The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Zack Morris Got Married And Not To Kelly Kapowski
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Well, Well, Well....
- Meanwhile, In St. Tropez....
- Open Post: Hosted By The Huge Creepy Baby From Last Night's Olympic Opening Ceremony
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- The Queen! Bond! Corgis!
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Zack Morris Got Married And Not To Kelly Kapowski | Top |
Seven months after his ex-wife married Jeff Probst, the side ho she cheated with, Mark-Paul Gosselaar got hitched to his fiancee of one year Catriona McGinn at some winery in California. That's nice and everything, but what I really want to know is if Zack Morris' head got bigger or does his new bride have an abnormally skinny head? Or did drinking too many chocolate blueberry martinis (blergh, I know) last night give me a case of fun house hangover eyes? People says that Zack and Catriona's (Side note: I approve of any name that sounds like that of a lost She-Ra villain) pre-divorce ceremony took place at the Sunstone winery in Santa Ynez, Calif. The reception was held at The Max where Zack Attack performed Friends Forever before Jesse Spano ruined everything by smashing into the cake during a caffeine pill freakout. Zack and Catriona and are going to honeymoon in Italy and he said this about their trip: "Trust me, we are going to eat our asses off!" I take back what I said about that pre-divorce ceremony shit, because a couple that rims together, stays together forever. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Because my sense of everything didn't mature past the age of 12, I said yesterday that South Korean archer Im Dong-Hyun (that's "Im Dong" for short or "I'm Don Juan" for long) should win the gold medal for best name at the Olympics. I take that back. Im Dong-Hyun has dropped down to silver and gold goes to American Olympic volleyball player: DESTINEE HOOKER! If Quentin Tarantino directed a Bond movie, the main Bond girl's name would be Destinee Hooker. Some people have been saying that Destinee Hooker's parents did her wrong by naming her Destinee Hooker. But I'm saying the opposite. Why wouldn't you give your daughter a gold medal-winning name like Destinee Hooker? If my last name was Hooker, I'd have kids JUST so I could name them Destinee Hooker, TJ Hooker, Dai Shif Hooker, Happy Hooker, Tudolla Hooker and on and on and on... ("Oh, so this is the reason why we secretly spike all of Michael's booze with sterilization shit* and have permanently put him on the DO NOT LET THIS BITCH ADOPT ANYTHING EVEN A TAMAGOTCHI list." - the government) * exact scientific term (For Hilary) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Stephen Dorff (39) | |
| Well, Well, Well.... | Top |
For the first time in YEARS, a dinner date kissed Katie Holmes on the cheek and afterward her face didn't smell like sweaty balls and peen nectar (aka Tommy Cruise breath). I know, I'd be disappointed too if I was her, because when a dinner date kisses me on the face I pray it'll make my cheek smell like sweaty balls and peen nectar. Katie Holmes, who hasn't stopped smiling ever since she learned how to naturally smile on her own (seriously, she's just showing off now), went to dinner last night in NYC with a bunch of friends including a dude everyone is calling a "mystery man." They make it sound all sexy and shit. That's not a mystery man. That's a manager, agent, lawyer, publicist or some other kind of business type. I know this, because if he was trying to get on her like that, he wouldn't be awkward smiling like me on kindergarten picture day when I was scared of the camera and didn't know how to form my mouth into a smile. That's not a smile of seduction. I also know this, because it's probably been a long time since Katie has gotten good dick, bad dick, soft dick and any kind of dick. If this was a special kind of date, she'd be so excited that she'd be air kissing him with her cooch. But really, who cares about the mystery man thing when there's something more important to scream at. I'm talking Katie taking a cab...AGAIN. I'm hoping that somewhere between that restaurant and her apartment, she traded that cab for a Bentley. The last thing Suri needs is to know that her mother is making a habit out of taking cabs like a commoner. | |
| Meanwhile, In St. Tropez.... | Top |
London might have the flaming Olympic cauldron, but right now St. Tropez has something even better: the twin flaming albino torches of ridiculousness known as Jedward. Dozens of hos in St. Tropez were temporarily blinded by flying gel crust and star dust when Jedward sashayed on by with America's reigning gutter goddess Tara Reid. If the Mad Hatter served crack cakes and meth tea to Alice and Tweedledee and Tweedledum at his party, this is what the aftermath would look like. The broken condom babies of Christopher "Kid" Reid and Robert Pattinson became friends with Tara Reid when they all did Celebrity (????) Big Brother. Yes, they are just PLATONIC friends and you can't tell me otherwise. I refuse to believe that Jedward ran their tongues over Tara Reid's deflated whoopee cushion stomach at the same time, because if that happened the universe would've barfed on this planet and drowned us all. A Jedward/Tara Reid sandwich is what you get when you order from the 9th Circle Deli deep within the colon of HELL! And Jedward must be dumb as dick or brave as all shit if they're hanging around Tara Reid. I mean, they're white and powdery, and you know how Tara's nostrils get when she's around something that's white and powdery. The next time we see pictures of Tara, a red sneaker will be hanging out of her nostril. Tara's gonna snort them up. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The Huge Creepy Baby From Last Night's Olympic Opening Ceremony | Top |
You didn't have to be stoned, drunk, crunk or mind-numbingly high on whatever was in your medication cabinet to fully embrace the clusterfuck of WTF foolery that Britain threw down during last night's Opening Ceremony. High school history teachers should pass a joint around to their students and play last night's Opening Ceremony if they really want British history to seep into their brains. From Kenneth Branagh and his chorus of Isambard Kingdom Brunels (or as some of us lazy drunk Americans who didn't feel like Googling called him, "Abrabrit Lincolns!") to the nurses jiving over universal healthcare to the "It's Voldemort, bitch!" moment to the ode to teen cell phone hook-ups, it was all sorts of WHAT?! (Side whisper: The part that really bothered me during the ode to teen cell phone hook-ups was when dude found her cell phone and called her OTHER cell phone with it. Homegirl had a second cell phone or did he call one of her friends' phones? This was unclear and Danny Boyle should've really cleared it up if he wanted the audience to completely believe this Opening Ceremony teen cell phone hook-up situation!) Before last night's cavalcade of British acid trips, some hos kept saying that there's no way London is going to top Beijing. But Danny Boyle had the right idea. If you can't beat 'em, weird the fuck out of 'em. And one of the weirdest moments was when a giant, creepy glowing baby took over the field and let us know that yes, there will be creepy glowing babies in our nightmares for nights to come. That shit looked like Pinhead's baby and it didn't help that it was built like a bag of potatoes. And of course, the night's best moment came from THE QUEEN herself: "Oh, let me see if there's any fucks stuck under my nails. Nope. Fresh out of fucks." At one point, I wondered what the Opening Ceremony would look like if NYC won the bid. It would be a Michael Bay-directed 3-hour-long Pepsi commercial starring LMFAO as presidents of the past and the finale would be Oprah handing out gold medals to everyone. (Thanks, Megan) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Im Dong-Hyun, a South Korean archer who broke the first world record of the 2012 Olympics and did it all while being legally blind. This is the time when Katniss from The Hunger Games can stop humble bragging about how she's like the greatest archer who ever lived and can shoot a tiny wart hanging off of an ant's taint. Dong-Hyun has this. BBC Sports say that Dong-Hyun is registered blind, has severe myopia and has 10 percent vision in his left eye and 20 percent in his right eye. When he's 76 yards away from the target, he can only see blurred colors and even blurrier lines. Basically, he always has drunk Lohan vision. But he doesn't let that shit keep him from shooting the center of that target every single time. Dong-Hyun doesn't wear any special glasses or anything. He says that he just focuses on the bright yellow color and takes it from there. At Friday's preliminary round, Dong-Hyun not only helped his team place first, but he also beat his own 72-arrow world record with a score of 699. I don't know what that means, but obviously it's beyond impressive. I also like the score of 699, because it looks like a 69 with an extra person. Dong-Hyun told reporters that he's going for his first individual gold medal and he's so going to get it. Dong-Hyun is also on track to get the gold medal in names! I mean, "Im Dong." is just perfect on every level and if you say his full name really fast, it sort of sounds like "I'm Don Juan!" | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Elizabeth Berkley (40) (GIFs by upthebumnobabies) | |
| The Queen! Bond! Corgis! | Top |
| I know, you're just here for the Corgis. At tonight's Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book. I haven't finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I'm assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I'm also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England's official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I'm totally right. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
GOOPY Paltrow continues her obsession with poop by selling turki shit for the rock bottom, peasant price of $240. And turkis are just like turkeys, but they're fancier and exclusively from Europe or something. - Lainey Gossip That glazed look of sweaty shame on Mila Kunis' face tells me that she's definitely humping on Ashton Kutcher and she's not proud of it - The Superficial Roseanne needs to start a band and she needs to call it Aborted Chicken Fetus Anus - Towleroad I totally thought this was a still of the Joker as a nurse from The Dark Knight - Hollywood Tuna Things that still happening: RiRi being a swimsuit, RiRi being on vacation, RiRi being a drunk and RiRi being annoying through pictures - Drunken Stepfather Poke at me when somebody makes the real life version of Bianca Dupree's mansion from Beverly Hills Teens - The Berry John Travolta is ready to sword fight Tommy Girl to be Scientology's pin-up of choice - Celebitchy The Dancing with the Has-Beens: All-Has-Beens cast was announced - Just Jared And when The Lesbeaver landed, his au pair Selena Gomez made him suck off a bar of soap - ICYDK Bane. A Baby in a Bjorn. Rapping. That is all. - Videogum Hayden Christensen is really making that Star Wars money stretch - Moe Jackson Grey's Anatomy will be McSteamy-less next season - I'm Not Obsessed Mischa Barton swimsuit pictures just aren't the same without her screaming at the paps for trying to get close-ups of her cellulite - Popsugar Katy Perry's in a two piece - Popoholic They say Lady CaCa is making her acting debut in Machete Kills, but hasn't the bitch been acting this whole time? - Hollywood Rag Something tells me Bruno Mars and Windex are about to become best friends forever - Cityrag | |
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