The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen This Lady's Tits
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 27th!
- The Look: Spaz de la Huerta As An Elegant Christmas Elf
- Open Post: Hosted By Jared Leto's No Brows
- Someone Might've Taken The Name Of LeAnn Rimes' Future Baby
- But What Does The "LD" Stand For?
- A Third Accuser Is Coming For Elmo
- Brad Pitt Talks Gay Marriage (Again) And Weed (Again)
- NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!
| The Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen This Lady's Tits | Top |
| This clip from a local news station in Portland starring one of Oregon's crown jewels and my idol of the night will make your brain burp up a million question marks. The local news interviewed her about blown out windows, or something, and then that leads to her talking about how the vacuum cleaner man saw her tits and how she hasn't been allowed to drive for the past 3 years. So many questions! Who is that vacuum cleaner man? Is that code for something, because I didn't think vacuum cleaner men existed anymore? Does the vacuum cleaner man now have marbles in his sockets, because he was so overcome with excitement from seeing ole' girl's tits that he took a Kirby hose to his eyeballs? Why isn't she allowed to drive? Does it have anything to do with her showing the vacuum cleaner man her tits? Is her sweater made of Fraggle pubes? Questions: a lot of them! But I don't need the answer to any of those questions. It doesn't matter. I still love her no matter what. I just want to move to Portland and drive her around so she can show me all the people she's flashed her tits at. via Mashable | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Does Tootsie know that Kate Middleton stole one of her dresses? - Just Jared Justin Bieber is a junior douche, but I can't with any girl who willingly sits on his saggy diaper leggings - Lainey Gossip I'm still waiting for McKayla Maroney to lose her mind and go on a killing spree after the ten billionth person asks her to do the Not Impressed face - Hollywood Tuna What the Batman balloon sees when he tops the Spider-Man balloon - The Berry Jessica Chastain needs to educate herself on a little known British ginger called Prince Hot Ginge - Celebitchy Mia Goth doesn't have eyebrows, because they quit her face as soon as Shia LaDouche got on top of her - The Superficial Dolly Parton will always love peen - Towleroad Hayden Panatroll and her piece are into some messed up, role-playing kink - Drunken Stepfather Kristen Johnston, John Lithgow and French Stewart would make a better Batman than Joseph Gordon-Levitt - IDLYITW Emily Blunt went blond - Popoholic Glamberace's new tattoo looks like it belongs on the cover of Michael Jackson's Dangerous album - ICYDK But what does Kathie Lee Gifford have to say about this?! - Queerty Thor. A Baby. A Peacoat. - Popsugar Breaking: Frank Ocean got a boner - OMG Blog Scenes from the new Hunger Games or scenes from American Gladiators circa 1988? - Cityrag Lara Stone's got pregnant face - Hollywood Rag Demi Moore needs to be treated for her addiction to douche - I'm Not Obsessed Lenny Kravitz looks like he just crawled down the beanstalk after stealing the Giant's scarf - The Frisky Presenting the head chef at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar - Videogum | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 27th! | Top |
via The Sun (Yes, this week's CT theme is leche, obviously) | |
| The Look: Spaz de la Huerta As An Elegant Christmas Elf | Top |
I see you in the background, throwing ice cold looks of potent jealousy, Sarah Palin! Fresh off from giving the performance of her life in the middle of a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL, Paz de la Huerta, the goddess that is more pure than an angel's asshole, sashayed through LAX yesterday while wearing a regular ole' traveling ensemble. I know that when you travel, you too dress like a magician's assistant in a Christmas-themed magic show who had to grab her leather jacket in the dressing room and go on the run after she spotted mobsters she stole money from in the audience. You should always look like you're on the run from mobsters. I'm thankful that Spaz keeps sharing her glamour with the public as much as possible, because everyone should know that all you need to look like a modern-day Aphrodite is a giant, greasy tub of Don't Give A Fuck. Spanx are out, bloat is in! Bronzer is out, lube face is in! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Jared Leto's No Brows | Top |
What in the Alien Nation Vampire Hell is the meaning of this?! I get that Jared Leto lost a bunch of weight and waxed away his hairy eye valances to play a drag queen in The Dallas Buyers Club, but somebody give a bitch a Sharpie. Give a bitch a 4-pack of Sharpies, because Jared Leto is going to need a few of 'em. Everybody at the 22nd Annual Gotham Independent Awards in NYC last night simultaneously said, "Where are your brows, tho?", when Jared sashayed in with zero brows and orange crap smeared all over his mouth area. Dude looks like he just ate Snookie out. I feel like Jared just keeps fighting the hot hard and keeps daring all of us to say, "Nope, wouldn't hit it." But I'm not going to say it this time, because I'd still hit it. I'd even suck off one of those pointy elbows over his eyes. | |
| Someone Might've Taken The Name Of LeAnn Rimes' Future Baby | Top |
This could be fake, or it could be viral marketing for fuckery, or it could be made of one hundred percent truthiness since there's not a law requiring hos to have working brain cells in order to procreate. Gizmodo, Mashable and @AwkwardMsgs all posted a Facebook status from a couple who named their newborn baby girl Hashtag Jameson. HASHTAG JAMESON. We've officially lost our right to name children. Just give all future babies serial numbers from now on, because this child abuse must be put to an end. If you're thinking this mess can't be real and nobody with a heart would ever hate a newborn that much, let me remind your ass that a dude in Egypt named his kid Facebook. The laws of real-life foolery know no bounds. But for real, the stoner and drunk in me (which is pretty much all of me) actually likes that disaster of a name. They can call her Hash for short. And when she writes her name the way it's supposed to be written, it looks like she's promoting whiskey. #Jameson! | |
| But What Does The "LD" Stand For? | Top |
It's the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris' stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that's why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper's old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won't judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott's peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy's whores is a sin! Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it's natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner's face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that's why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he's fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does "LD" stand for? Here's some of my guesses: - Lord Douchebag And on and on and on... I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head. | |
| A Third Accuser Is Coming For Elmo | Top |
Elmo will have to start turning tricks on Sesame Street's ho stroll to pay his legal bills, because he's got another lawsuit to deal with. When it rains gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape, it pours gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape. I guess. The NYDN says that a now 29-year-old unnamed dude who's going by the name John Doe has a filed lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court this morning against the new Michael Jackson, Elmo. John Doe's lawyer John Herman said that just like Cecil Singleton, his client met Kevin Clash on a gay phone chat line in 2000 when he was 16. They talked for a couple of days before Kevin Clash invited John Doe over to his apartment to get it on. Kevin apparently told John Doe he was 30, but John Doe figured out there were way more than 30 rings around Kevin's trunk when they met in person. They continued to bump bare nipples for a few years and John Doe realized who Kevin Clash was in 2003 when he saw "Elmo dolls, an Emmy award and photographs of Elmo with movie stars" in his apartment. John Doe started writing a book about doing illegal sex with Elmo in 2009 and his lawyer will present some of the pages to the media in a press conference today. Oh, and John Doe's lawyer is the same dude who is representing Cecil Singleton. Of course, TMZ got a hold of the lawsuit and in the documents, John Doe says that Kevin Clash used booze to get into his chonies. Kevin boozed John Doe up and kept him that way. Kevin and John Doe didn't do butt sex until John Doe was 18. But when John Doe was 16, they got into some oral sex stuff and Kevin did "digital penetration of John's anus." Yes, I had to look up "digital penetration." I kept picturing Elmo sticking a robot dildo in a dude's no-no and I don't like that picture. "Digital" is just a fancy way of saying "fingers." So yeah, Elmo finger fucked John Doe and John Doe has been butt burping up red fur ever since. And if Kevin Clash's dumb ass wins both of the lawsuits against him, I really hope Big Bird releases a white dove outside of the courthouse. | |
| Brad Pitt Talks Gay Marriage (Again) And Weed (Again) | Top |
Brad Pitt is promoting his new movie Killing Them Softly (Side note: I think I just read your mind and I think you just wished Killing Them Softly was a Fugees biopic. I do too.) and that means it's about that time for every damn reporter to ask him about weed and marrying St. Angie Jo. In every reporter's defense, it's kind of hard to NOT ask Brad Pitt about the good shit when he's sitting there looking like he just peeled himself off of a pleather couch after being knocked out in a marijuana-induced Funyuns coma for 20 hours. Dude looks like he has just enough energy to hold and operate a BIC lighter while taking a bong hit. You don't know how many times I wished that I had BIC lighters for fingers. People says that at last night's NYC premiere of Killing Them Softly, one reporter asked Brad if he's going to become Angie Jo's third husband anytime soon and he said this:
Um, bitch, that good feeling you've got is called "You HIGH!" That good feeling was a Taco Bell-produced fart bubble slowly slipping out of his ass. But you know, the "good feeling" you get about getting married soon probably feels a lot like the "good feeling" you get when a fart bubble is about to fall out of your ass to join the air. And Brad really did say, "The time is nigh." Now we know that both Bill & Ted were based on Brad Pitt. MTV News (via Towleroad) asked Brad about gay marriage and legalizing the good shit and he said that he doesn't understand why the two are always linked in the media (???):
And now we know that Brad Pitt is all for me marrying Anderson Cooper in every state while wearing a smokable tuxedo made of legal weed buds. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, again, reporters should finally ask him if he knows how Benicio Del Toro and Jeff Bridges feel about him looking like their broken condom love child. | |
| NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE! | Top |
Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez both have restraining orders against Gabriel Aubry, and yesterday he got his own restraining order against the French boxer who whooped the hot right out of his face. Gabriel gave these pictures of his post-Thanksgiving beat down face to the court and I'll never understand why the authorities didn't immediately run out and arrest Olivier for crimes against beauty. Gabriel looks like James Cromwell did experiments on him in the American Horror Story lab. Gabriel's got the crazy running through each and every one of his veins, but he went from looking like a thing of natural beauty to looking like Chloe Sevigny's AHS character with a beard on. TMZ says that Olivier told the police on Thanksgiving morning that Gabriel came at him, but Gabriel says it was the other way around. In his declaration to the courts, Gabriel says that on the night before Thanksgiving, they were all at Nahla's school to see her play and Olivier came up to him and whispered in his ear in French, "I wish I could beat the shit out of you right now. You're lucky we're in a school right now. We're going to take Nahla right now and you're not going to follow us." Then Olivier ate 5 dozen eggs, bench pressed 3 blondes and won a spitting match. Bitch thinks he's Gaston or some shit. Gabriel says that the next day, he took Nahla to Halle's house and usually the nanny greets them at the door, but this time it was Olivier. Olivier told Gabriel they needed to talk, but he wasn't having it so he turned around to walk back to his car. Gabriel says that's when Olivier jumped off the stairs, knocked him to the ground and started slamming his head into the concrete. Olivier kept screaming about how Gabriel cost him $3 million. I guess $3 million is what Olivier paid the lawyers to try to get Nahla to France. When Olivier finished beating the French and the Canadian out of Gabriel, he told Gabriel to move to France or he'd kill him. Olivier also told Gabriel that the police were coming and he better tell them he started the fight or else. The "else" is code for "You be dead." Gabriel never told the police about the threats and Halle's "sources" still say he's the one who started the brawl. Gabriel will also go to court today to try to get the judge to lift the restraining order that's keeping him from going anywhere near his daughter. The moral of this story is: If you find yourself falling in love with Halle Berry and she's falling in love with your ass, save yourself the drama, visits to family court and punches to the face by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital. Because if you want to be with Halle Berry, then you are beyond insane. This is what happens to your face on Halle Berry! | |
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