The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- These Two Are Finally Engaged
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Wookie Kardashian Is Kinda...Hot?!?
- Where's The Peen?
- God Won't Let Maria Leave Ahnold
- She's A Really Good Sport
- Michael Lohan Is A-OK With His Daughter's "Playboy" Spread
- Open Post: Hosted By The World's Youngest Toilet Aficionado
- Bitch Got Sued: The Lady CaCa Edition
| These Two Are Finally Engaged | Top |
Because your Facebook feed isn't already filled with a bunch of sappy bitches slobbering over how their pieces went to Jared and slipped an engagement ring on their finger over the Christmas holiday, here's another one to keep your heaves going. No, this isn't a picture of Blanket Jackson getting the life sucked out of him by a Dr. Evil on roids. It's everyone's favorite bongo-playing stoner Matthew McConaughey kissing on the mother of his 2 chirruns, Camila Alves, after proposing to her on Christmas Day. Today, the definition of "precious" is the image of Matthew getting down on one knee, pulling out a shiny marijuana leaf ring and trying to put it on Camila's finger with those tiny T-Rex arms of his. I bet bitch couldn't reach and had to use a grabber. Matthew Twatted this afterward: Just asked camila to marry me, #MerryChristmas Matthew and Camile have a 3-year-old son named Levi and an almost 2-year-old named Vida, so some whores are saying throwing these two a "WHY BOTHER?!" side-eye. But just because they already made two baby friends together doesn't mean they no longer have the right to ruin each other's lives by getting married! So I say, congratulations, and I also say, DAMN FUCK THAT'S A BIG ASS HEAD. It's almost like a Kardashian goiter. via UsWeekly | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Buddy Hinton - Remember this bitch? He used to taunt Cindy Brady about her lisp until Peter shut him the fuck up by knocking his teeth out. Do you really blame Buddy? Cindy was pretty fucking annoying and basically couldn't talk. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Chyna (40) | |
| Wookie Kardashian Is Kinda...Hot?!? | Top |
While MK is busy scarfing down some fine Italian cuisine (your mind WOULD go there, sucio!), J. Harvey and I will be here doing our best to keep the beautiful Dlisted train from going off the rails. Graffiti totally counts as fine art, so don't even go there. MK sent me a link from Socialite Life to this pic Khloe Kardashian posted on her website, looking pretty and skinny and BLOND several Christmases ago. (Note: my computer choked on the words "Khloe" and "pretty" in the same sentence and I had to re-start the bitch three times.) This was apparently before the whole "dye my hair to look like my sisters so no one will know my mom was a complete ho and fucked around on the guy I thought was my dad" phase. I have to say, she looks good as a blond...computer, NO!! Choke it down, bitch. She's actually the only one of those hos that I have any respect for (hang in there hard drive) since she doesn't take herself too seriously and seems kind of human. Enjoy tearing this pic of Khloe to shredded shreds while I resuscitate my pc with booze and bong hits. | |
| Where's The Peen? | Top |
Here's the first pic from the upcoming male stripper epic Magic Mike. This is lame, Steven Soderbergh. The only person missing a shirt is that stoned guy. This better just be the start of something filthy. If David Fincher can do THAT to Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (omg, rape scene), you can slap multiple dicks in our faces. We're going to need realism. There better be some scenes of these dicks go-going down at the gay bar for extra scratch, and letting the occasional 'mo blow them for drugs. I'm gonna need some buttcheeks in American flag thongs, and guys who can suck their own dick to scare the bachelorette parties before this shit gets signed off on. There better be dudes debating calf implants and shaving each other's assholes. This is supposedly Channing Tatum's life story, by the way. I'm also signing on for this because I want to fuck him. Yeah, he looks like he's carved from Mortadella and has a permanent herp derp to his mug but I still want to slap it around some. Don't look at me like that. | |
| God Won't Let Maria Leave Ahnold | Top |
Damn, was she on the juice, too? Cheeks! Jesus is being the opposite of helpful to Maria Shriver this holiday season. TMZ is reporting that she's (blue)waffling on actually divorcing husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her issue? Going through with the divorce is difficult for her because of her Catholic upbringing. Let's be honest - does it seem like God has ever really smiled upon the Kennedys? Sweetie, become a Protestant and sign off on those papers. Shit, there's no divorce loophole in the Bible for when he fucks the maid full of child? When you actually live through some "he had a whole other secret family and she worked in my house and smiled at me every morning WHILE PREGNANT WITH MY HUSBAND'S CHILD" shit out of a One Life To Live episode? If the Catholic version of God is half the awesome guy he's supposed to be, he'd ignite a bush and give her the OK in this situation. Oh, and they spent the holiday together according to People and had "a really nice time." If the source for the report was Maria, a "really nice time" probably means she did that thing to him from Casino Royale where Daniel Craig got his naked ass sat in the chair without a bottom and got whipped on his ass and balls with big rope. | |
| She's A Really Good Sport | Top |
Merry Christmas, here's a chillingly accurate reminder of your dead son. Mrs. Jackson has always struck me a kindly old woman trying to stay a kindly old woman whilst surrounded by various crazies (Detective LaToya) and assholes (her husband, Detective LaToya). She probably gives stellar hugs, you know? Sure, she'll pose with someone representing what is surely one of her most painful memories if you want her to. She'd probably pose with a Dr. Conrad Murray impersonator wielding a syringe if it keeps the peace and lets her get back to her stories. | |
| Michael Lohan Is A-OK With His Daughter's "Playboy" Spread | Top |
Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: "What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?"). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction? It's the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They're going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we're worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people? It would have to be this guy, right? Fuck, no. It's going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we'll all die screaming cuz' of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole. Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers show (Pinsky's become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men's Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan's life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play "doting father of celebrity fuckup" in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.
Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter's Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a "move" that's positive because it means she's "working". Yes, she's showing the maximum effort. Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan's sea jasper use and her getting involved with "the wrong people". Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you. Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.
Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is "Cunt"? Romance. This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The World's Youngest Toilet Aficionado | Top |
| The wine in Italy tastes like the jizz of the angels to me, so I've been drinking that shit by the bottle full. So last night when I came to my temporary home with the hazies in my head and a bladder about to explode, I stumbled into the bathroom and was about to shoot a stream of golden relief into a strange, guitar-shaped toilet when I realized that shit was a bidet! It's a fountain for your stank parts. It's not for pissing. What I'm trying to say is that if 4-year-old Dustin Kruses loses his figurative shit over toilets, imagine how he'd freak out over an ass faucet? His mother would have to hold the back of his head to make sure his mind didn't blow across the bathroom. via Buzzfeed | |
| Bitch Got Sued: The Lady CaCa Edition | Top |
There are a million things Lady Copy Paste should be sued for including (but not limited to) copyright infringement, grand theft thievery, illegally cloning Madge's career, creating a hybrid strain of yeast infection and salmonella (yeastonella?) and viciously decapitating an entire tribe of Kermits, but one of her former assistants has chosen to sue her Mermaid Touring Company for being forced to do the job she was hired to do without getting paid overtime. The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer O'Neill was overworked by CaCa and slaved away doing all sorts of fucked up shit during 13 months of the Monster Ball World Tour. The fucked up shit Jennifer was forced to do did not including breaking into Grace Jones' house to Xerox copy her entire wardrobe. Jennifer wasn't even asked to ice CaCa's tuck or steal an outfit for her off of a sailor nun's back (see pics of CaCa at JFK below). Jennifer claims in her lawsuit that she had to act as CaCa's personal alarm clock to keep her on schedule and once had to hand her naked ass a towel when she came out of the shower. Yes, Slave Master CaCa forced Jennifer to do regular personal assistant shit. CaCa is a regular old Mister. Although, if I had to hand CaCa's naked carcass a towel, I'd probably slip face first and fall on my tortured eyeballs to stop them from burning. But the biggest complaint in Jennifer's lawsuit is that she was never paid overtime. Jennifer was paid $75,000 for the tour, but she says she's owed more than $380,000 for 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime. When I try to do the math in my head, my brain curls into a fetal position and I automatically want to doodle pictures of peens on a Pee Chee folder just like I did in junior high math class. So I had to do the math on a calculator and if Jennifer is telling the truth, then she worked around 138 hours of overtime in one week. That means the bitch barely closed her eyes to slip into a sleep and her veins must naturally pump out meth if she was able to go on that long without sleeping. It does make sense, though. You try sleeping while CaCa's loudly chanting to the Illuminati demon lords in the next room. The court has heard all the facts and we hereby declare that CaCa is GUILTY! Take away her copy paste function and string the bitch up! | |
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