The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Here's A Half-Naked Zac Efron Dancing With A Skanky Nicole Kidman In The Rain
- RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon's Laura Ashley Curtains
- Macaulay Culkin Is Hooked On Heroin, So Says The Enquirer
- John Travolta Has A New Best Friend
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 31st!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn't Like Pippa Middleton's Face
- Night Crumbs
- B. Coop As The Elephant Man
| Here's A Half-Naked Zac Efron Dancing With A Skanky Nicole Kidman In The Rain | Top |
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies. A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care: | |
| RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon's Laura Ashley Curtains | Top |
If you live in Ojai, CA and are wondering why all the grocery stores are out of Entenmann's devil's food cake, raw cookie dough logs and tubs of cream cheese frosting, it's because RPattz bought all of it and is sitting on Reese Witherspoon's living room floor trying to drown his hurt emotions with gallons and gallons of artificially sweetened carbs while cry singing along to "Bust Your Windows." Since every tabloid wants to turn this Kristen Stewart and RPattz break-up into the worst and saddest episode of The Love Boat by dropping in cameos from a bunch of Hollywood stars, both People and UsWeekly say that Reese Witherspoon is letting him mend his broken heart in her fancy Ojai ranch. RPattz and Reese became friends while shooting Agua Para Elefantes and so when Kristen Stewart punched the glitter out of his heart by doing dry butt sex with that married director, Reese gave him the keys to her $7 million Ojai vacation ranch to hide out in. KStew has been calling RPattz to beg him to take her cheating whore ass back, but he doesn't want to hear it. Basically, he's saying Ojbai in Ojai. (I know, I need to stop.) Here's what UsWeekly has to say about this mess:
Oh, please. RPattz should be squee-ing into his bong now that he's free of that bland bitch. More pot for him! RPattz should also be happy that he's rich, can take time off and has rich friends with fancy ass country houses for him to be all sad in. RPattz doesn't know what it's like to be heartbroken and all out of sick days to use. It sucks sitting in your cubicle, under fluorescent lighting, the morning after your shit got dumped or you found out your ho cheated on you. Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling. If RPattz running off to Reese's ranch isn't just another stunt move in this possible stunt of all stunts, then I hope she has farm animals there. And I hope that some of those farm animals are goats (no, I'm not about turn this into a story about goat rebound sex, so no need to flinch), and I hope that some of those goats are jumping goats. Because nothing turns a frown into an awwwww like a bitchy, racist, drop-kicking baby goat: Wait. Do baby goats bite their lips? If they do and RPattz sees this, then Entenmann's better back up their truck directly into Reese's driveway, because it's going to be a long weekend. Here's pictures from Elle Decor of Reese's ranch. Shit looks like Pottery Barn's snobby cousin (let's call it Marble Barn) farted all up in there. | |
| Macaulay Culkin Is Hooked On Heroin, So Says The Enquirer | Top |
"Nope." is basically what Macaulay Culkin's rep said earlier this year when asked if he was sick in a bad way or if he was bitten by a zombie. Macaulay's rep was asked those questions after pictures of him looking like a shriveled turtle starring in a remake of The Machinist made the rounds. Macaulay's rep added that he was perfectly healthy and nothing's wrong, but according to The National Enquirer (via Radar), there's a whole lot of wrong going on in Macaulay's life. The Enquirer claims that Macaulay has turned his apartment into a bad shit paradise and he spends most of his days in there getting high by himself or with a circle of junkie friends. ("Let me know when you need a subletter, Mac!" - Lindsay Lohan) The Enquirer's source says a huge piece of his Home Alone money, $6,000 a month to be exact, goes to buy his two drugs of choice: heroin and oxycodone. The source went on to say that shit has gone from "serious" to "really serious" to "no, seriously, this is a man down code 10 situation," because Macaulay has overdosed twice and his closest friends are afraid he'll soon be moonwalking on the clouds in heaven with his old friend Michael Jackson.
"I was so shocked and concerned about seeing him shoot dragon chasing-syrup into his veins that I immediately picked up the phone and dialed the number 800-725-0000. No, that's not the number for an addiction treatment helpline. That's the number to The National Enquirer's 'dollas 4 tips' line." Just like last time, Macaulay's lawyers deny all of this and says he has never overdosed. Meanwhile, Macaulay's old girlfriend, Mila Kunis, is off in Bali gargling the rotten douche cream that spits out of Ashton Kutcher's whore dick. Mila, stop being gross, drop the douche and get your bitch ass to NYC to force Macaulay to star in a real-life reboot of Home Alone called Rehab Alone, because this is not the way Kevin McCallister's story is supposed to go. | |
| John Travolta Has A New Best Friend | Top |
A little over a week ago, JLo's leased piece Casper the Friendly Gold Digger was caught by a pap's lens sashaying into a peep show on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. Many of us figured that either Casper was there to live out his dancer dreams of recreating Madonna's "Open Your Heart" video for strange men or it was just a staged STUNT QUEEN stunt to stroke away the gay rumors. But Star and InTouchWeekly say neither of those are the reason why Casper found a way to slip out of the toddler leash that his sugar master JLo is always holding on to. Star says Casper was just doing a little gay glory hole trolling and InTouch says he was just getting the John Travolta special from a WOMAN! That tingle you feel dancing around your ear holes is the glory hole gays cackling at that last part. Let's get InTouch's story out of the way first. Bibi, a worker at an appointment-only exotic massage parlor in the building Casper went into that day, says that JLo's paid toy was there to get his body worked on and he was only there for around 10 minutes. Bibi didn't say if she's the one who put her fingers on JLo's ho, but she did say that he's "a nice man. He has strong muscles." Don, who works below the parlor at the gay peen show (on purpose typo), co-signed Bibi's claim and says that he's seen Casper going in to get a massage at least twice this month. JLo's spokeswhore denies all of this and says that he was just there to get a tattoo on his finger. More like he was just there to get a finger in his toot, which leads me to Star's story... One of the gay peep show regular's told Star that he has definitely seen Casper use his allowance money to get into the peep show and he was probably there for more than just a level 1 Fred Willard:
JLo's spokeswhore jumped in and said Casper does not make out with peens and the hos spreading the gay rumors are just jealous. First of all, will somebody please print out the exact location of that peep show and give it to Fred Willard, so he has a quiet place in NYC to furiously hand hug his pepaw chorizo without worrying about the damn police screwing with his fap time. Second of all, whatever the truth may be, John Travolta is still going to slip a note in Casper's mailbox at the Scientology Center inviting him to the men's sauna meet (John's Scientolohole) and greet (it with his peen). Here's a few pictures of JLo and her piece on her birthday. It was nice of that selfish heffa to give Casper a quick massage right there in front of the paps, but I'm sure he's thinking to himself, "Um...can you go a little lower and also, somewhere between my shoulders and b-hole, can you magically transform your lady hands into man hands?" | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 31st! | Top |
No matter what scientists try, they cannot find an active brain cell in Kris Humphries brain. - Eileenie McMeanie Runners-up: All I need is Doritos in a feeding tube and a diaper-changing service and I'm set for life. - turnelbup It'll be a cold day in hell when I pay $17 for a 3D movie!! - longduckdong The Dr. Kervorkian "Death by Meme" Machine. - citizenstrange via Evil Milk | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Fabio Scozzoli, the Italian Olympic swimmer who can turn himself into a human stingray with nipple eyes just by lifting his arms! Debbie Phelps might be having a Chico's kind of day | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Demián Bichir (49) | |
| QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn't Like Pippa Middleton's Face | Top |
Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:
Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK". Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn't like her face then that means he'll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins...... | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Snoop Dogg thinks he's the reincarnation of Bob Marley, has quit hip hop and is recording a reggae album as Snoop Lion. In other words, Snoop got beyond blazed while watching The Lion King with The Wailers blasting in the background - The Hollywood Reporter Somebody tell Taylor Swift to Google "Kennedy curse" - Lainey Gossip Brad Pitt needs to paste that bushy stache over his eyes if he wants to nail his JR Ewing impersonation - Popsugar For the 50 millionth year in a row, Vanity Fair has done a wrong by not naming Shauna Sand as their best dressed of the year - Celebitchy Please tell me that a second after this picture was taken, Miley Cyrus' dog lifted his leg on her skirt - Drunken Stepfather Today's lesson from Christina Milian: When the paparazzi won't return your calls, just tweet your own swimsuit pictures - Hollywood Tuna This is best viewed with the mute button on - Towleroad "At least I'm not doing men in the bathroom all night long, slut pig!" - Kim Richards - The Superficial That motorcycle is staring at Olivia Munn's ass - Popoholic Jared Padalecki with child - ICYDK BREAKING: Tommy Girl makes Suri Cruise walk on her own. "Happiest place on Earth" my ass - Just Jared SamRo feels Katy Perry's pain - IDLYITW Cuba Gooding Jr. is wanted, which is not something you hear often - Celebslam Julianne Hough + Josh Duhamel + Nicholas Sparks = unflavored cheese - The Berry Hermione Granger is not going to get tied up and slapped around - Videogum Falcor Rimes' endodontist did us all wrong by not sewing her much shut when they had the chance - Hollywood Rag 1975: Where nightmares go for inspiration - Cityrag Why the children of Austria were running from the town center while screaming about how The Grinch has arrived really early to steal Christmas - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| B. Coop As The Elephant Man | Top |
I went to Williamstown, MA a couple of weekends ago, because every now and again I like to trade in my nightly routine of getting drunk in my underwear on my couch for getting drunk in my swim panties on a patch of grass in the country somewhere. And I also went, because my gay gene compelled me to see a Sharon Tate-ized Leslie Bibb as a bimbo in a Neil Simon play. While I was there, some goat-footed, wheezy old theater queens (aka me in five years) in the lobby kept slobbering on and on about how Bradley Cooper has been a revelation during rehearsals for The Elephant Man. Then they said something about how B. Coop is only wearing old-timey chonies for a small chunk of the play. That was all I needed to hear to run to the box office and say, "One ticket for next week's opening night of The Elephant Mens, please." A bunch of whores had the same idea as me, because I was denied a ticket and told the entire run sold out in a quick second. Boo. Well, now I'm really booing at not getting a ticket, because here's some pictures of B. Coop pushing out some serious raw emotions in The Elephant Man and I need to see all this WTF-ness live and in motion. The dude who plays Joseph Merrick in The Elephant Man never wears prosthetics, because the playwright Bernard Pomerance wanted everything to be communicated through physical acting stuff. But I think Bernard Pomerance was a future see-er and just really wanted the world to see B. Coop making an "Andy Cohen rocking out to Journey" face, among many others. Just give B. Coop all the Tonys already. Bonus: Here's a picture of Bowie in a loin cloth as Merrick. | |
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