Friday, November 2, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

John Travolta Is The Love Of Kirstie Alley's Life Top

Who knew that all this time Kristie "Third Wheel" Alley has been waiting in the wings, wishing for the day when John Travolta would finally shave Kelly Preston off of his face and pick her as his new beard. On tonight's 20/20 (via Radar), Kirstie tells Barbara Walters that contrary to popular belief, Krispy Kreme isn't the true love of her life, John Travolta is.

Kirstie says that she fell seriously in love with John while shooting the first Look Who's Talking movie and she never tried to beard him, because she was married at the time to Parker Stevenson. Kirstie says that she wanted to leave Parker and run away with John, but she resisted the urge. In between shooting the second Look Who's Talking movie and the third one, John married his lifelong beard Kelly Preston. Kirstie still considers John the love of her life, but she's happy to be his main fruit fly and cherishes all the time they spend together (aka having a kiki in the Scientology bath house.)

Poor Kirstie. Why isn't Kirstie the one on People Magazine talking about her "miracle baby"? Why isn't Kirstie the one giving John choreographed kisses on the red carpet? Why isn't Kirstie the one holding hands with John in staged photo-ops? Why is it that bitch Kelly Preston? Why didn't John choose her? Oh, Kirstie, always the fag hag, never the beard.

I don't mean to disrespect Kelly Preston's bearding skills, because she is a world-class beard, but Kirstie Alley would've been better. Kirstie would've gladly and loudly lied to everyone about how she gets it on with John all the time and he really knows how to work that dick on her cooch like a real heterosexual. Kirstie would've laid it on extra thick during staged public displays of affection on the red carpet. And every time John came home crying because another massage therapist ran away from his hungry, hungry b-hole, Kirstie would've made him feel better by making him a big pot of cake batter soup with cookie dough bits in it. Then Kirstie would've put on Auntie Mame and let John recite all of Rosalind Russell's lines. She'd gladly take Vera's lines. That's a beard to the end right there. Oh well, it's John Travolta's loss!

 
Night Crumbs Top

"Hand me that Victoria's Secret catalog, I need to order a new angel" said Leonardo DiCatchAHo to his butler after breaking up with Erin Heatheron - Just Jared

Faith Hill must've had the rubber bands on her braces changed that day, because I'd be really disappointed with her if she didn't have black and orange ones for Halloween - Lainey Gossip

Disappointment is mistaking Kellie Pickler for Susan Powter - Hollywood Tuna 

The NYC Marathon is canceled. But the Eat BBQ Chicharones On My Couch All Weekend Marathon  is still on! - Towleroad

You know the 1990s fashion comeback is not a good thing when Emma Roberts is wearing a bodysuit with a snap crotch - Drunken Stepfather

RiRi, you nasty skank, take that finger out of your mouth! You know where it's been. (It's been in Chris Brown's butt. It's been in Chris Brown's butt.) - The Superficial 

The judge threw out Sam Lutfi's case against The Spears Family, which means Bit Bit won't have to take the stand. Boo. - Celebitchy

So many incest jokes fill my head when looking at that picture of Miley Cyrus tongue kissing a horse head - Popoholic

So that's why when I go to the store to buy lifting weights (no, I don't), they're all out of stock. These panty creamers bought them all - The Berry  

This makes sense, because didn't Abraham Lincoln bone every cocktail waitress in Las Vegas before settling down? - IDLYITW

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are still as awkward as ever - ICYDK

Pippa Middleton's new dude is serving up some pursed Joey Lawrence realness - Popsugar

Someone has a standing weekly appointment with the butt waxers - (NSFWish) OMG Blog 

Granddaddy GOOP is my hero - Hollywood Rag 

The best of Tard! - Cityrag

....as genteel and pristine as ever - I'm Not Obsessed

Steven Tyler is just too damn old (and fried in the brains) to give a fuck - SOW

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 2nd! Top

via Evil Milk

 
And Here's Another Ginger Gift.... Top

No, this isn't a newly found still from Julia Roberts' screen test for Splash. This is Shaun White dressed in drag as The Little Mermaid.  The only thing that can top Carrot Bottom is anything that's 7 inches or more is The Flying Tomato dressed up as Ariel for Halloqueen. You can tell Shauna White is all about this and I'm sure his back door ginger star fish is tingling something extra. You all should take the rest of the day off so you can go home and be left alone with your emotions.

via Buzzfeed

 
Open Post: Hosted By Carrot Top's Tongue Top

Because there's so much ugliness on Dlisted today, here's a ginger gift for your eyes. Carrot Top, the torch that keeps thousands of crotches and Las Vegas glowing, is doing his part to find the cure for breast cancer by humping a sign, tongue banging the air and blowing pink pins at a Pinktober event in Vegas the other day.

You can't tell from this picture, but Carrot Top's team of security guards had to hold back dozens of men and women who kept trying to back up onto that tongue. Don't give me that "Unless, they're 8 feet tall, how can they back up onto that tongue?" shit. Because what do you think rolling ladders are for? Duh.

 
Fist Brown Is Really Trying To Be A Better Person Top

Chris Brown tells MTV's This Is How I Made It (via UsWeekly) that a lot of people see him as the throbbing asshole boil that he truly is and he knows they might always think that, but he doesn't care, because he knows deep within the mound of Lucifer shit in his chest that he's doing what he can to be a better person.

"Having to get personal opinion back and having to gain personal success back. . . it's not all the way back, you know? But it's one of my most humbling experiences. I can't hate people for making judgment on me or making a decision of liking me or not liking me. All I can do is try to be better as a person, and I'm good with knowing everything isn't always going to be perfect."

No, Chris won't hate you if you think he's trash. He'll just break a bottle over your head, punch you in the face and call you a faggot. That's all. Let's see, Chris has thrown a chair through a window at Good Morning America, got into a fight with Wheelchair Jimmy, stole a girl's iPhone, dressed up like a terrorist for Halloween and rage whined on Twitter about everything. Yup, he's definitely showing us that he's a better person and he's not a rage-filled monster who needs to have a seat on Oprah's favorite frozen dildo. Keep up the good work, Fist!

 
Why Isn't Everyone Talking About How Fat Adele Is, So Asks Lady GaGa Top

Lady GaGa, seen here on Halloween putting the skunk in skunk weed, wants to know why the media poked at her when she gained a few pounds, but they never make fun of Adele's body situation. While talking to Stylist (via ONTD) about her new fragrance, the conversation switched from make-up to Adele. CaCa started out by saying that women need to stop being cold bitches to each other:

I think women are just, for no reason, wretched to each other all the time, and I don't think they use clothes or men or perfume or make-up or anything more than they use anything else. We should all make an effort to be nice to one another all the time.

And then CaCa really demonstrated the kind Girl Power she subscribes to when she gave Adele a backhanded compliment while talking about that sBody Revolution shit.

I've realised I don't have to do very much anymore but make music, because my fans do it all for me. They carry the message so far. Ever since they saw how much Born This Way could affect people, they wanted to do more and have that sort of space of kindness and compassion. I was acutely aware of some photos on the internet – my mum called me and was like, "Did you gain weight?" – everybody was telling me about it, and I didn't really care. But when I heard it was on the news, where they talk about wars, the economy crashing and the election – I just thought, 'This is f*cking ridiculous.' I mean, what kind of example is that to a young girl sitting at home? I thought, well I don't really care if they think I'm fat, because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me, how come nobody says anything about it? She's so wonderful and I think her confidence is something I have to match. She has set the bar very high for a lot of woman. I need to be a confident woman and just say politically active things when I can that are helpful to young people.

If CaCa was trying to say that Adele's career is bigger than hers, then she was speaking the truth.

CaCa must've forgotten about all those times people talked about Adele's weight. She must've forgotten about the time some of her Little Monsters sat in the mental hospital computer lab and let out fat joke after fat joke about Adele. And CaCa definitely forgot about how Kunty Karl said Adele should lose a few and how there's been article after article about Adele's weight. It slipped CaCa's mind. But in CaCa's defense, her head is always stuck up her own ass and that does cause memory loss.

(Pic via CaCa's Facebook)

 
The Time Chad Kroeger Paid A Roadie To Stick His Dick In A Fan (Not That Kind Of Fan) Top

To further prove that he's Canada's biggest asshole, the future Mr. Avril Lavigne told Men's Health (via Starpulse) about the time before a Nickelback show in Germany when he and his bandmates were so bored that they paid their drum technician to fuck a fan. Since there wasn't one Nickelback fan around who'd let anybody associated with Nickelback stick a dick in them (Note: Nickelback fans are crazy, but they're not that crazy), Chad told the drum technician to stick it in a moving metal fan (like this one). Listening to Nickelback songs every night ruined the part of the drum technician's brain that operated his sense of reason, so he did it.

CK: We've always been very close to our crew, so we've had a lot of fun getting them to do silly, stupid things that could possibly cause them to hurt or injure themselves in some way. We were in Germany years ago—this was one of my favorite stories—and we were just bored. There was a heat wave going on in Germany. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade. I don't remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade. And we paid the drum tech.... Oh god, I forget the exact amount. I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn't converted to the Euro yet.

MH: 600 deutschmarks to do what?

CK: Stick his johnson in the fan.

MH: Please tell me he said no.

CK: He took the money.

MH: Oh sweet Moses.

CK: I can still hear the "bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh" of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic. Somebody has video footage of this somewhere that needs to be resurrected and shown at the guy's next birthday party.

The sound of a dude screaming out blood while making violent love to a metal fan is probably still sweeter to the ears than the sound of a Nickelback song. I'm sure Chad would've stuck his dick in the fan too, but the tip of it would've never touched the blade, so it would've been anti-climactic for everyone.

 
Cee Lo Green Might've Drugged And Raped A Woman Top

A few months ago, a woman filed a police report against Cee Lo Green claiming that he spiked her drink with MDMA and then did sex with her while she was passed out. The woman told police that she went out on a date with Cee Lo last July and he took her to a restaurant in Downtown L.A. where he bought he a drink. The woman drank the cocktail, blacked out and then woke up the next day in a strange room with no clothes on her body and Cee Lo looking at her.

TMZ says that the victim doesn't live in California, so as soon as she got home, she filed a sexual battery report with her local police department and they passed it off to the LAPD. The LAPD got the woman to "bait call" Cee Lo's ass. They hit the recording button and had her call Cee Lo. During the call, Cee Lo never said that he snuck the MDMA into the lady's drink, but he did admit giving it to her so it would make their sex times together more exciting (cut to me dry heaving on the carpet like a cat yacking up a hair ball of grossness). The LAPD didn't arrest Cee Lo right away, because he didn't say anything about having sex with her while she was passed out. The LAPD will pass the case off to the District Attorney's office as soon as they finish investigating.

Cee Lo's team is trying to spin this and make the woman look like a money-hungry liar. A source close to Cee Lo tells TMZ that before the woman went to police, she hired a civil lawyer and tried to get him to give her a little hush money from the thick roll of bills he keeps between his greasy sourdough tits. The woman went to the cops after Cee Lo refused to give her some cash.

I've never heard of people blacking out from taking MDMA and I've known some junkie ass ravers, but that shit could've been something else or he could've laced it. I mean, Cee Lo always looks like he's up to no good and you should never trust the hate child of a penguin and an Oompa Loompa who ate all of Willy Wonka's full meal chewing gum.

 
Taylor Swift's Surprise Face Got The Night Off Top

Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton's disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor's facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to "OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING" face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she'll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won't win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.

Taylor should've known that shit wasn't going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):

Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor's dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped 'em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it's her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.

And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn't a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude's a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!

 

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