Sunday, April 5, 2009

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Meredith Lopez: Life Beyond Poop Top
People without children do not realize just how much you end up talking about poop when you have a baby. It's a lot . When the Juban Princeling and I were still in the hospital after he was born, I was given a little chart to keep track of everything that went into or came out of him. In his first 24 hours of life he was expected to do a poop. He did four . I mention that accomplishment proudly, as if quadrupling the number of expected poops confirms that my dream of him one day becoming the first Juban president of the United States will come true. In the following months, when the Princeling's hair still had that new-baby smell, his father and I talked about his poops almost constantly. As new parents you just sort of have to. It's one of few ways to know what's going on inside his little body. Six months later we still talk about his poops a lot, but we sort of figure we're the only people on the planet who are that obsessed with what comes out of his toushie. Maybe his grandmothers care. Last weekend we learned, however, that poop is not only a topic of conversation among new parents, it's pretty much the only topic for any new parents. My mother was in town for a visit, and one of the days she was here we all piled into a rented car and drove five hours to visit my cousin Rudy, his wife Mrs. Rudy, and their three month old baby boy, Rudy, Jr., in Virginia. We thought it would be cute for the second-cousins, Princeling and Junior, to do whatever it is babies that age do amongst themselves. Unfortunately, the two babies were on completely opposing nap schedules, and so at best they spent five minute intervals offering their slobbery hands to one another before one would get cranky and had to be tagged out by the other for a trip to Napland, U.S.A. Meanwhile, this was the first time Husband and I got to spend hours and hours with another set of new parents. I've known Rudy my whole life, and though he grew up in Chicago while I grew up in Miami, we have many, many fond memories together. He's sort of like the older brother I always wanted. And Mrs. Rudy is simply one of my favorite people on earth. She's an engineer for FEMA, and an Excel goddess. During our visit she showed us the spreadsheet she had made for Junior's eating and sleeping habits, including formulas to automatically calculate how much of each he was doing per day. I nearly wept with appreciation and love. I tried to keep a sleep log for the Princeling once, but got so frustrated by every little time I had to go in and re-soothe or re-paci him that I gave up after four days. And here was Mrs. Rudy with her Excel Baby Chart of Awesome Awesomeness. God bless you, Mrs. Rudy. And still. Of the 13 waking hours we spent with my cousin and his wife, approximately 12 ½ of those were spent talking about our children's poop. How often they poop. Whether pooping causes them to cry. How messy the poop is. What color and texture it generally is and times when the color and texture were not the norm. (The other half hour we talked about "Lost." We all agreed that new parenthood is a lot like having to push a button every 108 minutes or else the whole world will explode .) And of course, we swapped poop stories. New parents have the best poop stories. I did my impression of the time I held the Princeling in a standing position on my lap and "danced" with him, when he suddenly squished up his face, let out a tiny grunt, and half-squatted right there on my lap. Yup, he had just pooped before my very eyes. Rudy and Mrs. Rudy, in exchange, shared with us a story, the details of which I will spare you, but which began with what has to be one of my favorite lines of all time: "And then the second time he pooped on the wall..." We commiserated over those times when we think our babies are done pooping, only to take the dirty diaper off and find them still...going. Nothing says parental love like saying to your child, "Ok, then. Let me know when you're done," to which mine usually responds by laughing and sucking his own toes. While he finishes. Between the four of us, we possess an impressive collection of university degrees, professions, and skill sets. Yet we could not get away from the topic of poop all weekend long. And through it all, my mother sat on my cousin's big blue couch, sipped wine, and cackled with laughter at the rookie parents. Well, maybe she didn't quite cackle so much as kept to herself with the beatific smile of one who has raised two children of her own to semi-functional adulthood and knows, even if we in the moment do not, that there is Life Beyond Poop.
 
Bettina Duval: Secretary?!! Top
A few days ago my daughter phoned from college with the news that she had been asked to run for the Executive Branch of student government at college. This comes as no surprise since this year Elizabeth was elected to serve on her student Senate. Bubbling with excitement, Elizabeth relayed, "John is running for President, Fentriss for Vice-President, James for Treasurer...and they want me to join their slate and run for Secretary." "Secretary?!" I queried. "Yes, and the election is next week. We had a meeting to write our party platform and target our voter base. Each of us has an assignment. I am going to make the flyers!" As she chattered on and on, the inevitable chorus of thoughts began to resonate in my mind, "Secretary? Why not President? Or even Vice-President?" Having been surrounded by the inner workings of the body politic has clearly imprinted the importance of electing women on Elizabeth. In fact, my daughter has been well trained to run for office and she has the courage to take a risk. Most important, she is confident in her abilities. She is a young woman who isn't fettered by the old feminist lore of how, but instead thinks how high. For the past seven years I have dedicated all of my energies to develop an organization to support women who are running for office in California. My idea of a vacation with my girlfriends includes traveling to Washington, D.C. to march for choice. I just can't help but wonder why she did not comprehend the stereotype in what her team proposed for her -- the common assumption that the woman's role should be the "Secretary." After hanging up the phone, I contemplated a common reflection for 21st century women, "What advancements have we made as women and how will the next generation of leaders, like my daughter, make the women's movement their own?" Long ago, I remember chaperoning a field trip to the Skirball Center in Los Angeles. During the tour, I remember another mother saying that she would not tell her daughter that she can have it all because you can't. Did she feel encouraging her to reach for the top was an exercise in folly? How can women hope to break sexist barriers if they don't dare to risk it all? Now I question, "Does Elizabeth want it all?" I don't know the answer what all is anymore. I do know that Elizabeth does not care what office she is running for. She just wants to opportunity to serve. For her the thrill simply comes from an invitation by the Junior class boys to join the slate. She is already immersed in developing their website and how to get out the vote. At times, the next generation of women leaders appears to be oblivious to the barriers that my generation experienced. Or, if they are aware of them, they no longer hold the same importance for them. They will work within the parameters that are set. We fought to not be pigeon-holed as the Secretary, but to win the right to be the President. We consciously knew that we had to work twice as hard, be three times as efficient and strive for the opportunity to succeed. For now, Elizabeth is content to stay busy with her campaign. As I write this, she is probably outside of the dining commons asking for votes. She has the courage. She has the training. Elizabeth can do anything she puts her mind to and I'm sure she will make a wonderful secretary. But next year, I'm sure she'll make a great President. More on Vice President
 
Schumer Plans Bill On Resale Of Concert, Sports Tickets Top
New York Sen. Charles Schumer on Sunday unveiled a plan to introduce legislation banning the resale of concert and sports tickets until two days after they first go on sale to the public, the latest example of ongoing wrangling between the politician and Ticketmaster Entertainment Inc. The waiting-period legislation is partly a response to complaints from Bruce Springsteen fans who in February tried to buy concert tickets on Ticketmaster's main Web site but were instead redirected to TicketsNow.com, a site owned by Ticketmaster where brokers resell tickets, often for many times face value. Fans were particularly outraged that Ticketmaster's computers steered them to the higher-priced aftermarket, even before the concerts were fully sold out.
 
Regulators To Hold Meeting On Bank Stress Test This Week Top
Top federal bank regulators plan to meet early this week to discuss how to analyze the results of stress tests being conducted on the country's 19 largest banks, people familiar with the matter said. Regulators announced the tests two months ago as part of an effort to determine how much assistance big banks might need in order to continue lending if the economic downturn worsens. The government is wrestling with how to bolster the lenders without appearing to prop up banks that are beyond repair.
 
Johnathan Wilber: Gay Iowans: We Never Were Ironic Top
It's certainly a funny day to be a gay Iowan. When you leave the Midwest, you'd better be prepared to renounce your allegiance to your home state, especially when you become a New Yorker, as I did about four years ago. City folk like to imagine Iowans all live on farms; that we subsist on pork, corn, and soybeans; that our "cities" deserve quotation marks; that we have no bookstores, vegetarians, or food coops to speak of. The first question a New Yorker may ask an Iowan transplant: Are you from Des Moines? Many New Yorkers think Iowans are fun: "That's why you have that sweet, innocent look about you," they say, leaving you to wonder whether you've just been paid a compliment. It's no secret that I left Iowa not just because I like the big city, but also because there wasn't much of a community of gay folks in Iowa. But while I grew up feeling quite lonely and quite special , I was certainly never ostracized for my orientation. My coevals casually threw around "that's so gay," but as annoying and juvenile as that was, it was never directed at me. That may just be the gift of the era I came out in: a time when Will and Grace was one of the most popular primetime shows and pilots such as Queer as Folk and The L Word started carving out an (admittedly facile) gay culture for those of us who couldn't access a thriving one. But I'm also inclined to believe -- at least today -- that Iowa is a lot more sophisticated than we "hoity-toity" city slickers are ready to give it credit for. Iowans, it turns out, have a strong moral fiber and, apparently, enough balls to be the tide turner. Just because they're not donating money to the Human Rights Campaign or picketing the Latter-Day Saints or even hosting large gay pride parades (of course, there are Iowans who do all these things), that doesn't mean, by any means, that they don't have an opinion about the matter or that they don't have a loved one who's gay or lesbian. Indeed, if today showed anything, it was that New Yorkers and Californians value political progressiveness, and Iowans value family even more. What does all this mean for the country? Former senior adviser to Bill Clinton on gay rights Richard Socarides said, "Unlike states on the coasts, there's nothing more American than Iowa. As they say during the presidential caucuses, 'As Iowa goes, so goes the nation.'" I think it's asinine to claim that Iowa is any more American than New York or California, where gay marriage initiatives haves suffered serious setbacks, but there's indeed something to be said to all those metropolitan gays, lesbians, and allies who are looking at Iowa in surprise today, who have scoffed at and condescended to the Midwest. For gay-rights activists and gay allies, I think this means we start reassessing who our allies are and we start taking them seriously, and perhaps New Yorkers and Californians can take cues from Iowans and make a case for what's right, fair, and Constitutionally imperative. More on New York
 
Margaret Ruth: Good Dating: "How Can I Trust Myself After Dating a Secret Porn Addict for Years?" Top
Margaret Ruth answers this question for a reader. Question: I dated a guy for three years when I found out that he was a porn addicted transvestite. As you could imagine...my trust issues; not to mention my self esteem, had been tossed in the trash! I am actually wondering if/when I will be able to actually "see" the guys I'm interested in for who they are? Many people ask themselves after a break-up why they were so deluded to get involved with someone who eventually turned out to be carrying many secrets or really unhealthy. Along with that comes the ubiquitous Self-Critic that is getting her chance to really rag on you and she typically goes for it! That inner critic is calling you names like: Stupid, Dumb, Idiot. Boy - that is fun. So the first step is to have a few (or many) conversations with your inner nag. From my perspective, a metaphysical one, no relationship is a waste. Many times, people are drawn to each other for what you could term "bigger reasons" in terms of their larger life path. In the beginning of these types of connections there is a pull and an attraction that is irresistible, and the two people start a relationship. Later, when things fall apart, we forget that we did have a reason for getting involved in the first place. Thus the self criticism. And the reasons people are attracted to each other are varied. Relationships are mirrors that help us learn more about ourselves. Discovering what you learned about yourself is the fastest way to get the critic to stop her harangue. Ask yourself whether you were emotionally healthy -- meaning fairly free of fears, doubts and insecurities -- when you got involved. (Answer = No). Instead of your critical voice calling you Dumb , if it has to pick at you (and it does), have it remind you that you won't have perfectly happy, fulfilling, emotionally healthy relationships until you are there yourself -- until you are a happy, fulfilled, healthy woman. There is absolutely no way around the law that it takes two healthy, joyful, whole people to make one healthy, joyful, whole relationship. There are no exceptions. The interesting thing about this case is that you DID have internal warnings along the way that you chose to ignore. In our culture, we are taught to care much more about what other people think and feel than our own thoughts and feelings. Not that you don't care about your own, it is just that you, too -- like many of us -- have gotten good at stuffing your own instincts, intuition and inner wisdom, in the name of, oh, a bunch of other things: logic, reason, what others say, fear, cultural norms, and so on. The best way to have great antennae for others is to develop great antennae for the inner you -- all of it. This may seem counter-logical, but it is how it gets done. The more tuned-in you are to you, and the more centered, calm, and in-harmony with yourself you become, the easier it is to pick up on others who carry around mixed signals and inner conflicts. As you know, if you are healthy, happy and whole, then you will quickly pick up on others that are carrying that energy or vibrations that are off from that vibe. That is your goal. Then you can be confident when meeting people. Does this make sense? MR UPDATE -- her response to the blog: Thank you so much for answering my question! You hit it right on the head; you were right about everything! But you already knew that! LOL! I definitely have learned a lot from that relationship. I really hope it does help someone else out there; thank you for blogging about it! Contact Margaret Ruth anytime at mr@margaretruth.com, www.margaretruth.com, go to www.margaretruth.com or visit her Facebook page with your ideas and suggestions. More on Relationships
 
Pakistan Hit With Three Suicide Attacks In 24 Hours Top
A suicide bomber blew himself up at the entrance to a crowded Shiite mosque just south of the capital on Sunday, killing at least 26 people. It was the third suicide attack in Pakistan in 24 hours, in a sign that the Pakistani Taliban are overwhelming the nation's security forces. The assault south of the capital, Islamabad, appeared to be carefully crafted. It took place in Chakwal, a town that historically has had strong ties to the Pakistani Army, and in a Shiite mosque, which have come under increasing attack by the Pakistani Taliban. More on Pakistan
 
Monroe Anderson: Much Ado About Hugging Top
Michelle Obama is a hugger. I know this personally because, the last time I saw Michelle, she gave me a hug. So Thursday's international incidence with some of the British tabloids tsk-tsking her because she, gasp, may have hugged the Queen, doesn't come as much of a big whoop to me. I think I'll explain my hug first. Last year, I was on the Obama press bus in New Hampshire during the Democratic primary. We had stopped at Jack's Coffee Shop in New London, one of those quaint, picturesque New England towns so that Barack could do a photo op. The joint was too small for all 40 or 50 of us in Obama's traveling media entourage. As usual, the campaign staff established the pecking order. TV and still cameras up front, radio and TV reporters next. I took up the rear with all the other print reporters. I was freelancing for the Afro American News , one of the nation's oldest black newspapers. I was way, way in the back there. In fact, I was so far back that all I could really see was the backs of the other journalists' heads. I definitely couldn't see what would be going on when the candidate got off his lead bus in our three bus convoy to press the flesh with locals. I was so far back I was closer to the back door of the shop next door to Jack's, Vessels & Jewels, a quaint little gift shop brimming with arts and crafts, then I was to the inside of the coffee shop. I ended up wandering into the gift shop, knowing I wouldn't be getting much of an opportunity to photograph Barack with my digital camera from where I stood. I hadn't been in Vessels & Jewels long enough to complete my speed-window shopping before the front-runner walked in. He'd made an unscheduled detour to the gift shop so that he could buy Malia and Sasha a little shiny something. While the press corps were gently pushing and shoving each other for position as they waited for him next door, except for the shop clerks and a couple of Secret Service agents, I had the candidate all to myself. Obama asked me how I was doing and gave me a cordial handshake then went on to find a couple of jeweled bracelets for his daughters and a jeweled key ring for his wife. I clicked away with my small digital camera. By that time, a few of the TV and print photogs had spotted him and joined me on the shoot. Obama paid the $36 tab with a debit card, and then headed over to Jack's. I was standing outside when I saw Michelle and her Secret Service agents coming my way. "How're you doing," she said. "Good," I said as she gave me the same kind of hug the Queen would get more than a year later. I knew Michelle before I knew Barack. Back in 1993, when she was the Executive Director of Public Allies, and I was the host of Common Ground , a public affairs TV talk show, I'd agreed to address her group of young people who had been identified and were being developed as the next generation of leadership in Chicago. Back then, Michelle had greeted me warmly, but there was no hug. Instead, after I'd finished speaking, she gave me a black Public Allies sweat shirt that still hangs in my closet. She was then, and still is now, a down-to-earth, warm and friendly South Side Chicago woman who is the FLOTUS. Now, to the Queen's hug. You would not necessarily know from reading the British press that Michelle was just as big a deal as the Queen. The Daily Mail , for one, called the hug "an electrifying moment of palpable majesté: A breach of centuries-long protocol ..." Other British reports followed suit, noting that protocol "has been set in stone for generations. 'Whatever you do,' courtiers are apt to warn, 'don't touch the queen.'" The notion of the POTUS or the FLOTUS not touching the Queen is as quaint as the scenic little towns in New England. It's so... so last millennium. You know, back in the day when Great Britain had an empire and we were a colony trying to do our own thing or when our soldiers had to keep the German troopers from goose-stepping into 10 Downing Street and the Buckingham Palace. Today, the Kingdom is not all that United and Britain is not all that Great. It's a used-to-be empire that -- save for the expense of it all -- is a nice place to visit to see the historic sites. But, in my proud-American-frame-of-mind, maybe there should be some etiquette rule that warns, "do not touch the FLOTUS." But that's not Michelle's style or the American way. Even on the TV show, Entourage , Ari Gold, the super-jerk of an agent, likes to hug it out. Cyber Columnist Monroe Anderson is an award-winning journalist who penned op-ed columns for both the Chicago Tribune and the Chicago Sun-Times. You can read his blog at http:// www.monroeanderson.typepad.com / More on Barack Obama
 
Obama Arrives In Turkey For Two-Day Visit Top
President Obama touched down in this Turkish capital Sunday night for a two-day visit at the tail end of a maiden overseas trip that has stretched from London to the western fringes of Asia. Air Force One landed in darkness at Ankara's airport just after 9 p.m. local time amid widespread Turkish hopes for improved relations with the United States, a powerful show of police force and plans for demonstrations against U.S. policies. More on Barack Obama
 
Barry Michael Cooper: Terrorists Without a Cause Top
Sandwiched between the 1999 Columbine massacre and 9/11/2001, America was getting its first taste of stateside terrorism. Though the frightening violence seems to have resurfaced with the Virgina Tech slaughter two years ago, the carnage at a retirement home in North Carolina last week, the mass murders at an immigrant-outreach program for new American citizens in Binghamton, N.Y. and the assassination of three brave police officers in Pittsburgh responding to a domestic dispute in the last two days, the horrific attacks reached epidemic proportions a decade ago. Middle schools and high schools became the battleground for a dysfunctional revolution, launched by a cadre of teenage guerrillas-in-the-midst of psychopathic implosion. I wrote this essay in 2001, after a bloodbath at Santana High School in Santee, Ca. Fifteen-year-old Charles Andrew Williams shot 15 people. Two of them died. He is now serving a sentence of 50 years-to-life. This is his story. "...Nothing will drive us away/ we can be heroes/ just for one day..." -David Bowie, Heroes March 9, 2001 Your name is Charles Andrew Williams. You are fifteen. Correction. You were fifteen. On March 5, at 9:25 a.m., you became timeless . Immortalized. Infamous. When you went on a shooting rampage which killed two people and injured 13, you lost your age. You lost your name. And you lost your identity. Now you're reduced to a human jigsaw. Your life story has been scattered about and snapped into place by the media. And the pieces still don't fit. "He's always picked on, he's scrawny, he's little. People think he's dumb." -Neil O'Grady, 15 -- friend and classmate of Charles Andrew Williams You're in a daze as you sit in the back of the patrol car. The cuffs are so tight they leave their pinched imprint on the insides of your wrists. A circular tattoo. The seats in the back of the patrol car are hard and plastic: the more you shift to get comfortable, the tighter the handcuffs constrict. The muscle cramps in both thighs become more intense. "The whole weekend he was talking about it, and me and my friends were like, 'You're not serious, are you?' And he says, 'I'm just joking.' And then he asked us if we want to do it with him. And we were all, 'You're just joking.' He was like, 'I am. I'm just messing around.'" -Josh Stevens, 15 -- classmate and friend of Charles Andrew Williams. The media swarms around the patrol car and the flashes from all the unblinking eyes of the DVC-Pro minicams explode in slow-mo like silent bombs. A mask of shock and malaise is painted on your face. One of your classmates, John Schardt, takes pictures with his camcorder as you came out of the bathroom. He told reporters and anybody who would listen that you were smiling as you emptied the chambers. But you're not smiling now. "Andy is real nice. He was a sweetheart...I thought he was popular...he's very popular. I hung out with him and we talked about normal kid stuff. He wore the same goofy yellow shirt every day. He was just over at my house Saturday night." -Thirteen-year-old girl who asked to remain anonymous, who dated Charles Andrew Williams last year. Before you were timeless , you were fifteen, and when you were still fifteen, you had mad issues. You used to live in Brunswick, a small Frederick County town in western Maryland. Your moms -- Linda Wells -- and pops -- Charles Jeffrey Williams, divorced. You had friends in Brunswick. You miss your homies. You miss your moms. You haven't been around her in ten years. Linda moved with your older brother Michael, to North Augusta, South Carolina. Your moms fawned over Mike. She placed an ad in the North Augusta High School yearbook that read, "Mike, thanks for being a great son. I am and always will be proud of you." Your moms never talked about you. A neighbor of Linda's in North Augusta, Sandy Ferarra, told the Los Angeles Times , "I never knew she had a son, I had never seen the boy." Charles took you with him to Santee, Ca. It's a northeastern suburb of San Diego. When a reporter told your moms what you did, she burst into tears. She said you were a good-natured boy. A day later, she apologized to the families of the dead. She told local CNN affiliate WJBF, "My heart goes out to them. They've lost their babies, their hopes, their dreams for their futures." When asked about you, her good-natured boy, your moms seemed to have recanted that statement. "He's lost," she told another reporter. "His future is gone." "He was scrawny, he was funny. He tried to be everybody's friend." -Aaron Brittingham, 17 -- friend of Charles Andrew Williams. You didn't aspire to be timeless . You wanted to be popular. Some people get the two ideals twisted. But not you. You tried your best to get along. You cracked jokes. You tried to be nice. You tried to fit in. You shot hoops with the new kids. You rode your skateboard in the neighborhood. Two of your skateboards were stolen. The bullies and the playa-haters made fun of how small you were. Called you the Indian In The Cupboard after the tiny character in the movie of the same name. Called you Bad Andy , after a TV commercial where a freakin' demented ragdoll always tried to throw salt in the game for the employees of Dominoes Pizza. The disses were relentless. Freak. Nerd. Dork. You tried to fit in. You stayed out past curfew. It was reported you even blazed a few trees of weed. But the haters wouldn't stop. It was too much. You knew it was time to make moves. "We didn't search his backpack...only searched his body. We patted him down." -Alex Ripple, 14 -- a classmate who got wind of the intentions of Charles Andrew Williams. You bragged about all of the guns your pops had. You boasted about the access you had to the gun cabinet. A gun cabinet that Charles Jeffrey Williams insisted to police investigators was locked. You told your boy Josh Stevens and about twenty other people over the weekend how you were going to go on a shooting spree. Chris Reynolds, the 29-year-old boyfriend of Josh's mom, Karen, heard you talking but didn't think you were serious. He even told you, "I don't want another Columbine here at Santana." And you told him, "No, nothing will happen, I'm just joking...I wouldn't be stupid and do something like that." You even said that your father's guns were locked up. Now Chris is crying on the evening news and grieving in soundbites. "I'm upset with myself for not doing anything, " he told one reporter. "I made a bad choice." "He pointed the gun right at me, but he didn't shoot." -Andrew Kaforey, a classmate who, after hearing the gunshots, came face to face with Charles Andrew Williams. Monday morning. It's your day, dog. The next few minutes at Santana High School will alter the course of the rest of your life. The moment is seismic. What Kierkegaard would call his personal earthquake . Or was it Kant? Whatever. It's your Career Defining Moment . You have hidden the .22-caliber revolver in your backpack. You're in the boy's bathroom (hey, the bathroom motif is appropriate; is it true that you brought a water-gun filled with pee to school a few weeks ago, and sprayed people with it?). You pull the trigger. Bryan Zuckor, 14, and Randy Gordon are murdered. Shot in the back. Zuckor dies on the urine-stained floor next to a toilet. Gordon dies in the ER of Grossmont Hospital. You walk out and reload as many as four times. You fire off more than 30 shots. You come face to face with Andrew, but you don't shoot him. John Schardt -- yeah, remember him? -- has you in the cross-hairs of his viewfinder and captures the work in a montage of still and live-action footage. The police will confiscate this evidence. But don't be surprised if it winds up on 60 Minutes . Or 20/20. Or Dateline . Or the highest bidder. You walk out into the quad and continue to bust off shots. Thirteen people are wounded. Schardt tells the media. "He had an evil kind of sadistic demeanor to him. It was incredible." Of course you were smiling! He was taking your picture! Duh?! "...how saddened we all are to know that two students lost their lives in a disgraceful act of cowardice..." -President George Walker Bush, weighing in on the actions of Charles Andrew Williams. Here come the cops. You race back in the bathroom. You get on your knees and surrender. You tell the cops, "It's only me," as if it was just a game of charades. Or paint ball. But it's not. Randy Gordon will be absent from the Navy's basic training this July. He wanted to be a pilot. One of his friends, Chris Mazzi, 18, placed a sign in front of Santana High School that read, "You're flying now, Randy." Bryan Zuckor won't be skateboarding anytime soon. He won't be playing in anymore basketball games. His coach, Dan Scott, called him a "rebounding machine." He won't be there to help his mother, a single parent, with his two younger siblings. A neighbor, Ruth Ashcraft, expressed her anguish to USA Today . "He was her rock," she said. The President of The United States has gone on national TV and labeled you a coward. San Diego County Sheriff's Department Lt. Jerry Lewis said you were "an angry young man." Well Charlie, you know what they say. Careful what you wish for. And boy, did you get it. Popularity. Boom! You done blew up, dog! On the local 11 p.m. news in Baltimore, Md. -- near your old stomping grounds in Brunswick -- they obtained a home video of you filming yourself in the bathroom, mugging, giggling, taking long, lingering shots of the toilet (what's up with that?), and your voice over: "I hate it there," you said, talking about Santana High School. "Nobody is nice there. They're stupid." Your boys Josh and A.J. have caught the mad fame , too. They were crying on 20/20 , remorseful that they didn't tell anybody about your plans. Josh talked about the song by the group Linkin Park, and the lyrics that you loved so much: "Things aren't the way they were before/ you wouldn't even recognize me anymore..." Thanks to you, they've been asked to transfer to another high school, for their own safety. You've even become an inspiration for other kids. A fourteen-year-old girl at a Roman Catholic middle school in Wiliamsport, Pa. An eight-year-old boy at a school in Philadelphia who came to school with a loaded shotgun and threatened a bloodbath. A high school freshman in Harlingen, Texas, who was caught with a "hit list." Do you know how popular you are, Charles? Do you? Only God knows, as you ride to the police station, riding the ride that you will remember until you take your last breath. Okay; exhale. Now, it begins to come back to you. Before they place you on a suicide watch, it becomes crystal clear. Your name is Charles Andrew Williams. You used to be fifteen years old. But on 03.05.01, at 9:25 a.m., you became timeless .
 
Cheryl Saban: It's Sunday -- A Day to Rest. Top
When I was a child in the fifties, most retail stores and shopping centers were closed on Sundays. People went to worship, if that was your thing, and then spent the day relaxing - visiting friends, or tinkering around the house. If people wanted company and companionship, they usually opted for the up close and personal kind. Though we had telephones, there were no cell phones, no handheld video games, and no constantly-at-the-ready communication devices. Often we'd go to a park with a whole herd of friends and spend the entire day there, playing and relaxing and goofing off till the sun went down. We didn't need organized play, or a well-structured agenda. Nature in all its glory was enough. We'd climb trees, collect leaves, chase each other around, and if there happened to be a creek, river or pond nearby, we could be counted on to get muddy in it. The adults would actually talk to each other -- face to face! There was a casualness to such activities on a Sunday - a feeling that this was the event of the day, that there was no need to hurry to get back for something else. The calm and peace and sheer bliss of these kind of days could refuel our jets for another week of school and work. And at the end of the day, we'd all be closer, more bonded, feel more content, and grateful about life in general. Now, it's much more difficult to find these tranquil moments. That doesn't mean that they're not there for the taking, but rather because we rarely allow ourselves the opportunity for unstructured time - to slow down. Cell phones, blackberries and other ubiquitous communication devices are either clutched in our hands, holstered to our belts, or otherwise placed close by within earshot. We get blow-by-blow reports on everything from the difficult economic situation, to the weather or our favorite TV shows. Kids spend too much time indoors, and we spend too much time not noticing that. We're all-consumed with our devices and making sure we don't miss anything important. In the meantime, we're missing something that's really important. We all need to restore ourselves, to calm down, to rest, and to enjoy nature. So, after I write this, I'm going to turn off my computer, leave my phone on my desk, and take a walk on the beach. I'm going to smell the salt water, watch the gulls fly and feel the sunshine on my shoulders. After that...well, I actually don't have any plans. Happy Sunday. More on Happiness
 
Scott Mendelson: Fast & Furious pulls in $72 million - Scott Mendelon's Huff Post box office rundown. Top
The List Fast & Furious has apparently grossed $72.5 million over the three day portion. That's a 70% uptick on the previous April opening weekend record holder, Anger Management . It's the 27th biggest opening of all time and it just out grossed the entire run of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift by $10 million in just three days. Plus, for what it's worth, the third biggest opening for a 'part IV' in history, behind Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - both of which opened to about $101 million. Although I'm sure, adjusted for inflation, that Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace and, um, Goldfinger sold more tickets. I severely doubt that Terminator: Salvation can top this opening over this Memorial Day weekend (it would also have to improve by about 70% over Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines ), so this pointless novelty record will stand until Spider-Man 4 opens in May 2011 (at which point we'll likely see a new 'king of the part IVs'). In fact, this may stand as the year's biggest opening for quite some time. A year ago, The Hannah Montana movie would have likely exploded accordingly, but the brand seems to have peaked. Even before the online leak, $70 million for Wolverine was close to the best case scenario. Now, coupled with continuing bad buzz, it'll be probably be lucky to hit $60 million (on the plus side, it's now the most talked about film of the summer by a mile). Star Trek is another major question mark. It's arguably the film I'm most excited about this summer, but it's still a mystery as to whether it can break out past the loyal fan base (why Paramount hasn't already started screening it is beyond me). Angels & Demons won't open nearly as large as The Da Vinci Code ($77 million three-day), since it won't have the reams of free press due to alleged controversy, plus it's the classic 'sequel to a bad hit film that no one wanted a sequel to' (of course, it if performs like the comparable Prince Caspian , then that will be super as it didn't cost $200 million). Terminator: Salvation is likely out for reasons stated above, and no one expects Pixar's Up to open as well as Finding Nemo or The Incredibles . So, if Wolverine takes a hit due to bad buzz or piracy, and Star Trek doesn't play to the cheap seats, it may be late June before Transformers 2 takes this record away. As I mentioned yesterday, Universal smartly sold Fast & Furious as a class reunion of sorts and also as a 'true sequel' to the 2001 original. Unlike the last two sequels, which had few if any original cast members taking part, this one provided a solid paycheck and a hot meal to the four original stars, all of whom have floundered over the last eight years. None of the would-be break out stars from the first picture, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, and Jordana Brewster, have truly found success outside the series that spawned them. Vin Diesel has tried desperately to become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although XXX opened to a solid $46 million and ended with about $90, his only success since then has been the PG family comedy The Pacifier , which actually grossed $113 million. Unlike Dwayne Johnson, who has embraced his family-friendly typecasting, Vin Diesel still seems determined to be cinema's preeminent bad ass. We'll see how he uses this new found capital (free advice - take scene stealing supporting roles instead of bland lead roles). Paul Walker has actually made a couple good movies - the terrific Joyride (arguably second only to Duel in the genre of 'terror on the open road' movies), and the flawed but ambitious Running Scared . But his only non F&F hit was the Disney snow dog adventure film, Eight Below ($81 million domestic), which could have starred anybody and been just as successful. Michelle Rodriguez was first noticed in the indie boxing drama, Girlfight . The Fast and the Furious was her 'mainstream break out' picture, but her career has sputtered since. She had a supporting role in the solid police action film S.W.A.T. ($117 million), and she had a notoriously short lived supporting gig on the second season of Lost (where she was saddled with playing an unsympathetic character that you were supposed to adore), but most of her post F&F work has been in the video game voice over arena. Ironically, while she is the actress arguably least likely to return for a would-be fifth film, she's also the one who probably won't need it. This Christmas, she has the lead role in some low-budget indie called Avatar , directed by that hotshot Sundance sensation Jimmy Cameron. If that hits, she rides the wave. If it flops, than Mr. 'King of the World' takes the blame. Finally, Jordanna Brewster has suffered the fate of many a 'hot newcomer' who is primarily known for being really pretty (think Shannon Elizabeth). She has suffered through one 'insert babe here' role after another, with her best shot at true stardom squashed when her pilot for the TV series version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith didn't get picked up. She is currently in a recurring gig on Chuck . Ironically, she was actually quite good in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning , which I have always maintained is the very best 'Texas Chainsaw' movie ever made (yes, it's scarier, better acted, and contains richer characters than even the 1974 original). Since it's apparent that her role in this sequel is the same 'hot girlfriend' role that she had in the first, I doubt she'll get much traction. Did anyone out there see the Mr. and Mrs. Smith pilot? I'd love to hear about it as it seemed to actually be the rare hit movie that would have made sense as a TV show. So, since the film had an expectedly low 2.37x multiplier, we can only assume that this will likely be a 'quick kill blockbuster'. Still, even using the catastrophic collapses that we've seen this winter ( Watchmen , Friday the 13th , and Jonas Brothers 3D ), a pathetic 50% weekend-to-total multiplier (w2t) would give this one $144 million, or about what the original grossed. Part 1 had a 3.6x w2t, part 2 had a 2.54x w2t, and part 3 had a 2.6x w2t. So, if this one performs like part 2 (likely), it'll still end up with $185 million. So, if this has anything resembling staying power, even for one weekend, it'll cross $200 million. But, it'll still likely join the big November 3 - Madagascar 2 , Quantum Of Solace , and Twilight - as movies that opened to well over $60 million but still failed to cross $200 million. Still, this one only cost $85 million, so it'll be in the black by weekend three. This is a huge, huge win for Universal. The only other opener was Greg Mottala's Adventureland , a charming and low-key dramady set in the 1980s at an amusement park. Alas, this passion project only made $6 million. The reviews were relatively solid, but it just didn't break out. And, because the ad campaign made the film seem far goofier and broadly comic that it is, I expect word of mouth to be pretty lousy. Hopefully it'll get a second chance on DVD (next time, Mottala, get your pal Apatow to offer an executive producer credit, just for the ads). For more box office info on the holdovers, including whether or not Monsters Vs Aliens will make it to $200 million and the box office prospects of next week's Hannah Montana movie, visit Mendelson's Memos . Don't forget to comment. Scott Mendelson
 
Tim Giago: Winter Blizzards Bring Nostalgia Top
By Tim Giago (Nanwica Kciji) © 2009 Native Sun News Three Consecutive Blizzards Provokes Memories April 5, 2009 Who would have thought that blizzards hitting Western South Dakota on three consecutive weeks would bring back moments of nostalgia. Doesn't it seem to you that when you were a child you didn't feel the freezing cold from snowstorms and blizzards as you now do as an adult? Down at Red Cloud Indian School we were issued winter coats handed down to us from charitable organizations, mostly from back east, and we were glad to have them. When the first snowstorm of the year hit, the Mission playgrounds would be filled with boys dressed in various forms of winter clothing engaged in snowball fights or busy building forts with walls of snow. Our knitted gloves would be soaked through and through in a matter of minutes, but we didn't feel the cold because we were too busy having fun. One time Mr. John Bryde organized us into two armies, the Union soldiers and the Confederates. We had built two forts of packed snow and placed flags on the highest point of each fort. Everybody got busy making snowballs and piling them in stacks in preparation for the coming battle. The object of the battle was one army to rush the other and try to capture the flag without getting picked off by a snowball. We didn't know there were a couple of real fanatics on the Confederate army. These diehards soaked the snowballs in water and let them freeze. When one of those babies bounced off of your head it was like getting beaned with a rock. Well, in retaliation some of the guys in the Union army packed their snowballs with actual rocks. The war turned out to be a bloody one and if I remember rightly, the Confederates made it through our barrage and captured our flag. Can you imagine the lawsuits that would be filed in this day and age if one boy got a bloody head from a well-aimed snowball either frozen or containing a rock? Heck, you can't even find a merry-go-round on a modern day playgrounds anymore. If the kids of today could see how we turned a merry-go-round into a destroyer on the high seas they would think we were nuts. Around South Dakota the old-timers still remember the Blizzard of '49. Now that was a real doozer. Several days after that blast local dogs were digging frozen pheasant out of the snowdrifts. Cargo planes from the air force base were flying out over the far out ranches and dropping bales of hay to the starving cattle. Out on the Pine Ridge and Rosebud Indian reservations the Air Force sent several cargo planes to drop parcels of food by parachute to the isolated residents. The Blizzard of '49 took several lives. The wind whipped the falling snow and the snow on the ground around so fiercely that cars and trucks on the highways ran into total whiteouts. Unless you've ever been in a whiteout you'll never know how it is to suddenly be immersed in such a blinding mixture of wind and snow that you can't see your hand in front of your face. Trying to see out of the car windshield is like looking into a totally white void. On one ranch a man tried to make it from the barn to his house, a total of about 200 yards, and got caught in a whiteout. He couldn't see his house and when they found his body the next day he was only about 20 yards from his front door. Comparably, the three consecutive blizzards that shutdown Interstate 90 and kept many of us shut in behind frozen doors was probably as severe as the Blizzard of '49, but with all of the conveniences of weather forecasts and early warnings, we are much better prepared. The Doppler Weather Forecasts can let us know days in advance when the storm is coming, how long it will last, which schools, government offices and highways will be closed, and when it will be safe to venture out again. In 1949 it was nearly all guess work. One elderly lady on the Pine Ridge Reservation used her knowledge of the culture to forecast a hard winter by watching the number of sun flowers growing along the roads and in the countryside. One winter she told Doris Brewer that it was going to be a bad winter. "How do you know," Doris asked. "There are hundreds of sun flowers growing in that field over there," the elderly lady said. Doris looked at the field and had to laugh. The field was filled with sun flowers because the Oglala Sioux Tribe had gotten into the sun flower seed business and had planted about 60 acres of them just outside of Pine Ridge Village. Well, enough of this nostalgia. The sun is now shining and spring is almost here. Like most South Dakotans, I am sick of the snow and the blizzards. I am longing for green grass and those warm spring days that make me start searching for my fishing pole. (Tim Giago is the publisher of Native Sun News. He can be reached at editor@nsweekly.com)
 
Jacob M. Appel: Should We Really Fear Reproductive Human Cloning? Top
In his remarks lifting the ban on the federal funding of embryonic stem cell research last month, President Obama took pains to distinguish research cloning from reproductive cloning. According to the President, "the use of cloning for human reproduction" is "dangerous, profoundly wrong, and has no place in our society, or any society," and he promised to ensure that "our government never opens the door" to such a practice. What the President did not do was to explain precisely why he opposes reproductive cloning. Is his opposition solely based upon the health risks that cloning techniques, such as somatic cell nuclear transfer, may impose upon children born as a result of this novel technology? Or does he believe that human reproductive cloning ought to be prohibited even if it could someday be rendered as safe--or safer--than other forms of procreation? To some who oppose reproductive cloning, as polls consistently suggest that a majority of Americans still do, these questions may seem purely academic: As long as our society adopts the right policy, one might argue, why concerns ourselves with whether we are doing so for the wrong reasons or even for conflicting reasons? The reality of the legislative debates preceding state cloning bans--from California's 1997 prohibition to the statute enacted last week in Montana--is that much antagonism to reproductive cloning appears to reflect an inchoate, emotional and often illogical repugnance to the practice on the part of lawmakers, rather than well-reasoned and well-articulated opposition. What is actually needed is an unbiased assessment of both the perils and promises of cloning humans. Most evidence suggests the reproductive human cloning, at the present time, would pose serious dangers to any children so produced. The frequency of birth defects and long-term health complications in cloned animals remains exceedingly high. These genetic disorders likely result from programming errors due to what biologists call "imprinting," and arise when the double sets of maternally- or paternally-derived genes in the embryo "speak" simultaneously. While scientists are currently working on reprogramming techniques, which would prevent these errors, the feasibility of such efforts remains largely uncertain. What is far clearer is that, if society's only objection to reproductive cloning is the danger that the technology poses to the offspring, then research to render human cloning safe should be pursued vigorously. The most obvious benefit of reproductive cloning--if it could be rendered safe--would be as a source of transplantable tissues and organs. I certainly do not mean to suggest that cloned children would have any fewer human rights or should be treated any differently than non-cloned children. Quite the contrary: Much as children conceived in "test tubes" are morally and legally indistinguishable from children conceived in utero, any moral approach to reproductive cloning would ensure that clones were treated with the same respect and dignity as any other identical twins. However, parents frequently decide to produce additional offspring in order to provide matching bone-marrow donors for their critically-ill children. Pediatric kidney donations between living siblings takes place in many nations. For a family with a dying child, the prospect of using cloning to create a potential donor with a set of perfectly-matched genes--and ultimately, two healthy, lovable children--might be a godsend. The ethics surrounding such procedures are highly complex. Nobody should believe otherwise. However, one should never mistake the complexity of making a decision for its underlying morality. Certainly, there is a wide difference between believing that the possibilities of human cloning should be approached with wisdom and considerable caution, as do I, and deciding a priori that such potentially therapeutic opportunities should be dismissed out of hand. I cannot imagine that President Obama's remarks were intended to meant that, if reproductive cloning could be rendered safe for both mother and baby, and if it could save the life of a desperate sibling, it would still be profoundly wrong. Individuals may wish to clone children for many additional reasons: some that strike mainstream society as highly reasonable, others that strike us as rather peculiar. Infertile couples might use the technology to produce children with some of their own DNA. A family who has lost a child in an accident might find some solace in cloning their lost son or daughter; the second kid would, of course, be a distinct human being from the first, with its own identity, but the sense of continuity experienced by the mourning parents might provide comfort nonetheless. The Raëlian Church has pursued cloning technology for religious purposes. As long as a scientific consensus exists that cloning is a health threat to the offspring, these individuals should not be permitted to risk bringing a severely disabled child into the world. I think most reasonable people would agree that when the health of children is at stake, we should set the safety bar high and take few unnecessary risks. However, if the times comes when scientists conclude that reproductive cloning can be conducted without a threat to the health of the offspring, then the burden will fall upon opponents to explain precisely why such a practice threatens human dignity or societal welfare. The cry of "we don't like it"--which has been used to justify opposing every aspect of human enlightenment from women's suffrage to gay equality--will simply not be a sufficient answer. What has been lost in the rush to condemn reproductive cloning wholesale has been any meaningful effort to protect future children created through such a procedure. Whether the practice is legal or not in the United States, it will likely be only a matter of time before some determined scientist, somewhere in the world, creates a cloned human being. We need clear laws to establish the relationship between the supplier of the cloned DNA and the resulting progeny (eg. Are they siblings? Parent and child? What are the clone's inheritance rights?) We require guarantees that, if genetic defects do arise in such children as a result of cloning, treatment for these conditions will be covered by private health insurance. And we need careful regulation and funding to ensure that the procedure is rendered safe--if that can be done--before cloned embryos are brought to term. In short, we need legislation to ensure that any future cloned men and women will be treated with the dignity and humanity that they deserve. In an ideal world, human reproductive cloning would be safe, legal and rare. I say rare because my guess is that the vast majority of people, myself included, would have little desire to raise cloned offspring. After all, it is now possible to clone pets dogs--but few of us would choose to spend a spare $150,000 on such a venture. Yet thirty-eight years after James Watson's seminal essay, "Moving Toward a Cloned Man," called for increased public debate on this promising and perplexing subject, I don't believe that we should be so quick to greet cloning technology with a permanent injunction. Instead, what human reproductive cloning requires at the moment is a yellow light, telling us to proceed with extreme caution, until we know with confidence whether the technology can ever be used to produce healthy babies.
 
Schools Face Huge Budget Problems Despite $1 Billion Stimulus Boost Top
With the federal government handing Illinois public schools more than $1 billion extra this year, you might think it's a good year for schools. But you'd be underestimating the state's budget problems. Even with boatloads of economic stimulus money coming from Washington, Gov. Pat Quinn is recommending just 2 percent in additional school funding. And that's in a budget proposal that counts on raising income taxes and hitting teachers up for more pension support. Lawmakers might very well reject those changes. President Barack Obama said last week Illinois would get about $3 billion over the next several years for public education as part of his effort to jump-start the flagging economy, including $964 million this spring to cover most of the remaining payments the state owes local districts for this school year. Illinois has an $11.6 billion deficit, meaning the federal money is far from a cure-all. The Democratic governor's budget plan for the fiscal year that begins July 1 allows for an overall increase in spending on preschool through high school of $173.4 million - a 2.3 percent bump. That's not much compared to recent years. From 2008 to 2009, for example, spending increased $339 million, or 4.8 percent. Still, it beats the rate of inflation, which was just 1 percent in the past fiscal year and is forecast to drop further. Most educators appreciate Quinn's effort, given the circumstances. "Quality education is absolutely essential to a long-term economic recovery if we're going to be competitive in the 21st Century, so investing in education is one of the best investments we can make in this crisis," said Ken Swanson, president of the Illinois Education Association, the state's largest teachers union. Despite the federal aid, Quinn proposes sweeping changes just to keep schools ahead. He wants a 50 percent increase in the income tax rate - along with generous exemptions to help lower-income residents - to raise $3.2 billion for the overall budget. He suggests reducing pension benefits for incoming teachers and requiring existing ones to pay 2 percent more of their paychecks toward retirement. That would let the state reduce its payment to the downstate teachers' pension fund by $443 million next year. And he would save $200 million by cutting three dozen grant programs - for class-size reduction, after-school programs and mentoring, and the cherished "hold harmless" provision that prevents any loss of money at schools with declining enrollment. That grant money would instead be used for general state aid, which would let schools decide how to spend it. "In a time of limited resources, giving schools the most flexible dollars is the way to go," said Sen. Heather Steans, a Chicago Democrat. Many of the grant programs have entrenched constituencies that will oppose cutting the money, Steans acknowledged. But holding them off is the least of Quinn's problems. Pitching the first income-tax increase in nearly two decades has advocates of education funding reform champing at the bit. They've been pushing for years to change the system to make schools less reliant on local property taxes, a system that creates wide disparities in school-district wealth across the state. They want lower property taxes in exchange for higher income taxes, and their cause got a powerful endorsement last week from Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. Schools need more money than offered, and if income taxes go up, property taxes should drop, he said. "There's a potential missed opportunity if there's an income tax increase and education doesn't really see any benefit from that," said Rep. Mike Smith, a Democratic education expert from Canton who's favored the "tax swap" and has sponsored legislation to change the income tax system to make it fairer. The Illinois income tax is flat, meaning everyone is taxed at the same rate, regardless of income. Critics say such taxes create more of a burden on the poor. Quinn wants a more progressive income tax too, but that would require a constitutional change at the next election. Meanwhile, he has tried to soften the income-tax hit by suggesting tripling the personal exemption - income sheltered from taxes - from $2,000 to $6,000 a person. That makes the flat-rate income tax fairer to poorer people, but also cuts into the revenue a 50 percent tax hike could generate for schools. "If we're going to do this and raise income taxes, we should do it in a way that works toward fixing the problem," said Dave Comerford, spokesman for the Illinois Federation of Teachers. "This may just not raise enough revenue to structurally fix it." Teachers and school administrators are not fond of Quinn's pension design. The state's five pension systems are underfunded by $73 billion, largely because of years in which the state didn't keep up with its payments. The governor reasons he can reduce deposits in future years by offering less-lucrative retirement benefits to new state employees. Current workers would get the same benefits but have to pay 2 percent more of their salaries toward the fund. For the Teachers Retirement System, covering teachers outside Chicago, that's already 9.4 percent. "For nearly 30 years, governors and legislatures, Democratic and Republican alike, have raided the pensions by underfunding them," IEA's Swanson said. "Over those decades, we have made very contribution asked of us. We reject the idea that somehow we now should be punished." --- On the Net: --- Illinois education budget proposal: http://www.isbe.net/budget/FY10-budget-book.pdf http://www.isbe.net/budget/FY10-budget-compare-gov.pdf
 
Caption This Photo, Vote For Friday's Best, See Thursday's Winner! Top
Original Caption: US President Barack Obama, center, and standing behind him are his wife first lady Michelle Obama, left, and Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, right, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy at the Palais Roham in Strasbourg, France, Friday, April 3, 2009. FRIDAY'S FAVORITES: THURSDAY'S WINNER: Wish I could help, Camilla, but cool is something you're born with. By AutoPilot. More on Caption Contest
 
David Henry Sterry: MLB to Start Steroid Hall of Fame Top
In an attempt to generate more income in the face of the current relentless economic downturn, Major League Baseball has decided to start a Steroid Hall of Fame. They have not yet convinced a city to host what one high-ranking official from MLB described as, "A great way to capitalize on a glorious time in baseball history that has been unfortunately and unfairly tarred and feathered!" But they are confident they will not have to accept the only offer currently on the table, which is to share space with the Anchovy Museum outside Dead Horse, Alaska. According to a reliable source near the top of Major League Baseball, the Steroids Hall of Fame will be modeled after the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. There will be mementos, memorabilia, and busts of players. "Only we're going to super-size the whole thing, with these enormous statues of all the guys, their massive magnificent muscles rippling, those titanic gunboats fully loaded, I swear to God, it gives me chills just think about it. Plus, we have actual needles players used, we've got samples of the clear and the cream that customers can rub on themselves, and we even have the shriveled testicle of one very famous ballplayer, whose name I'm not at liberty to mention." A top official at Major League Baseball has leaked an internal memo revealing those players who are believed to be certain first-time ballot inductees. 1B: Mark McGwire. There's some stiff competition at this position, but you have to go with Big Mac. He got so gianormous, and then to watch him whimper like a neutered dog in front of Congress -- priceless! 2B: Gary Sheffield. True, he never really played second base, but he was a middle infielder, and he's such a horse's patoot, it didn't seem fair to leave him off the starting nine. SS: Alex Rodriguez. No-brainer. A-Rod went from skinny kid to Terminator Middle Infielder in like, 15 minutes. And he was such a weasel on TV lying right through his teeth, that's Hall of Fame stuff. 3B: Ken Caminiti. It's sad, but the truth is, when this guy was 'roiding up, he was a monster. And let's face it, we need a cautionary tale thrown in here for the kids. That's how we'll spin it anyway. CF: Lenny Dykstra. It was hysterical how Nails ended one season looking like a son of a toothpick, and came to spring training the next year with his neck, chest and shoulders so pumped up you could barely see his tiny little pin head. RF: José Canseco. Hey, if it weren't for him, the Steroid Hall of Fame would not be possible. He's the juicer's juicer, you have to give the devil his due. LF: Barry Bonds. Poster boy. We have these fantastic busts of his head over the years, and they just keep getting bigger, the last one looks like it could float in the Macy's Day Parade. And we have some spectacular "backne" shots, it looks like Orion's belt in pimples. DH: Rafael Palmiero. When he got up in front of Congress and started waving that steroid-bloated finger around, we were laughing our *sses off. (SIDEBAR: We need to start a smear campaign against Congress, get their nose out of our business, I mean come on, why aren't they tracking down Osama bin Laden? don't they have a broken health care system to fix? shouldn't they be getting the economy out of the crapper?) PITCHER: Roger Clemens. The worst liar in the history of liars. When he was testifying, his eyes kept shifting all around, he couldn't stop tugging at his collar, licking his lips. If it wasn't so funny, it would've been pitiful. Critics claim that Major League Baseball willfully turned a blind eye to the use of steroids, because of the unprecedented growth in popularity and profits due to suddenly gigantic ballplayers hitting ridiculous amounts of home runs. "We couldn't kill the goose that was laying all those golden eggs," one high-ranking Major League Baseball official said, "and now we've found a sure-fire way of turning that goose into a cash cow. And steroid wise, at this point mostly we've gone after journeyman, minor leaguers, and Latinos, for obvious reasons, but we're very close to revealing some very big names. Big, big, big! Trust me, we've only seen the tip of the iceberg here, but instead of going down like the Titanic, we're setting course for a brave new world, and we want to keep doing the most important thing there is, what Major League Baseball is really all about: making money."
 
New York Times Picks Cubs To Win World Series Top
The Chicago Cubs are the clear favorites in the N.L. Central, with Milton Bradley added to balance a right-leaning lineup that looked feeble in a playoff sweep by the Los Angeles Dodgers last fall. More on Sports
 
Daley, Quinn Lay Out $200 Million City Street Repair Plan Top
One of Chicago's worst pothole-scarred streets was selected as the backdrop Saturday for Gov. Pat Quinn and Mayor Richard Daley to outline nearly $200 million in city road repairs and other improvements included in a new statewide construction package.
 
Olympics Would Shut Down Public Lakefront Bike Path Top
Should Chicago win the right to host the 2016 Olympic Games, a private beach would be built for competing athletes on the South Side -- shutting down part of the city's widely used bike path on a lakefront that has historically been open to any and all users, officials said Saturday. More on Olympics
 
Farrah Fawcett's Son Arrested As She's In Hospital Top
While Farrah Fawcett is reportedly fighting for her life -- her 24-year-old son is now fighting two brand new drug charges. Redmond O'Neal was arrested around 9:30 this morning in Castaic, California -- and here's the rub, he was on jail grounds at the time of his arrest.
 
Chicago Shows Off Olympics Venues To International Evaluators Top
Sunday was show-and-tell time in Chicago as local officials did their best to convince visiting members of the International Olympic Committee that the city should serve as host of the 2016 Summer Games. On arguably the most important day of their nearly weeklong visit, which ends Tuesday, IOC officials began a tour early Sunday of spots where venues will be built if Chicago is selected. Chicago 2016 organizers used the excursion to drive home a key point of their bid proposal: that Chicago's Olympics would be a compact affair. "Today is the day we can really show that," said United States Olympic Committee spokesman Darryl Seibel. "The significance of today is that it's an opportunity not only to present plans, but to show those plans - bring them to life." The IOC team members began their day on the site where the Olympic Village would be built, on the grounds of the mostly shuttered Michael Reese Hospital on city's near South Side. Housing for 16,000 athletes and officials would be built there. Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and former Olympic diving champion Greg Louganis met them at that site. From there they went to the McCormick Place convention center, which would be the site of 11 Olympic and eight Paralympic events. The huge lakefront facility would also be the international broadcast center. Chicago 2016 organizers said they wanted to show how close the venues would be to each other, as well as to Chicago's other cultural attractions. They said 90 percent of the athletes would be able to train and compete within 15 minutes of the Olympic Village. Sunday's circuit from Monroe Harbor, where some of the rowing events would take place, past Soldier Field (soccer) and on to McCormick Place was designed to drive home that point. Later, as the sun peeked briefly through threatening clouds, the delegation visited Washington Park on the South Side, where the main Olympic Stadium would be built. To show the outline of the proposed stadium, 205 volunteers held up flags for each of the Olympic nations around its perimeter. Although demonstrators opposed to the games had threatened to set up a tent city of the homeless in Washington Park to coincide with the visit, no tents were visible from where the IOC members stood. By the end of the day, the IOC will have stopped at 12 Olympic sites, including the northernmost venue - the proposed site of the tennis stadium in Lincoln Park. More on Olympics
 
Elissa Altman: A Locavore in Turnip Town: In Praise of Veggie Traders Top
About five years ago, when the term " locavore " had not yet been coined and we all thought that eating organic was about as good as it got, I was driving around town in my Subaru and listening to NPR's Faith Middleton interview Carole Peck . Carole is the chef/owner of Woodbury, Connecticut's Good News Cafe --an establishment that has long prided itself on supporting local food producers and growers in a state that is maddeningly packed to the rafters with both unused farmland and heavily-frequented Taco Bells. The question that Faith posed was about Carole's propensity for keeping as many local foods on the menu as possible; but what , Faith asked, happens in the winter ? Carole, who is neither meek nor mild, recalled a chat she'd had with Alice Waters ; when the conversation turned to local foods (as it always does with Alice), Carole's take on the subject was Yankee pragmatic, all the way: "what the hell am I supposed to feed my customers eight months out of the year? TURNIPS?" Fair question. This is, alas, the flip side of the locavore movement; sure, most of us know that local and organic foods can be higher in cost (often prohibitively). But what about us poor schmucks who don't live in places like northern California, or whose local food suppliers just don't have the wherewithal to create a year-round growing program, like Elliot Coleman has long done way up in frigid Maine? What am I to do when my neighborhood farmer's market is only open from July until the first week in October (compared to the farmer's market in, say, Middlebury Vermont, which is open from May until the end of October)? Sure, I built my own raised beds; last year, I grew two different types of carrots, and kale and leeks that survived hard frosts and snowstorms and kept me in produce until January. But the three English peas I managed to spawn were eaten by crows, my beets were gnawed on by deer, and my Bright Lights chard had to be literally chiseled out of the frozen Connecticut tundra with a tool that only New Englanders will recognize: a long, heavy, metal pole with a flat end (known in my home as the "thing with the thing on the end of it"), meant to disgorge the enormous rocks on which most of New England stands. The fact is, eating local during any other time but late Spring, Summer, and early Fall ain't an easy prospect; growing your own is challenging, and buying your own is indisputably expensive. And for every mid-winter reading of my Chez Panisse Cookbook , for every Meyer Lemon craving that I get each and every November, for every Waters/ Bertolli / Tower / Tanis recipe that calls for pulling wild fennel out of my local highway median, I find that, like most very serious, food-focused non-Californians, I sort of want to tear my hair out. Which is why I celebrated--screeched with delight and relief, in fact--when I discovered one of the most brilliant, simple, and straightforward attempts to hook up local food lovers with other local food lovers, regardless of locations; if Freecycle works (and it does), and Craigslist has changed the way communities do business and interact with each other, why can't vegetable growers and food lovers take take advantage of this same business model? Now, it seems they can, with VeggieTrader.com . It's a very easy, very community-friendly idea: grow too many tomatoes? Have too much lettuce coming up that you can't use? Looking for Brussels Sprouts starters (like I am) but can't find any at your local nursery? Log onto VeggieTrader.com; tell it what you're looking for or what you have too much of, scour the I WANT postings, and that's it. Whether you choose to sell, give away, or trade your produce is your business, and if you do wind up buying, odds are it will be far cheaper for you to procure your goods from a gardening neighbor than a high-end supermarket. Utter brilliance, and perfect for people like me who are devoted to eating as locally as possible, but who have to jump hurdle over hurdle in order to do it. Of course, one of my friends mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "Communist" under her breath when I described the process to her. But come December, when she's eating mealy tomatoes that have traveled thousands of miles and been sprayed with enough herbicide and insecticide to knock out a small city, and I open up a jar of fresh Brandywines that I've pickled a day or so after they've been harvested by my Veggie Trader tomato connection, I'll be a happy camper. I'll still be planting my garden in the coming weeks, and filling it with cukes, beans, and (yes) more peas. And if I find myself filthy with turnips, I'll know exactly where to unload them.
 

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