The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 28th!
- From The Department Of Why: Butt Implants Gone Wrong
- Open Post: Hosted By Mimi's Christmas Chichis
- Demi Moore's Got A New 20-Something Piece
- Justin Bieber Will Take One In Every Color
- I Don't Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He's Got A Five Incher
- This Is Somebody's Mother
- Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 28th! | Top |
via Neatorama | |
| From The Department Of Why: Butt Implants Gone Wrong | Top |
| Some days I really regret going onto the wonderland of beautiful foolery known as The Daily Mail and today is one of those days. Today they have a video from World Star Hip Hop of a woman playing with the Simon game in her ass. Did we not learn anything from The Floppy Ass of '07 or the Fix-A-Flat Ass of '11? No, a butt bag full of silicone isn't supposed to do that. As much as this terrifies me, I'm going to try to look at the positive. If the "butt cheeks permanently pressed up against a glass window" look every becomes a thing, homegirl can say that she started it. And if you're ever lying next to her at the beach, you can flip her ass implant around and use her butt as a table for your beer. Yes, her nalgas look like a pig snout, but sometimes having an end table ass is a good thing. And her ass still looks better than Kim Katrashian's ass. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Mimi's Christmas Chichis | Top |
I never know when it's okay to start rolling out super annoying Christmas shit. Stores start playing ear-torturing Christmas song in October and that's not right. Your neighbor probably threw Christmas lights on their house three weeks ago (or if you're related to me, you keep your Christmas lights up all year) and that's not right either. Some say that it's okay to start farting out the holiday spirit the day after Thanksgiving. But I say that's it not Christmas times until Mariah Carey has shoved her yule tide titty balls into a holiday dress that's four sizes too small. Mimi does that every year and she did it last night before her performance at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony in NYC. Mimi's chest looks like a reindeer butt and that's mean it's officially the start of the holiday season! Tits beginning to look a lot like Christmas. | |
| Demi Moore's Got A New 20-Something Piece | Top |
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher still haven't filed for divorce from each other and a couple of tabloids say that she wants him back, and sometimes cuddles with a bottle of douche to remember what it's like to spoon with him. But Page Six says that if Demi is crying out tears for Ashton, then she's using those tears to lube herself up for fuck times with her new dude Vito Schnabel. Demi is 50 (cut to Demi kicking, stretching and kicking) and Vito Schnabel is 26 (in Lohan years, obviously). Vito is the art dealer son of painter and filmmaker Julian Schnabel, so he's around famous types a lot. Vito is also used to being the cub, because he dated Elle Macpherson when he was 21 and she was 44. A source says that Vito and Demi have been hanging out for a few weeks. Earlier this month, guests at a birthday party in India for Naomi Campbell's hot billionaire boyfriend all watched as Demi and Vito got down on the dance floor. The source said that as Diana Ross performed, Demi and Vito "were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of other guests." If you need a visual of Demi and Vito throwing down some sweet, sexy moves on the dance floor, then press play on a classic (you knew this was coming). Demi will play the part of Demi and Ashton will play the part of Vito. (If for some reason, you need a visual of a zombie having a seizure while red ants attack its armpits and b-hole, this video will give you that visual too.) I can't fully hate on this. Demi and Vito look good together, and that's mostly because they both look like root vegetables molded out of clay. They're also a good pair, because Demi can use her razor sharp cheeks to cut away any rogue hairs from Vito's perfectly pruned brows. | |
| Justin Bieber Will Take One In Every Color | Top |
When designing her men's fashion line for Opening Ceremony, Yoko Ono obviously found inspiration from style icons Regina George, Michael Lohan and Bruno. If you've got a couple thousand dollars available on your credit card and really want to look like a mental patient in The Fifth Element world (or like a visual representation of Tilda Swinton's thought process), jump over to Opening Ceremony and go crazy. Yoko Onoshedidnt (I hate myself for typing that) tells Opening Ceremony that in 1969, she sketched a men's fashion line for John Lennon. Yoko wanted to "celebrate John's hot bod" and gave him the sketches as a wedding present. I bet John flipped through all those sketches and secretly wished that he would come across a sketch of a gift receipt so he could return all that shit. 43 years after Yoko gave John the worst wedding gift ever, Opening Ceremony has helped her to bring those sketches to life. For just $250, you can get a bandeau tube top with light bulbs nipples. I know that top is TOO masculine for some of you ladies, but if you're currently breastfeeding and want to confuse (or shock) the shit out of your baby, wear this. For just $75, you can get a hoodie that Yoko Ono calls the "butt hoodie," but to me it looks more like something that would flop on your forehead during teabag night at the Lemon Party Strip Club. For just $400, you can get a "Ring For Your Mommy" bell board. All of these clothes make me want to ring for my mommy, so that's the one thing I'd buy. There's also a jock strap with LED lights on the peen part and pants that look like they're giving you a prostate exam and a nutsack cancer check. Yoko Ono is a new kind of crazy, but we already knew that. And the Church of Scientology just found their new staff uniforms. | |
| I Don't Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He's Got A Five Incher | Top |
If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I'd guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don't like to talk about it.) But I would've been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he's known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love. Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That's not an overfull diaper in Olly's skinny pants. That's his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World (via ONTD) asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:
I love how Olly says "I think." Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta's measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. "I grew 0.00003 centimeters!" is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly's peen have screamed out recently. And I bet that when you put all of Olly's 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name "Olly Murs." That's a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you're about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he's only got 5 inches. | |
| This Is Somebody's Mother | Top |
In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid). In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole: - "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again." - "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl." - "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it." That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong. In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol. via Too Fab | |
| Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone! | Top |
The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract. Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control. So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos. This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 27th! | Top |
Dr. Blossom's sons enjoy their first milk break at the Crossroads School. - upstatestruggler Runners-up: The Oscar the Grouch sex tape further ruins childhoods everywhere. - CashewTime "Got self-respect? No!" say the The Nelson Twins, reduced to doing milk industry ads. - BernardProfitendieu via The Sun (Yes, this week's CT theme is leche, obviously) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Adela Hernandez, Cuba's first ever transgender public official. Cuba used to send gays to the countryside to slave away in the fields, but things are changing so much for the LGBT community that the country has seen its first ever transgender member of government. Adela Hernandez was born Jose Agustin Hernandez 48 years ago and has lived as a lady ever since she was a little girl. Adela served 2 years in prison in the 1980s for "dangerousness" (Note: If I ever serve time in prison, I want it to be for dangerousness.), but now she's a voice of the people! In the November election, Adela was voted delegate to the municipal government of Caibarien. Adela told HuffPo that her family has disowned her for being transgendered and she's been attacked by dumb bitches in the street. Adela works as a nurse and when she's not healing the sick like a Cuban Florence Nightingale, she's keeping an eye out for crime as a member of her neighborhood watch program. Adela says that everyone in her neighborhood has embraced and accepted her and don't see her as anything but the nurse with an eyebrow situation that beats all. Being really active in her neighborhood helped Adela win the election. Even though Cuban's healthcare system covers gender reassignment surgeries, she hasn't turned her peen into a poon yet. Adela is going to scream for her community as their delegate, but she says she's also going to be a voice for gay rights, "I represent a community but I will always keep in mind the defense of gays." Today Adela is delegate, tomorrow she'll be a member a parliament and the day after that she'll be President. Raul Castro who? Thanks to those exquisitely crafted eyebrows that look like ebony rainbows, Adela is going all the way. Well, Adela will go all the way if she burns those white CROCs in a trash can fire pit. And Adela's look is what Miley Cyrus was aiming for when she chopped off and bleached her hair. Reach for that bottle of dye, Miley, because you'll never have it like this. | |
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