The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- A Third Accuser Is Coming For Elmo
- Brad Pitt Talks Gay Marriage (Again) And Weed (Again)
- NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 26th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Anna Nicole Smith's Daughter Is A Guess Girl Now
- 3.5 Million People Couldn't Say No To A Train Wreck
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By An Interspecies Friendship
| A Third Accuser Is Coming For Elmo | Top |
Elmo will have to start turning tricks on Sesame Street's ho stroll to pay his legal bills, because he's got another lawsuit to deal with. When it rains gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape, it pours gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape. I guess. The NYDN says that a now 29-year-old unnamed dude who's going by the name John Doe has a filed lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court this morning against the new Michael Jackson, Elmo. John Doe's lawyer John Herman said that just like Cecil Singleton, his client met Kevin Clash on a gay phone chat line in 2000 when he was 16. They talked for a couple of days before Kevin Clash invited John Doe over to his apartment to get it on. Kevin apparently told John Doe he was 30, but John Doe figured out there were way more than 30 rings around Kevin's trunk when they met in person. They continued to bump bare nipples for a few years and John Doe realized who Kevin Clash was in 2003 when he saw "Elmo dolls, an Emmy award and photographs of Elmo with movie stars" in his apartment. John Doe started writing a book about doing illegal sex with Elmo in 2009 and his lawyer will present some of the pages to the media in a press conference today. Oh, and John Doe's lawyer is the same dude who is representing Cecil Singleton. Of course, TMZ got a hold of the lawsuit and in the documents, John Doe says that Kevin Clash used booze to get into his chonies. Kevin boozed John Doe up and kept him that way. Kevin and John Doe didn't do butt sex until John Doe was 18. But when John Doe was 16, they got into some oral sex stuff and Kevin did "digital penetration of John's anus." Yes, I had to look up "digital penetration." I kept picturing Elmo sticking a robot dildo in a dude's no-no and I don't like that picture. "Digital" is just a fancy way of saying "fingers." So yeah, Elmo finger fucked John Doe and John Doe has been butt burping up red fur ever since. And if Kevin Clash's dumb ass wins both of the lawsuits against him, I really hope Big Bird releases a white dove outside of the courthouse. | |
| Brad Pitt Talks Gay Marriage (Again) And Weed (Again) | Top |
Brad Pitt is promoting his new movie Killing Them Softly (Side note: I think I just read your mind and I think you just wished Killing Them Softly was a Fugees biopic. I do too.) and that means it's about that time for every damn reporter to ask him about weed and marrying St. Angie Jo. In every reporter's defense, it's kind of hard to NOT ask Brad Pitt about the good shit when he's sitting there looking like he just peeled himself off of a pleather couch after being knocked out in a marijuana-induced Funyuns coma for 20 hours. Dude looks like he has just enough energy to hold and operate a BIC lighter while taking a bong hit. You don't know how many times I wished that I had BIC lighters for fingers. People says that at last night's NYC premiere of Killing Them Softly, one reporter asked Brad if he's going to become Angie Jo's third husband anytime soon and he said this:
Um, bitch, that good feeling you've got is called "You HIGH!" That good feeling was a Taco Bell-produced fart bubble slowly slipping out of his ass. But you know, the "good feeling" you get about getting married soon probably feels a lot like the "good feeling" you get when a fart bubble is about to fall out of your ass to join the air. And Brad really did say, "The time is nigh." Now we know that both Bill & Ted were based on Brad Pitt. MTV News (via Towleroad) asked Brad about gay marriage and legalizing the good shit and he said that he doesn't understand why the two are always linked in the media (???):
And now we know that Brad Pitt is all for me marrying Anderson Cooper in every state while wearing a smokable tuxedo made of legal weed buds. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, again, reporters should finally ask him if he knows how Benicio Del Toro and Jeff Bridges feel about him looking like their broken condom love child. | |
| NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE! | Top |
Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez both have restraining orders against Gabriel Aubry, and yesterday he got his own restraining order against the French boxer who whooped the hot right out of his face. Gabriel gave these pictures of his post-Thanksgiving beat down face to the court and I'll never understand why the authorities didn't immediately run out and arrest Olivier for crimes against beauty. Gabriel looks like James Cromwell did experiments on him in the American Horror Story lab. Gabriel's got the crazy running through each and every one of his veins, but he went from looking like a thing of natural beauty to looking like Chloe Sevigny's AHS character with a beard on. TMZ says that Olivier told the police on Thanksgiving morning that Gabriel came at him, but Gabriel says it was the other way around. In his declaration to the courts, Gabriel says that on the night before Thanksgiving, they were all at Nahla's school to see her play and Olivier came up to him and whispered in his ear in French, "I wish I could beat the shit out of you right now. You're lucky we're in a school right now. We're going to take Nahla right now and you're not going to follow us." Then Olivier ate 5 dozen eggs, bench pressed 3 blondes and won a spitting match. Bitch thinks he's Gaston or some shit. Gabriel says that the next day, he took Nahla to Halle's house and usually the nanny greets them at the door, but this time it was Olivier. Olivier told Gabriel they needed to talk, but he wasn't having it so he turned around to walk back to his car. Gabriel says that's when Olivier jumped off the stairs, knocked him to the ground and started slamming his head into the concrete. Olivier kept screaming about how Gabriel cost him $3 million. I guess $3 million is what Olivier paid the lawyers to try to get Nahla to France. When Olivier finished beating the French and the Canadian out of Gabriel, he told Gabriel to move to France or he'd kill him. Olivier also told Gabriel that the police were coming and he better tell them he started the fight or else. The "else" is code for "You be dead." Gabriel never told the police about the threats and Halle's "sources" still say he's the one who started the brawl. Gabriel will also go to court today to try to get the judge to lift the restraining order that's keeping him from going anywhere near his daughter. The moral of this story is: If you find yourself falling in love with Halle Berry and she's falling in love with your ass, save yourself the drama, visits to family court and punches to the face by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital. Because if you want to be with Halle Berry, then you are beyond insane. This is what happens to your face on Halle Berry! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 26th! | Top |
They were ready for the mobs, they were ready for the riots but what they were completely unprepared for was for they panty pudding overload at the premiere of the final Twilight. - Ashton Cruz Runners-up: No one minds if Jon Hamm goes commando, as long as he doesn't suddenly spy a hottie. - RandéSleepover Sadly, the Republican live demonstration of how a woman "shuts the whole thing down" during a legitimate rape did not go as they had hoped. - martini girl (Thanks, Megan!) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Glamorous Bigfoot from the commercial for the party game Apples to Apples. Feast your eyeballs on the sexy vision Lamar Odom finds sprawled out on his bed when he comes home at night. This commercial showed up during Liz & Dick two nights ago and I almost didn't know it was a commercial. I thought it was part of the movie. I was about to say that Lindsay Lohan finally looked like a passable Elizabeth Taylor. You now know how Lamar Odom feels right before he surrenders his body to Khloe Kardashian. You don't know whether to ask for a rabies vaccination certificate or pull out a Furminator so you can brush away those dingles stuck to its asshole hairs. You can practically smells its teeth from here. This IS sex: | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Bill Nye (57) | |
| Anna Nicole Smith's Daughter Is A Guess Girl Now | Top |
Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can't believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I'm writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn't Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label....but I still bought acid wash jeans there. The NYDN says that Dannielynn's ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he's not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris' School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn's only modeling gig for now:
I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won't see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids. I'm not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly's children's clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn. And these ads would've been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them. | |
| 3.5 Million People Couldn't Say No To A Train Wreck | Top |
Because of the way Twitter was blowing up last night over the Super Bowl of Suck that was Liz & Dick, I really thought it would be the highest rated basic cable event in the history of basic cable, but it wasn't. 3.5 million pairs of eyeballs all rolled in unison while watching Lindsay Lohan play dress up in front of a green screen. According to Deadline, 3.5 million isn't a number White Oprah should brag about to her back alley pharmacists when she tries to buy illegal Adderall tonight. Liz & Dick wasn't a total flop, but it wasn't a hit either. 6.5 million people watched Lifetime's Steel Magnolias remake and 5 million people watched Drew Peterson: Untouchable starring Rob Lowe. Lifetime is still bragging by saying Liz & Dick is the fourth biggest first-run cable movie of the year, because that is obviously something to brag about. In related news, the Department of Health reported a record 3.5 million people were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last night. It was also reported that there was a record low of births last night, because who in all that is good wants their baby born on the same day as the Liz & Dick premiere? But whatever, I'm sure Lifetime will greenlight a sequel called Liz & Larry and I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will play both Liz AND Larry. Eat it, haters. (GIF via E!) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale looked like rich hipster pilgrims on Thanksgiving - Lainey Gossip When are we going to find out that Alice Eve is Reese Withespoon's British twin? - The Superficial This is not what I had in mind when I Googled "dudes milking themselves in public" - Towleroad Two style icons visit the style emporium of the world - Hollywood Tuna Pimp Mama Kris is still trying really hard to make Kendall Jenner happen - Drunken Stepfather I don't even want to know where Jacksone Rathbone's mayonnaise tattoo is - The Berry Anne Hathaway must hate her gay brother - Celebitchy Every time I see Bradley Cooper's mom, I'm reminded of the horrifying Internet rumor that she was scissoring with Renee Zellweger. I hate the Internet sometimes. - Just Jared Insane Lady GaGa encourages the insanity of her insane Little Monsters - ICYDK Why do I have a feeling that this is what RiRi wears when she lies down on her shrink's leather couch? - Popoholic Oh look, it's the back of Blue Ivy Carter's head - Popsugar Ryan Reynolds looks like he's doing the "sticking hand in pocket to stealthily scratch the peen" trick - SOW The voice of God is for gay marriage (insert "and is also for marriage to your step-granddaughter" joke here) - OMG Blog You know you really love someone when you hose down their caca-covered ass in a car wash - Hollywood Rag In other words: Jessica Simpson has had that poops for the past few months - Cityrag Tater Head shouldn't quit her day job, whatever that is - I'm Not Obsessed And Nahla Aubry thought she had a crappy Thanksgiving - Crunk + Disorderly | |
| Open Post: Hosted By An Interspecies Friendship | Top |
| While doing fisherman stuff in Lake Van, Turkey, a fisherman discovered some Disney movie shit when he watched a fox and a cat play together. Who knew that a fox slowly torturing and trying to eat a cat could look so adorable? | |
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