Sunday, April 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Beyonce On Those Pillow Baby Rumors..... Top

The Most Beautiful Woman in the World (served on the tip of a side-eye), seen here semi-SANS FARDS in NYC a few days ago, has something to say about those rumors that Blue Ivy Carter grew in a South American surrogate's womb while she strapped a House of Dereon brand pillow baby to her torso. Beyonce tells People that it didn't hurt her feelings when hos said that she was knocked up with memory foam for 9 months, she just thought it was crazy.

"That was crazy. It wasn't hurtful, it was just crazy. [I thought] 'Where did they come up with this?'"

Beyonce knows very damn well how this shit started. The rumor was born when Beyonce debuted her bump in true stunt queen fashion at the MTV VMAs and then it took on a new life when her belly folded in half like she was pregnant with Flat Stanley. But Beyonce has an answer for that!

"It was a fabric that folded — does fabric not fold? Oh my gosh, so stupid."

While Beyonce shook those rumors out of her lacefront, Mama Tina's black coal of a heart twitched in pain over hos saying that her daughter faked it all. Mama Tina said this:

"I thought it was very unfair and very cruel that someone would think that someone would be that diabolical to keep up a charade like that for nine months. As a mother it was painful for me to hear the crazy rumors. And I even had people ask me, which was so ridiculous."

Who really cares if Beyonce hired a baby oven or if Blue Ivy Carter grew in her womb of ethereal light? If I was farting out wads of gold-covered hundred dollars bills like Beyonce does, I'd hire a surrogate. Damn. When you get a surrogate to carry your baby, you don't have to break up with booze, you don't have to put your bong away for 9 months, you don't have to have nightmares about shitting on the labor table and you can get as fat as you want and bitches can't say shit about it. All pluses to me!

And I love how Mama Tina is clutching her 20 carat pink diamond and white gold necklace (Mama Tina doesn't do common pearls) over the possibility of someone being that diabolical. This coming from a diabolical Disney villainess who keeps a cauldron in House of Dereon's dungeon and has sacrificed several past members of Destiny's Child to the Illuminati in exchange for her daughter becoming the queen ruler of the world. (Insert Mama Tina's wig-raising cackle of doom here.)

 
Harvey's Gonna Get A New Stepfather Top

Katie Price's divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn't finalized yet, but that hasn't stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin' stick to Katie Price and now it's her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie's rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions "Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?" and "Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?", she said YES! It's a wonderful day for Katie's divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie's cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie's rep had this to say about her latest engagement:

"It's true — they are engaged. Leandro proposed to Katie while they were away skiing recently — and she said yes. They told her children but had intended to keep it secret for a while. No wedding arrangements have been made and they are both quite relaxed about that for the time being."

Leandro designed Katie's ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you learn that there's a 6-year-old girl trapped inside of Leandro and Katie's favorite jeweler also designs the rings sold in candy machines outside of The Dollar Tree. This tacky mess looks like a dingle pulled off of Parasite Hilton's ass hairs:

I have a feeling that this is going to last longer than Katie's past marriages. Leandro and Katie both barely speak English and they both have exquisite taste in jewelry. They're meant to be. Oh, what am I saying? This shit isn't going to last. Katie has had ass warts that lasted longer than this marriage will last. I just hope that at the wedding, Harvey Price will continue to be the voice of the people by quoting himself while giving a speech at the reception:

I know I pull that clip out of the vault every other damn week, but it's a gem and gems were made to be appreciated at all times. And it best expresses my thoughts about pretty much everything.

 
Guess Who Didn't Come To Dinner? Top

Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney's arm at last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you've got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn't plastic in Barbara's cheeks. That's an orgasm!

George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender's peen.

And in case you missed it, here's the White House Correspondents' Dinner's prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night's party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel's act):

And here's even more pictures of even more hos at last night's dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, was so and so there?" The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody!

 
"Cooooooooooooooke?" Top

Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Big Hy (born name: Hyman Strachman), a 92-year-old World War II vet and retired stockbroker from Long Island who spends most of his time burning thousands of copies of bootleg movies to send to the troops overseas. While my supposed techie literate ass can barely burn a DVD without messing up, 92-year-old Big Hy burns thousands a month with ease like a boss. Proof that pepaws usually do everything better including burning DVDs!

In a New York Times profile on Big Hy, he says that when his wife of over 50 years died in 2003, he a came across a website where soldiers stationed overseas can request stuff they'd like to have from the states. Big Hy noticed that a lot of the requests were for movies and that's when the copyright bandit was born. Big Hy buys bootleg DVDs of movies from a dude at a barbershop near his apartment. The DVDs were either recorded in the theater with a camera (audience coughs included) or they're leaked studio cuts.

When Big Hy started out, he would copy each DVD one at a time, but now he has a $400 duplicator that burns 7 copies in minutes. At the height of his operation in 2007 and 2008, Big Hy sent out 80,000 discs a year. Big Hy estimates that he's probably sent out over 300,000 discs total since he started in 2004. Before you start thinking that Big Hy is making money from this to support his caramel square addiction, that shit ain't true. Big Hy is only doing it out of the goodness of his patriotic heart and in fact he has spent $30,000 of his own cash on discs and postage. Big Hy has never sold a copy and destroys the main disc as soon as he's finished with it. The troops give thanks to Big Hy by sending him notes and pictures.

The MPAA told the Times that they're grateful their movies can bring a little entertainment to the troops and it doesn't look like they're going to go after Big Hy for snatching their shit.

Big Hy says that now that the war is winding down, his days as PepawFlix to the troops are coming to an end and he'll have to find another hobby.

When I first read this story, I was like, "So that's what the old man from Up! is doing nowadays." Speaking of Pixar, they should really make a movie about Big Hy (voiced by Ed Asner, of course) and then he can buy a bootleg of it at his barbershop and burn thousands of copies for the soldiers in Afghanistan!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Michelle Pfeiffer (54)
Taylor Cole (28)
Tyler Labine (34)
Uma Thurman (42)
Andre Agassi (42)
Carnie Wilson (44)
Master P (45)
Eve Plumb (54)
Daniel Day-Lewis (55)
Kate Mulgrew (57)
Leslie Jordan (57)
Jerry Seinfeld (58)
Celeste Holm (95)

 
Open Post: Hosted By A True Lady Top

Some of you might need to cleanse your eyeballs of the extra chunky skankness left by Kim and Kanye, so open your eyes wide and let them feel the breath of fresh sophistication wafting off of "fitness expert" and "lifestyle consultant" Jennifer Nicole Lee (Google her, you dumb fuck!). Jennifer isn't only a beacon of refinement, she's also a fashion designer and she's the one who created that elegant dress which perfectly frames her Louvre-worthy tramp stamp.

"Jennifer Nicole Lee whored wore it better" is what you're going to say to yourself later tonight when you see pictures of Lindsay Lohan wearing this same dress backwards (with American flag pasties over her freckled nipple knobs) at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.  

You know your daytime dress is elegance personified when you can easily slip out of it just by rolling your shoulders forward. And I can't with you if you mistook Dlisted's newest Aphrodite for JLo. JLo could never bring it like this.

 
Something You Didn't Ask For: A Front Row Seat To Kanye's Thigh Show Top

Kim and Kanye Kardashian's stunt queen parade in NYC made a stop at The Lion last night and he decided to really sell it hard by flashing his thigh while giving us his best Blue Steel (more like Rusty Tin). I know that when the paparazzi swarm him like this, his ego boils over and causes his body to overheat, but he needs to keep his pants up. Nobody wants to see that shit!

Pimp Mama Kris obviously choreographed this move to make us all believe that Kim and Kanye are so hard up for each other that they're 69ing, golden showering and nibbling on each other's clits in the backseat of the car. Please. Kanye's pants are down, because he was having an intense conversation about art with his pubes (they're better conversationalists than Kim) in the car while Kim got her lips camera ready by varnishing them with shellac. Either that or Kanye believes that since they've been at it for a couple of weeks now, they're at the halfway point of their relationship and he should keep the romance alive by pissing on her ass right there on the street.

Or I'm completely wrong and Kanye's just smoking the wrong stuff. That's probably it. And why can't I see his panties? Is Kanye wearing a g-string or one of those peen patches?

 
Peeta Bread Broke The Law Doing What We All Did When We Were 19 Top

Don't let the sweet, innocent, puppy dog-loving, slightly wonky face fool you. Josh Hutcherson, that's Peeta Bread from The Hunger Games to you and me, is a hard criminal who pisses on the law. (That sound you hear is Kim Kardashian rolling her ass to the court house to legally change her name to "The Law.") TMZ has a picture of 19-year-old Peeta Bread leaving a Ralph's in Sherman Oaks, CA with a plastic bag full of a bottle of whisky. The source behind this groundbreaking expose tells TMZ that Josh used a fake ID to buy the $170 bottle of Macallan. All together now: ESCANDALO!

TMZ lets us know that Ralph's has opened up an investigation into this SCANDAL and will take any steps necessary. Translation: They will take steps towards the cashier who sold Josh that whisky and hand them a THIS BITCH QUITS YOU slip. Josh's rep had nothing to say about this highly important story, but a couple of weeks ago he dropped some foreshadowing shit on TMZ when he told their cameras that the legal drinking age in the US should be 18 since you only have to be 18 to go to war.

Who hasn't committed an act of fraud by buying the sweet nectar with a fake ID? If you didn't have a fake ID, then you probably stood outside of a 7-Eleven trying to convince adults to live on the edge by buying you beer. We all have! The real story here is that Peeta Bread is able to afford the fancy shit. That bitch should have to suffer through the Strawberry Hill barfs like all of us did when we were teenagers. That's the true crime being committed here.

And I'm also side-eyeing that plastic bag, because every time I go to the Albertson's near my mom's house in an "unincorporated" part of L.A., they get all Bette Midler on my ass when I forget to bring my own bags since plastic bags are banned there. They charge me for a stupid ass paper bag. But I'm not going to complain about the ban on plastic bags in my mom's city, because it does keep the Kardashians out since they're not biodegradable either.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Long before Angelina Jolie's name became the first shit to pop up after doing a Google search for "Angelina," there was an Angelina with some true talent, natural glamour, sweet moves and spot-on beauty instincts (see: the stunning mane of ebony and gold locks spilling out of her head). Angelina (no last name necessary) was a freestyle superstar from the 90s whose album (THE album) took my family reunions my storm. Slap the Angelina CD into the player and you can guarantee that my cousin will jump up on a backyard bench and treat it like her own personal go-go box. Sometimes we'd go into one of the bedrooms, make it dark by putting foil over the windows and dance to that shit while one of us flicked the light switch on an off (aka a ghetto strobe light). We were way too old to be acting like that, but that's the kind of effect Angelina has on a ho. Make the room dark, flick the lights on and off, and get into this:


Take note: A true superstar lead singer never EVER wastes energy on doing the dance moves full out (that's what the background hos are for) and the Matrix business woman suit is something everyone needs in their closet.

 

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