Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Demi Moore And Martin Henderson Might Be A Thing Top

There's been rumors that Demi Moore is weepy in the heart over the Tater Sisters trying to eject her from their lives and that she's even weepier in the vagina over Ashton Kutcher moving on to Mila Kunis. But Life & Style says that if Demi is crying cold tears of NOBODY LOVES ME, then she's drying those tears on some Kiwi peen. They say that Demi has traded in sucking on whip-its for sucking on Martin Henderson, an actor type who was in The Ring, Off The Map, Brit Brit's Toxic video and is now in Demi. Sorry :/

Last week, 49-year-old Demi and 37-year-old Martin took a quick vacation to New Preston, Connecticut and a paparazzo just so happened to check his phone when her publicist texted him the exact address of where to go to get a pic of the cougar and her new piece. So the pap showed up and took pictures of Demi and Martin walking into Nine Main Bakery, where they laughed, threw sex eyes at each other and laughed some more before she did this:

"She was in line and a Colbie Caillat song came on -- she started singing along and dancing in a playful, flirty way."

Colbie Caillat?! I refuse to believe that a dick can be so good that it's got you dancing to everything and anything including a damn Colbie Caillat song. There's a reason the phrase "Dick so good it's got me dancing to a Colbie Caillat song!" doesn't exist. This is just Demi thinking she's still a 19-year-old girl dancing in her bedroom while wearing pink cotton panties. But on to more important things...

I really can not with that popped collar. It's very Punk'd days Ashton Kutcher. It wasn't acceptable then and it's not acceptable now. I just hope that Martin's collar is popped into the douche position, because his style is stuck in 2004 and not because Demi is trying to Ashtonize him. If the latter is the case, Demi needs to go back to rehab for her chronic douche addiction.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

The trailer for the new season of The Real Housewives of Miami is here and we can finally exhale now that the natural beauty of La Bruja is back in our lives - Celebuzz

Blind item solved? Jon Hamm is just out there, trolling bars, liquoring up girls and looking to have an intimate conversation with a pair of chichis - Lainey Gossip 

If Jason Trainwreck was any kind of handler, he'd take a Cheeto and smear some cheesebrows on Brit Brit's face, because she looks like some hillbilly Alien Nation shit - The Superficial  

This picture would be 300 times more gorgeous if Miley Cyrus was not in it - Drunken Stepfather 

Vulture makes Katie Holmes sound more interesting than she really is - Celebitchy

Two words: ZANNA DON'T! - Towleroad

The 90210 girls hit the beach and I wish I was talking about Brenda, Kelly and anybody but Donna - Popoholic

Is temporary blindness one of AbCuts' side effects, because that would explain why JWoww's face looks like that - Hollywood Tuna 

Gisele Bundchen either has a case of the BABIES!! or she discovered the mashed potato Slushie machine - Popsugar

Please tell me this is a mistake and Deadline just has a really funny way of spelling Aretha Franklin's name - ICYDK

I quit this bitch: Sharon Osbourne might be saying that to America's Got Talent - I'm Not Obsessed

Mimi took Jlo's job and JLo obviously took Mimi's cake - The Berry 

If you ever want a celebwhore to read your tweet, just throw some f-word-filled shade at them - SOW

Even Taylor Kitsch's freshly waxed nalgitas couldn't save Savages - (NSFW) OMG Blog

Connor Cruise got the Kid 'n Play - Just Jared

The dream job for any meth head with OCD - Videogum

Pussy wrassling! - Cityrag

You can't keep a mess with a Franketummy down for long - Hollywood Rag

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 25th! Top

via Evil Milk

 
Nutty Madam Finally Breaks Her Silence On Kristen Stewart's Cheating Ways Top

I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward.

(Thanks, Lynn)

 
Open Post: Hosted By E.T. The Warbling Walrus Top

Finally, some real vocal talent around here! E.T. (short for Ear Tingles) has been luring hundreds to the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma, WA with his melodic walrus yodel that is more soothing to the ears than anything that comes out of JLo's mouth. American Idol, X-Factor and The Voice can all go away forever now, because E.T. is the future of singing and nobody will be able to top his talent. When E.T. blows out musical notes through his walrus mouth, you can tell he's really into it, because his tiny eyes nearly pop off of his face. Do Celine Dion's eyeballs do that? I didn't think so.

Or maybe I'm totally wrong and E.T. isn't singing. Maybe E.T. is just doing a really good impersonation of John Travolta's hole during a massage. You decide which hole I'm talking about.

via Arbroath

 
Kristen Stewart Is Sorry For Cheating On Sparkle Vamp Top

No, that dyslexic butt fuck picture never gets told to me.

Kristen Stewart gave People an open letter to Robert Pattinson where she slurred out a stream of sowwies for dimming the sparkle on his nipple by letting her 41-year-old married director make out with her cooch in her parked car. The statement of words almost made my eyes roll to the left and roll to the right, so bitch definitely wrote it herself:

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Well, I love how it takes UsWeekly catching her with a pussy full of married man mouth to admit that she's humping on RPattz. Hopefully, Kristen Stewart's dumb ass learned a lesson those of us with common sense learned naturally: When you're screwing on a side trick, don't do it out in the damn open for everyone to see. Take that shit to a Super 8 motel room. That's what they're there for. Seriously, bitch can't even cheat right.

UPDATE: Rupert Sanders burped out his own statement, "I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family. My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together." And I'm pretty sure his wife is REALLY utterly distraught about the pain of knowing that her husband fucked her over with the humanized version of a skater boy's ripped-off scab.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

For many years this B- list actor who is an Academy Award winner/nominee has managed to keep his love for cross dressers and transsexuals to himself. What I mean by that is back in the day it was sort of known that he enjoyed them, but then he decided that no one would take him seriously if they found out about his secret life and he had enough issues with women in his life that the last thing he needed was talk about him also enjoying lots of other things. Lately though, his girlfriend of a few years has encouraged him to explore and has been there with him and out actor has not only enjoyed threesomes with his girlfriend and transsexuals, but also has been dressing up himself and doing so on a regular basis. He even has taken some hormones to try and get some breasts. The problem is as much as he loves doing it, he is also afraid that if they get too noticeable he won't get any film roles. The other thing is, he has had so much plastic surgery that no matter what he does or how much makeup he wears, he really does not make the most attractive woman. But, he is happy. He says he feels more free than he ever has and that because he is free he has stopped drinking and doing other drugs. (CDAN)

If more hos traded in their serious hunger for the bad shit for (NSFWish) gaffs and size 16 heels, the world would be a much more glamorous and happier place.

If it wasn't for the whole "B-list actor," "girlfriend" and "Academy Award nominee" thing, I'd say without a question mark that this is Miss Bruce Jenner, because you know he has an award-winning tuck and you know he and Pimp Mama Kris have both licked the nipple of a trans flower at the same time. (The line to get that image Magic Erased from your brain forms to the left.)

Because he's always got six layers of Playboy Pink gloss slathered on his gummy worm lips and he's usually wearing a titty-accentuating blouse from Cache, my guess is Mickey Rourke? But I am side-eying that "does not make the most attractive woman" shit, because if a Kardashian or a Tater Sister can get a cover of Cosmo, so can Mickalina Rourke.

It has now been a little over 30 days since this sibling of a trainwreck actress entered rehab. She is supposed to have been released by now, but maybe she needed more help for her issues which include an eating disorder which is caused by her addiction to some pills her sister got her hooked on. (CDAN)

Ali Lohan? An 18-year-old in rehab is considered a "late fucking bloomer" in the Lohan family.

We used to see this child out all the time with their parents. These sightings provided lots of photo ops of normal parent/child stuff, usually with the mother, but often with the father. However, lately, the child has been missing from public view. We hear it's because the child has become uncontrollable in public. They are hitting, kicking, and don't want to be touched. They have also been heard screaming at one of the parents, "You're not my real mother/father!" (Blind Gossip)

Suri is in front of a paps lens almost every single day, so this isn't her. Who ever the brat is needs to be sent to aubelita boot camp.

 
Grandma's Coming Home (UPDATE: Katherine's Out, TJ's In) Top

Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson's estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she's coming back home.

TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ's estate off their thrones and take over.  Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn't going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito's son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ's kids.

Radar says that after TJ made it clear he's going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids' legal caretaker.

Randy went on Al Sharpton's MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson's will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ's sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ's estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked "heaven," all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won't get shit.

The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, "You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!"

UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine's guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!

 
But Here's My Number, So Sext Me, Maybe? Top

Fake nekkid ass nekkid pictures of that "Call Me Maybe?" girl, Carly Rae Jepsen, have been making the rounds for the last few days, but now TMZ is saying that real and recent nekkid ass nekkid pictures of her exist and the hacker who stole them is trying to sell them to the highest bidder. Don't worry, if the pictures ever see the light of the Internet, looking at them won't make Chris Hansen slip out of your pantry to tell you to have a glass of lemonade before having a seat in the easy chair in the corner, because Carly Rae Jepsen is actually 26 years old. Bitch just acts and dresses like a 14-year-old Mickey Mouse Club reject who still draws pink hearts over all her is. But I guess that fact still makes her naked pictures every layer of NOT RIGHT.

TMZ says that back in March, Carly Rae called the Vancouver Police Department to report that an anonymous tipster told her that someone snatched pictures of her...well....snatch....from her computer. After investigating the tip, the police declared that she had been hacked and they already have their eyes focused on one possible hacker.

When these tricks start to become famous, their publicist, or whoever, should really tell them that if they don't want their nipple knobs and fuck parts wallpapered all over the Internet, they should do at least one of the following things:

1) Don't take pictures of your naked body.
2) If your ass must, keep your face out of the picture and use your finger to hit the delete button as soon as those pictures make it to their destination.
3) Change the timestamp on the camera to a date weeks before your 18th birthday, so you can at least try to play the Minka Kelly card.
4) If a piece insists on a naked picture of your ass, just do what half of the hos on Craigslists' Casual Encounters section do. Send a naked picture of some random you found on the Internet. Actually, don't do that, because nothing is worse than showing up to some hook up's apartment and finding out that instead of looking like Ryan Gosling (like he did in his picture), he looks more like current day Ryan O'Neal. And since you're such a dedicated slut, you do it anyway since you did come all that way.

And yes, like with most things in life, we can blame this on Justin Bieber.

 
This Is News: The Wife Of Kristen Stewart's Side Trick Deletes Her Twitter Account (UPDATE) Top

If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.

Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.

I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.

But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."

UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.

via E! Online

 

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