Saturday, December 31, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Katy Made Russell File Because Of Jesus Top

TMZ says that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce yesterday and not Katy Perry is because she didn't want her super-religious parents slapping her with their King James. That's a bible, not a dildo brand.

Since Katy's parents are evangelical Christians, we're told she didn't want to be the one to "officially" end the marriage by filing the docs ... since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

So are stunt weddings. Her parents' values didn't seem to concern her too much when she MARRIED his ass. Or when her first hit song was about dyking it out. Also - someone told me that (no, "someone" isn't me, I was at a Miley Cyrus show that night) at her concert she talks about giving head and her audience's average age is pretty much 12. Smurfette is riding a cherry-picker when it comes to her Christian values.

They also reportedly have had divorce on deck for a couple of weeks after realizing their marriage "just wasn't there".

They were an incongruous couple, right? She tries way to hard to be Rainbow Brite or whatever and he looks like he was born from an oil slick. People tell me he's funny? My problem is that I can't watch Get Him To The Greek to find out because Jonah Hill's in it. Jonah Hill is the worst. Both versions - depressed mastadon and neurotic Gollum. Didn't have lap band, my fat Irish ass!

This divorce story could all be a filthy lie. The real reason Russell was the one to file could be because his wife is terrible. And exhausting. Argh, the costumes, and the wigs, and the big candy props. Desperation Tour 2011.

Speaking of desperation - here's where I plug Manhunt Daily! One of the only reasons my Manhunt bosses let me come over here to help Michael K. out was because I promised to throw a plug into each of my posts. Free advertising! Unfortunately, I, err, forgot to include a few. So before they spank me (literally, it's Manhunt) and then fire me, click a link if you like dick or seeing pictures of it.

 
GOOPy's Hangover Cure Top

Kids, I could use a hangover cure right now. Even one from a pretentious twat. I am in New York City for the New Year on Manhunt business (make of that what you will) and I went to a bar last night that Michael K. recommended. As soon as I saw the Xeroxed copies of guy's b-holes hanging from the ceiling, I knew I was in the right place. The bar stool read "Finger Me", there was hard core dicksucking on the monitors and the drinks were cheap (for NYC). I love my hometown of Boston, but New York is the business.

Do you ever feel like Gwyneth Paltrow keeps up that horrid website of hers just to be a cuntafasse (that's "cuntface" in German. It really isn't, but if you pronounce it as "Kunt-Ah-Fah-Say" it SOUNDS German and it gives calling someone a cunt a little more flair)? She's fully aware that all of the right-minded people in the world find her condescending rich bitch website deplorable, right? This week on GOOP, Fishsticks tackled a topic we might actually be interested in - hangover cures. If you figured Gwyneth's hangover cure was meant solely for the ultra-rich and jet-setty, you were right! Bitch wants you to fly your ass here to New York! Join me! This hotel room is the size of GOOPy's modesty, but I'll fit you in.

If you have the time and the inclination, I've found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment in spas all over the world, including my favorites, the low-key Japanese spas in New York, like Osaka.

Start in a hot, dry room and then move into an even warmer steam room. Then splash yourself with cold water (or even dunk in cold pool or under a cold shower). Follow it with a full body scrubdown, which is typically followed by a massage. At the end you'll be sent to a cool room to relax and cool down.

I've been known to recreate this experience at home too. Just draw a bath that is as hot as you can handle it and mix in some Epsom Salts and Baking Soda. Soak for twenty minutes and then pop into a freezing cold shower for 1 minute. Get back in the hot bath and stay until you're warmed up. Then get back in the shower for 1 more minute.

Lol this bitch. Hangovers are universal. They don't just happen to "refined" millionaire douchenuggets in London. Cherylyne in the trailer park probably doesn't have access to a spa, you irritating mistress of smug. Also, who in the fuck has it in em' to do all this physical activity when they are laid the fuck up with their brain trying to burst through their eyes and so dehydrated they're pissing butter (ok, that was gross)? I can barely get off the couch, where I am undoubtedly covered in potato chip crumbs and very intent on Love & Hip-Hop. Also, who the dick has a separate shower and bathtub (in their bedroom)? My bathroom is so small that I practically shower in the sink. Snob please!

Not only that - this medical professional says her hangover cure is bullshit. This bitch left her brain in that box in Seven.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Beverly Leech - aka Kate Monday from MATHNET! Beverly's portrayed a no-nonsense, obviously lesbian cop with an algebra fetish in the recurring segment on the 80s show SQUARE ONE TELEVISION. This bitch taught us that lesbians can like cats AND math, and also how to work a blazer. The best part about Beverly is bitch got her start on Star Search! Remember when there was an acting ("leading lady") category? It only lasted like a year, because everybody realized the true actresses were the competitors in the SPOKESMODEL COMPETITION. Anyway, thanks to Beverly/Mathnet, I can add single digits and tell how many singles I have to buy some Malt Liquor.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Anthony Hopkins (74)
Donald Trump Jr. (34)
Joey McIntyre (39)
Lance Reddick (42)
Gong Li (46)
Nicholas Sparks (46)
Michael McDonald (47)
Val Kilmer (52)
Bebe Neuwirth (53)
James Remar (58)
Donna Summer (63)
Tim Matheson (64)
Diane von Fürstenberg (65)
Barbara Carrera (66)
Taylor Hackford (67)
Ben Kingsley (68)
Rita Lee (84)

 
Tricky Dick Top

Apologies in advance to all the beautiful gays out there, but according to a new book Nixon's Darkest Secrets: The Inside Story of America's Most Troubled President by ex White House Correspondant Don Fulsum, President Richard Nixon was one of you. I know, I know, but hey, we all have our embarrassments. Like Andy Dick for the bisexuals and Charlie Sheen for the str8s. His married eye apparently strayed for Charles "Bebe" Rebozo, a banker from Key Biscanye Florida with reported mob ties. Read all about it on Huffington Post, where they spill details like Richard was a homophobe in public, beat his wife constantly, and was referred to as "our drunk" by his staff. A politician who publicly beats the gays down while swinging on a stripper pole in heels and lingerie in the safety of his closet? Unheard of.

I am not really offended at the thought of a US president having a gay affair. They are, after all, notorious sluts. *cough*BillClintonCallMe*cough* I'm more offended that they dared to both be ugly, and make me think about their sexy times. That is the most scandalous part of this story to me. Please, keep your tighty-whitey sharey times to yourselves. And yes, Richard Nixon just stepped up a little in my eyes. Watergate? Boring. Whatareyoudoingwithmydickinyourassgate? Now we're getting somewhere. "I am not a crook!" has been replaced with "I am not a crooked dick!" Bravo, Mr. President.

 
It's OVAH Top

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

 
Meet Shax Top

I can't believe I'm blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn't resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to "Shax" to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it's safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.

Quoted from In Touch: "What's in a name? A lot, if you're 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.

Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter "X". A childhood friend of Shiloh's mom isn't one bit surprised.

"Angelina was also a tomboy," the friend tells In Touch. "She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age."

Vince? Okay I'm just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she's much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I'm sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

"Do you know the SUCIO shit my friend Richard Gere would do with this Mexican gerbil?" - Lainey Gossip

Elle Macpherson's bikini looks like it was made from the tablecloth my friend's Russian grandmother lays on the table for New Year's Day lunch - Hollywood Tuna

It's sort of ironic that Vonta Leach would make a perfect drag queen name - Towleroad

Here's a picture to go with that fanfic you wrote about Ryan Gosling's feet toe-fucking the jam into you - Popsugar

Maria Menounos is in a bikini and why shouldn't she be since every trick is in a bikini this week - Hollywood Rag

Aaaand Lily Aldridge too - Popoholic

A trip down Blohan's memory lane feels a lot like doing a line of the bad shit cut with dirty kitty litter - The Superficial

The world is not a fair place when Lady CaCa is tapping her disco stick on this hot piece - Just Jared

The National Enquirer lost me at "woman" - Celebitchy

Eva Herzigova for some shit called S Moda - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

See what the word TACKY shat out today - Cityrag

Okay, TACKY's asshole was burning up, because it also shat out this today - I'm Not Obsessed

Please tell me after this video ended Freddy got his revenge with a ferret bite to the dick - The Daily What

Debra Messing might be a home wrecking whore, but that still doesn't wipe away the boring from her image - SOW

Kim Kuntrashian claims she's a size 2 (more like size poo, sorry) and I think I laughed so damn hard that now I'm a size 2 - ICYDK

 
Ho Ho Ho-ing In Rome Top

Well, that didn't take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She's a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn't make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it's totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

"During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they 'held hands,' witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. 'They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'"

Well isn't that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he's got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K's presence Rome is the new city of love.

 
Open Post: Hosted By The Korean Adele Top

Since the real Adele recently had froat surgery and has canceled of all her concerts until the end of never, this 15-year-old contestant on K-Pop Star can temporarily take her place. Park Ji Mon knocked the accent off of her tongue when she yodeled out "Rolling in the Deep" and made head judge BoA bust out a BoA in her chonies. Okay, okay, comparing Park Ji Mon's singing voice to Adele's singing voice is almost like comparing Kim Kardashian to anything that isn't a smeared doggy diarrhea stain on a hot sidewalk, but I mainly posted this clip for all the ice cold shade that's being thrown. Those other contestants are barely old enough to make a pee pee in an adult toilet, but they're shooting some serious death glares at the Korean Adele. Those are some glares that make you check in the mirror for red marks, because it feels like you've just been slapped with an open hand.

Those little bitches can cool their asses in a wet puddle of STAY MAD, because Park Ji Mon's got this.

via The Daily What

 

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