The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210
- Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Tia Again!
- The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music"
- Crotches Of Meth
- One Down.....
- This Is The Look: Marky Mark On The Set Of Pain And Gain
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Beyonce On Those Pillow Baby Rumors.....
| Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210 | Top |
No, this isn't a picture of Dr. 90210, one of the original E! whores, holding up the tampon that fell out of his man pussy. This is a picture of Dr. Robert Rey posing with a peen implant during a meet and greet with his "fans" at the Seminole Casino in Hollywood, FL on Saturday. It's nice to see that after all these years Dr. 90210 is still a frosted, latex-covered MESS! Bitch looks like he just woke up from a coma after overdosing on the wrong kind of K during Black Party Weekend in 2001. Dr. 90210's calico cat hair makes me think of my terrifying adventures with Sun-In and that outfit makes me think of how I used my first credit card to actually buy something from the International Male catalog. Dr. 90210 is like a human time capsule of everything that was wrong about the early 2000s. Dude looks like a Euro gay porn star from 2002 who just can't let go of his glory days. I bet he smells like poppers, Drakkar, L.A. Looks gel and anti-chaffing cream. That being said, I'd still hit it even though he's so damn greasy that fucking on him would be like humping a Slip 'N Slide covered in baby oil. But Dr. 90210 would have to bring his "friend" who sort of looks like a beary Haley Joel Osment on growth hormones. | |
| Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Tia Again! | Top |
Maggie Gyllenhaal has birthed out yet another little girl who gets to play Barbies in her playroom with Uncle Jakey (SPOILER ALERT: Jakey's always gets to be Midge. Always.). Maggie's rep tell UsWeekly that her second daughter with Peter Sarsgaard was born on April 19th in NYC. Just like Jack Osbourne and Lily Allen, Maggie and Peter have given their daughter the name of a 73-year-old southern memaw who holds the record as Piggy Wiggly's longest serving employee and whose hair hasn't been out of a bun since the 40s. Maggie and Peter named their second kid: GLORIA RAY!!!!!!! I can't hate on the name Gloria Ray at all, because: a) Any name that is also the title of a Laura Branigan song is a good name and; b) Just shouting the name "Gloria Ray" out loud makes me feel like a southern mother from the 50s calling her daughter in for supper. And meanwhile, Jessica Simpson's wombschooled unborn baby just graduated from the 3rd grade. | |
| The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music" | Top |
Looking like a come-to-life Ganguro Bratz doll, the heir to the lucite throne Courtney Stodden and her creepy queefbag of a husband Doug Hutchison showed the People of Walmart how to truly bring refinement and grace to a big-box store when they shopped at Target in West Hollywood yesterday. Several Target shoppers immediately left after seeing Courtney in the aisles, because they figured that there's no way they can afford to shop at the same store as an expensive-looking creature who obviously prefers the finer things in life. You're looking at Courtney's "dress" and seeing a toddler's size large tank top, but I'm looking at it and seeing what every French designer will send down the runway at their next couture show. I'm actually surprised that Courtney can go out in public without get mobbed by thousands of fans (or the police, or agents from Child Protective Services). But all of that will change once the long-awaited (read: the opposite of that) follow-up to her first single "Don't Put It On Me" debuts at #1 on PedoBear's iTunes playlist. If you ever wanted to know what it sounds like to hear an iguana dry heave into a high-powered fan, click here (that shit won't embed, I should take that as a sign) to listen to Courtney's new song "Reality." Or as she sings it, "Rillality." Courtney tells Fox411 that her new musical masterpiece "is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it's a story about lust. It's about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?" To me, Courtney's song is an auto-tuned cry from humanity for the sun to please crash into the planet, because none of us want to live in a world where a trick has achieved the impossible by making a Heidi Montag song sound like fucking Mozart. | |
| Crotches Of Meth | Top |
| An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that "it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants" is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today. When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: "What is that chemical smell?" When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?). Sometime during David's struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David's got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn't cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance. They should also charge David's dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should've said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should've said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would've shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch would've blown up. This is why whenever I need to transport a portable meth lab in a car, I just hide it up in my no-no. Not even the most dedicated and bravest cop will ask me for a cavity search and if it explodes up in there, I wouldn't even notice. via Arbroath | |
| One Down..... | Top |
Scientists studying the ongoing mating rituals of the North American sasquatch will have to get research footage from other sources, because Lamar Odom has killed E!'s Khloe & Lamar by pulling out of that mess to focus on saving his basketball career. The Dallas Mavericks pretty much put Lamar on the curb after his worst season ever and so he's trying to up his chances of getting traded to another team by dropping the reality shit show baggage he brought to the Mavericks. TMZ says that Khloe & Lamar's second season will be its last. Their source says that Lamar is working with new trainers full-time in L.A. and doesn't want to be bothered by having to fulfill his contractual obligations with E! by letting Khloe dry mount him on camera several times a day. But Lamar isn't completely free from the clutches of Ryan Seacrest's evil-making troll claws. Lamar will still be on Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians every now and again. It's always a good day when the Kuntrashian fame whore machine weakens, but Lamar is still in danger, girl. Lamar's game isn't down because of the cameras. Lamar's game is down because when he goes to sleep at night, Pimp Mama Kris slithers out of the closet and feeds her black demon heart by sucking the life blood out of him through the artery in his taint. (Yes, we have taint arteries. I just tapped at mine.) PMK did it to Bruce Jenner and she's doing it to Lamar too. Run, Lammy, ruuuuun. But seriously, Khloe looks like the Edward Munster of the family, but she's actually the Marilyn. Who knew that a Kardashian would actually choose the happiness of her husband over the cameras? If that doesn't say (in Maury's voice) "Robert Kardashian, you are not the father," then I don't know what does. And here's Khloe, Kim and Lamar handing the same ball while shooting scenes for Khloe & Lamar in his hometown of Jamaica, Queens on Friday. | |
| This Is The Look: Marky Mark On The Set Of Pain And Gain | Top |
The costume designer(s) of Pain and Gain should get their Oscar speech ready, because they have clenched the win by throwing this hot look onto the body of one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark. As Marky pumped up his brain with heavy beats (SPOILER ALERT: He was listening to this), he flashed one third of his nipple triplets and braced himself for the tidal wave of panty pudding that eventually hit him after hos got a good look of him dressed up like John Travolta's private chef. Those aren't rainboots. They're pantycreamboots! And I only have one tiny issue with this look. According to my Scientology spell checker, they spelled "cock" wrong. They should fix that in post-production. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 27th! | Top |
Just outside of the picture, lobsters were chuckling. - Jintess Runners-up: The Duggar's faith in God was ferociously tested after a Noah's Ark excursion at a busted theme park in Arkansas took an unexpected turn for the worse. - SteelCityGirl This wasn't the type of pussywagon that Bob was hoping to buy when he replied to that ad on CraigsList. - BaconSlut via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The pair of man nalgas that buttbombed Bryce Harper's first Major League Baseball hit at the Nationals vs. Dodgers game. According to the 5 seconds of research I did by scanning headlines on Google, 19-year-old Bryce Harper is the hottest fresh meat on the baseball stroll, or some shit, and he hit the ball at a game over the weekend, which I guess is a big deal. But in 50 years when Bryce is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame and they show a clip from his first hit, the only thing people will stare at is the glorious moon rising above home base. Let's go to the money shot:
One headline said that this buttbomb tainted Bryce Harper's big debut, but dude would've hand to bend over a little farther to really taint this shit. And today's Hot Slut runner-up goes to the chicken mohawk mullet on Bryce's head. I don't know how that happened to his head, but I'm glad it did. via Deadspin | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jeff Timmons (39) | |
| Beyonce On Those Pillow Baby Rumors..... | Top |
The Most Beautiful Woman in the World (served on the tip of a side-eye), seen here semi-SANS FARDS in NYC a few days ago, has something to say about those rumors that Blue Ivy Carter grew in a South American surrogate's womb while she strapped a House of Dereon brand pillow baby to her torso. Beyonce tells People that it didn't hurt her feelings when hos said that she was knocked up with memory foam for 9 months, she just thought it was crazy.
Beyonce knows very damn well how this shit started. The rumor was born when Beyonce debuted her bump in true stunt queen fashion at the MTV VMAs and then it took on a new life when her belly folded in half like she was pregnant with Flat Stanley. But Beyonce has an answer for that!
While Beyonce shook those rumors out of her lacefront, Mama Tina's black coal of a heart twitched in pain over hos saying that her daughter faked it all. Mama Tina said this:
Who really cares if Beyonce hired a baby oven or if Blue Ivy Carter grew in her womb of ethereal light? If I was farting out wads of gold-covered hundred dollars bills like Beyonce does, I'd hire a surrogate. Damn. When you get a surrogate to carry your baby, you don't have to break up with booze, you don't have to put your bong away for 9 months, you don't have to have nightmares about shitting on the labor table and you can get as fat as you want and bitches can't say shit about it. All pluses to me! And I love how Mama Tina is clutching her 20 carat pink diamond and white gold necklace (Mama Tina doesn't do common pearls) over the possibility of someone being that diabolical. This coming from a diabolical Disney villainess who keeps a cauldron in House of Dereon's dungeon and has sacrificed several past members of Destiny's Child to the Illuminati in exchange for her daughter becoming the queen ruler of the world. (Insert Mama Tina's wig-raising cackle of doom here.) | |
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