The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Stop It, Charlize!
- OctoMom, Who? It's All About NonuMom!
- Needs More Smoke Monster
- Sarah Michelle Gellar Is Having Another Baby
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 26th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Did You Expect Anything Less From LiLo?
- QOTD: Joan Cusack's Bitchy Advice To Gabourey Sidibe
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Stop It, Charlize! | Top |
Charlize Theron knows how to pick a dress (see: the hot fishnetted work of sophistication she wore to CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night), once climbed naked up Mount ASkars, auditioned for the role of Nomi Malone in Showgirls and is a crafty stoner who can probably make a toilet paper roll sploof in seconds. So because of all of that, Charlize could do no wrong in my eyes until I read this quote from Access Hollywood. Charlize told Access Hollywood that she bonded with Kristen Stewart while shooting Snow White and the Huntsman and now she considers Lip Biter one of her good friends.
They totally lezzed out and I'm sure Charlize has had Lip Biter's teeth marks on her labia lips at one point or another. I will not judge Charlize for getting her some KStew, but I will judge her for saying that she would jump off of a building for Kristen Fucking Stewart. Maybe at the time she said it Charlize was stoned into another world where the clouds catch you when you jump off of buildings. Does Charlize realize what happens to you in real life when you jump off of a tall building? You dead. Or you mess yourself up so bad that you end up in the ICU and the nurses there won't let your weed man visit you. And they definitely won't' let you make a bong out of an apple. I don't care if it's a figure of speech, you don't say shit like that about the trick from Twatlight! I swear, I totally misjudged Kristen Stewart's skills. Bitch can munch the crazy right up into you. | |
| OctoMom, Who? It's All About NonuMom! | Top |
Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda of Coahuila, Mexico will take OctoMom's stretched out, war veteran uterus and raise her a womb that is about to be inducted into the Mexican Womb Hall of Fame. As OctoMom is quickly losing whatever is left of her sanity while trying to raise 14 kids, Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda is quickly losing her hearing from listening to the stretched out pores on her belly scream "SANTO DIOS!!!!" in unison. Televisa (via HuffPo) is reporting that Karla could become NonuMom on May 20th when she's scheduled to pop out 9 human babies in a hospital in Saltillo. Karla's got an entire quinceañera court up in there! There are conflicting reports as to whether or not Karla used fertility treatments. The Mexican media says that ho must have the baby making parts of a damn mouse, because they're hearing that her litter of 9 was conceived naturally. One month before Karla became a fetus-stuffed piñata, she gave birth to triplets. Now, that is a Duggar on speed. But the American media reports that Karla did use fertility treatments. If the Mexican media is right, then Karla must've been inseminated with bunny sperm or KFed and Lil Wayne's peen sneezed into her chocha at the same time. Those are the only two explanations I can think of. Karla told the press that she hasn't yet come up with names for her six girls and three boys, "It's very early to think of names for the babies. First I hope that everything goes well." Karla should just make it easier for herself and name them all Concepcion. It's the greatest name ever and it also describes what Karla spends most of her time doing. If everything goes well, this will be the highest multiple births on record. Karla is having the c-section of all c-sections, right? And Karla's doctors have already told her to not use the v-word (vaginal birth) out loud, right? Because if she did, homegirl's coochie will jump off her body and run toward the Gulf of Mexico to hide itself underwater. It is not here for that kind of shit! (Picture of Karla via El Diario) (Thanks to Anilu & Dawn) | |
| Needs More Smoke Monster | Top |
| If you took scenes from Lost season 1, a piece of seaweed dipped in pink-dyed boric acid, a screen grab from a Pokemon porn, a candy raver's cum shot, a print out from an Angelfire page devoted to Atlantis Cruises, costumes from the Exit to Eden wardrobe closet and stuffed them all into a kaleidoscope with a broken lens, this is what you'd see while looking into that shit. Nicki Minaj's video for "Starships" is basically just a collection of random shit. There's shots of her rolling around the sand like a constipated walrus in heat trying to scratch its own asshole mixed in with lost scenes from the luau in Six Days, Seven Nights. Obviously, Nicki's shit video cost a lot of money, but this raver island mess still makes Heidi Montag's masterpiece of a video for "Higher" look like it was shot by Steven Spielberg on an 8-figure budget over the course of 12 weeks. Cleanse your palate with some TRUE art: | |
| Sarah Michelle Gellar Is Having Another Baby | Top |
Three things. First, Freddie Prinze Jr. still exists and still breathes in the same oxygen we all breathe in even though he rarely graces the screen with his completely organic and not at all wood-like acting skills that make a cardboard Keanu Reeves cutout look like the reincarnation of Laurence Fucking Olivier. Freddie's just a stay-at-home dad now, slaving away in the kitchen making sandwiches like all good stay-at-home dads do. Second, Freddie's going to have to make more sandwiches, because Sarah Michelle Gellar got knocked up again. Third and most important, why can't I stop eating rice pudding baby food at night? How did this happen? I'm not even doing it as a role playing thing and I'm not even adding rum to that shit. Is this what it feels like to be Jennifer Aniston? Am I finally matching my eating habits to my IQ (no offense to rice pudding-eating babies with new brains that aren't fully warmed up)? Anyillprobablybewearingdiapersandafuckingbonnetnext, Sarah Michelle Gellar's got a womb full of baby! A source tells People that Freddie and Sarah Michelle's 2-year-old daughter Charlotte Grace is going to be somebody's sister soon.
Their love will only multiply? Who says that shit? I didn't know Paula Anka was one of People's sources. The three of us who watch Ringer aren't surprised by this news since Bridget/Shavon (I'm too lazy to spell it the fancy way) was looking swole in the torso on the season finale. And yes, not only did I admit that I eat rice pudding baby food for dinner, but I also admitted that I watched Ringer in its entirety. You should probably have my landlord check on me later, because with the way that things are going it's only a matter of time before I overdose on baby food, pass out face-first into my boyfriend pillow and lie there in a coma as my 12 cats (they magically showed up when I started eating baby food) chew my fingers off. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 26th! | Top |
To become greener, ABC decides to harness the hot air from The View. - magusxxx Runners-up: In more boring parts of America, Outdoor Vaporizing has become a competitive, almost Olympic sport. - squiggy The Duggar brood take their parents to the park and drop some not-too-subtle hints on their folks. - Skinnymalinky These are the barf bags needed to get through the next 3 seasons of the Kardashians. - WhoDatSaintsFan via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Because purple and red together is so now, here's the glamorous new Purple Crab that was found on the island of Palawan in the Philippines by scientists. Scientists are trying to tell us that these Purple Crabs only exist on Palawan, because the ocean has kept them from traveling farther, but hooooooo please. Those scientists have a bunch of fancy degrees and have studied all sorts of rare crabs from untouched exotic islands and Parasite Hilton's pussy, but I know glamour. The purple body.... The red polish on those claws... The twinkle of attitude in those eyes... The Purple Crab didn't originate in the Philippines, it originated on Prince's crotch! This crustacean formerly known as the Purple Crab is now known as the Prince Crab. Update your files, crab scientists! And you are wrong if you try to order the Prince Crab at Red Lobster this weekend. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Casey Kasem (80) | |
| Did You Expect Anything Less From LiLo? | Top |
Seen here on the Glee set today looking like Gollum's cig-addicted mother who works at the last truck stop before Mordor, Lindsay Lohan's pristine reputation as a responsible, hard-working, polite and pleasant employee remains non-existent! LiLo worked on the Glee set for a total of 3 days (counting today) and so far a cast member has eye rolled her on Twitter and hos have described her as a "nightmare." White Oprah just lifted her head off of a bartender's body after doing a shot out of his belly button and said, "That's my little mess!" E! News says that LiLo's first day of shooting actually caused a few crew members to die of shock, because she showed up on time, knew her lines and was completely professional. Well, did you think LiLo would deprive the cast of crew from experiencing her signature spoiled cunt theatrics? Of course not. For her second day of shooting yesterday, LiLo showed up 3 hours late and acted like she didn't want to be there even though she should be polishing everyone's taint with her tongue for giving her a chance. Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Bieste, Tweeted and then deleted this yesterday morning: "Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I'd rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late." E!'s source added that she "did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her." LiLo's rep Steve Honig, who must have broken dozens of pairs of stress balls with his butt cheeks while lying for this ho, did his job by defending her ass: "The production team came to us and said that they wanted to start [with Lindsay] right after lunch, which was at 2. They wanted to begin with Lindsay at 3, so that meant she had a lot of time where she wasn't doing anything. That's why people didn't see her. She was then in hair and makeup and began after lunch at 3. If there was a problem yesterday, I would have just said 'no comment,' however I can't ignore this because this is utter B.S. This is a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today." Steve Honig is so good at spitting the bull shit that if you ever need someone to call in sick for you when you're not sick or to tell your boyfriend that you didn't cheat on him with some trick from the bar when you did, he's the dude you need in your life. Another Glee source said that LiLo showed up on time today and has been on her best behavior so far. When it comes to showing up on time, LiLo is like my cousins. If you want their tardy for the party asses to show up at 5, you have to tell them to be there at 2. If the producers of Glee expected her to always be on set, they should've shot all her scenes at the bar at Chateau Marmont. If they wanted her to memorize lines, they should've wrote those lines on a coke-snorting mirror. They didn't even try to work with her! The producers brought this upon themselves and they only have themselves to blame. Signed, White Oprah. (stunning portrait of LiLo via Pacific Coast News) | |
| QOTD: Joan Cusack's Bitchy Advice To Gabourey Sidibe | Top |
Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:
Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
John Travolta isn't wearing a wallet chain! John is not THAT tacky, thankyouverymuch. That's just a leash for his butt plug so it doesn't get lost up in there. - Lainey Gossip Mila Kunis plays it right and will never admit to having sexual intercourse with that douche - The Superficial Future Headine: Kris Jenner sues the producers of The Dictator for using footage from Khloe Kardashian's birth - Towleroad Sam MerLESS is now part owner of Brit Brit Spears - Celebitchy What in the name of Solid Gold meets MC Hammer Hell is JLo wearing? - Hollywood Tuna Christina Milian's 1985 prom hair is causing me to suffer from hairspray inhalation - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather The ghost of Blake Lively's future isn't looking totally fugged up - Popoholic What a beautiful Levitz showroom - The Berry Should I make an uncalled for Jessica Simpson joke or do you want to do the honors? - ICYDK Either Suri is really into that cupcake or she's eating whatever is left of Katie's soul with her eyes - Popsugar I'm mad that when I clicked "get the look" it didn't take me to Olgivie's website - Just Jared Let me fix that for you, Tara: "You are a mess, you have to go out and eat an entire bottle of vodka." - Celebslam The puggle shuffle - Cityrag I bet Nancy Draw can solve the mystery of who exactly is Jessie's girl - SOW One word: JAPAN - Videogum Oh how the mighty who were never mighty have fallen - OMG Blog Wearing a dress from Charo's wardrobe is yet another shit decision made by Kim Zolciak - I'm Not Obsessed | |
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