Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The Real Housewives of NJ: Danielle's Beautiful Mug Shot Top
After last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey , they aired an ESCANDALO preview of next week's episode which revealed that Danielle's whory past could be found in a book called " Cop Without A Badge. " Well, here is the stunning mug shot from the book. It's nice to know that Danielle had a face that said " I Will Suck Yo Dick For A Puff" even back then. Some things never change. " Cop Without A Badge " is about Kevin Maher , a criminal turned informant for the New York Police Department and the FBI. Back then, Danielle apparently went by the name of Beverly Merrill. Beverly was a coke whore who was a stripper and overall slut. My idol. Before hooking up with her, Kevin was warned that Beverly was bad news. Beverly was arrested for extortion, kidnapping and possession. Beverly got caught up in the kidnapping of some rich kid who owed a drug dealer a bunch of cash. Eventually, Kevin left his wife and stepson for Beverly. The relationship sucked from the beginning, because he couldn't deal with Beverly passing that pussay around all over town. Kevin even got so jealous one time that he stuck a gun in one of her other boyfriend's crotch outside of a Bennigan's. When Kevin told Beverly he wanted a family, she told him she wasn't the mother type. They broke up. Kevin last saw her in 1992 shaking her chichis for pennies at a strip club named Shakers in Carlstadt, NJ. I wonder if Danielle/Beverly used her mug shot as her comp card when she worked for Ford Models ? From watching the preview for next week's episode, it looks like Danielle is all upset about this info getting out. But why? So she took off her clothes for money. Who hasn't?! So she did a little (or a ton) of coke in the 80s. Who didn't?! So she got arrested for kidnapping a rich kid and holding him for ransom. We've all been there! Danielle should be more ashamed that she's dating a 26-year-old who has the bald spot of a 55-year-old and the face of a dude who voted for Nixon. Source: NJ.Com
 
Justin Gaston Is A Natural Born Comedian Top
You know Justin Gaston ? He's the panty model who gets paid to let Miley Cyrus nibble on his hair and braid his bushy brows with her tongue. Yeah, that one. Well, he had some kind of video interview with Details Magazine and this shit is beyond! This is what I imagine Christopher Guest's dreams look like. I wasn't even making out with my bong while watching this and I walked away feel like my tongue was going to fall out. But you know Miley thinks he's like the smartest man since Orville Redenbacher . Which he totally is! I mean, here's a few quotes from the video that will make your brain twitch: On who will play him in a movie: " If Ashton Kutcher played me. Like, he would be a funnier me. He's a pretty funny guy. But I'm going to say Johnny Depp, just cause I like Johnny Depp and we're just going to get crazy, like. Like Johnny Depp's going to play an older me. Like when I'm older. Cause he's a really cool actor and then I'll seem really cool ." On who he would like to trade lives with: " I'd like to be one of those lap dogs that just get petted all day. Cause they just have the best life. They wake up, they get fed and they get attention all the time. I like attention. I don't like to be by myself, so I want to be one of those little dogs. Is that weird? " Um. Isn't he already like one of those little dogs? I bet Miley makes him crawl on all fours around the house with a pink ribbon in his hair. I would! I would also lay in his lap and stroke his brows while he tells me what's hurting his purdy little brain. He'd tell me all about the white shirt he's wearing that was woven by God himself and carried down by the angels. And it gets better! Justin has Psalm 7:8 tattooed right above his butt cheek. It says: " Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness. " Justin explained it, " I don't want to be judged—so I put it on my body in an attempt to become that bold ." Dude is either as dumb as a butt plug or he is a comic genius! Actually, I'm pretty sure he's both! I think I'm in love....
 
Jessica Simpson Is Going Back To Reality TV Top
Reality TV made Jessica Simpson a big star, so it's no surprise that she's shuffling back there in a bid to keep her name on your tongue (tastes like deep fried Crisco). UsWeekly says that Jessica and some friend will travel the world to see what different cultures see as beautiful. The show is called The Price of Beauty and her spokesbitch confirmed it, but wouldn't give up any details. Some source said that Jessica and her friend will even try "s hocking things that women do to make themselves beautiful. Picture Fear Factor ." Is there a place where they think getting your mouth sewn up makes you look more beautiful? If not, make it up and send Jessica there! Is there also a place where they believe throwing your father into a volcano turns you into an exquisite beauty? If not, make it up and send Jessica and Papa Joe there too! If this crap ever makes it to air it could be a fun show to watch while playing a drinking game. Every time Jessica's dumb ass unwittingly offends someone of a different culture, drink a shot! Your liver would be raising a white flag after 10 minutes.
 
They Better Cover The Seats With Plastic Top
File this under: news that made my nipples pass out. The New York Post (via Playbill ) says that Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig will star in a Broadway play together later this fall. That theater is going to constantly smell like spoiled goat milk, hot dog water and discarded tuna cans. Hugh and Daniel will both play cops (MY BUTT JUST BLEW UP) in A Steady Rain by playwright Keith Huff. The play is about " two Chicago cops whose friendship is tested by a domestic dispute they encounter in a poor neighborhood ." Okay, what is the title referring to exactly? Does it refer to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the rain pant-less? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the shower shirtless? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace while one of them is going pee pees? It doesn't really matter. Just tell me if they will be selling a clean change of panties at the concession stand or if I have to bring my own?
 
Prepare To Be Dazzled Top
If you electrocute yourself by playing connect the CGI dots on RPatt'z baby powder-covered body using your clit, I am not responsible. And I don't even want to think about the paper cuts crazy fangirls accidentally gave themselves in unfortunate places after printing out these pictures. Seriously, believe it. Just take a peek at some of the comments left on some of the other sites about the lord of the magical unicorn forest. This is my favorite one EVER from UsWeekly: Seriously - I am sitting here breathing into a paper bag - literally hyperventilating!!!!!!!!!!! and thanking God above that my husband did not come home for lunch so that he did not hear all my screaming when I saw this picture!!!! GEEZ - he's beautiful - amazingly beautiful - breath-taking amazingly beautiful - should I go on???? - and just sitting here thinking about the way he sings Van Morrison's song I'll Be Your Lover, Too - while looking like this - OMG OMG OMG My afternoon will be completely nonproductive now - just dreaming of Rob - You Greek Adonis You! You know, I kind of say the same thing whenever I look at a picture of a Double Double from In 'N Out. Although, I have never pictured my Double Double singing Van Morrison's " I'll Be Your Lover Too. " That would be too much for me to bear. Here's more of RPattz and company filming New Moon in Italy earlier today. You know Michelangelo himself floated down from heaven just to hand paint perfect abs on RPattz's body.
 
Afternoon Crumbs Top
The awesome Drew Barrymore continues to fight the fight for gays everywhere while looking like an all grown-up Rainbow Brite - Popsugar WTF Couple of the Day: Eliza Dushku & Vanessa Williams' ex - Just Jared Butterpizzaface - Egotastic! In possibly related news, Bridget Moynahan was seen buying out a pet store's entire supply of rodents - Hollywood Rag ScarJo or Megan Joy Corkey with a sore throat? - Lainey Gossip How does Megan Fox not melt plastic when she touches it? Read that in a cunty sarcastic voice (i.e. mine) - Hollywood Tuna Glamberace acknowledges the great big pink elephant in the room - Towleroad Tomi Rae Hynie finally got her money - NME Brit Brit's new fragrance. Unfortunately, it's not Eau de Frapp - Logo This is you 4 nights out of the week - Cityrag A bunch of people you do not want to see half-nekkid (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For May 27th Top
VIA Metro
 
Open Post: Hosted By Workout Dog Top
Watch this dog do more exercise in 30 seconds than I have done all year. Seriously, if I did that many squats I'd black out and wake up minutes later with defibrillator peddles on my chest. VIA Buzzfeed
 
RECOUNT! Top
Get on the phone to AT&T n ow and screeeeech at them for being *glitter* H8RS. Tell them that their efforts have failed, because the big unicorn will fly high above the corn fields one day soon. Seriously, AT&T has probably been flooded with calls from vicious Glamberts ever since The New York Times published their Idol conspiracy theory article last night. The Times says that AT&T dropped by several viewing parties thrown by Kris Allen fans in Arkansas to teach them how to send "power texts. " Power texting allows you to send 10 or more texts at once just by pressing one button. AT&T, who is the only carrier you can use to send votes by text, also gave Kris Allen fans phones to use. The company confirms that they did have reps at two parties after the final performance episode last week. They said: "In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested." So why would AT&T and Idol do this? Well, some say because they didn't want a sparkly precious unicorn prince to win (translation: not the gay). You know, Glamberace didn't need the shiny crown anyway. He will be have an illustrious career screeching rock versions of show tunes in Las Vegas. And Kris will become the most requested coffee shop chanteuse of all-time. They will both be fine.
 
Evangeline Lilly Thinks Angie Jo Is As Cold As Ice Top
Evangeline Lilly , the one ho who has no business being on Lost , was asked by Women's Health who in Hollyweird she admirers the most. Evangeline said Angie Jo, but then went on to say that Maddox's favorite shooting partner has a heart that is best served in a cup with whiskey over it. Evangelina (typo, but it fits perfectly) queefed, " No one knows that woman; she's a complete ice queen, which is perfect. Why should she be any more? She doesn't owe us anything ." And when asked if she'd want Angie's life, she answered, " Sure, I'd love to be her, but just the humanitarian side ." Actually, Angie owes me 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life back for the time I wasted watching Life or Something Like It . Evangeline shouldn't throw the term " ice queen " around like that. Where I come from, that title is a high honor and Angie has not earned it! She tries, but fails. I mean, Nicole Kidman has worked her entire life for that title! She is the premiere ice queen of Hollywood! Deservingly so! To quote the legendary Joan Rivers : " She's so cold! I'll just bet she has her period in cubes ." I bet Angie Jo doesn't do that. Well, I bet she doesn't get her period at all! Saints don't get periods! VIA People
 

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