The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Michael Lohan Is A-OK With His Daughter's "Playboy" Spread
- Open Post: Hosted By The World's Youngest Toilet Aficionado
- Bitch Got Sued: The Lady CaCa Edition
- What Would Eminem Say?
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Simon Cowell's Succulent Fur Tit Pies Wish You A Very Merry Christmas
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- And Several Mid-To-Late 30-Something Women Just Creamed Their Hanes Her Ways
| Michael Lohan Is A-OK With His Daughter's "Playboy" Spread | Top |
Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: "What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?"). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction? It's the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They're going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we're worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people? It would have to be this guy, right? Fuck, no. It's going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we'll all die screaming cuz' of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole. Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers show (Pinsky's become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men's Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan's life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play "doting father of celebrity fuckup" in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.
Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter's Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a "move" that's positive because it means she's "working". Yes, she's showing the maximum effort. Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan's sea jasper use and her getting involved with "the wrong people". Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you. Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.
Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is "Cunt"? Romance. This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The World's Youngest Toilet Aficionado | Top |
| The wine in Italy tastes like the jizz of the angels to me, so I've been drinking that shit by the bottle full. So last night when I came to my temporary home with the hazies in my head and a bladder about to explode, I stumbled into the bathroom and was about to shoot a stream of golden relief into a strange, guitar-shaped toilet when I realized that shit was a bidet! It's a fountain for your stank parts. It's not for pissing. What I'm trying to say is that if 4-year-old Dustin Kruses loses his figurative shit over toilets, imagine how he'd freak out over an ass faucet? His mother would have to hold the back of his head to make sure his mind didn't blow across the bathroom. via Buzzfeed | |
| Bitch Got Sued: The Lady CaCa Edition | Top |
There are a million things Lady Copy Paste should be sued for including (but not limited to) copyright infringement, grand theft thievery, illegally cloning Madge's career, creating a hybrid strain of yeast infection and salmonella (yeastonella?) and viciously decapitating an entire tribe of Kermits, but one of her former assistants has chosen to sue her Mermaid Touring Company for being forced to do the job she was hired to do without getting paid overtime. The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer O'Neill was overworked by CaCa and slaved away doing all sorts of fucked up shit during 13 months of the Monster Ball World Tour. The fucked up shit Jennifer was forced to do did not including breaking into Grace Jones' house to Xerox copy her entire wardrobe. Jennifer wasn't even asked to ice CaCa's tuck or steal an outfit for her off of a sailor nun's back (see pics of CaCa at JFK below). Jennifer claims in her lawsuit that she had to act as CaCa's personal alarm clock to keep her on schedule and once had to hand her naked ass a towel when she came out of the shower. Yes, Slave Master CaCa forced Jennifer to do regular personal assistant shit. CaCa is a regular old Mister. Although, if I had to hand CaCa's naked carcass a towel, I'd probably slip face first and fall on my tortured eyeballs to stop them from burning. But the biggest complaint in Jennifer's lawsuit is that she was never paid overtime. Jennifer was paid $75,000 for the tour, but she says she's owed more than $380,000 for 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime. When I try to do the math in my head, my brain curls into a fetal position and I automatically want to doodle pictures of peens on a Pee Chee folder just like I did in junior high math class. So I had to do the math on a calculator and if Jennifer is telling the truth, then she worked around 138 hours of overtime in one week. That means the bitch barely closed her eyes to slip into a sleep and her veins must naturally pump out meth if she was able to go on that long without sleeping. It does make sense, though. You try sleeping while CaCa's loudly chanting to the Illuminati demon lords in the next room. The court has heard all the facts and we hereby declare that CaCa is GUILTY! Take away her copy paste function and string the bitch up! | |
| What Would Eminem Say? | Top |
Dido's name is an "l" away from being Dildo and her music has always sounded like a white girl Sade to me, so I had not one bad thing to say about her ass until now. The only esteemed news source of truth I trust, the Daily Mail, says that Dido birthed out a baby boy last July and she has named him Stanley. As in Stan, as in that Enimen song about a crazed murderous stalker, which samples her song, Thank You. I see what you did there, Dido! I also see her little son Stanley cooing this out in his crib: "Aaaaand Iiiiiiii want to thank you….for giving me the worst naaaaame of my liiii-iiiii-iiiiife." According to the Daily Mail, Baby Stan is Dido's first baby friend with her husband of 2 years Rohan Gavin. They've been living a shush life somewhere in North London together. Okay, I was joking about the "one bad thing to say" shit. Maybe it's because I'm running on 2 hours of sleep and prosecco bubbles are powering whatever is left of my brain, but this shit is pulling the laughs out from my ass. Dido named her son Stan knowing that every bitch would think she named him after a song about an Eminem stalker. I'm sure Dido and Baby Stan will laugh about this as soon as he's old enough to understand fuckery. Let's just hope they aren't laughing about it while she's tied up in his trunk and he's about to drive the car into the river. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Faye Dunaway - Yea, yea, Network, Chinatown and The Great Gatsby are all fine, but everybody knows Faye's greatest works are Dunston Checks In, The Temp, Supergirl and her judging spot on The Starlet. Remember that shit, where Faye and Vivica Fox judged a bunch of wanna be actresses for a role on One Tree Hill? The girl that won ended up working at the American Girl cafe, last I heard. Anyway, Faye is known for being a grade A bitch! She left this voicemail to some guy a few years ago, because she was pissed at a reporter for just wanting to speak the truth and talk about what | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jared Leto (40) | |
| Simon Cowell's Succulent Fur Tit Pies Wish You A Very Merry Christmas | Top |
You hiding out in the back of your closet while eating ham wrapped around broken pieces of candy cane to keep the dealing-with-your-family-induced drunk barfs down is a holiday tradition and so is me posting pictures of Simon Cowell's luscious German Shepherd tits. Every Christmas, Ryan Gaycrest's main homegirl goes over to Barbados to feed the stray island dogs with the 100% whole leche that shoots out of his nipples holes when he flexes his dough ball chichis. Don't you just want to get naked and roll all around Simon's fluffy rug breasts, or do whatever the hell you do on a bearskin rug? I was about to say, don't you want you to titty fuck Simon, but how are you going to explain those rug burns on your genitals to your free clinic technician? It really wouldn't be the holidays without a visit from Simon's double calzones of furry fun. And with that, I wish all of your asses a Merry Christmas. Or as they say in Italy, Buon Natale! Or as I say when I butcher that shit, Bone Natalie! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey! Those stop motion animations from the 1970s are pretty much my personal bible when it comes to all things Christmas, so to me Nestor is the reason why celebrate Christmas in the first place! If it wasn't for Nestor's Tommy Lee condom-sized ears, there would be no Nestor. If there was no Nestor, then there would be no Tilly the Angel who looks like an inbred Ashlee Simpson impersonator. If there was no Tilly, then there would be no an angel to tell a bitch to use his long dong ears to hear the sounds that will guide him on a path that's straight and true. If there wasn't a bitch who used his long dong ears to hear the sounds that will guide on a path that's straight and true, then Mary's knocked up ass would've never gotten to Bethlehem. If Mary's knocked up ass never got to Bethlehem, then Jesus would've been born in the middle of absolutely nowhere. If Jesus would've been born in the middle of absolutely nowhere, then we probably wouldn't celebrate his birfday by buying each other Starbucks gift cards and getting so fucked up drunk that the bottom of the Christmas tree seems like a perfectly comfortable place to take a damn nap. So we should thank Nestor for EVERYTHING! Do a shot of something mind altering out of an extra-long lady condom in Nestor's honor and then sing this song: Merry Christmas to one slut and to all sluts! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Annie Lennox (57) | |
| And Several Mid-To-Late 30-Something Women Just Creamed Their Hanes Her Ways | Top |
I don't know about you, but if I was a junior high school girl circa 1987, I would be experiencing my first downtown moistening after seeing these pics of New Jersey's finest - Jon Bon Jovi - showing off the bod. Can you tell I've had an entire bottle of champagne, two White Russians, and three shots of Bailey's in CHOCOLATE CUPS YOU CAN EAT? It's like a fat drunk's greatest fantasy - a shot of booze YOU JUST STUFF IN YOUR MAW. And to the commentator who snarked that Boston can't be a drinking city because we don't have a legal happy hour - think again, chief. We work around that shit. Jon is shooting us down in a blaze of glory by showing off his middle-aged millionaire bod on the beach at St. Bart's. Rich people have a lot of time on their hands. So much time that photographing kelp is a cherished pastime. Seriously, all Jon Bon has to do is tour every five years and shit out an album with a passable adult contemporary single and money falls on his face. That's a hot job. | |
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