The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- What In The Craft Project Hell.....
- So Long, Andy Griffith
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 2nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- This Is News: Katie Holmes Took Her Wedding Ring Off
- Night Crumbs
- Meet The Other Pitt
- Open Post: Hosted By Bruce Jenner
- Katie Holmes Has Pink-Slipped EVERYBODY
| What In The Craft Project Hell..... | Top |
England's finest rose is a beacon of understated elegance from her "Raggedy Ann after a $2 blowout" weave to her Spalding-made titty balls to her Bad-era Michael Jackson tattoo and all the way down to her graceful hooves. And Jodie Marsh's precious feet only deserve the best, which is why she slipped them into a pair of exquisitely crafted heels that are so delicate they make Cinderella's lucite slippers look like some knock-off CROCs from Payless. Don't let anybody tell you that you can't achieve high levels of luxury with a hot glue gun, a can of gold spray paint, a couple of dead crows, a string of black Cheerios anal beads and some shit you stole from a 5th grader's diorama project on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. But seriously, what is that dark-sided shit on Jodie's feets? Those aren't shoes, they're a traveling black magic witch ceremony. I see those chicken feet voodoo dolls. Everyone around her got the heaves and they figured it was from looking at the fugness on her feet. But no, with every step Jodie took, she cast a black magic curse on them. Cleanse the blasphemy from your monitor screen with a holy water wipe. Jodie is usually the epitome of sophistication, so we shouldn't hold this one fuck-up against her. Jodie made it up to us later when she went on ITV1's This Morning and told them that she recently honored her late grandma in a very special way:
Here I was thinking that the best way to honor your grandma is by having her ashes turned into a diamond nipple ring. Leave it to Jodie Marsh to show us how a classy tribute is really done. | |
| So Long, Andy Griffith | Top |
That sound you hear is the sound of unwrapped Werther's Originals rolling across the linoleum floor after every memaw and pepaw dropped their favorite candy to cover their mouths in sadness at the news that the star of the only shows they watch has gone up to the great big Mayberry in the sky. Just a day before the Fourth of July, America has lost one of its national treasures. Andy Griffith's good friend Bill Friday tells WITN that Ben Matlock and Sheriff Andy Taylor passed away this morning in North Carolina. Andy was 86. Bill Friday says that Andy died early this morning at his home in Dare County. Most know Andy from Matlock and The Andy Griffith Show, but he was also in Waitress and Pray for the Wildcats. While reading about Andy on Wikipedia, I learned that was never nominated for an Emmy for Matlock or The AG Show. I know, pick up those Werther's and drop them again. Rest in peace, Andy Griffith. Grampa Simpson will never be the same again. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 2nd! | Top |
Only thing missing: Miley & Liam Just Married - CokeyBloke Runners-up: Disguised as part of the Cyrus family, Katie and Suri make their getaway. - Jenn F. First it was perfume, now they are letting Britney design cars? - parissucksliterally via Helen of desTroy | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The E.T. Finger Light/Anal Candle from 1982! io9 points our asses (literally) to eBay auction after eBay auction of the original E.T. Finger Light, the perfect gift for the gay Scientologist in your life. He can use it to read Scientology porn (aka Dianetics) in the dark and after he gets all hot, he can dip that Finger Light in a tub of Crisco and use it to light up his ass. E.T. probe homo. As Ryan, who sent this mess in, puts it:
It really is and that's why it's the perfect Hot Slut for Tommy's born day. Happy Birthday, Tommy! Here's hoping that John Travolta will put 50 of these E.T. dildo lights on your cake tonight. Don't forget to blow (with your no-no) and make a wish! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Tom Cruise (50) | |
| This Is News: Katie Holmes Took Her Wedding Ring Off | Top |
Somebody Photoshop a blunt in Katie Holmes' hand, because she looks like she just baked her last Thetan off. Or maybe she's just relieved that she can let out a fart without a Scientology handler running off to tell her master what it smelled like. Freedom really is farting whenever you want to. Anyway, Katie Holmes was out in NYC today after guest judging an episode of Project Runway: All-Stars 2, and her marriage finger was free of the shackle that was her wedding ring. You know that shit wasn't a wedding ring. It was a straight-up GPS tracking system. So I hope she pawned that shit and used the money to buy some new shoes. Seriously, she needs a new pair of shoes, because those ones she had on today were as ugly as three kinds of hell. They look like Chester the Cheetah's used cum rags. And that dress. I'm sure she made it out of her old Scientology prison jumpsuit. Bitch, you've freed yourself of Tommy Girl, now free yourself of bad taste. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Robert Smith or Rosie O'Donnell caught in a tornado? And yes, I'd STILL hit it. - SOW Sort of picture proof that Mila Kunis is cleansing her coochie with Ashton Kutcher's douche dick - Lainey Gossip Blake Lively's 4-year-old nephew was really laughing at her naked body because he had already seen that shit on the Internet - The Superficial The Pet Shop Boys have a new song and I'd like it a lot more if its video was nothing but Anderson Cooper sprinting out of the glass closet over and over again - Towleroad If you're on Manhunt and come across a trick with the username ButtFucking4Xenu, you now know why - Manhunt Miranda Kerr fights the hotness by bleaching her mop - Hollywood Tuna Derek Hough butches it up with his hags - Drunken Stepfather DKNY goes for the wet cardboard demographic by using Ashley Greene in their ads - The Berry Gucci goes for the boiled cauliflower demographic by using Blake NotSoLively in the ad for their new perfume - ICYDK Kelsey Grammer's fourth wife has got the "barefoot, pregnant hillbilly slaving over a hot stove" look down - Celebitchy Ireland Baldwin looks thrilled to be basking in the glow of newlywed love - Just Jared BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence pulls her own luggage - Popoholic Mimi and all the other tricks and tramps from last night's BET Awards - Popsugar Alec Baldwin quit Twitter again - I'm Not Obsessed Dear dog, please take one of those Buds. You're going to need a drink before you look at yourself in the mirror. - Cityrag Herp Inn Express coming to a town near you - Hollywood Rag Yes, Patti Stanger is still an asshole - Videogum One of the Facebook founders married a real-life Ken doll - OMG Blog | |
| Meet The Other Pitt | Top |
| Now Brad Pitt isn't the only Pitt with a foreign endorsement deal. Virgin Mobile Australia hired Brad's brother Doug Pitt to star in a new campaign that will give him a taste of his brother's lifestyle. Um. Doug gets a taste of Brad's lifestyle every year when he's flown on a private jet to Brangelina's French chateau to eat Chicken McNuggets with the child army in the private McDonald's Angie had built in the basement. But seriously, I don't know if Doug is turning up the dork all the way for show, but damn he's like equal parts Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, Brad in Burn Before Reading and every white suburban dad I've ever met. What I'm saying is that he's my new favorite Pitt. But still, am I really supposed to feel sorry for Doug? Doug has better fashion sense than Brad and if that's really his house, then he's living it up in a McMansion in a fancy ass neighborhood. Doug's chonies probably smell like the potpourri sash his wife leaves in his underwear drawer and that is called LIVING THE DREAM. Doug is doing better than fine. Come on, Virgin Mobile Australia, where's the "Meet Solange Knowles" campaign? via AdWeek | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Bruce Jenner | Top |
That's Miss Brucie, if you're nasty. Here's the real beauty of the Kardashian family sprinkling sugar on everyone's tongue with his sweet poses at an autograph signing in Bensalem, PA over the weekend. One fan asked Bruce to sign an old Wheaties box and that box might make you think that he was so, so hot before Pimp Mama Kris slurped the life out of him and replaced his soul with globs of Botox, but I disagree. Pre-plastic surgery Bruce was so bland, so boring, so generic, so TYPICAL MALE. But the plastic surgeon's scalpel opened him up into the beautiful and glamorous woman he is today. The Bruce of today can glaze a donut just by puckering at it. Everything on Bruce is perfect from his Zales diamond studs to his pulled face to his immaculate eyebrow situation to his pink-tinted lip gloss to his manicured fingers. I really want to see Bruce, Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova together in Showtime's new show, The Real L Word: The Golden Years. And since Bruce has been a full-fledged Kardashian for a while now, isn't it time for him to legally change his name already? I'm thinking Kandy Kardashian. | |
| Katie Holmes Has Pink-Slipped EVERYBODY | Top |
Right after Katie Holmes went down to the Geek Squad and had them remove all the brainwashing-viruses Scientology installed in the hard drive in her head, she pushed the enema deeper and continued to cleanse her life of all things Tommy Girl-related. TMZ says that after Katie filed for divorce and moved into her own apartment, she dropped the bodyguard and driver that Tommy assigned to her when she became his contract concubine 6 years ago. Katie also quit the publicist Tommy introduced to her and re-hired the PR firm she had before her bearding days. Bitch is seriously flushing the shit from her life like colon-obsessor GOOPY Paltrow on any day of the week. TMZ says that Katie shot an episode of Project Runway All-Stars (yes, ANOTHER Project Runway All-stars) in NYC today and she showed up with a whole new team of bodyguards and a different driver. Some source says that Katie let go of her old bodyguards, because their in Tommy's corner, obviously. Instead of firing her old bodyguards, Katie should've just poured holy water over their Scientology-made robot heads and softly cackled as their power grids malfunctioned before they shut down completely. That way all the data they collected on her in their hard drives would be lost FOREVER! Some people have been saying that Katie gladly signed a bearding contract years ago and knew what kind of crazy she was getting into, so what happened for her to suddenly bolt? Well, TMZ says that Tommy really wanted to ship Suri off to Sea Org, which is like a Scientology boarding school where they brainwash the children into believing the words of a science fiction writer. The kids are sent to live there at the age of 6 and parents are not allowed. Katie got out of there to save Suri's soooooouuuul. You know, those crazy Scientology bitches would probably have more members if they accepted kids as young as 2 into that Sea Org mess. Yes, brainwashing a kid at any age is wrong, but have you ever spent some time with a terrible two year old? They'll drive you to pick up the phone, dial 1-800-GET-XENU and say, "Hey Scientology, tell me about this Sea Org shit..." | |
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