The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Sooooookehhhh Iz With Child
- Kim Kartrashian Wants To Be Mayor
- Evening Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 17th!
- The Bachelor Will Be Sued For Discriminating Against Non-White People
- Open Post: Hosted By Spaz de la Huerta Eating A Burrito
- When The Headline Is EVERYTHING
- And So It Begins....
- Good News, OctoMom Is Open To Doing Fap Porn
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
David Tennant (41) | |
| Sooooookehhhh Iz With Child | Top |
Soooooookeeeeehhhh's nymph womb is now filled with a fairy vampire human baby (a "Walter Mercado" for short) she made with Beeeeeehl. Reps for 29-year-old Anna Paquin and 42-year-old Stephen Moyer tell Entertainment Weekly that she's knocked up with her first child and his third. Sookeh will pop out her fairy vampire baby on the floor of Merlotte's sometime this fall. Yes, Sookeh and Beehl's babeh will have eyes like a squinting possum (from him) and a tooth gap that can fit a domino, but it will get to call ASkars "uncle" and I'm sure they'll name it Lafayette Teacup Human Paquin-Moyer. I'm already jealous of it and will find a to glamour it to think it's me so we can trade places (mostly so I can call ASkars "uncle"). Unfortunately, those True Blood hos are almost finished filming the next season so they're not going to pull a Betty Draper by giving us a Fat Sookeh. DAMN. | |
| Kim Kartrashian Wants To Be Mayor | Top |
| Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, was married to a primitive dildo solely for publicity, barely pays taxes, thinks the poors are gross, has zero sense of real reality, would kick a disabled blind kitty for a dollar and so her natural next step in life is straight into the world of politics. I've always said that the tip or Ray J's boomerang dick is a stepping stone to running a city. Kim is already mayor of Whoresdale on Foursquare, but now she wants to be a the real maywhore of Glendale, CA. In a completely attention whory clip (and I'm falling for it) for the newest episode of Khlozilla & Lamar, Pimp Mama Kris' head ho tells Khloe about her plans to make Glendale's population drop from 200,000 people to a couple of golden shower fetishists: "I decided I'm going to run for the mayor of Glendale. So you have to have full residency in Glendale... So for real, Noelle's going to head my campaign, but it's going to be in like 5 years. So I have to buy a house there. You have to buy a house there. Noelle and I are looking into the requirements and I'm literally going to have a huge... She's going to help me with my campaign. Cause it's like Armeniantown. But I need to wait like 5 years." Because this useless piece of non-news should be taken seriously by the former mayor of Glendale, the former mayor of Glendale Ara Najarian is taking it seriously and tells The Los Angeles Times that he has offered Kim the position of "honorary chief of staff" so she can learn about city policies and shit. I bet the Glendale's city policies handbook is more than 140 characters long, so I'm hoping Ara Najarian is a genius who knows that Kim's head will combust into bronzer dust and Kanye jizz if she reads anything longer than a Tweet. As much as I'd like to see Kim run for maywhore on the platform of labia bleaches for everyone, this isn't going to happen solely for the fact that I'm pretty sure a mayoral term is longer than 72 days. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
RiRi tried to out-brag Beyonce's Tumblr page by unleashing a million vacation pictures on her Facebook page and this one's got me squinting hard. Is it me (it's me) or is RiRi bottomless in that picture? Either she lost her bikini bottoms in that shark cage or getting cunnilingus from a shark is a new thing - Celebitchy Missed opportunity = Emma Stone not wearing a Tina Yothers t-shirt - Lainey Gossip SPOILER ALERT: The mystery woman's name starts with Ryan and ends with Gaycrest - The Superficial Whatever the hell Nicolette Sheridan is doing here, I'm into it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Everything wrong about the 90s died on Katy Perry's body - Go Fug Yourself #itdoesntgetbetter - Towleroad The phrase "nuevo orgasmo" should never EVER be allowed anywhere near Selena Gomez - Hollywood Tuna A flavorless block of boring dryness....and a bale of hay - Popoholic The Lohaning of Amanda Bynes continues - ICYDK Why didn't anybody tell RDJ that a tradition in Russia is that all movie stars with the initials RDJ must do virgin vodka shots off of their own nipple while completely naked in front of an HD camera? - Popsugar More of Renee Zellweger's second face on Harper's Bazaar - The Berry Drunk mess leading drunk mess - Celebslam Angie Jo was promoted to Empress Queen President God Buddha of the UN or something - I'm Not Obsessed I'm mad that they make that toddler Muppet hoody in adult sizes - Crunk + Disorderly Anti-Beyonce puppy is always telling you to the right, to the right - Cityrag This will eventually be Siri's suicide note - Videogum Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudekisisisiwhatever are still farting hearts for each other - Hollywood Rag The plot of Tommy Girl's new movie is more of a mess than his chonies after a lunch date with David Beckham - Just Jared | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 17th! | Top |
via Gravy Holocaust | |
| The Bachelor Will Be Sued For Discriminating Against Non-White People | Top |
Last year, Entertainment Weekly asked the creator of The Bachelor if there will ever be a Bachelor or Bachelorette who isn't white and this is what splattered out of his douche hole: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it's just that for whatever reason, they don't come forward. I wish they would." That leads our asses to this story from The Hollywood Reporter. Minor league football players Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks announced that they will throw a class-action lawsuit at the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for committing an act of racial discrimination by not once featuring a non-white person as the Bachelor or Bachelorette during all 23 seasons (yes, TWENTY THREE FUCKING SEASONS OF WRECKERY) of that shit. Both Nathaniel and Christopher went to an open call in Nashville for The Bachelor, but they were pushed to the side of the room and weren't given a regular audition. They didn't get called back and they say it's because their skin color isn't #FFFFFF. Most of the boring hos on The Bachelor shows have the personality of armpit dandruff and they're so desperate that they look like members of the Jennifer Love Hewitt Tribe. They wear the ugliest dresses bought from a prom shop's going out of business sale and when they go back home their neighbors chase them away for shaming their town. So if the producers turned me down, I'd take that as a compliment. And speaking of lawsuits against The Bachelor, when is Gloria Allred going to file a complaint in federal court on behalf of roses everywhere. Think of the roses that have been wasted on those basic ass bitches. The Bachelor has slowly been committing rose genocide for years and they must be stopped! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Spaz de la Huerta Eating A Burrito | Top |
Now, this is some performance art shit that belongs in a museum. If a butterriverdancer can get some gallery time, so can a burrito-swallowing Spaz de la Huerta. You know how on some Monday afternoons you wake up between two parked cars on the street and your hair feels so ratty that you're convinced two horny street rats mated in it while you were passed out? Just when you start to give thanks that all of your make-up didn't rub off on the asphalt, a worker from a nearby bodega shoos you away by spraying you with hose water in the face. Suddenly, you're stumbling down the street SANS FARDS and a chill touches your body as you realize you lost the fur bolero you had on the night before. So you go into a Mexican restaurant to use their bathroom and to also make a scarf out of toilet paper. Three seconds after you leave the bathroom, the Mexican restaurant owner recognizes you as that ho who is always trying to trade handies for platanos with his customers and so he pushes a burrito into your hands and tells you to leave. He doesn't want any trouble! You walk down a block or two and sit on a stoop to eat your burrito. Then a man sits down next to you and asks you if you can autograph the pussy wig you wore on that HBO show. He bought it on eBay and it's in his bag. This happens to you most Monday afternoons, so you should know what I'm talking about. Well, Spaz de la Huerta reenacted this scene in NYC yesterday. I know, finally some real art around this place. | |
| When The Headline Is EVERYTHING | Top |
Sometimes the headline is so perfect that I don't need to read the entire story behind it. I don't need to know why Newt was near a penguin. (Maybe he IS The Penguin?) I don't need to know why that penguin got cunty with Newt. (Maybe it's a Romney-lover and was trying to push him out of the election exit door? Or maybe Newt tried to slip that sessy penguin his Skype number and it's taken by another penguin?) I don't need to know the answers to any of those questions, because it will cheapen that headline. That headline just needs to sit there, look pretty and be that headline. I probably love People's picture choice as much as I love their headline. Contrary to popular belief, I don't stare at hi-res pictures of Newt's face all day, so I never noticed that when he purses his lips like a bitchy queen reading a ho, a tiny skin donut (aka a puckery no-no) forms on his face taint. No wonder glambot Callista Gingrich sticks with his ass. | |
| And So It Begins.... | Top |
The virtual Tupac that knocked the high out of many hos at Coachella was such a success for Dr. Dre and and Snoop Dogg that they're planning on taking it for a world tour. If this is Dr. Dre and Snoop's way of trying to lure the real Tupac out of his hiding place to smack both of them in their thinking places, I hope it works! The Wall Street Journal reports Snoop and Dr. Dre are working out the details with Digital Domain Media Group, the pack of evil black magic-making witches who created Zombie Tupac. One of their ideas is to do a stadium tour where a bunch of rappers including 50 Cent and Eminem will perform next to Digital Ghost Tupac. The other idea is for Dr. Dre and Snoop to perform at smaller venues with S1m0ne Tupac. The CEO of Digital Domain told the WSJ that this is only the beginning and Dr. Dre has huge plans. Dude also said that they didn't use archival footage to create Tupac 2.0. They made him from scratch using a computer, a projector and a thin sheet of glass. It is not okay that there's going to be a Hologram Tupac tour and yet there's never been a tour starring the only hologram we need: JEM! Can Digital Domain make me a giant hologram of a middle finger to throw at Dr. Dre for coming up with this dark-sidedness? When I read that the CEO of Digital Domain promises that this is just the beginning, a virtual black cloud virtually covered me and I pictured a virtual Whitney Houston, a virtual Amy Winehouse, a virtual Michael Jackson and a virtual Tupac all performing a world tour together. They'll all virtually go to the virtual backstage afterward where they'll do virtual coke in between throwing virtual dollars at virtual strippers. I am virtually barfing. Why stop there, though? Why not make virtual people for everyone! Then us real-life people will never have to look at each other's faces. I can even have a virtual Prince Hot Ginge that will feed me virtual Zingers (zero virtual calories) as a virtual Sheamus fucks me in between the toes with his virtual peen. Wait. Stop. Hold it. Put a strike over everything except the last part and then tell me how many of my own internal organs I need to sell to make this happen! | |
| Good News, OctoMom Is Open To Doing Fap Porn | Top |
Seen here making the "giving two handjobs to two men on stilts" pose, OctoMom has swore on her arch-less minus sign brows that she'd do almost anything for money, but one thing she will never do for a check is rub her c-section scar on another naked human being. Howard Stern called into the whatcomesafterz-lister chat line, Dial-A-Star, and paid the $14 a minute rate to have phone sex with Octo. Click here if you need to hear that today, but if you'd much rather assault your eyes than assault your ears with Octo's "toddler after taking its first hit of meth" voice, I've transcribed it below: HS: How you doing, honey? Then, Gina, the madam of the Dial-A-Star, told Howard that she's trying to convince Octo to accept pornier offers including tapping her exit only baby chute on camera. Howard asked Octo about doing solo porn and she said that she's thinking about it: "I don't know yet. I'd have to really reflect on that. It depends on how much I'm offered. Oh, Octo doesn't have to worry about her child army resenting her for doing porn. They're going to resent her either way. They can't even spell "resentment" and they already know they resent her crazy ass. You know who I resent? Howard Stern. I resent him for putting the image of a diaper dildo in my head. I also resent myself, because while typing that headline, I was a few keystrokes away from accidentally typing "pap smear porn" instead. Even I can't Google that last one... (Okay, I just did and why am I not surprised that Vanessa Hudgens came up as the second picture?) | |
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