Sunday, April 1, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Chevy Chase And Community Might Be Done Professionally Top

In case you haven't noticed by the dozens of "I'M PREGGERZ! ....AYPROOL FULLZ!!1!!#!!" statuses clogging up your Facebook feed, today is International Sike Day and so I'm looking at everything with an extra squinty side eye, especially after I tried to order Hungry Hungry Hippo for iPad. So when I heard a voicemail at Deadline of Chevy Chase mouth shitting out a fuck-ridden rant at Dan Harmon, I thought it was suspect at first. But then I remembered one very important thing: Chevy Chase is an asshole so it has to be real life!

Deadline and Reddit have both been following Chevy's feud with Community's creator Dan Harmon, which started when Clark Griswold had a diva meltdown during the last day of filming and stormed off of the set. At the wrap party, Dan got back at Chevy by giving a "Fuck You" speech and encouraged the entire cast and crew to chant "Fuck you, Chevy!" Chevy, who was there with his wife and daughter, once again, threw his silk scarf over his shoulder, arched his back and sashayed out of the party like a true diva queen!

Chevy later left Dan that voicemail (click here to hear it) where he said that he only stormed off of the set because he didn't get his script beforehand. Chevy then slightly tickled the edges of my bitch gene by telling Dan to "suck his cock" several times. Sources tell Deadline that Chevy has stormed off the set several times during shooting and they wouldn't be surprised if his character is written out of the show next season.

I don't watch Community (I know, I know), but I would watch a show where Chevy Chase STORMS off of the set over and over again. I love it when a mad ho STORMS out of anywhere. Chevy is known for being as pleasant as a urethra wart and he tried it with that voicemail, but he's going to need to come harder if he wants to win this bitch fight. Dan Harmon gets all the points for chanting "Fuck you, Chevy" in front of Chevy's family. That is the kind of cunt move that brings a tear to my eye.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Petunia Pig - Long before Posh Beckham was the sexiest pig in the pen, there was Porky Pig's main honey-glazed piece Petunia Pig! Many have tried and all have failed to replicate Petunia Pig's signature piping hot come hither (or maybe she's just always honey baked as all hell) look that can turn pig peens into bacon and pig no-nos into sausage donuts. Petunia first started making Porky's tail curl something extra in the 1930s when she was bald-headed and had inflamed testicle cheeks. Years later, Petunia updated her look with a black weave, but one thing has always stayed the same: bitch knows how to keep a man oinking for more. Watch and learn:

Petunia's long-lost, separated-at-the-pen sister Khloe Kardashian ain't got shit on her!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Debbie Reynolds (80) & Jane Powell (83)
Hillary Scott (26)
Matt Lanter (29)
Sam Huntington (30)
Bijou Phillips (32)
Jon Gosselin (35)
China Chow (38)
Joe Francis (39)
Rachel Maddow (39)
Albert and Allen Hughes (40)
Method Man (41)
Jane Adams (47)
Phillip Schofield (50)
Susan Boyle (51)
Barry Sonnenfeld (59)
Annette O'Toole (60)
Ali MacGraw (73)

 
OctoMom Is On Welfare Now Top

If Elmo's sucio ass didn't pay for that bus time handy from OctoMom then he better FedEx her a cashiers check ASAP, because ho needs money now more than ever. I don't know how they did it, but TMZ somehow got a hold of (cut to OctoGranny with an oh-so-guilty "It wuzzint me!" look on her face) a picture of an EBT card with OctoMom's government name on it.

TMZ points out that Octo swore on her fame-making uterus in the past that she'd never open her hands to government assistance, but with 14 hungry eating holes to fill and her offers drying up faster than her relevancy, she had to raise the Help A Bitch Out flag. Octo makes less than $119,000 a year and has 15 mouths to feed, so she qualifies for a $2000 monthly food only allowance from the State of California. TMZ source's say that Octo is also trying to cut her monthly expenses by pulling all but one child (who is autistic) from private school.

A bitch can argue that Octo did this to herself, but those 10 thousand million chirruns didn't do this to themselves and they gotta eat. Damn. If crazy was a protein, they could nibble on the crazy their mom gives off, but it ain't. I'm assuming Octo has some kind of other income falling into her wallet, because I don't know how $2,000 can feed a family of 15 for a whole month. That's like one shopping trip to Whole Foods. Those kids are gonna have to go on the college diet (Top Ramen, popcorn and Boone's Farm).

Octo needs to enroll in reality show boot camp. Bitch needs to spend time with the Extreme Couponers to learn how to buy $1,000 worth of groceries for six pennies. Then she needs to spend time with the Duggars to learn how to make laundry soap out of baby saliva. And finally, she needs to spend a lot time with Ma from Ma's Roadhouse, but only because I want to see Ma smack Octo with some nicotine-stained truth.

And I officially HATE myself for playing this song in my head as soon as I read about Octo's welfare woes:


Sometimes I just want to log out of my own brain. (I'm setting myself up for that one, I know.)

 
The Morphing Of Lindsay Lohan's Face Top


From the makers of that nightmare-inducing Cheetos blooming (and wilting) morphing video is this anti-crack, anti-delusion, anti-White Oprah, anti-Restylane and anti-self tanner PSA where Lindsay Lohan's face goes from 0 to 60-years-old in 1 minute. This shit is like watching a train conducted by White Oprah slowly careen off the tracks before taking out a dump truck carrying broken meth pipes and crashing directly into an old dentures dispensary. This mess is creepy, it's fascinating and it's looking into a Faces of Meth kaleidoscope. They should really play this video in front of every child actor and tell them this could be their face on fame. And now, I have to cleanse my eyeballs over a pot of boiling holy water.

via Buzzfeed

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top


By popular demand and 4 days late, I bring you the new pride of Alberta (sorry, Nickelback, you had a good run) Robert Wilkinson who has been sweetly serenading the Internet and beyond ever since the video of him doing a spot-on Freddie Mercury impersonation in the back of a police car went viral. (Note: Dlisted does not condone driving drunk as shit, which is what this Canadian Idol was busted for. If you're too drunk to drive, please use your iPhone or borrow someone else's to find a sober designated driving trick on Craigslist who will gladly and safely drive you to your destination in exchange for some road head and a ball tickle. That's how responsible drunk sluts do it.)

If you're like me, then you're probably a little sad that you didn't win Mega Millions (Fuck you, Kansas! Fuck you, Illinois! Fuck you, Maryland!) and your dream of buying CNN to turn it into ACNN (The Anderson Cooper Nekkid Network) is dead. But look on the bright side, if you won that shit, you wouldn't be in front of your computer right now watching this slow clap-worthy performance for the 500th time. You'd be at your office, writing your resignation letter on a roll of toilet paper with your dirty asshole. See, there's a silver lining to being a broke and unlucky.

And when you're outside today and a tear drop-shaped piece of silver glitter lands on your cheek, know that's from Freddie Mercury crying tears of joys from heaven because his legacy is living on (and them some) in Alberta, Canada.

"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - the Pride of Alberta

via Everywhere (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Christopher Walken (69)
Jessica Szohr (27)
Josh Saviano (36)
Ewan McGregor (41)
Samantha Brown (42)
Deborah Kara Unger (48)
Tony Cox (54)
Angus Young (57)
Al Gore (64)
Rhea Perlman (64)
Valerie Curtin (67)
Gabe Kaplan (67)
Richard Chamberlain (78)
Shirley Jones (78)

 
Evening Crumbs Top

Scenes from Jerry Lee Lewis' 7th wedding: You know it's forever love when the bride looks exactly like the groom in drag - Hollywood Rag

This is one of those times when I really wish I was Micaela Schaefer's father, so that I could clutch at my chest while saying, "Ich bin so stolz." - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Ben Affleck is back to sucking on fags - Celebitchy

My vote for Nora in the The Thin Man remake goes to Johnny Depp in drag - Lainey Gossip

The Empress of Lucite does it better. Always. - The Superficial

Stacy Keibler B.C. (Before Clooney) - Hollywood Tuna

A gay hating, cane-wiedling, batshit crazy granny ain't the one - Towleroad

Somewhere, somehow, someone is Photoshopping a peen over that hot sauce bottle - The Berry

Watching the workers put up that background was probably more exciting than watching Ashley Greene pose in front of it - Popoholic

Poke at me when there's a Rhythm Syndicate reunion - The Daily What Gossip

Beyonce can keep that tacky crib, I'll take the delivery dudes - Crunk + Disorderly

Halle Berry really wants you to see her engagement ring - Popsugar

Elton John wants his EVERYTHING (even the wig) back - ICYDK

The CGI Calista Gingrich looks more lifelike than the real life Calista Gingrich - OMG Blog

Shampoo: Ben Affleck finally discovered it - Just Jared

Obi-Wan Catnobi - Cityrag

The universe got stoned one night and somehow decided that Robbie Williams should be a father - I'm Not Obsessed

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For March 30th! Top

via Nick Holmes

 
Anne Hathaway Is Starving Herself For Les Miz Top

When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn't straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It's because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson's pantry.

The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself "WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)" and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, "Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she's been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It's not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do."

I'm pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I'd have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn't feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.

 

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