Thursday, April 26, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

QOTD: Joan Cusack's Bitchy Advice To Gabourey Sidibe Top

Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:

"It's not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she... I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, 'Are you an actress?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And she says, 'Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It's so image conscious.' I think she really, really meant it in a good way... I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, 'Oh, but I love you, please don't tell me to quit my job.'"

Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

John Travolta isn't wearing a wallet chain! John is not THAT tacky, thankyouverymuch. That's just a leash for his butt plug so it doesn't get lost up in there. - Lainey Gossip

Mila Kunis plays it right and will never admit to having sexual intercourse with that douche - The Superficial

Future Headine: Kris Jenner sues the producers of The Dictator for using footage from Khloe Kardashian's birth - Towleroad

Sam MerLESS is now part owner of Brit Brit Spears - Celebitchy

What in the name of Solid Gold meets MC Hammer Hell is JLo wearing? - Hollywood Tuna

Christina Milian's 1985 prom hair is causing me to suffer from hairspray inhalation - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The ghost of Blake Lively's future isn't looking totally fugged up - Popoholic

What a beautiful Levitz showroom - The Berry

Should I make an uncalled for Jessica Simpson joke or do you want to do the honors? - ICYDK

Either Suri is really into that cupcake or she's eating whatever is left of Katie's soul with her eyes - Popsugar

RiRi's gramps can't believe he got out of his La-Z-Boy recliner to come to this shit - Crunk + Disorderly

I'm mad that when I clicked "get the look" it didn't take me to Olgivie's website - Just Jared

Let me fix that for you, Tara: "You are a mess, you have to go out and eat an entire bottle of vodka." - Celebslam

The puggle shuffle - Cityrag

I bet Nancy Draw can solve the mystery of who exactly is Jessie's girl - SOW

Jayde Nicole is still working that ho stroll - Hollywood Rag

One word: JAPAN - Videogum

Oh how the mighty who were never mighty have fallen - OMG Blog

Wearing a dress from Charo's wardrobe is yet another shit decision made by Kim Zolciak - I'm Not Obsessed

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 26th! Top

via Break.com

 
Open Post: Hosted By Granny Spoons Top


You know you're about to witness the performance of the year month week day hour when it starts with the star feeding a bunch of kangaroos. Here's Deb "Spoons" Perry, the most talented Perry of all the Perrys, slapping the nickel off some spoons while SPOONING FOR HER LIFE to The Black Keys' "Lonely Boy." When Granny Spoon's grandchildren talk sass, she can slap them in the mouth with her spoon while making beautiful music. Work them spoons, granny.

via Tastefully Offensive

 
A-Rod Hasn't Met A Lot Of Human Beings Top

A-Rod, the Christina Hendricks of major league baseball, has moved on from Cameron Diaz to another naranja-skinned blonde with a torso like the Hulk's muscled shaft, but she'll forever hold a special place deep within the six-pack on his roided-up heart. The Insider's Kevin Frazier interviewed A-Rod for some reason and asked him about his past pieces. A-Rod lit up like a trick just stuck a roid needle in his ass and the nipples on his magnificent MVCs (most valuable chichis) puckered when he started talking about Cameron Diaz. via Page Six:

"I don't like talking about my relationships, but I will tell you about CD: She's probably one of the greatest human beings I've ever met, and just an amazing light."

I typed out that shade throwing headline before I really thought about this. A-Rod is a simple bitch, so my ass is assuming that he considers Cameron the greatest human being alive, because she never flinched while massaging Lubriderm into his under titty crevices and she's always got a Ziploc bag full of the good shit in her pocket. And when he said she's "just an amazing light" he meant that she's an experienced stoner who can steadily hold a lighter over a bowl while doing bong hits in the back of a pick-up truck driving on a bumpy dirt road during a windy night. So if that's what A-Rod means, I won't say that the roids must've crept up into his brain and ate the part that stores all the memories of most of the human beings he's met. No, I won't.

Here's the greatest human being A-Rod has ever met at CinemaCon in Las Vegas yesterday.

 
CORRECTION: OctoMom Gets $4,000 A Month From Taxpayers Top


video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

When TMZ said last month that OctoMom was getting $2,000 a month in food stamps, I couldn't figure out how she could feed a family of 26 (including her multiple personalities) on such little money. Well, I don't have to worry about the OctoKids eating each other's boogers for nourishment while locked in their baby prison, because she said in an interview with Good Morning America that she's actually getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month from California taxpayers. It's good to know that when Octo feeds her child army breakfast by putting out a giant bowl of water in the backyard, she pours Cheerios brand Cheerios in there instead of the generic brand Cheerios that come in a plastic bag. You know which one I'm talking about.

Octo was on GMA to defend herself against those pictures of her Baby House of Terror. Octo's hairstylist, the one she paid $520 for a Brazilian Blowout, ratted a bitch out by giving the pictures to TMZ and the La Habra Police Department. Octo told GMA that she was set up and it's not as bad as it looks.

On her chirruns bonding with nature by going caca in potty training toilets in the backyard, because her indoor plumbing was busted: "She (the hairstylist) thought it was unacceptable that they're, you know, half-naked, goin' potty. I mean, moms out there, come on." (Note: The toilets in her house are fixed now.)

On how she didn't lock her children up in the bedroom. She put the chair there to keep them out: "I didn't want the kids to go in there at the time and one of my older kids jammed the chair up there so they wouldn't keep opening and closing the door."

On how she paid $520 to maintain her hair beauty when she's on public assistance and doesn't have a steady job: Octo says the $520 included a Brazilian Blowout and haircuts for the entire family. "I am making money, though. I have jobs and can afford it."

On how she's getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month in food stamps: "It's almost over. This is our last month on help."

Why do her 15 thousand kids need haircuts, anyway? Suze Orman needs to nail this bitch with another clue. You don't need to pay someone to cut your kid's hair when you can do it yourself. Kids can have jacked up hair, they're kids! Growing up middle class, my mom could afford to take us to MasterCuts, but when she didn't feel like it she took us to the backyard and cut our mops herself. All you need is a pair of scissors, two semi-working hands and the ability to hold in a laugh when your kid ends up with a haircut from the HERP DERP look book. My sister's hair couldn't look more fucked up if she cut it herself in the garbage disposal. It had layers, alright, and each layer was more messed up than the next. It was the 80s, though, so we just looked New Wave. See, Octo's kids can bring back New Wave glamour!

And as for Octo, bitch's hair looks fine and it doesn't need a blow job from Brazil. What Octo needs to do is go out into nature, lay down on the dirt and wait until some stupid birds mistake those bushy brows for hairy caterpillars. Let their beaks fix her eyebrow situation, because it needs fixing bad.

 
Keep On Trolling, Fox News! Top

To prepare for this Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner, the White House staff is gluing down all valuables and mirrors since Lindsay Lohan will be there as Greta Van Susteren's guest. And now the White House staff has to also glue down all black dicks too, because Kim Kuntrashian has been invited for the second time. Yeah, I'm talking about the White House Correspondents' Dinner and not the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner. (I would totally buy a ticket to the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner, by the way.)

Mediate says that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris will be there as guests of Fox News. The rest of the guest list isn't as whorey and I'm hoping LiLo and Kim's table will be in the back alley and they'll have to watch the event on an analog TV while the Secret Service offers them a Washington for a quick handy. The rest of the guest list includes: Daniel Day-Lewis, Uggie the Dog, Dakota Fanning, Sofia Vergara, Charlize Theron, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, The Mythbusters, Zooey Deschanel, Stevie Wonder, George Clooney, Goldie Hawn, Sookeh & Beehl, Fred Armisen, William Levy and Aziz Ansari.

And then there's LiLo and Kim...

I think I learned in science class that the sign God needs to end civilization by hitting the red button in his home office is a Lohan shaking hands with the President just as the First Lady compliments a Kuntrashian on her pearl necklace. No, I'm just being melodramatic as usual. Nobody's going to notice those pieces of trash since all the attention in the room will be on Snooki (as a guest of MTV) and Courtney Stodden (as a guest of InTouchWeekly).

 
"Angelina Can Have That Bitch!" Top

Today is a day we all pissed in a toilet (unless you're Ke$hit or the OctoKids), which means it's another day when we all get to hear Jennifer Aniston's feelings about her ex-piece marrying the Alexis to her Krystle. Hollywood Life fired up the fuckery train first when they said Jennifer is happy for Brangie and will go to the wedding if she's invited. That story earned 5 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes on the foolery scale. Then E! News said that Jennifer's feelings about the Brangie wedding are as indifferent as Brad's feelings about shampooing (2 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes). Then The National Enquirer broke the foolery scale and caused Zahara to up-eye so hard that her eyeballs are stuck in that position forever when they said that the Brangie wedding news made Jennifer do the slow-motion wall slide while punching at her Angie Jolie voodoo doll. Well, now it's UsWeekly's turn and their source says Jennifer isn't sliding against any walls since unlike the tabloids (and my stupid ass) she has moved on centuries ago.

The source says that Jennifer has taken Brad, put him in the middle of a giant sheet of Reynolds Wrap and sculpted a foil swan around him before handing her lukewarm leftovers to Angie. The source went on to say this about Jennifer's feelings on her foil swan's upcoming wedding, "She hates it being brought up because she doesn't really care. She feels Angelina can have him. She just wants to move on. Jen's totally happy with Justin. That's all in the past."

This back and forth is never going to end. Jen's PR team (who looks like this) plants one story and Brangie's PR team (who looks like this) responds by planting another. Since Jennifer Aniston only talks about Brad and Angie when she has a movie to whore out, can't she shoot one of her rom-coms in one afternoon (that's how long it takes, right?) and release it the day after tomorrow. Then she can spend tomorrow promoting that shit and she can finally break her legendary silence on this highly important matter. Then the tabloids can finally move on to more newsworthy stories like how Zahara and Maddox are scrappin' over who gets to be maid of honor.

 
Ke$hit Continues To Document Her Acts Of Severe Classiness Top

What ho hasn't drunkenly pissed in the dirt on the side of the highway as flat bed trucks go driving by and who hasn't squatted over a bar bathroom sink when the line for the regular toilet is too long? Every ho has! But of course, Garbage Pail Skank Ke$hit thinks she's the first trick to do it and bragged about it to her Twatter followers (via UsWeekly) by sharing this picture with them. I know, she's SO hardcore. I'd be more surprised if Ke$ha Tweeted a picture of herself using actual unused toilet paper to wipe. Ke$ha also added this note to the picture, which confirms that when she's not making musical herpes, she's writing spam e-mails:

pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.

PoPo? More like the health department. Think of all dogs who now have VD warts on their noses from sniffing on Ke$ha's piss puddle (Yes, her coochie warts are so potent they can infect airborne). No, but seriously, if Ke$ha wasn't a dumb a$$, she wouldn't have given this picture out for free. Kim Kardashian made millions of dollars thanks to piss and Ke$ha ain't got shit to show for it except pee stains in her chonies. Either keep it to yourself or #getmoneybitch.

And where was the Deputy Sheriff of PAPP (Pepaws Against Public Pissing) when we needed him most?

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 25th! Top

Due to the recent hospitalization of several of their students, the Helen Keller School for the Blind sued "Cat in the Box" for failing to include Braille directions. - atlantapug

Runners-up:

Tired of Disney paying below union scale wages, Tigger ships off to Seacrest Productions, where every talentless pussy becomes a star! - sybil

When Bieber received his housewarming present from Selena, it came with very specific guidelines. - SteelCityGirl

via Gravy Holocaust

 

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