The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Hide Your Jewelry, Michelle Obama, Here Comes LiLo!
- The Publicists, I Mean, The People Have Spoken! Beyonce Is The World's Most Beautiful Woman!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 24th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- The Karkrashians Are $40 Million Richer
- Evening Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By A Creepy Public Breastfeeding PSA
- Mila Kunis Doesn't Want You To Know That She's Humping On Ashton Kutcher
- The Government Is Watching Susan Sarandon
| Hide Your Jewelry, Michelle Obama, Here Comes LiLo! | Top |
Fine silverware will be traded for Dixie plastic sporks and an open bar will be traded for a pitcher of water at the White House Correspondents Dinner this year, because Lindsay Lohan will show up as a guest of Greta Van Susteren. LiLo will join an illustrious list of past White House Correspondent Dinner guests that includes Kim Kardashian, Bristol Palin, Jeremy Piven, Brooke Burke, Sanjaya, Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson and Omarosa. I know, reading that list is like visiting the planetarium. So many bright shiny stars! If they were a constellation, their name would be the Orilly (short for the O Rilly These Whores Were Actually Invited To The White House?). Susan Sarandon has no laughs for that. LiLo's spokeswhore confirms to The Washington Post that she will be there along with her lawyer Shawn Holley who I'm guessing will be there as a crackheadsitter to make sure that ho doesn't break a glass over Hillary Clinton's head for looking at her wrong. The bad news is that Michelle Obama will have to Super Glue her diamond bracelet to her wrist if she doesn't want LiLo to snatch it away like the sneaky thief she is. But the good news is that the Secret Service don't have to go all the way to Colombia to get some leased coochie. This time, the call girl is coming to them! And here's LiLo looking like a freshly bloomed marigold at a Star Magazine party in L.A. last night. | |
| The Publicists, I Mean, The People Have Spoken! Beyonce Is The World's Most Beautiful Woman! | Top |
People has released their annual World's Most Beautiful Woman issue (known to you and me as the Whose Publicist Agreed To Give People The Most Exclusive Stories And Photo Spreads In Exchange For A Title That Doesn't Mean Shit? issue) and Beyonce beat out the likes of Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara and Paula Patton for the crown. Meanwhile, Solange was just named, for the 10th time in a row, the Basement's Most Beautiful Baby by Moth Ball Magazine (subscriber count: 1). Beyonce used her interview with People to let all of you pillow baby conspiracists know that B.I.C. came directly from her cashmere-covered womb. If you're a South American surrogate living in a Manhattan apartment mysteriously bought by a company called Lace Front Inc., please hold your laughter. "I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth. I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth. No comment. But I will comment on that cover. I, for one, am glad Beyonce was named the World's Most Beautiful Woman, because if she wasn't we wouldn't see this picture that looks straight out of a Glamour Shots in New Mexico. And now I leave you with these pictures of Dlisted's Most Beautiful Woman, Auntie Dionne, getting all the numbers in Philadelphia last night. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 24th! | Top |
This is just the beginning. Wait until you see what she has in store for the Team Pitt verses Team Theroux wedding day battle. - zomay Runners-up: When she read "Taylor Lautner enjoys a flamer with a giant tent" on one of the gossip websites, she knew just how to get his attention. - GingeMinge The House of Dereon has launched a line of plus size prom dresses. The designs are inspired by Illuminati fixtures such as teen werewolves, vampires and Satan's ninth circle of Hell. - SteelCityGirl via Regretsy | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The planet's newest world wonder: Pizza Hut's Cheeseburger Crusted Pizza! This utopia of deliciousness is only sold at Pizza Huts in the Middle East, so yeah, I'll see all of you at the airport. It'll be easy to spot me in the security line, because I'll be the one grabbing onto my stomach bag as it tries to escape out of my ass. I don't even recognize the sounds my stomach is making right now. This is what it sounds like when your will to live cries. We were told as children that the cheeseburger crusted pizza was a mythical creature that only existed deep inside of Kirstie Alley's greasy dreams, but dreams are made to come true. Pizza Hut's Crown Crust Pizza also comes with a chicken fillet stuffed crust, but who cares about that when you can wrap your eating hole around a pizza that is giving birth (or shitting) out tiny cheeseburgers! It's like a piece of Jessica Simpson's afterbirth in your mouth. One of my arteries popped just from watching the commercial and that's always a good sign! I don't know whether I should feel proud or disappointed that this Giving Up On Life Special didn't come from the fat bitch capital of the world: America. Yeah, I definitely feel the latter, but I'll be proud to be an American again when Pizza Hut US introduces the first ever deep fried bacon stuffed cheeseburger crusted pizza wrapped in a corn dog shell with a tub of Hidden Valley Ranch dipping frosting on the side. Don't me down, Amurica! via Eater | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Hank Azaria (48) | |
| The Karkrashians Are $40 Million Richer | Top |
That cash-collection cackling just warmed the veins in Lucifer's horns. Pimp Mama Kris is so winning that lifetime achievement award at the Pimp's Ball this year, because her stable of whores will get paid $40 million dollars for three more seasons of doing absolutely nothing in front of E!'s cameras. E! announced today that they have made their sacrifice to Satan by renewing Keeping Up With the Kuntrashians for 3 more seasons and TMZ says the deal is worth $40 million. Kim, Khloezilla, the other one, Pimp Mama Kris and their lesbian grandma Bruce Jenner will get their greedy paws around most of the pot and Kendall, Kylie and Rob will get the rest. Scott Disick and Lamar Odom have their own deals. The deal only includes the Kuntrashian's current shit shows, so Kim will make even more money when E! eventually greenlights Kim & Kanye Kill Humanity. And TMZ doesn't even mention how much E! put in Ryan Seacrest's leprechaun pot for staying on as executive producer. That's on top of the $30 million he's getting for Idol. It's Teabag Tuesdays at the Scientology's men's lounge, so usually Tommy Girl is the happiest troll in all the land, but not today. Gaycrest is! I can think of a lot better ways to spend $40 million (examples: make a burning man out of one dollar bills and let the hippies burn it to the ground, buy PUPPIES for everyone, pay a discount hooker to give $1 handjobs to 40 million people, etc...), but we're to blame. We created these whores! We fed the whore monster. Speaking of feeding the monster, Ray-J has his crooked peen out and is patiently waiting for Pimp Mama Kris to feed it 10% of their deal for creating all of this. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
| Oh look, Gary Giordano's got a new business venture - OMG Blog I bet even Jason Segel and Michelle Williams' after-Mexican food farts sound cute together - Lainey Gossip But is Megan Fox's maybe baby going to get her toe thumbs? - The Superficial Fist Brown is a pit bull puppy broker now - Celebitchy Nothing like a little super brotherly love in the Mushroom Kingdoom - Towleroad Pamela Anderon's luscious weave tracks look like squid jerky - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather A check is a check: Alfonso Ribeiro twerks it in a nationwide Carlton Dance flash mob to advertise some weight loss shit - The Daily What Miley Cyrus Tweets a picture of her legs, which might be the most exciting thing she's done in a while - Hollywood Tuna That'll be gold-covered lifts for Ryan Seacrest from now on, thankyouverymuch - ICYDK And yet that taxidermy raven is still more photogenic than Celing Eyes - Popoholic Fisting gone wrong? - Popsugar I'd rather see 23 pictures of the hot bitch in picture #20 - The Berry Compton's own Stretch Armstrong doll (copyright: Fresh) shoots down your Hologram Tupac dreams - Crunk + Disorderly For why doesn't John Travolta ever get a 5 minute segment on the local news when he goes trolling through The Rambles? - Videogum Being a crazy slut is a lot better than being John Edwards - Hollywood Rag Cher finally reveals her natural hair - Cityrag The trailer tramp look does wonders for Nicole Kidman and it's the hottest she's ever looked - Just Jared | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Creepy Public Breastfeeding PSA | Top |
| I hate those dumb piece of trash ass bitches who lose their minds over women feeding their babies in public, because if it wasn't for them there wouldn't be a need for this PSA starring a baby with terrifying CGI dentures. A talking baby is one thing, but a baby with veneers like a Real Housewife is another. The Louisville Mayor's Office is crazy for this one. Who really wants to breastfeed a baby with huge chompers like that? Breastfeeding is supposed to be a bonding experience and how can you bond with your baby when she's spitting out chewed up pieces of your nipple meat? When crazies start making straws for your nipples, you can blame this ad. And Come On Everybody Dot Org?! Now I know who took Dlisted's original name. via Buzzfeed | |
| Mila Kunis Doesn't Want You To Know That She's Humping On Ashton Kutcher | Top |
Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That '70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We're just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they're totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila: "He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I'm not surprised by this – at all." Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he's hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks. Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher? Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy? Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton's peen in your mouth. Seriously, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen! And here's a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn't Mila Kunis. I'm only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton's sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies. | |
| The Government Is Watching Susan Sarandon | Top |
Susan Sarandon's friends now know why every time there's a leak in her ceiling, she truly believes it's from a wire tapper in her attic dropping his glass of water after a rat jumped in front of him. During a Q&A about politics at the Tribeca Film Festival with fellow liberal activist Michael Moore, an audience member asked both of them if they've ever felt like they were under surveillance. Susan says something in the government milk definitely ain't clean, because her phone has been tapped and the White House isn't about to let her in. From HuffPo: After an audience member asked the pair if they believed they were "under surveillance," Sarandon said she didn't just believe it, she knew it. "I've had my phone tapped ... I've gotten my file twice under the Freedom of Information Act," she said, before mentioning the security clearance snafu. She said she had no idea why the clearance was denied, and jokingly asked the questioner if he knew the reason. (The Huffington Post has reached out to the White House for comment.) The White House won't let Susan in because The Banger Sisters was a federal offense and somebody has to pay for it. Maybe it's because I've listened to too many crazy ranting homeless prophets on the subway and I'm starting to believe them, but I was under the impression that the government is WATCHING ALL OF US. I thought all politicians and shit spend their day eating Bugles in their dirty panties on the sofa while watching us on the thousands of screens in front of them. Sort of like The Hunger Games but with less child murder. That's not a filling in your molar, that's an audio recording device. That's not a coat rack in your bedroom, that's a treadmill with a hidden camera in it. Since the government is watching us at all times, can those motherfuckers please drop a tube of lube at the foot of my bed when I run out of lotion during fap times? I'm sure I have at least one sponsor who feels my pain. | |
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