The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
| Alfie, You Are NOT The Father!!!!!!! | Top |
| Little Alfie Patten , the 12-year-old with a face like a fetus , made all the headlines over the UK after it was reported that his infant sperm made a baby! 15-year-old Chantelle Stedman told Alfie that she was knocked up with their baby after he drove his car into her garage for the first time. Chantelle said she was a virgin. Chantelle was lying. Chantelle was serving that vagina all around town like she was a Hilton. Chantelle is a slut. A slut with a baby. A 15-year-old slut with a baby. This is the part where we silently weep in the corner. When the story hit, a mob of boys came forward saying they too tapped that shit without a condom. This made Alfie's daddy demand a DNA test. This also made Jesus cry a river which temporarily flooded Britain. Luckily, Alfie managed to get in a paddle boat and he made his way to the DNA testing center. He was tested and there wasn't a match. Alfie is NOT the father. And if you didn't read that in a Maury Povich voice, then you need to watch more TV. The rumor is that when Chantelle's daddy found out she was knocked up. He decided that they should say Alfie is the father, because the boy looks like he's a toddler who doesn't even have fur on his privates yet. Chantelle's daddy knew this would cause a media shit storm and they would be able to cash in. Um. We're going to need a second DNA test on Chantelle's daddy, because I'm 99.99999% sure that he's related to Papa Joe Simpson . The Mirror says Alfie is devastated about the news. Aw, the poor lil' baby waby waby. I hope his parents stick a warm bottle in his mouth, hand him a teddy bear and softly tell him that one day the stork will bring him a baby friend of his very own. After that, they should stick a cork in his peen hole so this never happens again! And the line for DNA testing to determine Chantelle's real baby daddy starts at noon. Bring a sleeping bag and a granola bar. | |
| Shawn Johnson Has A Stalker | Top |
| For every semi-famous ho out there, there's a lunatic with Spam for brains who will spend their days and nights stalking them! Shawn Johnson , Olympian and the cute little mouse on Dancing with the Has-Beens , came dangerously fucking close to meeting her stalker on Tuesday. TMZ says the po po arrested 34-year-old Robert O'Ryan on the set of DWTS after he was caught sneaking in. They wouldn't say how he got onto the set, but I think he crawled into The Woz's lunch box. That's kind of easy to do since it's the size of a refrigerator. When the cops searched the crazy's car, they found two loaded guns and duct tape. They also found maps to her house, freaky love letters and press clippings on Shawn. They didn't find mop fibers, though. Hmmm. No, CHERYL BURKE would never....Would she? Stick her in a janitor's closet just in case! Robert is your typical fucked up stalker, because he told police he drove from Florida to be with Shawn. Shawn speaks to him through the television and the two are meant to get married and have children together. Somebody put a fucking hat made of foil on Robert's head, so he can't hear Shawn " talking " to him anymore. Robert is currently marinating his crazy in a jail cell on $35,000 bail. Shawn's mother immediately filed for a restraining order again Robert. Shawn also got herself a big ass security guard who is following her all around town. | |
| Tickets To The Gun Show | Top |
| Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe is now packing heat to protect her ass from the rabid animal that mauled her ass. RiRi is rich, so when she decides that she wants to get some fugliness tattooed on her body by her favorite artist, she just puts his ass on a jet plane and flies him out. RiRi summoned tattoo artist Bang Bang from NYC to L.A. to put a gun on her body. At first, Bang Bang drew two guns on her shoulders. Thankfully, RiRi used her brain and cut the idea, because she knew her pimps at Cover Girl would not approve. I guess they aren't putting out a concealer stick to hide ridiculousness anytime soon. Although, they could easily use the slogan: " Cheesy, Sleazy, Fugliful...Cover Dumb Fuck. " RiRi decided to get it on her ribcage instead. And that's where it finally landed. In about 20 years, when her skin starts to creep towards the ground, that " *hardcore*badass* " gun is going to look like a wet turd stain. Actually, it kind of looks like that now. | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment