Thursday, November 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Night Crumbs Top

Cruella de Stone shows the young hos how to really make a hose (or two, or three, or four) rise  - Lainey Gossip

Your day isn't complete without a new set of pictures from the never-ending "Hilary Duff Walks To Her Car" series - Popoholic

Phoebe Price needs to call up her lawyers, because Sophie Turner is totally stealing her "random posing in the middle of an airport" act - Hollywood Tuna 

Guy Ritchie and Jacqui Ainsley had another baby and they're lucky that this one's not a boy or Madonna would've dated him in 18 years - Celebitchy

Dr. Oz should stick to telling us how our poops should be shaped like bananas  - Towleroad

I am only for this if Wolverine gets a big song and dance number at the end - The Superficial 

S&M Nickelodeon-style - Drunken Stepfather

Kristen Stewart needs to take her hair to the pet groomers - Popsugar

Jude Law is okay with not being the twink anymore - The Berry 

Here's Owen Wilson's nipples, because why not? - Just Jared

It looks like Zachary Quinto keeps a box of Veet For Your Butt in his bathroom cabinet - OMG Blog

And yet, this was still less painful than being married to Kim Kardashian for 72 seconds - Hollywood Rag 

Yes, Amanda Bynes is still insane - Cityrag

The blood stains on Halle Berry's driveway is totally a selling point - I'm Not Obsessed

The only thing I see is a spinning corn vibrator - Videogum

Kelly Monaco has a sex tape and those six words might be the most boring thing I've written all day. That's saying a lot - Celebslam

Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez are still playing that "No, HE started it!" game - ICYDK

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 29th! Top

via Pleated Jeans

 
This Is What Kanye Wore Today Top

Kanye wants us all to believe that he just fabulously rolled out of bed, casually picked up a pair of leather pants from the pile of leather pants on his floor, casually picked up a fur coat from the pile of fur coats and then casually picked up a hoodie from his pile of hoodies. Yeah, no. It took 12 stylists, 6 private furriers, 3 cows imported from Italy, 2 pounds of Khloe Kardashian's freshly shed ass fur and his own personal sweat shop to put this ensemble together. It takes a lot of work to look this glamorously ragged.

If Kanye was going for the "Upper East Side socialite who fell on hard times after her husband went to prison for embezzlement and had to pay off her Bergdorfs bill by collecting soda cans from garbage bins" look, then he nailed it!

 
Open Post: Hosted By Michelle Obama's Healthier Lollipop Top

The children of military families were probably really excited about filling their mouths with delicious drops of pure sugar at the unveiling of the White House Christmas decorations yesterday, and then Michelle Obama killed their dreams when she came out with a tray of tea and honey lollipops. Tea and honey lollipops. That's like sucking on an old Celestial Seasonings teabag. This is worse than my mom serving us whole wheat cinnamon and no sugar toast for dessert. This is even worse than Natalie Portman not serving cake at her wedding.

As if a tea and honey lollipop isn't gross on its own, Michelle Obama had to make it grosser by decorating it with sugar icing (not that gross), candied carrot curls and fruits and other vegetables. Is that celery on there? That lollipop looks like something found in a compost pile. It looks a beef stew pop.

I know Michelle Obama wants us all to be healthy and eat from the earth and stuff, but this is going too far. Besides, this isn't even healthy. This is how I know:

I would have to eat least 12 preservative-filled corn syrup lollipops before I barfed.

I would have to eat only 1/10th of Michelle Obama's tea and carrot lollipop before I barfed.

See, the facts don't lie. I was always told to listen to my body and my body doesn't want a tea and carrot lollipop.

 
Lindsay Lohan Punched A Woman Over This Top

TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.

UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany's purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would've stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she's trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.

Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the "cunt" when she's high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn't let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.

And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn't One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo's drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn't exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn't LiLo or Tiffany.

This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin' over some dick that she's never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don't even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would've asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven't even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.

Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that's 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!

Here's Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.

 
Jared Leto Hasn't Eaten Food For A Month, Basically Top

Posh, Anne Hathway, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, eat your heart out. I only mean that figuratively, because hearts are fatty and full of calories and will make you fat and ew!

Jared Leto has to buy all of his underwear in the toddler section at Babies 'R Us, because he was already skinnier than Chris Brown's extra long pencil dick and now he's even skinnier. As everyone already knows, Jordan Catalano fought the hot and won when he dropped over 10 pounds and waxed his brows off to play a transgender woman with HIV in The Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew McConaughey also lost a whole lot of weight for that movie and said he did it by cutting all carbs from his daily diet. Jared, however, tells Vulture that he got Kate Moss skinny by fasting. Fasting is basically the GOOP way of saying, "I'm starving myself!" Jared said this about fasting for his art:

"Your body goes through weird stages. Sometimes it's hard to hold on to water. But for me, it's not about the most weight I can lose, it's more to represent the character. I'm focused on what it means to be a transsexual woman. Historically, people have done it for pursuit of self, to achieve a meditative state, so I'm hoping for that, and not the other things. It's not necessarily a bad thing."

I won't be surprised if one day I'm driving down the street and see Jared Leto's stomach bag trying to hitchhike its way out of town. It's going to leave his body any day now, because he keeps treating it like shit. Jared gained a bunch of chunk for that Chapter 27 movie and now he's starving himself. His stomach is confused. You know what else is probably confused? Jared's peen. Dr. Oz says that when a dude's body shrinks, his dick grows and when his body grows, his dick shrinks. Confusing your internal organs is one thing, but confusing your external organ is a crime. There's nothing sadder than a confused peen.

And since Jared's got more to tuck now (cut to Jared wrapping a Spanx condom around his bigger peen to make it skinnier), he should probably win the Oscar for Best Tuck Game.

(Pic via Terry's Diary)

 
Gavin Rossdale Is Not Screwing The Nanny, Because She's His Sister Top

When pictures came out of Gavin Rossdale gently touching the nanny's upper ass area during a hike, some thought that he was pulling a stage 1 Jude Law and were waiting to see the New York Post headline "NO DOUBT It's Over!" I see everything through melodramatic OMGSCANDAL eyes, and even to me the pictures looked innocent. Gavin's just guiding her ass (literally) up the hill while she's holding his kid. It's not like he's giving her the shocker. But even if he was giving her the shocker, it wouldn't be a big deal. The shocker is a known hiking technique. At least that's what I tell all my hiking partners....who are male....sort of hot....have big fingers...and not one of my relatives. Besides, like Gavin has room for another side piece in his side piece harem.

A source tells Radar that Gwen Stefani and Gavin both had laughs about the rumors that he's wet humping the nanny, because she's his sister Soraya and he's not dipping into some incest shit. The source said this:

"All the speculation is hilarious. And couldn't be further from the truth. Gavin and Gwen are happier and more in love than ever and their marriage is absolutely rock solid. They truly have one of the happiest marriages in showbiz, or outside of showbiz for that matter!"

See, so Gavin wasn't touching his nanny/side piece's ass. He was touching his nanny/sister's ass. Don't you touch your sister's ass when you go hiking? You can stop furiously shaking your head yes, James Haven. I already knew your answer before I asked the question.

Here's Gavin, Gwen and their Pom Pom at their kid's school yesterday.

 
Michael Lohan Told You This Was Going To Happen Top

Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.

Michael Lohan tells Radar that he's the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she'd continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn't get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I'm sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, "Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you're gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee." This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael's pie hole this morning:

"I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children."

Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I'm sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:

"This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don't make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don't have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation"

Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.

You know, it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain't an old-timey pistol and this ain't the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a "pew pew" sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean...

 
Just A Regular Night: Lindsay Lohan Got Arrested For Punching This Woman Top

White Oprah better make room on her wall of family achievements, because here comes another mug shot of beauty from her daughter!

Because it's been much too long since Lindsay Lohan has been in handcuffs and she missed posing for the mug shot camera, bitch got arrested in NYC early this morning for punching a woman in the face at a club. If it's morning time for you, then you can skip your morning cup of liquid caffeine by going to TMZ to get your buzz from watching the video of her perp walk. If it's afternoon or night times for you, you can still get higher from listening to her scream out to the cops, "Oh my God! Are you kidding me?" Oh, LiLo, that's what we all said on Sunday night are Liz & Dick. 

The latest chapter in LiLo's never-ending Party Heat episode of a life started when she and the woman above got into some kind of argument at Avenue in NYC. The woman was sitting in the booth next to Lindsay's and nobody knows what they were fighting about, but at one point Blohan said, "Give me some space!" TMZ's source says that the two stopped fighting, but a little while later LiLo punched the woman in the face for whatever reason. Somewhere up in heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is screaming at God, "Youdammit! I told you to use your powers to make that lady punch LiLo in the face for fucking me over. Not the other way around!"

The cops were called, but by the time they showed up, LiLo was already making her getaway in a car. The cops eventually found the car LiLo was in and arrested her ass. She was booked for third degree misdemeanor assault and released a few hours later.

In LiLo's defense (and bitch is totally going to use this in court as her defense), she was at Justin Bieber's concert earlier in the night and listening to that baby yodel will make anyone want to randomly punch a trick.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 28th! Top

After one too many bleachings, Kim Kartrashian's anus had enough and walked out. - Johnny Boy

Runners-up:

It only took one look at Karl Lagerfeld's design for Pippa Middleton's wedding dress to ascertain his opinion of her had not changed. - dbella

The Sluggie: for when you're too high to worry about arm holes. - fosho

Memoirs of a Gusher - TexnDoc

Lil Wayne's sperm is so fertile by the time he takes his condom off he has a baby growing out the end. - Whamo

Sometimes, even Jon's Hammaconda needs some "Me" time. - Hello Kitty Ho Stroll

via Neatorama

 

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