The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music"
- Crotches Of Meth
- One Down.....
- This Is The Look: Marky Mark On The Set Of Pain And Gain
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Beyonce On Those Pillow Baby Rumors.....
- Harvey's Gonna Get A New Stepfather
- Guess Who Didn't Come To Dinner?
| The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music" | Top |
Looking like a come-to-life Ganguro Bratz doll, the heir to the lucite throne Courtney Stodden and her creepy queefbag of a husband Doug Hutchison showed the People of Walmart how to truly bring refinement and grace to a big-box store when they shopped at Target in West Hollywood yesterday. Several Target shoppers immediately left after seeing Courtney in the aisles, because they figured that there's no way they can afford to shop at the same store as an expensive-looking creature who obviously prefers the finer things in life. You're looking at Courtney's "dress" and seeing a toddler's size large tank top, but I'm looking at it and seeing what every French designer will send down the runway at their next couture show. I'm actually surprised that Courtney can go out in public without get mobbed by thousands of fans (or the police, or agents from Child Protective Services). But all of that will change once the long-awaited (read: the opposite of that) follow-up to her first single "Don't Put It On Me" debuts at #1 on PedoBear's iTunes playlist. If you ever wanted to know what it sounds like to hear an iguana dry heave into a high-powered fan, click here (that shit won't embed, I should take that as a sign) to listen to Courtney's new song "Reality." Or as she sings it, "Rillality." Courtney tells Fox411 that her new musical masterpiece "is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it's a story about lust. It's about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?" To me, Courtney's song is an auto-tuned cry from humanity for the sun to please crash into the planet, because none of us want to live in a world where a trick has achieved the impossible by making a Heidi Montag song sound like fucking Mozart. | |
| Crotches Of Meth | Top |
| An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that "it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants" is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today. When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: "What is that chemical smell?" When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?). Sometime during David's struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David's got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn't cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance. They should also charge David's dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should've said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should've said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would've shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch would've blown up. This is why whenever I need to transport a portable meth lab in a car, I just hide it up in my no-no. Not even the most dedicated and bravest cop will ask me for a cavity search and if it explodes up in there, I wouldn't even notice. via Arbroath | |
| One Down..... | Top |
Scientists studying the ongoing mating rituals of the North American sasquatch will have to get research footage from other sources, because Lamar Odom has killed E!'s Khloe & Lamar by pulling out of that mess to focus on saving his basketball career. The Dallas Mavericks pretty much put Lamar on the curb after his worst season ever and so he's trying to up his chances of getting traded to another team by dropping the reality shit show baggage he brought to the Mavericks. TMZ says that Khloe & Lamar's second season will be its last. Their source says that Lamar is working with new trainers full-time in L.A. and doesn't want to be bothered by having to fulfill his contractual obligations with E! by letting Khloe dry mount him on camera several times a day. But Lamar isn't completely free from the clutches of Ryan Seacrest's evil-making troll claws. Lamar will still be on Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians every now and again. It's always a good day when the Kuntrashian fame whore machine weakens, but Lamar is still in danger, girl. Lamar's game isn't down because of the cameras. Lamar's game is down because when he goes to sleep at night, Pimp Mama Kris slithers out of the closet and feeds her black demon heart by sucking the life blood out of him through the artery in his taint. (Yes, we have taint arteries. I just tapped at mine.) PMK did it to Bruce Jenner and she's doing it to Lamar too. Run, Lammy, ruuuuun. But seriously, Khloe looks like the Edward Munster of the family, but she's actually the Marilyn. Who knew that a Kardashian would actually choose the happiness of her husband over the cameras? If that doesn't say (in Maury's voice) "Robert Kardashian, you are not the father," then I don't know what does. And here's Khloe, Kim and Lamar handing the same ball while shooting scenes for Khloe & Lamar in his hometown of Jamaica, Queens on Friday. | |
| This Is The Look: Marky Mark On The Set Of Pain And Gain | Top |
The costume designer(s) of Pain and Gain should get their Oscar speech ready, because they have clenched the win by throwing this hot look onto the body of one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark. As Marky pumped up his brain with heavy beats (SPOILER ALERT: He was listening to this), he flashed one third of his nipple triplets and braced himself for the tidal wave of panty pudding that eventually hit him after hos got a good look of him dressed up like John Travolta's private chef. Those aren't rainboots. They're pantycreamboots! And I only have one tiny issue with this look. According to my Scientology spell checker, they spelled "cock" wrong. They should fix that in post-production. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 27th! | Top |
Just outside of the picture, lobsters were chuckling. - Jintess Runners-up: The Duggar's faith in God was ferociously tested after a Noah's Ark excursion at a busted theme park in Arkansas took an unexpected turn for the worse. - SteelCityGirl This wasn't the type of pussywagon that Bob was hoping to buy when he replied to that ad on CraigsList. - BaconSlut via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The pair of man nalgas that buttbombed Bryce Harper's first Major League Baseball hit at the Nationals vs. Dodgers game. According to the 5 seconds of research I did by scanning headlines on Google, 19-year-old Bryce Harper is the hottest fresh meat on the baseball stroll, or some shit, and he hit the ball at a game over the weekend, which I guess is a big deal. But in 50 years when Bryce is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame and they show a clip from his first hit, the only thing people will stare at is the glorious moon rising above home base. Let's go to the money shot:
One headline said that this buttbomb tainted Bryce Harper's big debut, but dude would've hand to bend over a little farther to really taint this shit. And today's Hot Slut runner-up goes to the chicken mohawk mullet on Bryce's head. I don't know how that happened to his head, but I'm glad it did. via Deadspin | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jeff Timmons (39) | |
| Beyonce On Those Pillow Baby Rumors..... | Top |
The Most Beautiful Woman in the World (served on the tip of a side-eye), seen here semi-SANS FARDS in NYC a few days ago, has something to say about those rumors that Blue Ivy Carter grew in a South American surrogate's womb while she strapped a House of Dereon brand pillow baby to her torso. Beyonce tells People that it didn't hurt her feelings when hos said that she was knocked up with memory foam for 9 months, she just thought it was crazy.
Beyonce knows very damn well how this shit started. The rumor was born when Beyonce debuted her bump in true stunt queen fashion at the MTV VMAs and then it took on a new life when her belly folded in half like she was pregnant with Flat Stanley. But Beyonce has an answer for that!
While Beyonce shook those rumors out of her lacefront, Mama Tina's black coal of a heart twitched in pain over hos saying that her daughter faked it all. Mama Tina said this:
Who really cares if Beyonce hired a baby oven or if Blue Ivy Carter grew in her womb of ethereal light? If I was farting out wads of gold-covered hundred dollars bills like Beyonce does, I'd hire a surrogate. Damn. When you get a surrogate to carry your baby, you don't have to break up with booze, you don't have to put your bong away for 9 months, you don't have to have nightmares about shitting on the labor table and you can get as fat as you want and bitches can't say shit about it. All pluses to me! And I love how Mama Tina is clutching her 20 carat pink diamond and white gold necklace (Mama Tina doesn't do common pearls) over the possibility of someone being that diabolical. This coming from a diabolical Disney villainess who keeps a cauldron in House of Dereon's dungeon and has sacrificed several past members of Destiny's Child to the Illuminati in exchange for her daughter becoming the queen ruler of the world. (Insert Mama Tina's wig-raising cackle of doom here.) | |
| Harvey's Gonna Get A New Stepfather | Top |
Katie Price's divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn't finalized yet, but that hasn't stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin' stick to Katie Price and now it's her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie's rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions "Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?" and "Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?", she said YES! It's a wonderful day for Katie's divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie's cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie's rep had this to say about her latest engagement:
Leandro designed Katie's ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you learn that there's a 6-year-old girl trapped inside of Leandro and Katie's favorite jeweler also designs the rings sold in candy machines outside of The Dollar Tree. This tacky mess looks like a dingle pulled off of Parasite Hilton's ass hairs:
I have a feeling that this is going to last longer than Katie's past marriages. Leandro and Katie both barely speak English and they both have exquisite taste in jewelry. They're meant to be. Oh, what am I saying? This shit isn't going to last. Katie has had ass warts that lasted longer than this marriage will last. I just hope that at the wedding, Harvey Price will continue to be the voice of the people by quoting himself while giving a speech at the reception: I know I pull that clip out of the vault every other damn week, but it's a gem and gems were made to be appreciated at all times. And it best expresses my thoughts about pretty much everything. | |
| Guess Who Didn't Come To Dinner? | Top |
Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney's arm at last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you've got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn't plastic in Barbara's cheeks. That's an orgasm! George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender's peen. And in case you missed it, here's the White House Correspondents' Dinner's prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night's party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel's act): And here's even more pictures of even more hos at last night's dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, was so and so there?" The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody! | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment