumber hibernating in your chonies, make sure there's no visible piss drips on your underwear. Unless, you're sexting that picture to Kim Kartrashian, because that's definitely a selling point for her.

And duh, I'd hit it even though he sort of looks like a Cuban Wheelchair Jimmy.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 30th! Top

Trying to capitalize on the popularity of San Diego's Comic-Con, the El Cajon Tourism Board threw the 1st Annual Comic-Can't. - Edna -E- Mode

Runners-up:

This is what happens when u give a storm trooper bath salts. They wake up in the wrong century with a sore ass and can't remember where the umbrella came from. - MelissaMuse

Opening Ceremony at the Trailer Park Olympics. - Supertramp

All of fantasy world is going to hell because of fucking Kristen Stewart. - crankenstein

via PIU

 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top

The wondrous and thunderous thighs on German track cyclist Robert "DIE THIGHS" Förstemann!

Last week, New Zealand cyclist Greg Henderson tweeted this quad-off between German cycle racer André Greipel (the dude on the left with the ombre thighs and BULGE) and my new Olympic dreamboat Robert Förstemann (the dude on the right with the "Are you just happy to see me or is that a cluster of throbbing tumahs in your thighs?" quads and "I'll just shrivel back and let his thighs have all the glory" non-bulge).

26-year-old Robert is competing in a few cycling events at the Olympics, but he's REALLY at the Olympics to give hos a serious German thigh show when he waddles through the streets like he's smuggling six turduckens and an entire watermelon patch in his Spandex shorts. How can you not have it for a thigh-ridden piece who can only wear pants made out of Spandex, Pajama Jeans or lederhosen that cinches at the waist?

Apparently, I'm a little tardy to Robert's thigh party, because people have been screaming with their eyes at his monster quads for years. But it's never too late to pay homage the quads that look like they're pregnant with Freddy's babies. This is what it would look like if Kim Kartrashian's ass finally got smart, quit her and sought refuge on Robert's thighs. The thighs have it and then some. If you need a nut cracked this morning, just hold it up to this picture and let the nut meat fall into your palm.

And if I'm in love with Robert's quads, imagine how Ridley Scott feels. As I'm writing this, Ridley Scott is totally writing an Alien re-boot starring Robert's quads as the title role.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

B.J. Novak (33)
Rico Rodriguez (14)
Eric Lively (31)
Ben Chaplin (43)
Dean Cain (46)
J.K. Rowling (47)
Wesley Snipes (50)
Mark Cuban (54)
Michael Biehn (56)
Geraldine Chaplin (68)
Don Murray (83)

 
Night Crumbs Top

I could go on and on about how Nicole Kidman hasn't blinked since the 2000s, but instead I'm going to once again go on about how Keith Urban's Alfala part is not doing good things for him - Lainey Gossip

Please tell me Olivia Munn is using her plucked lashes to make a merkin. Lashes must not go to waste! - The Superficial 

Ricky Martin will crotch thrust on your TV sometime in the near future - Towleroad

Judging by this picture of Miley Cyrus' nipple, I'm guessing the air conditioning was mostly blowing on the left side of the room - Hollywood Tuna 

Just looking at this picture will make you test positive for cocaine - Drunken Stepfather

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly keeps it real while Elle keeps it fake by Photoshopping the hell out of her pictures - The Berry 

Knowing White Oprah, she really sent Ali Lohan to NORTH Korea and sold her off to Kim Jong-un at a discount - Celebitchy

I will never forgive Elizabeth Berkley for not naming her new kid Cristal Nomi - Just Jared

Brandi AnalGlanville needed attention the other day - ICYDK

Jessica Biel finally finds a piece with as much personality as her - Popoholic

There will be three Hobbit movies and I hope the Trollsens make a cameo in at least one - Buzz Sugar

"I know you want a grandkid, mom, but to give you one I'd have to stick my boy part in her girl part and EWW!" - I'm not Obsessed

Somewhere over the Busey - Videogum

Jason Biggs is NO Kevin Nash - OMG Blog

The reason why every MAC employee is weeping tears of mascara into their tissues today - SOW

The Swedish Shauna Sand is giving the children of St. Tropez their first dose of pure potent elegance - Hollywood Rag 

Are we sure this isn't just E.T. in drag again? - Cityrag

 
Does This Mean We Can Finally Get A New Season Of Rock Of Love Bus? Top

Bret Michaels has announced to Gossip Cop today that after almost 16 years (on and off), the mother of his two kids, Kristi Gibson, is no longer running her fingers through his luscious European weave tracks as he motoboats her extra large Tupperware titty domes. They have ceased humping. Here's the statement Bret's spokesbitch released and I am one hundred percent disappointed that he didn't start this shit with "every rose has its thorn...."

"Bret Michaels and longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson have called off their engagement at this time. Although the couple have separated, they remain great friends and are committed to jointly raising their two daughters, Raine and Jorja."

Now Bret can fill the cracks in his broken heart with whiskey-infused drool and genital wart pus from a new harem of graceful skanks on a new season of Rock of Love Bus. Or Bret can just stop fighting destiny and finally realize that he truly belongs with my favorite demure flower: DJ LADY TRIBE!

If you got an eh-legal drug for every time I used the phrase "eh-legal drugs" in casual conversation, you'd have enough eh-legal drugs to be the Lohan family's personal eh-legal drug dealer.

 

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