The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Surprise, Surprise, Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 28th!
- The Real Housewives Of New York City: Did LuMann Cheat On Her Man?
- Open Post: Hosted By The New Three Wolf Moon
- Taylor Swift Will Ruin The Environment To Become A Kennedy
- Russell Brand And Ginger Spice Are Doing It
- Kleptohan Is Blaming The Black Kid Again
- Possibly Coming Soon: The Royal Ginge Peen In Action
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Courtney Stodden (18) | |
| Surprise, Surprise, Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook | Top |
That dude is totally thinking to himself, "I know this bitch is going to blame me for something." Another Lindsay Lohan mug shot won't grace the wall of achievement in White Oprah's den, because the D.A. in Los Angeles has pushed that jewel heist case off of their desks and they won't charge her and she won't get arrested. Prosecutors tell E! News that there's just not any evidence to charge anybody with thieving and they can't charge LiLo with shit, because California just isn't equipped with enough medical professional to deal with all the shocked hos who will have a heart attack that if LiLo actually goes to jail for longer than 5 seconds. One of the prosecutors said this to E!:
Sam Magid, the "victim," first said that some thieving thief snatched $100,000 worth of watches and then he changed his mind and said that nothing was taken. I wonder why (cut to me doing the "licking the tip while giving a handy" move). TMZ says that LiLo's got Sam wrapped around her snortin' finger and he texted her with: "I officially told Detective Rodriguez you can't take anything from me cause what's mine is yours." Sam is apparently in love with that mess and he promised to fight for her. Wait, so a multi-millionaire has crack smoke hearts in his eyes for LiLo and she's trying to steal some stupid watches from his ass? This bitch is really trying to redefine the meaning of dumb. LiLo has a rich ass bitch who is obviously out of his mind in her freckled paws and she's not trying to trick him into eloping with her without a prenup? When you see a baby with candy in its hand, you're not supposed just take its candy. You're supposed to trick the baby into eloping with you without a prenup so you can get your hands on ALL of its candy. Everybody knows that! I swear, LiLo needs to have several seats and reevaluate all the shitty choices she's made as a con artist. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
The Texas T-Rex's skinniness is due to him losing a bunch of weight to play a man with HIV. The Texas T-Rex's gorgeously blown out hair is due to the stylist's fascination with Jamie from Small Wonder's hair - The Berry Today's rock bottom moment is brought to you by me staring at a picture of Cameron Diaz for a good 45 seconds to see if she's got camel toe - Lainey Gossip Since Dr. Blossom doesn't want that Vicodin prescription, can she please pass it this way? - The Superficial How to get Novak Djokovic to hug you: Be a 10-year-old boy and ask him to marry you - Towleroad Don't you hate it when you're trying to turn tricks on the stroll in Hawaii and the paps keep bothering you? Bai Ling feels your pain - Hollywood Tuna Speaking of aliens, Emma Stone looks like one in Interview - Drunken Stepfather Everyone hates Matt Lauer - Celebitchy Drew Barrymore still has a case of the BABIES! - Just Jared RPattz should turn his house into a mental home for heartbroken Twihards - ICYDK Well, I guess "that person" is a little better than "that bitch" - OMG Blog What are you staring at, Amber Heard's dog? I'm not the one with a pink bow on my head! - Popoholic "Fame! I want to live forever......or until Nigel Lythgoe decides to do a remake of Fame and then I just want to curl up into a ball and die" - SOW Bar Rafaeli is Jesus - Hollywood Rag Amanda Seyfried goes struttin' with her new dude - Popsugar Glum Cunt Mel being Glum Cunt Mel - Cityrag Dominic Purcell looks like he just got out of prison or like he's taking a break from his job as a bouncer at a gay leather club - Moe Jackson One of the reasons why we should forgive Tom Hanks for Chet Haze - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 28th! | Top |
| The Real Housewives Of New York City: Did LuMann Cheat On Her Man? | Top |
On last night's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, all of those crazed horny bitches went to St. Barts to be crazy and horny on a different kind of island. During their trip, they all went to a restaurant owned by Sonja Morgan's friend and met the owner's piece, a French dude named Tomas (the piece next to LuMann). Cuntress LuMann is supposedly all in love with her French boyfriend Davide Schwimmaire, but on last night's episode she was all over Tomas and you could barely hear what she cooed into his ear, because the sound of her tingling labia clapping in excitement was so loud. Sometime during the night, LuMann split up with the other ladies and they all went their separate ways. Sonja and the other crazies went back to the house where they were all staying at and LuMann stayed out with Tomas. The next morning, the crazies started talking about how they were woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of LuMann and another dude laughing. LuMann made up some story about how she met up with her Italian friends and brought them back to the house. But during a conversation on the phone with one of her French friends, bitch admitted that she brought back the dude who looked like Johnny Depp (aka Tomas) and lied to the other crazies about it. It pretty much looked like LuMann squirted Zestra on her parts on got her some ass. But LuMann said on Twitter last night that she's a liar, but she's not a cheater:
Ho, please. Yes, it would be dumb of LuMann to pass the poon to another right in front of the cameras, but you do desperate things when you're in heat and have a hot piece in front of you. You know she humped on that and you know she gave him a stack of hundreds as a thank you. Money can't buy you class, but money can buy you ass. Get it while you're checking account is still in the black, LuMann! via People | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The New Three Wolf Moon | Top |
BIC came out with a special pen that can only be used by those with vaginas, because it comes in girl colors, is specially designed to be held by tiny lady hands and it also doubles as a knife that woman folk can use to cut their man husband's sandwich in the kitchen. This pen is important, because women finally have an ink pen to write with instead of writing with a tube of lipstick all the time. The funny hos on Amazon.co.uk know how important this is and have been writing priceless review after priceless review. As the three wolves of the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt howl with laughter at this mess, read just a few reviews: From daveyclayton: I bought this pen (in error, evidently) to write my reports of each day's tree felling activities in my job as a lumberjack. It is no good. It slips from between my calloused, gnarly fingers like a gossamer thread gently descending to earth between two giant redwood trunks. From Drake Tungsten: I allowed my wife to write the grocery list with one of my pens. Shortly thereafter she went out and bought a bunch of flannel shirts, cut the sleeves off and grew a mullet. While she was writing her feminist manifesto, I secretly switched out the man pen with a BiC For Her. She's now back to baking apple pies, vacuuming in heels, and popping bennies in order to keep her girlish figure... like a proper American gal. Thank you BiC! From Mr.Spluffypants: I tried these on a whim, and I have to say I wasn't very impressed. The applicator mechanism is far too fiddly, and the plastic tampon inside far too thin (not to mention uncomfortable and non-absorbant) - I'm sure there must be a knack to using them, but I couldn't find it. They also stained my knickers blue for some reason. I really wanted to like these, but it's back to pads for me. From Sheila: Despite the hype, and the colour, and the talk of buttons and tips moving in and out, this was the worst dildo ever. Sheila wins, because my first thought after reading the words "BIC for her" was, "But can I put this in my butt?" | |
| Taylor Swift Will Ruin The Environment To Become A Kennedy | Top |
Taylor Swift said goodbye to her 18-year-old boyfriend Conor Kennedy over a week ago, because she needs to promote her awful song and he has to go school supplies shopping since he's still in damn high school. Taylor left Conor in Hyannis Port and she took her wedding crasher ass back to Nashville. But Taylor must've realized that if Conor's left alone, the spirit of Little Edie might smack some reality back into his ass, so she sent a private jet to pick him up and bring him back to Nashville to be with her. I would say that the Kennedys need to try to get this tramp trollop of Walnut Grove on kidnapping charges, but then I imagined all the song she'd write in prison. A source tells Page Six that Taylor is so hard up on Conor that she doesn't want to be away from him for a second and the two could elope any second now, "Taylor missed Conor so much, she sent a plane for him a few days later. He's been with her ever since, and his family doesn't know when he will be back. Things have become so serious between them so fast that no one in Hyannis Port would be surprised if they eloped. They are inseparable and are all over each other all the time. While his relatives really like Taylor, some feel their lovey-dovey behavior is cute while it has made others in the family feel a little uncomfortable." Taylor should just pull some Strangers with Candy shit and go back to high school to be with Conor. Then she can gaze at him during home room and squeal out heart-shaped farts from her mouth when she's named homecoming queen and he's named homecoming king. That's where Conor and Taylor's love belongs, behind closed high school doors. It doesn't belong in the real world with US adults (and yes, I typed that 10 minutes after searching eBay for Beverly Hills Teens on VHS). Taylor isn't dickmatized, she's Kennedymatized and that's worse. | |
| Russell Brand And Ginger Spice Are Doing It | Top |
The chlorine-covered (bro)mance between Ryan Lochte and Cullen Jones wasn't the only flower of true love that bloomed during the Olympics. Today, Geri Halliwell is receiving a special basket full of industrial-strength condoms and different kinds of topical ointments from The Department of Health, because apparently Russell Brand is spreading his dick chutney all over her ginger biscuit. The Sun says that the ex-Mr. Katy Perry was dating American piece Isabella Brewster, but he put her on the curb so he could be with Geri full-time. Russell has always had a thing for Geri and after the two met up again during the Closing Ceremonies at the Olympics, they started dating and now suddenly it's "very serious." The two have been seen on a few dates all over London, and this past weekend they took Geri's daughter Bluebell Madonna on a tour of Hampton Court Palace. A source says that after two weeks of dating, they're already in love and shit:
Russell Brand was married to Katy Perry for about as long as it took me to swallow three 100-calorie bags of cheese popcorn just now (SPOILER ALERT: 35 seconds) and he dated that Isabella girl for less than that and now he's suddenly in love with Ginger Spice? Uh huh. Blueballs Madonna has nothing to worry about. I know she's sick of getting the spooks every time she gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and runs into her half-naked "Uncle Cher" going down to the kitchen, but he'll be gone soon. Russell will dump Geri after he meets and falls in love with (insert the name of literally anything. Anything. If you typed "crocheted tampon cat toy," you're right. Russell will eventually fuck and fall in love with that). And since we're on the subject of ginges and Katy Perry, here's the two together in L'Officiel Paris (via HuffPo). | |
| Kleptohan Is Blaming The Black Kid Again | Top |
Dlisted guest blogger extraordinaire Sweetas e-mailed me last night about Kleptohan's latest act of thievery and she totally called when she said that crackburglar will cry out, "It's in the black girl's twat!" Because TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is pointing her sticky finger straight at Suge Knight's son Andrew Knight. You're probably not reading any of this, because as soon as you saw that picture of Andrew Knight, you immediately turned around to let him see that thong. LiLo has reached deep up into her ass and pulled out one of her old excuses by blaming the black kid. Andrew Knight was also at the all-night party at Sam Magid's Hollywood Hills home when $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses went missing. Sam apparently told the police that on the day of the theft, two of LiLo's friends, Andrew Knight and another dude, came up to him and handed him a bag with a few pieces of the stolen stuff wrapped in HER t-shirt. It gets better. When Sam and LiLo talked about the burglary later on, she told him that she hid some of his expensive stuff around his house, because she didn't want the thieves to steal more shit. LiLo doesn't really remember where she hid the stuff, because she was high on Ambien at the time. Sam also told the cops that her last words to him were, "I'm sorry. Please pray for me." After LiLo put the blame on Suge Knight's son, he denied it all and the cops believe him, because LiLo is still their main suspect. I don't know whether LiLo is the dumbest bitch alive or the boldest bitch alive, or a lot of both. I'm going to go with the former, because she truly is the worst jewel thief of all-time. My abuelita's half-blind fat chihuahua who has IBS would've done a better job. Ambien + a house full of cracked out bitches + $100,000 worth of jooree lying around = the easiest jewel heist ever. Bitch should've drugged everybody with the Ambien, stole all that jewelry while they were all knocked out, quickly hid the stuff where nobody will ever look (examples: White Oprah's panties or the drawer where her agent keeps her headshots and resumes) and then come back to the house to rub some random party guest's hand all over the soon-to-be crime scene before passing out with everybody else. It's not hard! Maybe the realization that she sucks at thieving will fall into her head when Suge Knight hangs her over a hotel balcony. (Pics via Pacific Coast News and Splash) | |
| Possibly Coming Soon: The Royal Ginge Peen In Action | Top |
Behind me, there's a shelf full of bottles of jalapeño lube waiting to be used, because we were all promised a gold treasure chest full of more pictures of Prince Hot Ginge proudly representing the royal family in Las Vegas and so far we've gotten absolutely nothing. So take this next story with a grain of salt and then take another grain of salt and sprinkle it on your throbbing fuck parts so they can calm the hell down until further notice. I'm sitting on an entire salt lick, which is why my neighbors keep complaining to the super about the rank stench of dehydrated snails coming from under my apartment door. Radar is hearing that some trick is thinking of selling a video they have of PHG hitting billiard balls with his crotch cue stick in his VIP suite at the Wynn that night. The seller is quietly whispering into the ears of media hos who might be interested in buying it, because they want to see how much it's worth. Radar's source said this about the supposed video:
Any trick with a video of PHG knighting the air by doing the dick slappy dance should either solve world peace by releasing it immediately (the world would put down their guns and pick up their peens) or keep it to themselves and shut up. If The Queen knows that a video (possible titles: The Prince and the HoGirls, Dirty Harry, Cockwork Orange, Gingermoon in Vegas, Harry is Here To Help You Fap, etc...) exists, she'll send MI6 to the US to handle a bitch and then the aliens will never know that true ecstasy existed on earth, because they'll never find the video after the apocalypse. And in the meantime, at least we have the Naked Salute 4 Prince Harry Facebook page. Leave it to PHG's ginger goods to unite entire nations in nekkidness. | |
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