Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Yahoo! Alerts
My Alerts

The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Night Crumbs Top

We get it, Jared Leto, we get it. You shaved off your brows and lost some weight for that movie. You can stop sucking in your stomach so hard that you look like an actual bookworm. Dude looks like he should be slithering out of an apple  - ICYDK

Brad Pitt is talking to People Magazine now - Lainey Gossip

If Bobbi Kristina Brown and her adopted brother can't make it work, none of us can - The Superficial 

And Bobbi Kristina Brown just drove her car off an embankment - TMZ

Mitt Romney joins Amanda Bynes, Michelle Obama and Hulk Hogan as some of the most least influential people of the year - Towleroad

Didn't Faye Dunaway wear this in Supergirl? - Hollywood Tuna 

In other words, TMZ is Team Halle Berry and Radar is Team Gabriel Aubry - Celebitchy

Adriana Lima is pregnant and clothed in the 2013 Pirelli calendar - Drunken Stepfather

The newest set of pictures in the never-ending "Hilary Duff Walks To Her Car" series - Popoholic

If you scroll down to the third picture, you'll see that Cosmo used the "strung out junkie" Photoshop tool on Carly Rae Jepsen - The Berry 

Shia LaDouche in la jorts - Popsugar

Entertainment Weekly does Mama June wrong by giving Ben Affleck her title - Just Jared

The city of Dallas should pay tribute to Larry Hagman by wrapping that green building in giant hairy eyebrows - SOW

Adam Levine is a diva - IDLYITW

The Facebook Profile Picture Prankster has a lot of time (wigs, spare butts and props) on his hands and we should be grateful for that - Crunk + Disorderly

Lisa Robin Kelly is still a messy, messy mess - Hollywood Rag 

Pussy and lamb love (not a Mimi porn post) - Cityrag

A.J. McLean is a dad again - I'm Not Obsessed

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 28th! Top

via Neatorama

 
From The Department Of Why: Butt Implants Gone Wrong Top

Some days I really regret going onto the wonderland of beautiful foolery known as The Daily Mail and today is one of those days. Today they have a video from World Star Hip Hop of a woman playing with the Simon game in her ass. Did we not learn anything from The Floppy Ass of '07 or the Fix-A-Flat Ass of '11? No, a butt bag full of silicone isn't supposed to do that.

As much as this terrifies me, I'm going to try to look at the positive. If the "butt cheeks permanently pressed up against a glass window" look every becomes a thing, homegirl can say that she started it. And if you're ever lying next to her at the beach, you can flip her ass implant around and use her butt as a table for your beer. Yes, her nalgas look like a pig snout, but sometimes having an end table ass is a good thing.

And her ass still looks better than Kim Katrashian's ass.

 
Open Post: Hosted By Mimi's Christmas Chichis Top

I never know when it's okay to start rolling out super annoying Christmas shit. Stores start playing ear-torturing Christmas song in October and that's not right. Your neighbor probably threw Christmas lights on their house three weeks ago (or if you're related to me, you keep your Christmas lights up all year) and that's not right either. Some say that it's okay to start farting out the holiday spirit the day after Thanksgiving. But I say that's it not Christmas times until Mariah Carey has shoved her yule tide titty balls into a holiday dress that's four sizes too small. Mimi does that every year and she did it last night before her performance at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony in NYC.

Mimi's chest looks like a reindeer butt and that's mean it's officially the start of the holiday season! Tits beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

 
Demi Moore's Got A New 20-Something Piece Top

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher still haven't filed for divorce from each other and a couple of tabloids say that she wants him back, and sometimes cuddles with a bottle of douche to remember what it's like to spoon with him. But Page Six says that if Demi is crying out tears for Ashton, then she's using those tears to lube herself up for fuck times with her new dude Vito Schnabel. Demi is 50 (cut to Demi kicking, stretching and kicking) and Vito Schnabel is 26 (in Lohan years, obviously).

Vito is the art dealer son of painter and filmmaker Julian Schnabel, so he's around famous types a lot. Vito is also used to being the cub, because he dated Elle Macpherson when he was 21 and she was 44. A source says that Vito and Demi have been hanging out for a few weeks. Earlier this month, guests at a birthday party in India for Naomi Campbell's hot billionaire boyfriend all watched as Demi and Vito got down on the dance floor. The source said that as Diana Ross performed, Demi and Vito "were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of other guests."

If you need a visual of Demi and Vito throwing down some sweet, sexy moves on the dance floor, then press play on a classic (you knew this was coming). Demi will play the part of Demi and Ashton will play the part of Vito. (If for some reason, you need a visual of a zombie having a seizure while red ants attack its armpits and b-hole, this video will give you that visual too.)

I can't fully hate on this. Demi and Vito look good together, and that's mostly because they both look like root vegetables molded out of clay. They're also a good pair, because Demi can use her razor sharp cheeks to cut away any rogue hairs from Vito's perfectly pruned brows.

 
Justin Bieber Will Take One In Every Color Top

When designing her men's fashion line for Opening Ceremony, Yoko Ono obviously found inspiration from style icons Regina George, Michael Lohan and Bruno. If you've got a couple thousand dollars available on your credit card and really want to look like a mental patient in The Fifth Element world (or like a visual representation of Tilda Swinton's thought process), jump over to Opening Ceremony and go crazy.

Yoko Onoshedidnt (I hate myself for typing that) tells Opening Ceremony that in 1969, she sketched a men's fashion line for John Lennon. Yoko wanted to "celebrate John's hot bod" and gave him the sketches as a wedding present. I bet John flipped through all those sketches and secretly wished that he would come across a sketch of a gift receipt so he could return all that shit. 43 years after Yoko gave John the worst wedding gift ever, Opening Ceremony has helped her to bring those sketches to life.

For just $250, you can get a bandeau tube top with light bulbs nipples. I know that top is TOO masculine for some of you ladies, but if you're currently breastfeeding and want to confuse (or shock) the shit out of your baby, wear this. For just $75, you can get a hoodie that Yoko Ono calls the "butt hoodie," but to me it looks more like something that would flop on your forehead during teabag night at the Lemon Party Strip Club. For just $400, you can get a "Ring For Your Mommy" bell board. All of these clothes make me want to ring for my mommy, so that's the one thing I'd buy. There's also a jock strap with LED lights on the peen part and pants that look like they're giving you a prostate exam and a nutsack cancer check.

Yoko Ono is a new kind of crazy, but we already knew that. And the Church of Scientology just found their new staff uniforms.

 
I Don't Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He's Got A Five Incher Top

If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I'd guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don't like to talk about it.) But I would've been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he's known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love.

Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That's not an overfull diaper in Olly's skinny pants. That's his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World (via ONTD) asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:

"Maybe 13 [cm]? That's what I'd go with - it's definitely not 20cm. It would be quite big. I think 13cm.

It [his bulge] doesn't bother me. I have never, honest to God, tried to emphasise it. It has always been other people. I have never thought of myself as someone who has a big bulge. But this is probably the first time I will be arrogant by saying I have never had a complaint...it's not about the size; it's what you can do with it that counts. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. And I am all about quality."

I love how Olly says "I think." Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta's measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. "I grew 0.00003 centimeters!" is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly's peen have screamed out recently.

And I bet that when you put all of Olly's 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name "Olly Murs." That's a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you're about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he's only got 5 inches.

 
This Is Somebody's Mother Top


In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid).

In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole:

- "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again."

- "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl."

- "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it."

That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong.

In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol.

via Too Fab 

 
Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone! Top

The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract.

Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control.

So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos.

This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe)

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th! Top

Dr. Blossom's sons enjoy their first milk break at the Crossroads School. - upstatestruggler

Runners-up:

Arizona Mexicans demonstrated Governor Brewer's whitewashing technique. - frenchflies

The Oscar the Grouch sex tape further ruins childhoods everywhere. - CashewTime

"Got self-respect? No!" say the The Nelson Twins, reduced to doing milk industry ads. - BernardProfitendieu

via The Sun (Yes, this week's CT theme is leche, obviously)

 

CREATE MORE ALERTS:

Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted

Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope

Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more

News - Only the news you want, delivered!

Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more

Weather - Get today's weather conditions




You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)