Thursday, April 2, 2009

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Morning Wood Top
This proves that vampires don't shrivel up in salt water or the sun - Socialite Life The "Over the Moon " Watch: Constance Marie edition - People MiserAlba is racist against white foods! - Celebitchy It sounds like Robbie Williams gave his girlfriend some kind of rare jungle STD - I'm Not Obsessed K-Fat ate the kids - Pink is the New Blog If Glenn Close ever got into a room with Carrot Top who would make it out in one piece? - HuffPo And when I " think " about Lady CaCa , I can give myself the shits - Holy Moly! Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner just need to kiss and make out.... on a webcam so we can all see - ICYDK
 
Why Won't People Let White Oprah Party With Her 15-Year-Old? Top
White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance. According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop ), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, "Do you know who I am?" And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!" The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again! And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club. Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.
 
Mah Pappy Is Holdin' Me Prisonah! Top
All the coockoorochas (as my mom calls them) from Brit Brit's past life were back in court yesterday to deal with the restraining order against Sam Lutfi. They all had to get on the stand and say a bunch of words to convince the judge to either cancel or extend the order. During the hearing, Sam's lawyer John Anderson , told the court that the Cheetoling feels like she's in prison and that Daddy Spears is giving her emotional distress. If that's fucking prison, then handcuff me to Daddy Spears, search my cavity (you might find that sock you lost in the wash last week) and lead me to the land where a pot of Velveeta grits is cooking on the 24! You can't get that kind of deliciousness in real prison. And if you did, a bitch cut your face with a shank for it. Brit Brit needs to turn off My Big Redneck Wedding and watch more Bad Girls. Then she'll be schooled on what real prison is like! In a super surprising move (slap me with your eye roll), Brit's lawyer testified that her client didn't want to be anywhere near Sam Lutfi and his caca-eating face. When Brit tried to get away from him, Sam threatened that he'd release some scandalous shit about her daddy. I'm guessing the "scandalous shit" involves Daddy Spears' peen in a bowl of grits while wearing Brit's " Hit Me Baby One More Time" outfit. That's not so shocking. Not when it's done by a Spears anyway. Brit's lawyer went on to tell the court that a voicemail going around isn't Brit Brit, but she believes that it's really the voice of Angelica Pickles from Rugrats . That bitch was always jealous of Brit. No, Brit's lawyer said she thinks the voicemail is a falsity and isn't her client's voice. The court will hear closing argument in the neverending restraining order dramaaaaa on April 21st. The STAY THE FUCK AWAY order against Sam has been extended until then. And in sad sad sad sad sad news, Dollhouse Dude did not attend yesterday's hearing. I should take that as a sign. I mean, when Dollhouse Dude stops giving a dick about this shit..... Source: USWeekly
 
The Photoshop Awards: ScarJo's Moet & Chandon Ads Top
If you haven't had a few sips of your morning boiled meth tea then you might think these are pictures of Amanda LePore's doll . Amanda's dolly would look more lifelike than this fakery right here. This is ScarJo in some new ads for Moet & Chandon . When a champagne bottle has more life in it than the bitch it's posing with, then maybe it's time to take your mouse to " Quit Photoshop ," walk away from the computer and go look at actual living things on the street. Your perspective have been fucked with. This bitch has candle face! Not only does she have the personality of an unlit candle, but now she looks like one! If only they could invent some kind of Photoshop tool they could use in movies to give the illusion that ScarJo is actually a good actress. Photoshop her fucking acting! Then the bitch would be complete.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 1st! Top
Poor Tara Reid. A couple more plastic surgeries and her tit can now blink - Stoney Runners-up: Oh no, not another Verne Troyer sex tape - jazzfish_77 I guess Tinky Winky wasn't gay after all! - Helen Skor Funny till someone drops a deuce in your belly button - fleawatch VIA Gizmodo ( Thanks Kary )
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
Jenette Goldstein - Private Vasquez, the bad ass Latina butchie bitch, from Aliens . Yes, this ho played a Latina dyke even though she's Jewish! For Julie
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Christopher Meloni (48) Ashley Peldon (25) Yung Joc (25) DeeDee Magno (34) Roselyn Sanchez (36) Rodney King (44) Keren Woodward (48) Emmylou Harris (62) Linda Hunt (64) Reggie Smith (64)
 
You've Heard This Before...... Top
Water is wet, Katherine Hagel is a cunt, Tommy Girl likes a spoonful of hot man chowder on his forehead every morning and Shanna Mocos an d Travis Barker have broken up. Mark April 1, 2009 as the day the love died for the ten trillionth time. Their talking whores confirmed the queef-inducing news to UsWeekly . Shanna and Travis got married in 2004. Most of you stopped fucking caring about them in 2005. Shanna filed for divorce in 2006. They tried to make it work in 2007. Their divorce became official in 2008. They got back together again in 2009. And now we're here. A source said they broke up last night in true trailer trash fashion. They had some stupid fight about Gerard Butler and the cops had to be called. Travis accused Shanna of fucking on manwhore Gerard while he was in the hospital after the jet crash. Last night, Shanna claims her Twitter was hacked into and the evil doer posted something about her sucking Gerry's peen while Travis was recovering. Just for the record, it's not cheating if it's with Gerry Butler. It's your duty as a human with genitals. Shanna denies she ever cheated on Travis. Shanna's spokeswhore also said something that almost made me swallow my tongue, "Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press." No, she won't do that, but she will handle it like a mature adult by passing notes to Travis during detention through Twitter. That's how they're handling it tonight . Travis and Shanna have been posting quotes they probably got out of a fortune cookie. Example : "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Yeah, deep dish shit. Shanna's next post is totally going to be, " Confucious says 'Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. '"
 
The Drunky Has Landed Top
Citizens of New York! Quit reading this shit and quickly run out to your local liquor store! Buy every bottle you can get your hands on and then rush home like you've got the runs in a bad way, because Kate Moss is amongst us! Kate will drink this city dry of our sweetest nectar! She will seek it out and won't stop until every last drop has entered her mouth! If you're into the bad shit, you better hide that too, because she'll sniff it out. Before you lock yourself in your apartment, line your front door with toothpaste. Kate doesn't go near the stuff. Don't be scared. We will get through this! Here's Boozerfield in Manhattan today for the opening of the first Top Shop in the US. She may look all smiley and sober now, but it won't be long before she'll turn into a snarly booze-hungry monster!
 

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