The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Katherine Jackson Was Just On A Short Vacation, Okay?
- Somebody Get This Bitch A Bus Pass
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 25th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Demi Moore And Martin Henderson Might Be A Thing
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Nutty Madam Finally Breaks Her Silence On Kristen Stewart's Cheating Ways
- Open Post: Hosted By E.T. The Warbling Walrus
- Kristen Stewart Is Sorry For Cheating On Sparkle Vamp
| Katherine Jackson Was Just On A Short Vacation, Okay? | Top |
While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie's daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News' cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I've ever seen. A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn't want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here's a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn't write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:
That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I'm legally required to take care of and didn't tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they're still breathing, that's me trying to get them taken away from me so I don't have to deal with their asses. I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I'm staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes. I can't blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson's Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That's almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig. | |
| Somebody Get This Bitch A Bus Pass | Top |
That dude throwing a side-eye in the back knew this mess was coming. Water is wet, vodka is delicious, I'm hungover, some mark who spent the night with White Oprah woke up in a Long Island bath tub full of ice with some of his internal organs missing and cracked out stunt driver Lindsay Lohan got into another car accident. It's just another day! Drug dealers should really put a warning label on their bags of crack rocks warning crackies that smoking up the bad shit will affect their ability to know the difference between the brake and gas pedal. TMZ says that after shopping at Chanel in Beverly Hills yesterday, the Geico Gecko's arch rival got behind the wheel (mistake #1) of another rented Porsche (mistake #2) and drove down Sunset Blvd. (mistake #3) before running into a silver Mustang that was stopped at a red light. Yes, that Mustang was not moving and this mess still busted into it. LiLo's passenger, who obviously loves inhaling second hand crack smoke while taking a Wednesday afternoon drive, knew the drill. Dude jumped out, gave the Mustang driver LiLo's insurance information and drooled out some excuse about the paparazzi following them. It was either blame the paparazzi or say that Scientology sorceress Tommy Girl is out to get her and used his telekinesis powers to push her Porsche into that Mustang. TMZ has video of the Mustang driver talking about her brush with the slug-lipped freckled terror and it looks like there's only a few scratches on the bumper. The Mustang driver must have a b-hole shaped like a four leaf clover, because she's lucky she got off so easy. A Huffy bike with flat tires, a Segway with a weak motor, an early model Hoveround and a Pogo Ball are the only things this bitch should be approved to drive. And why is Blohan wasting her time with trying to be a low-budget, soft-core porn star. Being a bumper car champion is her true calling. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 25th! | Top |
The Omen (2012): Damian's douchebag years. - Kandykane Runners-up: Once told that he "was so stupid that if his brain exploded, it wouldn't mess up his hair," Aaron proved all the haters wrong. - MeowMeow That's the last time he'll go down on Blohan without a fire extinguisher. - starvis via Evil Milk | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Otilia Martins, an 80-year-old Portuguese grandma who proved that she is: a) Not the one; b) Not the one; and c) REALLY not the one when two thieving piece of shit asshole thieves robbed her family's store in New Bedford, Massachusetts last Friday. If you're planning on robbing a market, make sure an abuelita of any kind isn't anywhere near or else she may make some chutney on your face by beating you in the head with a mango. Case in point: Ms. Otilia was hanging out in her brother-in-law's market on Friday afternoon when two not-knowing dumb trash bags pointed a gun at the cashier and demanded all the money. They obviously didn't notice when the wind hid under every available table and all the patron saint candles turned to face the back of the shelf after Granny Otilia crept up behind them to put an end to their criminal foolery. I don't know why Otilia didn't take off one of her slippers and launch it across the store, because she could've hit both of them in one throw. Ninja stars don't have SHIT on an abuelita's slipper (the truth according to everything). Instead, Otilia yelled at them and it got her a pistol whip to the face. One thing we should all know is that when you pistol whip a granny, not only will you spend your entire after life as Lucifer's daytime butt plug, but she will whoop your trick ass until you see the face of Ha-soos. Otilia has lived for 80 years, so no punk ass pistol slap to the cheek is going to keep her down. She came back up and when she couldn't find anything in her pocketbook to throw, she threw mangos at them. They finally realized that if anybody can turn a mango into a bullet, it's a granny, so they ran out of there. Who needs an armed security guard when've got a granny with some mangos. #grannygetyourmangos They managed to run off with $500 in cash, but they were later caught and charged with a bunch of stuff including screwing with a memaw. When they get found guilty, oh and they will, their sentence better include a couple of weekends with Otilia who will finish beating their asses with mangos before making them sweep her carpet. Seriously, why did my abuelita always make me sweep the carpet? via HuffPo | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Mick Jagger (69) | |
| Demi Moore And Martin Henderson Might Be A Thing | Top |
There's been rumors that Demi Moore is weepy in the heart over the Tater Sisters trying to eject her from their lives and that she's even weepier in the vagina over Ashton Kutcher moving on to Mila Kunis. But Life & Style says that if Demi is crying cold tears of NOBODY LOVES ME, then she's drying those tears on some Kiwi peen. They say that Demi has traded in sucking on whip-its for sucking on Martin Henderson, an actor type who was in The Ring, Off The Map, Brit Brit's Toxic video and is now in Demi. Sorry :/ Last week, 49-year-old Demi and 37-year-old Martin took a quick vacation to New Preston, Connecticut and a paparazzo just so happened to check his phone when her publicist texted him the exact address of where to go to get a pic of the cougar and her new piece. So the pap showed up and took pictures of Demi and Martin walking into Nine Main Bakery, where they laughed, threw sex eyes at each other and laughed some more before she did this:
Colbie Caillat?! I refuse to believe that a dick can be so good that it's got you dancing to everything and anything including a damn Colbie Caillat song. There's a reason the phrase "Dick so good it's got me dancing to a Colbie Caillat song!" doesn't exist. This is just Demi thinking she's still a 19-year-old girl dancing in her bedroom while wearing pink cotton panties. But on to more important things... I really can not with that popped collar. It's very Punk'd days Ashton Kutcher. It wasn't acceptable then and it's not acceptable now. I just hope that Martin's collar is popped into the douche position, because his style is stuck in 2004 and not because Demi is trying to Ashtonize him. If the latter is the case, Demi needs to go back to rehab for her chronic douche addiction. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
The trailer for the new season of The Real Housewives of Miami is here and we can finally exhale now that the natural beauty of La Bruja is back in our lives - Celebuzz Blind item solved? Jon Hamm is just out there, trolling bars, liquoring up girls and looking to have an intimate conversation with a pair of chichis - Lainey Gossip If Jason Trainwreck was any kind of handler, he'd take a Cheeto and smear some cheesebrows on Brit Brit's face, because she looks like some hillbilly Alien Nation shit - The Superficial This picture would be 300 times more gorgeous if Miley Cyrus was not in it - Drunken Stepfather Vulture makes Katie Holmes sound more interesting than she really is - Celebitchy Two words: ZANNA DON'T! - Towleroad The 90210 girls hit the beach and I wish I was talking about Brenda, Kelly and anybody but Donna - Popoholic Is temporary blindness one of AbCuts' side effects, because that would explain why JWoww's face looks like that - Hollywood Tuna Gisele Bundchen either has a case of the BABIES!! or she discovered the mashed potato Slushie machine - Popsugar Please tell me this is a mistake and Deadline just has a really funny way of spelling Aretha Franklin's name - ICYDK I quit this bitch: Sharon Osbourne might be saying that to America's Got Talent - I'm Not Obsessed Mimi took Jlo's job and JLo obviously took Mimi's cake - The Berry If you ever want a celebwhore to read your tweet, just throw some f-word-filled shade at them - SOW Even Taylor Kitsch's freshly waxed nalgitas couldn't save Savages - (NSFW) OMG Blog Connor Cruise got the Kid 'n Play - Just Jared The dream job for any meth head with OCD - Videogum Pussy wrassling! - Cityrag You can't keep a mess with a Franketummy down for long - Hollywood Rag | |
| Nutty Madam Finally Breaks Her Silence On Kristen Stewart's Cheating Ways | Top |
| I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward. (Thanks, Lynn) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By E.T. The Warbling Walrus | Top |
| Finally, some real vocal talent around here! E.T. (short for Ear Tingles) has been luring hundreds to the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma, WA with his melodic walrus yodel that is more soothing to the ears than anything that comes out of JLo's mouth. American Idol, X-Factor and The Voice can all go away forever now, because E.T. is the future of singing and nobody will be able to top his talent. When E.T. blows out musical notes through his walrus mouth, you can tell he's really into it, because his tiny eyes nearly pop off of his face. Do Celine Dion's eyeballs do that? I didn't think so. Or maybe I'm totally wrong and E.T. isn't singing. Maybe E.T. is just doing a really good impersonation of John Travolta's hole during a massage. You decide which hole I'm talking about. via Arbroath | |
| Kristen Stewart Is Sorry For Cheating On Sparkle Vamp | Top |
No, that dyslexic butt fuck picture never gets told to me. Kristen Stewart gave People an open letter to Robert Pattinson where she slurred out a stream of sowwies for dimming the sparkle on his nipple by letting her 41-year-old married director make out with her cooch in her parked car. The statement of words almost made my eyes roll to the left and roll to the right, so bitch definitely wrote it herself:
Well, I love how it takes UsWeekly catching her with a pussy full of married man mouth to admit that she's humping on RPattz. Hopefully, Kristen Stewart's dumb ass learned a lesson those of us with common sense learned naturally: When you're screwing on a side trick, don't do it out in the damn open for everyone to see. Take that shit to a Super 8 motel room. That's what they're there for. Seriously, bitch can't even cheat right. UPDATE: Rupert Sanders burped out his own statement, "I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family. My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together." And I'm pretty sure his wife is REALLY utterly distraught about the pain of knowing that her husband fucked her over with the humanized version of a skater boy's ripped-off scab. | |
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