Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone! Top

The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract.

Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control.

So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos.

This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe)

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th! Top

Dr. Blossom's sons enjoy their first milk break at the Crossroads School. - upstatestruggler

Runners-up:

Arizona Mexicans demonstrated Governor Brewer's whitewashing technique. - frenchflies

The Oscar the Grouch sex tape further ruins childhoods everywhere. - CashewTime

"Got self-respect? No!" say the The Nelson Twins, reduced to doing milk industry ads. - BernardProfitendieu

via The Sun (Yes, this week's CT theme is leche, obviously)

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Adela Hernandez, Cuba's first ever transgender public official.

Cuba used to send gays to the countryside to slave away in the fields, but things are changing so much for the LGBT community that the country has seen its first ever transgender member of government. Adela Hernandez was born Jose Agustin Hernandez 48 years ago and has lived as a lady ever since she was a little girl. Adela served 2 years in prison in the 1980s for "dangerousness" (Note: If I ever serve time in prison, I want it to be for dangerousness.), but now she's a voice of the people!

In the November election, Adela was voted delegate to the municipal government of Caibarien. Adela told HuffPo that her family has disowned her for being transgendered and she's been attacked by dumb bitches in the street. Adela works as a nurse and when she's not healing the sick like a Cuban Florence Nightingale, she's keeping an eye out for crime as a member of her neighborhood watch program. Adela says that everyone in her neighborhood has embraced and accepted her and don't see her as anything but the nurse with an eyebrow situation that beats all. Being really active in her neighborhood helped Adela win the election.

Even though Cuban's healthcare system covers gender reassignment surgeries, she hasn't turned her peen into a poon yet. Adela is going to scream for her community as their delegate, but she says she's also going to be a voice for gay rights, "I represent a community but I will always keep in mind the defense of gays." 

Today Adela is delegate, tomorrow she'll be a member a parliament and the day after that she'll be President. Raul Castro who? Thanks to those exquisitely crafted eyebrows that look like ebony rainbows, Adela is going all the way. Well, Adela will go all the way if she burns those white CROCs in a trash can fire pit.

And Adela's look is what Miley Cyrus was aiming for when she chopped off and bleached her hair. Reach for that bottle of dye, Miley, because you'll never have it like this.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Sharon Needles (31)
Scarlett Pomers (24)
Karen Gillan (25)
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (28)
Trey Songz (28)
Chamillionaire (33)
Ryan Kwanten (36)
apl.de.ap (38)
Dawn Robinson (44)
Jon Stewart (50)
Jane Sibbett (50)
Alfonso Cuaron (51)
John Galliano (52)
Judd Nelson (53)
S. Epatha Merkerson (60)
Ed Harris (62)
Paul Schaffer (63)
Randy Newman (69)
Manolo Blahnik (70)
Berry Gordy Jr. (83)

 
Angus T. Jones Still Wants A Job On The Show That's The Work Of Satan Top

God hates Two and a Half Men, but God loves money and respecting contracts more. Angus T. Jones has let out a half-assed apology for saying in a video for his Christian church that he hates the show that makes him $8 million a season,  because it's so filthy and unholy that it plays in porn theaters in Hell's ninth circle. Two and a Half Men's producers haven't said anything about Anus (typo and it stays) telling people not to watch his shit show and he hasn't been back on the set since. To make things a little less awkward at work, Angus has sort of said sorry to those who have made him a multi-millionaire. The future Kirk Cameron said this:

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear.

Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them.

I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

What Angus really means is: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away most of my good Christian soul and I'll have to give a lot of hand jobs to bananas to get pure again, but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire and how can I go against God's wishes?"

I can't argue with Angus. I don't watch Two and a Half Men and now I'm really not going to watch it, because God is speaking through a child actor and telling me not to watch it. You know, I think God is also speaking to me through my TV screen, because I just looked up and watched a commercial for El Pollo Loco's new chocolate nachos. Obviously, God wants me to go to El Pollo Loco and eat those chocolate nachos, so I'm going to do that....for God.

via Deadline

 
The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen This Lady's Tits Top

This clip from a local news station in Portland starring one of Oregon's crown jewels and my idol of the night will make your brain burp up a million question marks. The local news interviewed her about blown out windows, or something, and then that leads to her talking about how the vacuum cleaner man saw her tits and how she hasn't been allowed to drive for the past 3 years. So many questions!

Who is that vacuum cleaner man? Is that code for something, because I didn't think vacuum cleaner men existed anymore? Does the vacuum cleaner man now have marbles in his sockets, because he was so overcome with excitement from seeing ole' girl's tits that he took a Kirby hose to his eyeballs? Why isn't she allowed to drive? Does it have anything to do with her showing the vacuum cleaner man her tits? Is her sweater made of Fraggle pubes? Questions: a lot of them!

But I don't need the answer to any of those questions. It doesn't matter. I still love her no matter what. I just want to move to Portland and drive her around so she can show me all the people she's flashed her tits at.

via Mashable

 
Night Crumbs Top

Does Tootsie know that Kate Middleton stole one of her dresses? - Just Jared

Justin Bieber is a junior douche, but I can't with any girl who willingly sits on his saggy diaper leggings  - Lainey Gossip

I'm still waiting for McKayla Maroney to lose her mind and go on a killing spree after the ten billionth person asks her to do the Not Impressed face - Hollywood Tuna 

What the Batman balloon sees when he tops the Spider-Man balloon - The Berry 

Jessica Chastain needs to educate herself on a little known British ginger called Prince Hot Ginge - Celebitchy

Mia Goth doesn't have eyebrows, because they quit her face as soon as Shia LaDouche got on top of her - The Superficial 

Dolly Parton will always love peen - Towleroad

Hayden Panatroll and her piece are into some messed up, role-playing kink - Drunken Stepfather

Kristen Johnston, John Lithgow and French Stewart would make a better Batman than Joseph Gordon-Levitt - IDLYITW

Emily Blunt went blond - Popoholic

Glamberace's new tattoo looks like it belongs on the cover of Michael Jackson's Dangerous album - ICYDK

But what does Kathie Lee Gifford have to say about this?! - Queerty

Thor. A Baby. A Peacoat. - Popsugar

Breaking: Frank Ocean got a boner - OMG Blog

Scenes from the new Hunger Games or scenes from American Gladiators circa 1988? - Cityrag

Lara Stone's got pregnant face - Hollywood Rag 

Demi Moore needs to be treated for her addiction to douche - I'm Not Obsessed

Lenny Kravitz looks like he just crawled down the beanstalk after stealing the Giant's scarf - The Frisky

Presenting the head chef at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar - Videogum

 
The Look: Spaz de la Huerta As An Elegant Christmas Elf Top

I see you in the background, throwing ice cold looks of potent jealousy, Sarah Palin!

Fresh off from giving the performance of her life in the middle of a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL, Paz de la Huerta, the goddess that is more pure than an angel's asshole, sashayed through LAX yesterday while wearing a regular ole' traveling ensemble. I know that when you travel, you too dress like a magician's assistant in a Christmas-themed magic show who had to grab her leather jacket in the dressing room and go on the run after she spotted mobsters she stole money from in the audience. You should always look like you're on the run from mobsters.

I'm thankful that Spaz keeps sharing her glamour with the public as much as possible, because everyone should know that all you need to look like a modern-day Aphrodite is a giant, greasy tub of Don't Give A Fuck. Spanx are out, bloat is in! Bronzer is out, lube face is in!

 
Open Post: Hosted By Jared Leto's No Brows Top

What in the Alien Nation Vampire Hell is the meaning of this?!

I get that Jared Leto lost a bunch of weight and waxed away his hairy eye valances to play a drag queen in The Dallas Buyers Club, but somebody give a bitch a Sharpie. Give a bitch a 4-pack of Sharpies, because Jared Leto is going to need a few of 'em. Everybody at the 22nd Annual Gotham Independent Awards in NYC last night simultaneously said, "Where are your brows, tho?", when Jared sashayed in with zero brows and orange crap smeared all over his mouth area. Dude looks like he just ate Snookie out.

I feel like Jared just keeps fighting the hot hard and keeps daring all of us to say, "Nope, wouldn't hit it." But I'm not going to say it this time, because I'd still hit it. I'd even suck off one of those pointy elbows over his eyes.

 
Someone Might've Taken The Name Of LeAnn Rimes' Future Baby Top

This could be fake, or it could be viral marketing for fuckery, or it could be made of one hundred percent truthiness since there's not a law requiring hos to have working brain cells in order to procreate. Gizmodo, Mashable and @AwkwardMsgs all posted a Facebook status from a couple who named their newborn baby girl Hashtag Jameson. HASHTAG JAMESON. We've officially lost our right to name children. Just give all future babies serial numbers from now on, because this child abuse must be put to an end.

If you're thinking this mess can't be real and nobody with a heart would ever hate a newborn that much, let me remind your ass that a dude in Egypt named his kid Facebook. The laws of real-life foolery know no bounds.

But for real, the stoner and drunk in me (which is pretty much all of me) actually likes that disaster of a name. They can call her Hash for short. And when she writes her name the way it's supposed to be written, it looks like she's promoting whiskey. #Jameson!

 

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