The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- SNL Might Be Wiig-Less Next Season
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 4th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Christian Bale & Wes Bentley
- Camille Grammer Will "Desecrate" A Ho
- Lisa Robin Kelly Was Setup!
- BREAKING: Xtina Keeps The Lead-Based Red Paint Off Of Her Lips
- Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo
- Ryan Gosling Continues To Save Lives
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Paula Cole (44) | |
| SNL Might Be Wiig-Less Next Season | Top |
And Samberg-less. And Jason Sudeikis-less. UsWeekly is saying that Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis will all punch out their time cards at 30 Rock for the final time when the season ends. The source had this to say about Kristen, Andy and Jason quitting that bitch after this season: "Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis are all leaving after the end of the season. It will be a huge blow to the show. Without Andy's video shorts and Kristen saving every skit, they'll need help!" A rep for Kristen and Andy say that UsWeekly needs to get up in front of the class and tell everyone that they can no longer get candy from the candy jar as a reward, because they told a lie. (True story: My third grade teacher made me do that after I lied about taking candy from the candy jar. But in my defense, my mom's idea of candy was an apple slice, so my shit was hard up for candy!) Kristen and Andy say NO to this, but it wouldn't be a surprise if it turned out to be true. Kristen has to go and write the remake of Bridesmaids (with the way Hollywood works, we're due for one), Jason Sudeikis is busy starring in blind items about January Jones and Andy Samberg has to plan his big wedding with his true soulmate Justin Timberlake (that Jessica Biel shit is a front!). | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
| Looking at me like I'm a cupcake and he's STAINS - The Daily What But the only thing I want to know is whether or not Justin Timberlake is going to bring his denim suit of sophistication out of retirement for this special occasion? - Lainey Gossip This Jeremy Renner public choking story sounds like the opening scene of a really awkward S&M gay porn - Towleroad CoCo's 9th and 10th planet ass once again tests the will of fabric - Hollywood Tuna Rude asshole Dan Harmon is sorry for being a rude asshole - Celebitchy Reason #1 (the only reason) to see Spider-Man: Spidey Peen Prints in IMAX - The Superficial And this is why every fanboy's mouse is extra sticky today - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather MiserAlba holding coffee: #3 in a series of five hundred million - Popoholic This goes out to those of you who prefer your skinny twinks with an extra side of muscles - Just Jared Claire Danes is a sales slut - Popsugar This ass-to-ass is more terrifying than the ass-to-ass in Requiem for a Dream - ICYDK Xtina isn't wearing less makeup this week by choice. She's doing it because Nicki Minaj buy up all the makeup. All of it. - Crunk + Disorderly Does Google Translation have an English to Cheryl Cole's Accent option, because I can't read a Cheryl Cole interview unless my eyes cross while reading it in her native tongue - The Berry There's only one way to settle this: baked beans wrestling match! Billy Ray will referee and Noah Cyrus will provide the halftime entertainment - Videogum And these bitches seem really happy about it too - Cityrag The Barrymore bump watch begins - I'm Not Obsessed If you also had to sell your 500-year-old Bavarian castle to pay the IRS, you're making a sad with Nicolas Cage today - Hollywood Rag Kelly Clarkson does Brit Brit (not like that) - OMG Blog | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 4th! | Top |
via Getty | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Christian Bale & Wes Bentley | Top |
Here's Christian Bale and Wes Bentley shooting scenes in Santa Monica at sunset yesterday for a new Terrence Malick movie, and since this is a Malick movie you won't see any of these moments in moving picture form. When Terrence Malick finishes editing this movie, you'll only see 45 minutes of an intense close-up of a foam bubble on a wave followed by another 45 minutes of sand trickling out of Christian's hand. You won't see Christian making the full "sittin' on da toilet and really excited about it" pose (alternately: the "anal oral handy special" pose). You won't see Christian and Wes having dylsexic-style butt sex. You also won't see Christian and Wes not knowing how to quit each other. Oh well, everyone involved is still going to win all the Oscars for this shit. That includes the seagull who felt the wrath of Christian's airborne punches after it crashed his scene. Just add seagulls to the list of things Christian is fucking done with, professionally. | |
| Camille Grammer Will "Desecrate" A Ho | Top |
| That tall serving of Greek Yogurt in a nest of luscious curls in the clip above is Dimitri Charalambopoulos, the boyfriend of silicone dragon flower and gold digging hero Camille Grammar. Dimitri Charalambopoulos (try saying that three times without casting a spell or warding off a demon) is currently in the middle of some Halle Berry-approved like custody drama with the girlfriend of his five year old son Marcus. Marcus' mom Lisa wants to take him to Colorado to live and Dimitri is against it, and so they all have to go to court to work this mess out. During a taped deposition, Lisa's lawyers played a voicemail that Camille left her. This goes out to those of you who you who missed seeing Camille's signature crazy come out during season 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Camille's rant starts at around the 1:50 mark in the clip above and it's below in reading form if your eyes can't take the sight of Dimitri finger curling his hair like a Southern ingenue. via Radar: "If you go to the press, I have lawyers that are beyond what you can imagine and they will pull stuff on you and you will be so mortified about your life and your family and what you have done. You don't want to do that to Marcus. I will desecrate you, believe me, and that I can do, so be careful what you say and what you do because my defamation attorneys are huge..they will hunt down and research every nook and cranny of your life." Lisa better raise the white flag and drop her weapons, because Camille doesn't mess around and she was a Club MTV dancer. Camille will do The Running Man all over Lisa's character, then she'll do the Cabbage Patch through every nook and cranny of Lisa's life, and just when Lisa thinks she can get away with some of her reputation still intact, Camille will drop The Sprinkler on her! No, I have no idea what I just typed out, but if it made you do the Electric Slide in your office chair, then I've done my job. I know, I know, Camille probably meant to say "decimate," but do you want her brain filled with useless information like the true definition of words or do you want it filled with the steps for some sweet sweet moves. Or maybe Camille didn't mean "decimate" at all. Maybe she meant "defecate." I mean, she does have IBS.... | |
| Lisa Robin Kelly Was Setup! | Top |
The California Mug Shot Museum of Beauty founds its new Mona Lisa over the weekend when Laurie from That '70s Show gave the camera some methed out tarsier realness. Lisa Robin Kelly claims that legendary mug shot shoot should have never happened, because it wasn't not funny and she wasn't not guilty of all charges! Lisa Robin Kelly was charged with spousal abuse, but she's telling TMZ that: a) She never whooped a trick and; b) The trick isn't even her husband or boyfriend. Lisa then reached into White Oprah's ass, swat away a few empty vodka bottles and pulled out the only excuse in there: I WAS SETUP! Lisa says that the guy she allegedly beat is actually her roommate and he's the one who slapped her around. Lisa and her man roommate have been getting into it for a while now, and when she tried to move out over the weekend, he went after her. Lisa called the police, but her roommate fled the scene before they arrived. Lisa didn't want to waste her time pressing charges, so she dropped it. Lisa thought it was over until she found out that her roommate waltzed into a police station with cuts all over his face and claimed that she attacked him. Lisa went on to explain, "He must have scratched himself or done something to himself. I am clean and sober and I have made a lot of progress. I am completely innocent. I weigh 105 pounds. I could never hurt him. I just want to start working again." Who to believe? Who to believe? The only evidence we have to go by is Lisa's Faces of Mordor mug shot. Lisa's right brow looks like it was in a tussle and lost, so that supports her story. But Lisa's eyes have that same glassy glare your friend gives you right before they're about to scratch your throat out for taking the last hit from the meth pipe, so that supports his story. As they say, this story is developing....as is the lawsuit Lindsay Lohan is going to hit Lisa Robin Kelly with for stealing her trademarked excuse! | |
| BREAKING: Xtina Keeps The Lead-Based Red Paint Off Of Her Lips | Top |
While escorted by her rent-to-own man mule, Xtina left The Little Door restaurant in West Hollywood last night wearing a dress so damn tight that I can practically see the outline of her belly button lint. But the real story here is that Xtina gave the Maaco employees who blast her face with orange car paint the day off and her face doesn't look like it came straight from the set of a clown porn. Seeing Xtina without half of a Dutch Boy paint factory on her face is about as rare as Kelly Preston not saying "Didn't I tell you to brush your teeth after chewing on man ass?" to John Travolta when he kisses her hello. Xtina's eyelids still look like barbecue charcoal nuggets, but this is practically her SANS FARDS. I knew hos would step up their beauty game after Samantha Brick came on the scene, but this is beyond! | |
| Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo | Top |
Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation: "Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I'm not well-endowed, and those suits don't really show you off in the most…" This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance.... The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood." The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards! So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one. | |
| Ryan Gosling Continues To Save Lives | Top |
Ryan Gosling can stop a street fight by cooling the boiling blood in everyone's head with the velvety maple syrup essence that wafts off of him when he cracks a smile, but his life-saving powers go way beyond that. Ryan Godling is a real human being AND a real hero. Laurie Penny, a British journalist, learned this firsthand when Ryan saved her from walking in front of a speeding taxi in NYC yesterday. Laurie was on 6th Avenue and completely forgot that all American cars are righters. Laurie was looking the other way when Ryan winked death away from her by pulling her to safety. Of course, Laurie Tweeted about her real-life remake of Closer and of course, Ryan wore a Canadian tuxedo while saving her from getting a bear hug from the Grim Reaper. via Observer: I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling. Literally. That actually just happened. Are we sure the cab driver didn't just swerve out of the way to pull over and fap to the boner-inducing Canadian dream in the flesh? But I really want to know is how did Laurie reward Ryan for his heroic act? I mean, the reasonable thing to do what would be to let Ryan know that you are going to honor his heroism by pinning your Purple No-No Medal to his peen. And when your ass walks by a pink wig-wearing ho lying on the street after getting hit by a taxi, you can tell her that she's just been Gosling'ed. | |
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