Friday, November 30, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Lindsay Lohan Is Drinking All The Vodka Top

Lindsay Lohan's assistant Gavin Doyle dramatically quit yesterday morning after she kicked him out of her SUV and he immediately jumped on Twitter to tell her to get help. Everyone assumed by "help" he meant "REHAB!" But one of LiLo's lawyers Mark Heller says that alcohol never touched her lips the morning she punched one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends. Well, TMZ is basically calling Mark Heller a liar, because they say LiLo was drunk on booze when she fisted that psychic in the face, because she's always drunk on booze.

Several sources tell TMZ that for the past few months, LiLo wakes up in the morning, pours vodka in her coffee cup, brushes her teeth with vodka, gargles with vodka, cleans her pits out with vodka, fills her neti pot with vodka and buttchugs vodka. LiLo starts drinking vodka in the morning and keeps drinking vodka throughout the day. LiLo guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day. Either I prolapsed again or my liver just slipped out of my ass after I typed "guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day."

LiLo's friends (and even Michael Lohan) have all thrown up their arms and given up on trying to help her, because she won't listen to them and becomes a real mean bitch when she's drunk. LiLo's daily drinking grew to SANTO DIOS proportions when her money and legal troubles got worse.

If LiLo keeps sucking down 2 liters of vodka a day, it won't be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there's a vodka shortage. Should I make A Vodka Message To Lindsay Lohan video or do you want to do it?

 
The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of WTF Top

Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell's furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood's the one who got the starring role in NBC's live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC's president said this in a statement to Playbill:

"Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn't be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist."

First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What's next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I'm still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.

Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I'm serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.

Here's Carrie Underwears singing "The Sound of Music" a few years ago:

 
My Thoughts Exactly, Girl In Red, My Thoughts Exactly Top

Poor girl left her house for a milkshake, she didn't leave her house for a Kartrashian. That's a face that clearly says, "I lost my appetite." I feel your pain, girl.

Kim Kardashian is used to swallowing a thick, creamy load for a dollar, so she was the obvious choice to open the newest Millions of Milkshakes in Kuwait. The future United Nations Goodwill Ambassador isn't only in the Middle East to pimp out milkshakes, she's also there to learn more about the Israel-Palestine conflict. To which I say:

And "Not Here For This" girl's reaction is also my reaction to the Gosselin milkshake, the Lindsay Lohan milkshake and Kim's dress. Kim looks straight out of a 90s remake of Tron. If Kanye is trying to stop the rumors that he likes to lick peen by dressing Kim like shit, it's working. He can stop now.

 
RiRi And Fist Brown Are Really Doing This Top

It's really nobody's bidneh, which is why RiRi Instagram'd this picture from the STUNT QUEEN Hall of Shame to millions of her Twitter followers last night. Surprisingly, RiRi's diaper-covered ass isn't the biggest ass in this picture. The piece of trash she's hugging gets that title. Grand Master Troll RiRi has let it be known that she's taking a spin on Chris Brown's round bolster pillow dick again and last night she went all the way by posting this picture with the caption: " i dont wanna leave!!! Killed it tonight baby!!!." Oh, doesn't it seem like yesterday when he almost killed you, baby, and now you're getting one of your assistants to take this mess of a picture using the attention whore filter.

Even The Difficult Brown looks like he's over it. He looks like a bratty ass child with early-onset alopecia who's embarrassed by his mom hugging him in front of his classmates. Whatever, my only advice to RiRi is to take out her contacts before Fist Brown shits on her retina. One rain drop and just a little wind will completely mess up my contact, so I can only imagine what a Fist Brown dookie will do to it.

via Vulture

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 29th! Top

Jennifer Love Desperate has taken the phrase "husband hunting" a bit too literally. - JTROS

Runners-up:

This is what shotgun weddings in Saskatchewan look like. - Trixster

It became apparent during the wedding who wears the pants in the Jolie/Pitt household. - OneEyedSue

via Pleated Jeans

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Target's limited-edition red velvet chocolate milk!


During holiday times, Target puts out their holiday milk flavors including red velvet chocolate milk. Now you don't have pour an entire bowl of red velvet cake batter into your eating hole. Making cake batter is really, really hard and now you don't have to. Who cares if it looks like a blood milkshake or like Twihard panty pudding or like Mrs. Claus' menst - I need to stop. It's a blended red velvet cake in a cup and I'm in love. I couldn't find it at Target the other day, but I'm guessing that's because Jessica Simpson is knocked up again and she bought every carton since she bathes in it every night. It's okay, I'll just continue to suck down red velvet cake batter with a straw until I find one.

(Pic via Tumblr)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Gael Garcia Bernal (34)
Chanel Iman (23)
Kaley Cuoco (27)
Omahyra Mota (28)
Elisha Cuthbert (30)
Clémence Poésy (30)
Clay Aiken (34)
Steve Aoki (35)
Mindy McCready (37)
Amy Ryan (43)
Des'ree (44)
Ben Stiller (47)
Bo Jackson (50)
Cherie Currie (53)
Lorraine Kelly (53)
Stacey Q (54)
Billy Idol (57)
Gordon Liu (57)
Shuggie Otis (59)
Mandy Patinkin (60)
June Chadwick (61)
David Mamet (65)
Terrence Malick (69)
Ridley Scott (75)
Robert Guillaume (85)

 
Gabriel, Halle And Olivier Are All Playing Nice Now Top

Gabriel Aubry doesn't have to wear a steel face mask and an iron helmet when he goes to pick up his daughter Nahla at Halle Berry's house, because Olivier Martinez won't be there to pound the pretty out of his face. Gabriel's lawyer Shawn Holley (yeah, that Shawn Holley) and Halle's lawyer Blair Berk met in court today and came up with "amicable settlement," so that the judge doesn't have to declare all of them legally insane and give full custody to Jessica Lange or a pack of lions.

Halle isn't going to try to extend the restraining order she has out against Gabriel and he gets to visit Nahla again like normal. Shawn Holley and Blair Berk didn't give any details about the settlement, but a source (aka Gabriel using a voice changer) tells Radar that Halle agreed to keep Olivier away from the house whenever Gabriel comes to pick their daughter up. Gabriel is totally scared of Olivier and he's afraid that if they run into each other again, Olivier is going to beat Gabriel's pretty model face so hard that it's going to permanently look like Olivier's present day face. The source went on to say, "This was very important to Gabe going forward because he feared for his safety. Gabe was supposed to have Nahla on Thanksgiving, according to their custody agreement, but Halle asked if she could have the little girl that day and Gabe said yes. He had no obligation to do so, but he had been acting in good faith and knew it meant a lot to Halle, so he did it. Gabe was absolutely blindsided by Olivier and his rage."

So they're all going to join hands and skip through the lavender fields under a double rainbow....until Halle and Olivier eventually break up and she gets herself a piece who's even crazier than him (I'm thinking Sean Penn). Then Halle and Gabriel will do this all over again. Gabriel should keep that steel mask and take self-defense classes from Bas Rutten just in case.

 
Lindsay Lohan's Victim Just Wanted To Give Her A Psychic Reading, That's All! Top

Just like every part of Lindsay Lohan's life, her latest smack down saga just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Tiffany Mitchell, the chick who had to get a tetanus shot after Lindsay Lohan knuckled her in the face, tells TMZ that they didn't fight over Max from The Wanted, they fought over a psychic reading and a slur. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story was going to give me an opportunity to make a God Warrior reference. SLYCICS!

Tiffany is supposedly a "prominent" palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story would feature a cameo appearance by Florida. Tiffany says that when she saw Lindsay Lohan at Avenue early this morning, she instantly had a premonition. Tiffany's premonition must've been that she was going to get a whole lot of media attention and free publicity after getting punched by a Lohan. Tiffany asked LiLo if she could give her a free physic reading and LiLo shouted at her, "Give me my space." As Tiffany and her friend walked away, her friend heard LiLo call her a "fucking Gypsy." The friend came at LiLo, called her a "whore" and said "Liz & Dick sucked." LiLo went crazy and punched Tiffany in the face. Don't you hate when your friend starts some shit and you're the one who gets punched in the face?

Tiffany's husband, who wasn't at the club, says that "Gypsy" is a racial slur and that LiLo is only mad, because her career is the equivalent of a soggy hairball stuck in a drain pipe:

"We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion ... it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."

Tiffany's husband also tells ABC News that they can't even leave the house, because his wife's cheek is really swollen.

So, some crazy psychic offered a free reading to a drunk LiLo (FYI: Her lawyer says she was sober. HAHAHAHAH.), LiLo turned it down, LiLo called her a "Gypsy," the friend called LiLo a "whore," LiLo threw a punch at the psychic and the psychic didn't duck even though she's a psychic and should've known a punch was coming?

LiLo is a crazy bitch, but the psychic is crazier for going up to a coked-up human train wreck in a club. That is not very professional. Miss Cleo would never.

And if you needed a quick laugh, here's White Oprah's official statement:

"At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter's circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family's bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude."

And here's a priceless video of LiLo kicking her assistant out of the SUV after he bailed her out of jail:

And after reading about LiLo all day, I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I need to stick my face in the ice cube bin in my freezer.

 
Night Crumbs Top

Cruella de Stone shows the young hos how to really make a hose (or two, or three, or four) rise  - Lainey Gossip

Your day isn't complete without a new set of pictures from the never-ending "Hilary Duff Walks To Her Car" series - Popoholic

Phoebe Price needs to call up her lawyers, because Sophie Turner is totally stealing her "random posing in the middle of an airport" act - Hollywood Tuna 

Guy Ritchie and Jacqui Ainsley had another baby and they're lucky that this one's not a boy or Madonna would've dated him in 18 years - Celebitchy

Dr. Oz should stick to telling us how our poops should be shaped like bananas  - Towleroad

I am only for this if Wolverine gets a big song and dance number at the end - The Superficial 

S&M Nickelodeon-style - Drunken Stepfather

Kristen Stewart needs to take her hair to the pet groomers - Popsugar

Jude Law is okay with not being the twink anymore - The Berry 

Here's Owen Wilson's nipples, because why not? - Just Jared

It looks like Zachary Quinto keeps a box of Veet For Your Butt in his bathroom cabinet - OMG Blog

And yet, this was still less painful than being married to Kim Kardashian for 72 seconds - Hollywood Rag 

Yes, Amanda Bynes is still insane - Cityrag

The blood stains on Halle Berry's driveway is totally a selling point - I'm Not Obsessed

The only thing I see is a spinning corn vibrator - Videogum

Kelly Monaco has a sex tape and those six words might be the most boring thing I've written all day. That's saying a lot - Celebslam

Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez are still playing that "No, HE started it!" game - ICYDK

 

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