The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Horny People Of Walmart
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 1st!
- Open Post: Hosted By GOOPY's Boss Nuit Commercial
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Here's A Half-Naked Zac Efron Dancing With A Skanky Nicole Kidman In The Rain
- RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon's Laura Ashley Curtains
- Macaulay Culkin Is Hooked On Heroin, So Says The Enquirer
- John Travolta Has A New Best Friend
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 31st!
| Horny People Of Walmart | Top |
You know those people at the grocery store who eat the grapes in the fruit section, because they say they need to sample the goods before buying? (Don't shake your head no. I know you have a relative who does that. We all have a relative who does that.) Well, that's basically what 35-year-old Tina Gianakon and 22-year-old Julian Call were doing at a Walmart in Kansas on Sunday night. Except they weren't sampling grapes, they were sampling KY instead. The Smoking Gun says that Tina and Julian were just doing what most couples do on a Sunday night in Kansas: they were strolling the aisles of Walmart looking for some sex syrup to sample. After they settled on a tube of KY, they squirted a little of that sticky fun in their hands and started making a cleanup on aisle 12. You'd think that the least offensive thing in a Walmart is the sight of two horny hos openly fondling each other, but I guess it must've been a slow night for foolery. Because somebody called the police. Fred Willard feels their orgasm-blocking pain. The cops showed up, double gloved up, picked stray pube hairs off of Tina's hand and then put the both of them in handcuffs. Tina and Julian were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior (that's legal talk for "hand boning each other in the middle of a Walmart") and theft for stealing that KY tube. This is an injustice! If you can't jack your piece off with stolen lube in the middle of a Walmart, where can you jack them off? It's Walmart's fault for being filled with so much sexy (see: POW). Being in a Walmart just makes your hand want to do the back and forth slip 'n slide on a peen. I mean, why do you think the Walmart smiley face is always smiling? Uh huh. It's fapping right there in the middle of the aisle all day, every day. Rollback....and forth. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
The Mighty Oprah shows off her real hair for the first time. So in this picture, Oprah's hair is made from nature and Oprah's face is made from Photoshop - ICYDK Prince Hot Ginge is a plushie and that is the luckiest stuffed toy kangaroo in the world - Lainey Gossip My new favorite game: gay porn or Olympics? - Buzzfeed Drunktina is the new Sally Struthers - The Superficial In the picture on the left, Mila Kunis sort of looks like she's trying to suckle on Ashton Kutcher's nipple - Popsugar Gore Vidal has passed away and I hope that Hollywood honors him forever by never ever making a remake of the masterpiece that is Myra Breckinridge - Towleroad The tacky 30,000 square foot Hampton's mansion that Beyonce and Jay-Z are renting might seem a little much until I tell you that she's bringing her entire stock of vacation wigs with her - The Berry Aunt Janet Jackson wants you all to know that she never slapped Paris Jackson - Celebitchy Well, at least we now know that Miley Cyrus bathes sometimes - Hollywood Tuna This pretty much what I do all day too - OMG Blog And now Jodie Foster is making a cameo in Cheatlight: Breaking Robsten - Hollywood Rag My guess is Robert DeNiro and Justin Bieber - Cityrag Katy Perry's Elle cover reminds me of that She-Ra episode where Glimmer wore a purple wig - Just Jared I know I'm not smiling at the fact that Posh's Glamour cover gave me shades of Audrey Hepburn. Shame on me. - I'm Not Obsessed So this is what Arrested Development has been up to - Crunk + Disorderly Bar Refaeli in a lace catsuit on a grass court, because why not? - Popoholic | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 1st! | Top |
via I Heart Chaos | |
| Open Post: Hosted By GOOPY's Boss Nuit Commercial | Top |
| You're not the only one who read that as Boss Nut. Boss Nut sounds like something John Travola would be the face of. Anyway, every now and again we're reminded that GOOPY Paltrow is just like us and sometimes she has to do things to keep a $5,000 bottle of vintage Italian wine and a crystal bowl full of caviar-stuffed truffles on her custom made table that costs more than all of your student loans combined. Case in point: Here's GOOPY peddling to the poors in a new commercial for Boss Nuit. She really is the greatest actress of our time, because notice how she doesn't immediately scream at her assistant to hose her off with the distilled amniotic fluid of a beluga whale after she sprayed herself with that low-budget stank water. And I heard that throughout the entire shoot, she somehow kept herself from breaking down and crying over the fact that she's actually starring in a commercial for a perfume that's sold at Macy's! She is so brave. If GOOPY can do this, we can do anything! But I am side-eyeing Hugo Boss. I mean, "pour femme." Kick a GOOP while she's down, why don't you? Couldn't they have changed it from "pour femme" to "riche femme"? Cold bitches. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
Which openly gay TV personality ONLY hires good-looking 20-something assistants that look exactly like Zac Efron? The hunky guy is in a serious relationship, but he loves eye candy and will dismiss applicants for being female, in their 30s, or – God forbid – chubby! (The National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
What superstar fashion mogul put a piece of cardboard under her shirt on the set of her show to give her the appearance of a flat tummy? Says an insider:"She was really struggling with her weight, so she was looking for any help she could get!" (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)
What Bravo "Housewife" was nibbling on a salad in a dark booth at Dan Tana's in Hollywood with a mystery man when she was caught with the gentleman's hand up her dress? The leggy single mom played dumb and just ignored the other patrons when they complained about her inappropriate table manners! (The National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
This actress would love for you to all believe that she is without fault. Her sudden rise to A listedness has made all her dreams come true but she spends half her time trying to juggle all the skeletons in her closet. Nobody really ever paid attention to her until recently so she has been trying to cover all the really controversial things she has done and now pretends they don't exist. The threesomes she used to have very weekend? Those women have been paid off. Swapping? Our actress has done it and those people have been hired by her as consultants. All that coke she used to snort like candy with her boyfriend at their parties? Now they do it quietly at home. The drug deals she used to make? Oh yeah. One of the world's A list actresses is a big time drug dealer. That is one thing that has not changed. She has just passed off some of the work to those who worked under her before. She is no stranger to the drug business. It makes sense if you think about it. She is still there, behind the scenes and making the decisions. (CDAN)
Which male musician isn't telling his high-profile girlfriend that he previously had a gay affair with a well-known male fashion designer? (Page Six)
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| Here's A Half-Naked Zac Efron Dancing With A Skanky Nicole Kidman In The Rain | Top |
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies. A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care: | |
| RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon's Laura Ashley Curtains | Top |
If you live in Ojai, CA and are wondering why all the grocery stores are out of Entenmann's devil's food cake, raw cookie dough logs and tubs of cream cheese frosting, it's because RPattz bought all of it and is sitting on Reese Witherspoon's living room floor trying to drown his hurt emotions with gallons and gallons of artificially sweetened carbs while cry singing along to "Bust Your Windows." Since every tabloid wants to turn this Kristen Stewart and RPattz break-up into the worst and saddest episode of The Love Boat by dropping in cameos from a bunch of Hollywood stars, both People and UsWeekly say that Reese Witherspoon is letting him mend his broken heart in her fancy Ojai ranch. RPattz and Reese became friends while shooting Agua Para Elefantes and so when Kristen Stewart punched the glitter out of his heart by doing dry butt sex with that married director, Reese gave him the keys to her $7 million Ojai vacation ranch to hide out in. KStew has been calling RPattz to beg him to take her cheating whore ass back, but he doesn't want to hear it. Basically, he's saying Ojbai in Ojai. (I know, I need to stop.) Here's what UsWeekly has to say about this mess:
Oh, please. RPattz should be squee-ing into his bong now that he's free of that bland bitch. More pot for him! RPattz should also be happy that he's rich, can take time off and has rich friends with fancy ass country houses for him to be all sad in. RPattz doesn't know what it's like to be heartbroken and all out of sick days to use. It sucks sitting in your cubicle, under fluorescent lighting, the morning after your shit got dumped or you found out your ho cheated on you. Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling. If RPattz running off to Reese's ranch isn't just another stunt move in this possible stunt of all stunts, then I hope she has farm animals there. And I hope that some of those farm animals are goats (no, I'm not about turn this into a story about goat rebound sex, so no need to flinch), and I hope that some of those goats are jumping goats. Because nothing turns a frown into an awwwww like a bitchy, racist, drop-kicking baby goat: Wait. Do baby goats bite their lips? If they do and RPattz sees this, then Entenmann's better back up their truck directly into Reese's driveway, because it's going to be a long weekend. Here's pictures from Elle Decor of Reese's ranch. Shit looks like Pottery Barn's snobby cousin (let's call it Marble Barn) farted all up in there. | |
| Macaulay Culkin Is Hooked On Heroin, So Says The Enquirer | Top |
"Nope." is basically what Macaulay Culkin's rep said earlier this year when asked if he was sick in a bad way or if he was bitten by a zombie. Macaulay's rep was asked those questions after pictures of him looking like a shriveled turtle starring in a remake of The Machinist made the rounds. Macaulay's rep added that he was perfectly healthy and nothing's wrong, but according to The National Enquirer (via Radar), there's a whole lot of wrong going on in Macaulay's life. The Enquirer claims that Macaulay has turned his apartment into a bad shit paradise and he spends most of his days in there getting high by himself or with a circle of junkie friends. ("Let me know when you need a subletter, Mac!" - Lindsay Lohan) The Enquirer's source says a huge piece of his Home Alone money, $6,000 a month to be exact, goes to buy his two drugs of choice: heroin and oxycodone. The source went on to say that shit has gone from "serious" to "really serious" to "no, seriously, this is a man down code 10 situation," because Macaulay has overdosed twice and his closest friends are afraid he'll soon be moonwalking on the clouds in heaven with his old friend Michael Jackson.
"I was so shocked and concerned about seeing him shoot dragon chasing-syrup into his veins that I immediately picked up the phone and dialed the number 800-725-0000. No, that's not the number for an addiction treatment helpline. That's the number to The National Enquirer's 'dollas 4 tips' line." Just like last time, Macaulay's lawyers deny all of this and says he has never overdosed. Meanwhile, Macaulay's old girlfriend, Mila Kunis, is off in Bali gargling the rotten douche cream that spits out of Ashton Kutcher's whore dick. Mila, stop being gross, drop the douche and get your bitch ass to NYC to force Macaulay to star in a real-life reboot of Home Alone called Rehab Alone, because this is not the way Kevin McCallister's story is supposed to go. | |
| John Travolta Has A New Best Friend | Top |
A little over a week ago, JLo's leased piece Casper the Friendly Gold Digger was caught by a pap's lens sashaying into a peep show on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. Many of us figured that either Casper was there to live out his dancer dreams of recreating Madonna's "Open Your Heart" video for strange men or it was just a staged STUNT QUEEN stunt to stroke away the gay rumors. But Star and InTouchWeekly say neither of those are the reason why Casper found a way to slip out of the toddler leash that his sugar master JLo is always holding on to. Star says Casper was just doing a little gay glory hole trolling and InTouch says he was just getting the John Travolta special from a WOMAN! That tingle you feel dancing around your ear holes is the glory hole gays cackling at that last part. Let's get InTouch's story out of the way first. Bibi, a worker at an appointment-only exotic massage parlor in the building Casper went into that day, says that JLo's paid toy was there to get his body worked on and he was only there for around 10 minutes. Bibi didn't say if she's the one who put her fingers on JLo's ho, but she did say that he's "a nice man. He has strong muscles." Don, who works below the parlor at the gay peen show (on purpose typo), co-signed Bibi's claim and says that he's seen Casper going in to get a massage at least twice this month. JLo's spokeswhore denies all of this and says that he was just there to get a tattoo on his finger. More like he was just there to get a finger in his toot, which leads me to Star's story... One of the gay peep show regular's told Star that he has definitely seen Casper use his allowance money to get into the peep show and he was probably there for more than just a level 1 Fred Willard:
JLo's spokeswhore jumped in and said Casper does not make out with peens and the hos spreading the gay rumors are just jealous. First of all, will somebody please print out the exact location of that peep show and give it to Fred Willard, so he has a quiet place in NYC to furiously hand hug his pepaw chorizo without worrying about the damn police screwing with his fap time. Second of all, whatever the truth may be, John Travolta is still going to slip a note in Casper's mailbox at the Scientology Center inviting him to the men's sauna meet (John's Scientolohole) and greet (it with his peen). Here's a few pictures of JLo and her piece on her birthday. It was nice of that selfish heffa to give Casper a quick massage right there in front of the paps, but I'm sure he's thinking to himself, "Um...can you go a little lower and also, somewhere between my shoulders and b-hole, can you magically transform your lady hands into man hands?" | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 31st! | Top |
No matter what scientists try, they cannot find an active brain cell in Kris Humphries brain. - Eileenie McMeanie Runners-up: All I need is Doritos in a feeding tube and a diaper-changing service and I'm set for life. - turnelbup It'll be a cold day in hell when I pay $17 for a 3D movie!! - longduckdong The Dr. Kervorkian "Death by Meme" Machine. - citizenstrange via Evil Milk | |
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