The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Someone's Going Hard For His Second Oscar
- This Is Not What Any Of Us Signed Up For
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 18th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Have You Been Longing For The Days When Mad Mel Raged Out Of His Mind?
- The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Will No Longer Be As Elegant And Sophisticated
- Evening Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By InTouch Weekly's Issue From The Future
- New Year's Eve Is Canceled FOREVER!
| Someone's Going Hard For His Second Oscar | Top |
It's amazing what GOOP's silicone second chin from Shallow Hal and a fat suit borrowed from The Insider can do. Here's Sir Anthony Hopkins in full Alfred Hitchcock drag for that movie about the making of Psycho, which also stars Helen Mirren, Toni Collette, ScarJo, Jessica Bile (typo and it stays), The Karate Kid and James D'Arcy. Yup, I see it. This picture has suddenly made me jealous of all the dudes who were lucky enough to piss next to Hitchcock in a public bathroom. If you stand sideways next to this picture, you can kind of know what it felt like. I bet you could always count on Hitchcock to never look down. via Coming Soon | |
| This Is Not What Any Of Us Signed Up For | Top |
| If the anticipation for the all-pecs Showgirls, Magic Mike, was a hot piece you met at a bar, then its trailer will feel you with the same cold emotion you feel when you pull down that hot piece's chonies and stare directly at a tequila worm-sized soft dick that is looking at you like, "Meh." The blood from your sex parts rushes up into your brain. That's not what's supposed to happen! Magic Mike is supposed to be 90 minutes of man bananas flopping around in hammocks over and over again, but by the looks of the trailer that's not what it is at all. Close-up shots of sweat trickling down Matt Boner's nipple have been replaced by shots of the ugly ass junkyard furniture Channing Tatum's stupid character made. A slow motion montage of ass cheeks clenching on stage has been replaced by some annoying walking lady jaw who won't stop talking! Joe Man-Jello twerking his pecs to "Turbo Love" has been replaced by a RiRi Song. Why couldn't the marketing whores for this movie just give me the trailer that was in my head?! I don't want some rom-com where a bottom of the barrel Blake Lively (who is a bottom of the barrel Kate Hudson who is a bottom of the barrel Goldie Hawn) keeps telling the strippers to put their clothes on, stop dancing, cover up, don't be a stripper, do something with their lives, blah, blah, blah ... Bitch is like that parent who keeps knocking on the bathroom door while you're trying to fap in piece. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 18th! | Top |
"I know this is the way to make a mermaid." - literary lioness Runners-up: To show the world she isn't such an elitist, Fishy Paltrow makes out with her chauffer. What the world doesn't know is she's wearing a platinum plated mouth guard and a mermaid scale body stocking lined in dupioni silk. She disposed of them and the chauffer afterward. - Cerebratious via WOW Report | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Masafumi Nagasaki, a 76-year-old hermit who is living the naked, sand-all-up-in-his-ass, crazy life on a deserted island in Japanese. This is some Survivor meets that Tom Hanks volleyball movie meets Grey Gardens minus the cat army shit. Masafumi tells Reuters that he was looking for the perfect place to spend the sunset phase of his life and he eventually found a small island far, far away from Tokyo. Masafumi not only stripped his panties off, but he stripped his entire life down to the basics. Masafumi mainly eats rice cakes bought at an island an hour away and he bathes in rain water he collects in pots. The only time he covers his nipples and taint with clothes is when he takes his boat to Iriomote island to pick up the money his family sends him and to buy drinking water, rice cakes and cigarettes. The rest of the time, Masafumi stays on his one man nudist colony retirement island and he's never going to leave: "Finding a place to die is an important thing to do, and I've decided here is the place for me. It hadn't really occurred to me before how important it is to choose the place of your death, like whether it's in a hospital or at home with family by your side. But to die here, surrounded by nature - you just can't beat it, can you?" And you can't get closer to nature than picking crabs off of your butt hair (we've all been there) with one hand while trying to squeeze sand out of your peen hole with the other. What impresses me most about Masafumi is that even though his only neighbors are crustaceans and shit, he is still keeping it cute. That pink towel turban IS fashion. When you see fashion whores with a dish towel turban on their head, you know who worked it first and better. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Luis Miguel (42) | |
| Have You Been Longing For The Days When Mad Mel Raged Out Of His Mind? | Top |
| Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again. Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it. It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below: "GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH" That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes. | |
| The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Will No Longer Be As Elegant And Sophisticated | Top |
Personally, I think Sheree throwing the lines "Fix that face" and "Trim down those doggy teeth" at NeNe during the reunion earned her a ticket for season 5 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but Bravo isn't trying to agree with me. However, Marmaduke's cousin twice removed at the water dish is out there trying to spin it like she's the one who opened the exit door instead of getting evicted from the cast. Sheree told Wet Paint that the rumor that she was fired from the cast is false and she's leaving on her own free will. CAUTION: Delusion ahead. "After four solid seasons of helping Bravo build the show into its most successful Housewives franchise, I have decided to leave. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle. I'm tired of the fighting and the cattiness." Translation: "After four solid seasons of making myself look like a delusional ass, I have decided to calmly leave before Bravo gets their security to drag me out. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle since the producers expect us to have money and I've only got a pile of dirt, a patch of grass and a few logs of squirrel shit to my name. I'm not joking. Have you seen Chateau Sheree lately? I'm tired of buying $1200 dresses to wear on camera and I'm really tired of those salespeople at Neiman's rolling their eyes at me when I go to return that shit. I was about to say that I'm tired of the cattiness, but then I realized that I'm usually the bitch who starts it all! I want to be a part of something that pays in cash and requires me to do as little as possible. I wish the rest of the women will go to hell. I'm thrilled to say I need a damn job and am already fielding offers. And by that I mean two bill collectors are trying to crawl through my A/C vent. Who gon check me boo? Oh, Bravo just did." But seriously, I, for one, will miss Sheree's beautiful delusions of grandeur. It takes a special someone to drive around in a leased $120,000 Porsche with confidence while tumbleweeds blow through her checking account. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
The exact moment when Selena Gomez finally says to herself, "Why me? Where did I go wrong? Why is my boyfriend having a playdate with a more age appropriate girlfriend? I wonder what that dad is doing later?" - Lainey Gossip "Oh, so that's why your coochie tasted like black licorice that day" said Kelly Brook's hot piece of a boyfriend - The Superficial FYI: Miranda Kerr can comb the back of her head with her foot - Hollywood Tuna Kanye says that something that sounds like something he'd say doesn't even sound like something he'd say - Celebitchy Behold, Ashley Tisdale's thighgina - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Madge is a proud graduate of the Do As I Say Not As I Do School of Parenting - Towleroad Because you should definitely wear a catsuit that makes it look like you've got a herpes rash (as drawn by Lisa Frank) on your snatch - Go Fug Yourself I'll be in my room with picture #3 - The Berry Cut it while cooking? Chipmunk, please. What really happened is that Trace Cyrus almost bit Miley's finger off when she dropped a little apple sauce on it. - IDLYITW My thoughts and prayers are with the 6 adult men (including her husband) who had to help Mimi get out of this position - ICYDK Brooklyn Decker is wearing panties. In GQ. That is all. - Popoholic Kate Hudson demonstrates the new and most forward thing in parenting: the human neti pot! Take that, Alicia Silverstone! - Popsugar Yes, it's the Golden Showers Girls (not a Kardashian post) - OMG Blog Okay, how many blunts did RiRi give Time to get on the Most Influential list? - Just Jared I'd totally do Reese Witherspoon's Photoshopped chin - Cityrag At first I was like, "Jenny McCarthy is looking hoooo-oh wait" - Hollywood Rag Adam Levine fapped into that mug, right? - SOW There's a thin line between dropping a drunk fart and letting out a poop pebble, and Xtina definitely crossed it in this picture - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By InTouch Weekly's Issue From The Future | Top |
You're not reading this from a raft while floating on a sea of Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid after she flooded the earth during birth, so that means she's still pregnant. Well, InTouch Weekly's new editor must be Miss Cleo, because they have all the details of Jessica's future labor day including whether she had a C-section or punane birth (SPOILER ALERT: Neither. The 4-year-old tried to slip out the back hoping she can start a life for herself somewhere far away. Didn't happen.) and what the first words she said to her daughter were (SPOILER ALERT: She said, "Uh, are you going to eat the rest of that placenta?"). In other news... Suri, I know it's your birthday and you're busy unwrapping the amythest-encrusted live unicorn your daddy bought you, but please find the time to Western Union your sister some rent money. | |
| New Year's Eve Is Canceled FOREVER! | Top |
The most overused phrase of 2012 is "the Mayans were right," but really, the Mayans were right, because 2012 is frozen is in time now that Dick Clark is no longer here to count us down into the next year. TMZ says that Dick went up to the great big American Bandstand in the sky this at the age of 82. Dick underwent some kind of outpatient procedure at L.A.'s St. John's Hospital late last night and his agent tells ABC News that he died of a "massive heart attack" afterward. Dick suffered a major stroke in 2004 and shortly after he semi-retired from hosting "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve," but still came back every year. Dick is survived by his wife Kari Wigton (Side note: Wigton is a hot last name) and his three children. Aaaand we're left with Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, cancel January 31st. | |
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