Saturday, September 1, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Seal's Tip To Heidi Klum: Don't Fornicate With The Help Top

The rumor is that Heidi Klum's bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin's Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi's rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it's kind of hard kissing Heidi's rose when Martin's dick is shoved into it. Heidi's cooch: one day you're in, the next day you're out, because the bodyguard's up in there.

Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:

"Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there's new people in their lives. I don't expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there's going to be somebody in their lives I'd much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would've preferred is if...um... I didn't expect any better from him, I would've thought Heidi would've shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help."

Heidi wouldn't say if she's fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don't know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith's tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she's getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don't know, but I do know that Seal's next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.

Here's Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.

 
Bieber's Got A Gun Top

Justin Bieber tweeted this picture of him playing with a gun on the set of Selena Gomez's new movie and I don't know what's more disturbing: The Lesbeaver trying to look like the hardest member of a toddler lesbian gang when he really looks the opposite of bad and you just want to grab that toy gun from his tiny hands, pat him on his floppy head and tell him to go to tell his mommy to change his Pamper because it's starting to stank. Or am I more disturbed by the demons of the Illuminati showing themselves in Selena's eyes? That's the look you see on a bold and dark-sided raccoon's face when you catch it going through your trash and it don't care. I think I'm equally disturbed by both. This picture shows us that it makes the demons happy when babies play with guns.

And Bieber kept the disturbing images trend going by tweeting this picture of his new kween crown tattoo.

Well, at least he got a Photoshop artiste to erase the naked Usher standing behind him.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Pizza Hut's Squirting Crust Pizza!

Pizza Hut Malaysia has finally solved the biggest dilemma facing cum sluts today. Many a cum slut would love to bite into a juicy pizza, but it's hard for them to put their mouth around something that won't shoot a load of sticky white gooeyness into the back of their throat. But now, sluts can have the best of both worlds thanks to Pizza Hut Malaysia's new squirting crust pizza. When you bite into that long mound of dough, a glob of processed cheese and sauce made from chemically produced tomatoes will plop into your mouth. Then later when you're rinsing the nasty taste from your mouth with Listerine, you'll feel whole again.

Thank you, Pizza Hut Malaysia! Because most of us like our pizza like we like our dudes: doughy and oozing out cheese.

Source: WTAM via Fark

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Bill Kaulitz (23)
Tom Kaulitz (23)
Scott Speedman (37)
J.D. Fortune (39)
Ricardo Chavira (41)
Padma Lakshmi (42)
Gloria Estefan (55)
Dr. Phil (62)
Barry Gibb (66)
Lily Tomlin (73)

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Yes, ASkars can still bring on the panty pudding even when he looks like he's having a constipated moment on the toilet - Just Jared

JLo and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger need to get themselves some umbrella hats - Lainey Gossip

I just called to say I love you...but not in a gay way - Towleroad

If you woke up this morning and shouted, "I really want to see some girl from iCarly in a bikini," then please have a seat over there and look at these pictures while I tell Chris Hansen he can jump out of the pantry now - The Superficial 

Our Lady of Cheetos is in a bikini and showing us her exquisite taste in home decor - Hollywood Tuna 

Lady CaCa derp-ing with her titties out - Drunken Stepfather

The future Mrs. Chad Kroeger is still making clothes for angsty tweens from 2001 - The Berry 

The National Enquirer is publishing entries from Taylor Swift's Strawberry Shortcake dream diary again - Celebitchy

This will only work if Justin Bieber plays Anastasia Steele (I hate myself for knowing the character names) - ICYDK

It was nice of Amanda Seyfried to pick up whatever is left of Lindsay Lohan's dignity - Celebslam

Hilary Duff really needs one of those 80s t-shirt clips to really complete the look - Popoholic

A very subtle attack of the clones - Cityrag

Milla Jovovich is a regular Lindsay Lohan - Hollywood Rag 

Forget getting arrested for head butting your wife of a minute, nothing is worse than finding out that you're not in Madden 13 - Crunk + Disorderly 

You know Taylor Swift-Kennedy wanted to show up wearing a pillbox hat and pearls - Popsugar

Yes, you can find man nalgas in a place called Beaver Falls - (NSFWish) OMG Blog 

Sage Stallone didn't die of an overdose - I'm Not Obsessed

 
Open Post: Hosted By 2 Hamsters, 1 Wheel Top

So...this is what it's come to: a video of 2 hamsters double teaming a wheel. On that note, I'm off to get day drunk at the beach and hopefully you'll get drunk with cuteness from this video. Just try not to think of Richard Gere's b-hole having ecstasy seizures while watching this hamster porn.

via VVV

 
Kelly & Dylan: The Sitcom Top

Just like Clare Arnold's wonk eye, my soul dramatically fell to the side yesterday when a rumor went around that Kelly Taylor was rubbing her bull dozer vagina all over Dylan McKay's California Raisin face. It looks like that rumor was just a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the sitcom that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are shopping around.

Jennie's rep once again told Rumor Fix that she's not screwing on Luke and they're just working on some dumb TV show together. The rep said, "They have been spending a lot of time together recently because the two are working on developing a TV sitcom together. It will be a multi-camera half hour show, currently we have producers and writers and are meeting with networks."

Gross. The only thing worse than Jennie and Luke being an actual couple is them making a baby together in the form of a TV show that will obviously play on TVLand (aka the retirement home for 90s TV stars).  I just want to take Jennie and Luke's TV show for a walk in the park and say to it, "Why are you doing this to me?! I hate you! Never show up on my TV again!"

 
So Prince Hot Ginge Was Partying With Paid Whores Too Top

We already know that Prince Hot Ginge's naked party in his VIP suite at the Wynn in Las Vegas had appearances by his red pepper nipples, lines of coke, hos high on shrooms and weed, and now some source tells Radar that there were also pussy peddlers and drug dealers in the room. So basically, PHG's party was like every other party in Las Vegas. In Las Vegas, the only way to snort a line of the bad shit is to snort it off of a leased twat.

The source says that on the night PHG was partying hard, he got a text from his coke dealing friend who was in the suite. The coke dealer pretty much live-texted the party to the source who had this to say about that night:

"My friend won't give up any of the details about what happened in that hotel suite, including whether or not Harry was doing coke, but he was definitely there. Things got pretty crazy in Prince Harry's suite that night. Everyone was drinking and drugs were also being used by some people. One of the women partying in Harry's suite has been known to prostitute and accept money and gifts for sexual favors."

Can we just get the inevitable out the way and say that the afternoon after the party, PHG woke up in a puddle of monkey piss to find a dead hooker in the bathtub, a family of goats in the closet and a baby in his duffel bag. We've pretty much seen this movie!

And I CAN'T with that hooker. In front of her was a drunk Prince Hot Ginge, a whole lot of drugs and his handlers were too busy getting lap dances from one cent skanks to do the job they were paid to do. Why didn't that pussy peddler drug PHG, sneak him out of the hotel and drag him to the nearest chapel to marry his ass and become an instant princess?! Shaking my head at that hooker. It's truly a sad day when a whore drops the ball.

 
Randy Jackson Gets Demoted From Judge To Mentor Top

As expected, American Idol has taken the dawg out back and he won't be at the judge's table to hold down Mimi when she tries to butterfly punch Nicki Minaj's wig off. TMZ is hearing that Randy Jackson's judge's chair has been pulled out from under his ass and the producers are giving him the mentor role instead. The producers don't really want to give Randy the mentor role, but they're afraid that the world will stop spinning if he doesn't have someone to say "yo dawg, yo dawn, yo dawg, I wasn't feeling it, yo dawg, yo dawg" to all the time.

The producers are looking to get the ass cheeks of a country star, like Keith Urban, in the third judge's chair and they also want to cast a fourth judge. Kanye West was talking to the producers at one point about having a seat at the judge's table, but that's not going to happen. So sadly, Ryan Gaycrest won't get a natural tan when Mimi and Kanye's egos rub together and sparks a wall of flames that shoots toward the stage.

TMZ's source says that the producers aren't sure who should get the fourth seat, but I have two suggestions. Since they're just throwing piles of money at Mimi and Nicki, they should save a few coins by casting a plastic Randy Jackson bobble head doll that says "YO DAWG!" on a loop or they should try to get the empty RNC chair. If that empty chair can handle getting yelled at by Dirty Harry, it can totally handle those tone-deaf singing kids.

 
Tori Spelling Popped Out Another One Top

Tori Spelling and her possum-eyed husband Dean McDERPott have a 5-year-old named Liam, a 4-year-old named Stella, a 10-month-old named Hattie and now they have a 15-hour-old named Finn Davey. So as you sip your morning cup of java-flavored liquid meth, take comfort in knowing that at any given time, Tori's either got a baby falling out of her cooch or Dean's peen falling into her cooch.

Last night, Tori posted a picture on her website of a newborn's hand holding on to her finger (the baby diarrhea nail polish was a nice touch) and added the note:

Please join us in welcoming Finn Davey McDermott
08/30/12
5:39 PM
6 pounds, 6 ounces – 20 inches long

Yeah, Liam, Stella, Hattie and Finn Davey. That reads like the character list of a lost Tennessee Williams play or like the fake names of the servers at a Mark Twain-themed restaurant.

Tori's uterus is probably letting out a long sigh of relief because it's finally getting a moment to itself, but it shouldn't get used to being alone. Because as soon as Dean's peen looks at her for longer than ten seconds, she'll be knocked up again. Those Mon Calamaris are fertile bitches.

 

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