The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- I Don't Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He's Got A Five Incher
- This Is Somebody's Mother
- Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Angus T. Jones Still Wants A Job On The Show That's The Work Of Satan
- The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen This Lady's Tits
- Night Crumbs
- The Look: Spaz de la Huerta As An Elegant Christmas Elf
| I Don't Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He's Got A Five Incher | Top |
If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I'd guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don't like to talk about it.) But I would've been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he's known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love. Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That's not an overfull diaper in Olly's skinny pants. That's his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:
I love how Olly says "I think." Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta's measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. "I grew 0.00003 centimeters!" is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly's peen have screamed out recently. And I bet that when you put all of Olly's 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name "Olly Murs." That's a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you're about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he's only got 5 inches. | |
| This Is Somebody's Mother | Top |
In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid). In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole: - "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again." - "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl." - "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it." That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong. In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol. via Too Fab | |
| Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone! | Top |
The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract. Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control. So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos. This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th! | Top |
Dr. Blossom's sons enjoy their first milk break at the Crossroads School. - upstatestruggler Runners-up: The Oscar the Grouch sex tape further ruins childhoods everywhere. - CashewTime "Got self-respect? No!" say the The Nelson Twins, reduced to doing milk industry ads. - BernardProfitendieu via The Sun (Yes, this week's CT theme is leche, obviously) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Adela Hernandez, Cuba's first ever transgender public official. Cuba used to send gays to the countryside to slave away in the fields, but things are changing so much for the LGBT community that the country has seen its first ever transgender member of government. Adela Hernandez was born Jose Agustin Hernandez 48 years ago and has lived as a lady ever since she was a little girl. Adela served 2 years in prison in the 1980s for "dangerousness" (Note: If I ever serve time in prison, I want it to be for dangerousness.), but now she's a voice of the people! In the November election, Adela was voted delegate to the municipal government of Caibarien. Adela told HuffPo that her family has disowned her for being transgendered and she's been attacked by dumb bitches in the street. Adela works as a nurse and when she's not healing the sick like a Cuban Florence Nightingale, she's keeping an eye out for crime as a member of her neighborhood watch program. Adela says that everyone in her neighborhood has embraced and accepted her and don't see her as anything but the nurse with an eyebrow situation that beats all. Being really active in her neighborhood helped Adela win the election. Even though Cuban's healthcare system covers gender reassignment surgeries, she hasn't turned her peen into a poon yet. Adela is going to scream for her community as their delegate, but she says she's also going to be a voice for gay rights, "I represent a community but I will always keep in mind the defense of gays." Today Adela is delegate, tomorrow she'll be a member a parliament and the day after that she'll be President. Raul Castro who? Thanks to those exquisitely crafted eyebrows that look like ebony rainbows, Adela is going all the way. Well, Adela will go all the way if she burns those white CROCs in a trash can fire pit. And Adela's look is what Miley Cyrus was aiming for when she chopped off and bleached her hair. Reach for that bottle of dye, Miley, because you'll never have it like this. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Sharon Needles (31) | |
| Angus T. Jones Still Wants A Job On The Show That's The Work Of Satan | Top |
God hates Two and a Half Men, but God loves money and respecting contracts more. Angus T. Jones has let out a half-assed apology for saying in a video for his Christian church that he hates the show that makes him $8 million a season, because it's so filthy and unholy that it plays in porn theaters in Hell's ninth circle. Two and a Half Men's producers haven't said anything about Anus (typo and it stays) telling people not to watch his shit show and he hasn't been back on the set since. To make things a little less awkward at work, Angus has sort of said sorry to those who have made him a multi-millionaire. The future Kirk Cameron said this:
What Angus really means is: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away most of my good Christian soul and I'll have to give a lot of hand jobs to bananas to get pure again, but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire and how can I go against God's wishes?" I can't argue with Angus. I don't watch Two and a Half Men and now I'm really not going to watch it, because God is speaking through a child actor and telling me not to watch it. You know, I think God is also speaking to me through my TV screen, because I just looked up and watched a commercial for El Pollo Loco's new chocolate nachos. Obviously, God wants me to go to El Pollo Loco and eat those chocolate nachos, so I'm going to do that....for God. via Deadline | |
| The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen This Lady's Tits | Top |
| This clip from a local news station in Portland starring one of Oregon's crown jewels and my idol of the night will make your brain burp up a million question marks. The local news interviewed her about blown out windows, or something, and then that leads to her talking about how the vacuum cleaner man saw her tits and how she hasn't been allowed to drive for the past 3 years. So many questions! Who is that vacuum cleaner man? Is that code for something, because I didn't think vacuum cleaner men existed anymore? Does the vacuum cleaner man now have marbles in his sockets, because he was so overcome with excitement from seeing ole' girl's tits that he took a Kirby hose to his eyeballs? Why isn't she allowed to drive? Does it have anything to do with her showing the vacuum cleaner man her tits? Is her sweater made of Fraggle pubes? Questions: a lot of them! But I don't need the answer to any of those questions. It doesn't matter. I still love her no matter what. I just want to move to Portland and drive her around so she can show me all the people she's flashed her tits at. via Mashable | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Does Tootsie know that Kate Middleton stole one of her dresses? - Just Jared Justin Bieber is a junior douche, but I can't with any girl who willingly sits on his saggy diaper leggings - Lainey Gossip I'm still waiting for McKayla Maroney to lose her mind and go on a killing spree after the ten billionth person asks her to do the Not Impressed face - Hollywood Tuna What the Batman balloon sees when he tops the Spider-Man balloon - The Berry Jessica Chastain needs to educate herself on a little known British ginger called Prince Hot Ginge - Celebitchy Mia Goth doesn't have eyebrows, because they quit her face as soon as Shia LaDouche got on top of her - The Superficial Dolly Parton will always love peen - Towleroad Hayden Panatroll and her piece are into some messed up, role-playing kink - Drunken Stepfather Kristen Johnston, John Lithgow and French Stewart would make a better Batman than Joseph Gordon-Levitt - IDLYITW Emily Blunt went blond - Popoholic Glamberace's new tattoo looks like it belongs on the cover of Michael Jackson's Dangerous album - ICYDK But what does Kathie Lee Gifford have to say about this?! - Queerty Thor. A Baby. A Peacoat. - Popsugar Breaking: Frank Ocean got a boner - OMG Blog Scenes from the new Hunger Games or scenes from American Gladiators circa 1988? - Cityrag Lara Stone's got pregnant face - Hollywood Rag Demi Moore needs to be treated for her addiction to douche - I'm Not Obsessed Lenny Kravitz looks like he just crawled down the beanstalk after stealing the Giant's scarf - The Frisky Presenting the head chef at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar - Videogum | |
| The Look: Spaz de la Huerta As An Elegant Christmas Elf | Top |
I see you in the background, throwing ice cold looks of potent jealousy, Sarah Palin! Fresh off from giving the performance of her life in the middle of a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL, Paz de la Huerta, the goddess that is more pure than an angel's asshole, sashayed through LAX yesterday while wearing a regular ole' traveling ensemble. I know that when you travel, you too dress like a magician's assistant in a Christmas-themed magic show who had to grab her leather jacket in the dressing room and go on the run after she spotted mobsters she stole money from in the audience. You should always look like you're on the run from mobsters. I'm thankful that Spaz keeps sharing her glamour with the public as much as possible, because everyone should know that all you need to look like a modern-day Aphrodite is a giant, greasy tub of Don't Give A Fuck. Spanx are out, bloat is in! Bronzer is out, lube face is in! | |
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