Thursday, April 19, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 19th! Top

via Reuters (Thanks, G!)

 
Elisabetta Canalis Got Dumped By Steve-O Top

Elisabetta Canalis went from George Clooney's awards season escort to rubbing on Eggs from True Blood, and somehow she tumbled all the way down onto Steve-O's peen that is probably mangled from lighting firecrackers in his dick mouth. Elisabetta is now back on the prowl looking for the next semi-relevant piece to get her into the back page of Life & Style, because Steve-O has officially quit her ass for being a non-stop partying wreck. Some source tells Radar that Steve-O is one hundred percent sober and Elisabetta is basically a coke vacuum (so I've heard).

"Steve-O dumped Elisbetta over her partying. He is extremely serious about his sobriety and did not want to be dating anyone who could jeopardize that.

He still really cares about her but can't risk relapsing back into his old ways, so he had to cut her loose. He has hooked her up with some women that he knows to help her try and get back on a stable footing again, and she has been attending meetings.
Steve-O said he thinks she's committed to getting control of her life again and that he will help her do that, he wants her to control the partying for her own sake. But, in the meantime he needs to distance himself from her."

If I was Elisabetta, I'd be so mad at coke right now. Like I'd be yelling at coke. I wouldn't even be able to look at it. Not because she's allegedly addicted to it and would sell her left nipple to an underground black market nipple ring for an 8-ball. Nothing like that. But because it's the reason why she's been publicly humiliated by getting dumped......BY STEVE-O! Getting dumped by Steve-O is like the bottom of a barrel not letting you sit on it because you're not good enough for it. If that doesn't clean her up, I don't know what will. Who is she going to date now? Jesse Camp's weekend weed man? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

 
Open Post: Hosted By The She By Sheree Commercial Top

Since this is all the way from 2009, some of you saw it then and nominated it for a Clio every year after, but the first time I laid eyes on this masterpiece was after somebody sent it to me last night. The best way to celebrate Sheree getting pink-slipped from The Real Housewives of Atlanta is to honor the greatest thing she's ever done: this commercial for Shit by Sheree. Sheree is still paying for this on her credit card, but it's worth the 20% a month interest and then some. If you aren't American, don't worry, you can still appreciate this work of art since it is international. If the sight of the bedazzled Hanes Her Way t-shirts made on Sheree's garage floor don't take your breath away, the ending will. We finally know what it would look like if My Friend Flicka was in The Young and the Restless.

 
Homebody Lindsay Lohan Got Into Another Fight At A Club Top

Over a week ago, some trick accused mess of all messes Lindsay Lohan of getting violent with her at The Standard hotel's Smoke & Mirrors club. LiLo shat out a river of denial and said the trick got the wrong crackie, because she was at home watching TV like the homebody she is. I believed LiLo at the time, because Amanda Bynes was at Smoke & Mirrors that night and since she's the frontrunner to become America's Next Top Trainwreck, I figured it was a case of mistaken skank identity. But now there's this. LiLo went to Smoke & Mirrors last night and got into a verbal fight which ended with a girl throwing a drink at her. Oh, and Michael Lohan was there too.

TMZ says that before the club fight, LiLo called Michael Lohan to help her out after the car she was in hit another car in the hotel parking lot. LiLo says she wasn't driving, but that piece of trash is known for switching seats after accidents, so who knows. Michael Lohan showed up and did what Michael Lohan does. He kicked vaginas, climbed trees and threatened to kill everybody. You know, typical Michael Lohan stuff. Once Michael handed that situation, he took LiLo inside Smoke & Mirror, because a so-called recovering alcoholic taking another so-called recovering alcoholic into a club is a good idea and Lohans are known for following up on all good ideas.

A source says that even though Michael and LiLo stayed until last call, they didn't touch the sweet nectar. Just as they were starting to leave, a chick in a booth made fun of LiLo for being there with her dad. LiLo screamed "Shut the fuck up" at the chick and the chick responded by launching a cocktail at her. Surprisingly, Michael Lohan didn't respond by kicking every vagina in the room. Michael grabbed LiLo and the two left.

LiLo is such a freckled disaster that even if she did stay home, she'd still get in a drunken fight with a plastic ficus tree for looking at her sideways and trying to steal her man: a floor lamp from Pier 1. But now that I think about, I bet LiLo staged the whole thing and let the cocktail thrower snort an extra line in the bathroom if she agreed to throw the drink. If LiLo didn't get a drink thrown at her, she wouldn't be able to say, "No, I don't smell like my mom's piss because all those jumbo iced chamomile teas I drank were really pure whiskey. I smell like that because an evil bitch threw an entire bottle of Jack at innocent me. Everybody's out to get me! Are you going to drink that?"

Smart move, actually.

Okay, okay, just for today LiLo's title gets slightly upgraded from "mega dumb bitch" to "semi dumb bitch."

And here's a few pictures of LiLo hanging out with her brother in her backyard over the weekend. The photo agency tells me they were taken at Coachella, but that's impossible since LiLo never EVER leaves her house.

 
Barnabas Collins Is Dead Top

The sad news is that when I Googled "Barnabas Collins" 90% of the pictures that came up had Johnny Depp's face on them. The sadder news is that Jonathan Frid, who was the original Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows from 1967-1971, passed away in Canada at the age of 87. USA Today says that Jonathan died from natural causes on Friday the 13th. After reading that he died on Friday the 13th, I expected a flash of lightning followed by a shadow on the wall in front of me of Jonathan rising from the dead. It didn't happen.

Jonathan joined Dark Shadows during the second season and Barnabas was only supposed to stay around for a handful of episodes, but he became a regular after audiences ate him up. After Dark Shadows ended, Jonathan did a few movies, television shows and plays before retiring in Canada.

Before you say, "Well, on a positive note, at least he won't be here to hiss at the mangled carcass of Dark Shadows butchered by Tim Burton", Jonathan shot a cameo for the movie last year. Let's hope that mess doesn't even make it to the dollar theaters in heaven.

 
That Dress Puts The Blunt In Emily Blunt Top

And just like that, you've found the perfect dress to wear to the 4/20 prom tomorrow! At last night's Tribeca Film Festival Premiere of the Five Year Engagement, Emily Blunt wore dress that Betty Draper would wear if Snoop Dogg was the head costume designer on Mad Men. Emily is giving us good shit eleganza, but she should've went all the damn way. This is missing some tiny bong earrings, blood shot eyes, a sequined Doritos bag as a purse, rolling paper bracelets, high heels with a grinder in the platform and hair styled so that it looks like she's been running her hands through her mane like crazy because it feels so soooooooooooft. Emily's stylist, Willie Nelson, needs to really blow the theme harder in our eyes next time.

It's a good thing that RiRi wasn't around, because she would've stuffed Emily in some rolling papers and smoked that bitch up!

Here's a few more tricks and tramps at last night's premiere: Jason Segel, Olivia Wilde, Shaun White, Amy Poehler shoulder hugging Aubrey Plaza, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kim Cattrall, Victor Garber, Robert DeNiro with his wife Grace Hightower and Leelee Sobieski looking like a creepy lady you meet in the empty aisle of a book store only to find out later that she's the original owner who died 65 years ago (dun dun dun)!

 
Someone's Going Hard For His Second Oscar Top

It's amazing what GOOP's silicone second chin from Shallow Hal and a fat suit borrowed from The Insider can do. Here's Sir Anthony Hopkins in full Alfred Hitchcock drag for that movie about the making of Psycho, which also stars Helen Mirren, Toni Collette, ScarJo, Jessica Bile (typo and it stays), The Karate Kid and James D'Arcy. Yup, I see it. This picture has suddenly made me jealous of all the dudes who were lucky enough to piss next to Hitchcock in a public bathroom. If you stand sideways next to this picture, you can kind of know what it felt like. I bet you could always count on Hitchcock to never look down.

via Coming Soon

 
This Is Not What Any Of Us Signed Up For Top

If the anticipation for the all-pecs Showgirls, Magic Mike, was a hot piece you met at a bar, then its trailer will feel you with the same cold emotion you feel when you pull down that hot piece's chonies and stare directly at a tequila worm-sized soft dick that is looking at you like, "Meh." The blood from your sex parts rushes up into your brain. That's not what's supposed to happen!

Magic Mike is supposed to be 90 minutes of man bananas flopping around in hammocks over and over again, but by the looks of the trailer that's not what it is at all. Close-up shots of sweat trickling down Matt Boner's nipple have been replaced by shots of the ugly ass junkyard furniture Channing Tatum's stupid character made. A slow motion montage of ass cheeks clenching on stage has been replaced by some annoying walking lady jaw who won't stop talking! Joe Man-Jello twerking his pecs to "Turbo Love" has been replaced by a RiRi Song. Why couldn't the marketing whores for this movie just give me the trailer that was in my head?!

I don't want some rom-com where a bottom of the barrel Blake Lively (who is a bottom of the barrel Kate Hudson who is a bottom of the barrel Goldie Hawn) keeps telling the strippers to put their clothes on, stop dancing, cover up, don't be a stripper, do something with their lives, blah, blah, blah ... Bitch is like that parent who keeps knocking on the bathroom door while you're trying to fap in piece.

Steven Soderbergh, thousands of pairs of blue balls hate you today.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 18th! Top

"I know this is the way to make a mermaid." - literary lioness

Runners-up:

We get it JLove, Vanilla masks the smell of fish and it drives men wild. We don't need proof. - jalynne

To show the world she isn't such an elitist, Fishy Paltrow makes out with her chauffer. What the world doesn't know is she's wearing a platinum plated mouth guard and a mermaid scale body stocking lined in dupioni silk. She disposed of them and the chauffer afterward. - Cerebratious

via WOW Report

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Masafumi Nagasaki, a 76-year-old hermit who is living the naked, sand-all-up-in-his-ass, crazy life on a deserted island in Japanese. This is some Survivor meets that Tom Hanks volleyball movie meets Grey Gardens minus the cat army shit.

Masafumi tells Reuters that he was looking for the perfect place to spend the sunset phase of his life and he eventually found a small island far, far away from Tokyo. Masafumi not only stripped his panties off, but he stripped his entire life down to the basics. Masafumi mainly eats rice cakes bought at an island an hour away and he bathes in rain water he collects in pots. The only time he covers his nipples and taint with clothes is when he takes his boat to Iriomote island to pick up the money his family sends him and to buy drinking water, rice cakes and cigarettes. The rest of the time, Masafumi stays on his one man nudist colony retirement island and he's never going to leave:

"Finding a place to die is an important thing to do, and I've decided here is the place for me. It hadn't really occurred to me before how important it is to choose the place of your death, like whether it's in a hospital or at home with family by your side. But to die here, surrounded by nature - you just can't beat it, can you?"

And you can't get closer to nature than picking crabs off of your butt hair (we've all been there) with one hand while trying to squeeze sand out of your peen hole with the other. What impresses me most about Masafumi is that even though his only neighbors are crustaceans and shit, he is still keeping it cute. That pink towel turban IS fashion. When you see fashion whores with a dish towel turban on their head, you know who worked it first and better.

 

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